May 5, 2005

  • Roots of bitterness.


    With the upcoming Mother’s Day, devotionals are coming to me regarding being a mother. It is funny, but often I reflect on my mom and the first thing that happens is that I end up with bitterness. I thought I had forgiven completely, but obviously there are still things from my past that I am holding on, that are charged with bitterness.


    Oh how insidious is this bitterness. Reminds me of a dandelion or crabb grass, if you don’t get out the whole root it grows back. Guess there is more digging that I have to do.


    What surprises me is that this woman has been dead 16 years, and there is still bitterness. I don’t want to carry it with me the rest of my life.


    So I am asking for prayers as again I battle this root of bitterness. Perhaps with God rooting around in there, that will go.


    Well, week one of Weight Watchers, and I lost only 1.4 pounds. There are reasons for that, I was holding in water due to the particular time of the month and I weighed in several hours later than usual, so perhaps next week the scales will show that I really did stick to the program, but yesterday I went off a bit.


    I know that somehow I have to reclaim this body, but most of my life I went through it trying to put off my body by various ways, from suicide to just not caring what was done to me or by whom. To survive the past I had to pull so far back into the depths of my mind that my body was just not connected to me somehow. Now I am reclaiming it, and of course now comes depression.


    Someone said that depression is anger turned within. And I can see that. I have never liked myself (people like me, I don’t like me) and I think it stems from feeling that all that was done to me as a child was because there was some sort of flaw in me, and if my own parents couldn’t love me, then there was something unloveable.  Guess that is why I still get sort of suspicious about agape love of God.


    So many things to sort out. Now I am trying to apply what Pastor Don told me last Friday, that not all thoughts that go through my mind are really my own thoughts, and that I have to lay claim to my thoughts (which line up with the word) and banish those that are not my thoughts. So pray that this is what I can do. I have to take this to God.


    Hope you have a blessed day. You all are in my thoughts and prayers too, but it may be a bit before I get to you on Xanga, I am trying to cut out and prepare the arts and crafts for Sunday School. I have all the tissue paper flower circles cut out and the stems cut, now, I still have to glue 60 pinbacks on cardboard hearts. Never a dull moment.


    Heather

Comments (41)

  • Beth Moore was molested as a young child.She supressed it for years,and as an adult decided to face it,get counseled ,and was able to write the book,Breaking Free.She knows what its like to live with pain from childhood.Thats why I think you would be able to relate to what she writes.She is  able to live free because she has fought her battles,through the strength of the Lord.

    We demolish arguements and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God,and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ 2 Corintinas 10:5 NIV  Our thoughts need to be obediant to Christ!!

    Casting down imaginations,and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ. 2 Corinthinan 10:5 KJV

    Strongholds is anything that exalts itself in our minds,pretending to be bigger or more powerful than our God.It steals our focus,and causes us to feel overpowered,controlled,mastered. When satan wages war against us,the primary battlefield is the mind.2 Corinthians 10:5 states the goal of our warfare-to steal backk our thought lives and instead take them captive to Christ.The enemy’s chief target is the mind because the most effective way to influence behavior is to influence thinking.Our minds are the control centers of our entire beings.

    Heather,that was a few paragraphs from the study Living Free. Keep looking up!

  • I will be praying. Forgiveness is freedom!

  • You know, Heather, that REALLY is something to rejoice about. Our forgiveness of others is not a one time thing. It is like layered. As God shows us the thing we need to forgive and we really do forgive and we think now it is finished, but as we grow, God brings up another layer–seems like the same old thing to us and it seems like we haven’t forgiven, but we have. He only brings it up cause WE HAVE GROWN and are now ready for the next layer. Sometimes this goes on for quite a while, but finally, one day, we will get to that ugly root and then! it will all be gone forever!!! So rejoice, child, you ARE growing!!!

    I think that shows the love God has for us–He knows we could not handle all of it at one time, so He shows it to us little by little as He knows we are able to handle it. I used to get so down when “the thing” kept coming up again and would think oh no, here it comes again and I thought I was finished with that. I didn’t understand the PROCESS I had to go thru. It wasn’t til years later that I got the understanding of it.

    love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • 1.4 pounds is awesome.  Don’t know who told you otherwise, but slow and steady is what wins the race.  That’s the healthiest way to do it.  Congradulations.  Keep it up.

    I will be praying for you more than usual this weekend.  Mother’s Day can be quite difficult.

  • Although I have not seen the program “Breaking Free” by Beth Moore, I have heard that it was good.

    We will pray for your bitterness.  Please pray for ours.

  • OH Heather praying for you ….reminds me of my daughter and me….bitterness…anger…her depression…which I also believe is her anger turned within at me and her father……………I too had the same for so long……………………I am praying for you sweetie…………………….GOD BLESS YOU in that area..and heal you………………..BETH MOORE and STORMIE OMARTIAN both are good writers to help you through these areas……………………

    RYC: SO you seen possible something similar to my post ..no was not a publication do you maybe remember where you seen the similar post would love to read it……………….( would love to see how others think and what they say in referenece to how I am thinking …………….)

    I actually was going to post that yesterday…………but didnt ……it was somthing laid on my heart for a certain situation that happened…………

    BIG HUGS and GOD BLESS…..continued prayers for you dear…………..

  • God can give you the forgivenes and dig up that root of bitterness.  This is my prayer for you.  lala

  • beth moore’s products are the fastest selling items in our bookstore. i have never read her, but i have heard good things about her.

    bitterness. actually, i was thinking about this last nite. i think i hold alot of it. for me, i guess it’s the letting go part that i struggle with the most. just, letting it all go. sigh.

  • Bitterness is tough to let go. I struggle with it very much. And yes, it’s true that faith shows at adversity, and realizing it means you’re at least half way there! I don’t see signs of you giving up, so I know you have faith.

  • Hey Heather, thank you for thinking of me. I am trying to get adjusted to this new schedule and its got me a little off right now. Get home at 11:00 pm and sometimes I am just to tired to post. Get up at 10, and off to the gym at 11, back home and shower and off to work. I can’t seem to find the time except on my break at work. Hopefully I will get it together soon. I miss everyone. So for now i’ve been copy and pasteing my poetry except on the weekend. love you

  • I know how you feel.  But, over the course of the last few years, I found that most of the things I felt bitter about were not my mom, but instead about my own negative traits that I know came from her genes.  That’s hardly her fault, but in my teen years I was hardly rational and I directed the anger I had at her, causing a lot of uncomfort between us even now sometimes.  But, though I have forgiven her (for other things, some related) and God had forgiven me, I cannot bring myself to forgive myself for the way I had treated her in the past.  Ah, how wonderful it must be for those who don’t carry scars (if anyone at all)!  I don’t know if this is the case for you as there could be many other reasons for feeling bitterness towards someone, but I thought it would be relevant just the some.  However, remember that there is a such thing as righteous anger, but no such thing as a righteous grudge.  :) ((smile!))

  •  That is a tough chore, getting the knowledge from Head to Heart knowledge. I will be praying that our Heavenly Fathers love will allow you to release the heavy burden of bitterness you have been carrying for so many years.

     Congrats on the 1.4 weight loss. I have battled with my weight most of my adult life & thus far haven’t found the will power to follow through & deal with it yet. I admire you for taking action. snowberryoxcream is right on, slow & steady wins the race!

    Your sister in Christ <><

  • I think that you will always have a little twinge of bitterness no matter what you try to do to stop yourself. We are not perfect, only the Lord is perfect. That is why he can fully and completely forgive us. But your memory and pain will never be erased. I know it’s hard and I can’t imagine what you must have felt going through your ordeal. I wish that I could say something that would make you feel better or just erase a little bit of the pain. Just keep up your faith that the Lord will help you deal with your bitterness. I’m praying for you.

  • I liked the way ForHisGlory2 put it – layers – like an onion.  Remember that movie Shrek?    It could be more like a parfait…  K. Now I’m just getting slaphappy, I need to go to bed!  G’night!

  • I know how hard it is to forgive someone, espescially after being hurt so deep.  However, we both know it is possible.  Forgiveness is an amazing gift and blessing to oneself.  Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting.  I’ll be praying for you.  <><

  • I had bitterness for my own Mother for years, but I finally got over most of it. I think it is like weeds, you have to pull them out as they come up. Alot of things I think I have forgiven, crops up every once in awhile and I have to say again to myself and God, forgive me and my Mother. It is getting easier as time goes by. I don’t want to hold unforgiveness in for anyone. You will make it too.

  • I pray that you will begin to see yourself as God sees you!  Remember His word says that you are the head and not the tail, you are above and not beneath, you are the righteousness in Christ Jesus!  I also like what ForHisGlory2 said, I think that was the best description I’ve ever heard of it.  I will be praying for you.  By the way I found your site via alienonearth (my husband’s site).  You are an overcomer by the blood of the Lamb and the word of YOUR testimony!  Be Blessed…Jacki

  • If we use the “picture” of debt to understand forgiveness, it works this way.  Joe Schmoe does evil to me.  He then owes me restitution, recompense, justice, or whatever.  That is a legitimate (check out the O.T.) debt on Joe’s part, and a legitimate claim on Joe for me.  Forgiveness is releasing that debt.  This means that I no longer will hope/desire/expect/try to get Joe to repay.  Instead, I allow Christ to pay Joe’s debt for me.  Hunh?  We Christians are usually very open to apply the cross to our sins, but didn’t His death pay for Joe’s sins to, including the one he did to me?  Yup!!!  Forgiveness is not a “decide, do, forget” activity.  It is a process where we slowly change a habit of bitterness (mentally rehearsing Joe’s crime and its cost to me) into a habit of grace (mentally rehearsing the amazing grace of my sin AND JOE’S SIN being nailed to the cross.  I say “habit” of thought, because that’s what it is.  We need to allow God to teach us to catch ourselves being bitter, and let him teach us how to become gracious instead, each time consciously applying the amazing grace to me and to Joe.

    It takes time and concerted effort to change habits, especially ones that we’ve “practiced” for years.  Keep up the good work, girl.  Don’t get frustrated with the fact that it doesn’t change quickly.

  • Thank you so much for your comment.  I have complete faith that my friends and family will be saved, especially since so many people are praying for them!  I will pray for you, I know how hard bitterness is to overcome.  Just when you think it’s gone, something will happen and it seems to creep back.  

    I will also pray that the Lord will help you see yourself as He does; as loved and precious!

    Take care of yourself today and may God bless you completely!      

  • Thanks for checking on me! Posted today about the week. Congrats on the weight loss! Keep on keeping on!

  • God bless you Heather!!!

    Love Lisa

  • RYC, I find it confusing to read that you have few expectations for God, as I’ve read much disappointment in your blogs these many weeks.  Disappointment comes when our hopes/expectations are not delivered on.  It might be good for you to assess your disappointments in the sense of asking “what do/did I hope God would do?”  If you’re like most of us, you’ll find that you have more hopes/expectations than you think.  We treat people the same way.  When they aren’t what we want/think they should be, we get disappointed.

  • Just stopping by to let you know that I am thinking and praying for you.  Life is hard isnt it…from diets to depression to bitterness…Keep on keeping on sis and we will support each other along the way.

    PS…I LOVE those tissue paper flowers!

    ((((((((hugs)))))))

  • Though weve never met face to face, I feel as if I know you just by what youve written here and it is with that knowledge I can honestly say, I love you. Its a beautiful thing when we are finally able to really let go and let God show us love in ways we may have never known. Hang in there, we are all a work in progress.

  • Ravi Zacharias was instrumental in my intellectual upbringing as a Christian, but I’ve come to see his work as catering to the masses, it is made for a popular audience and does not address the subtler points.

    As for the moral aspect of the problem of evil that both he and Lewis brings up, I think that the non-theists can come up with an answer for that.

    I myself left the Christian Evidentialist camp long ago in favor of Presuppositionalism. While it may seem like I’m giving up the ghost as far as rigorous apologetics are concerned, but I honestly think that the past two thousand years of Christian philosophy have been aimed at the wrong target. It is not lack of evidence that is the problem, but the suppression of evidence. Zacharias mentions this in part because he does cover a good breadth of material, but I would rather forsake evidentialism in favor of this more genuine and honest approach.

  • Oh and by the way, my pastor’s name is Don as well.

  • if she’s been dead 16 years, you’ve ha dto go the journey alone. that’s tough. it’s much easier to work out all the wrinkles when the other person is still there. new things are piled on, yes, but at least it’s not a distant memory from when we have less experience to draw on.

    prayers 4 u

  • have a great weekend, and a Happy Mother’s Day!

  • Ya know, as you become wiser too, things are going to look different to you and you’ll need to figure them out again.  For some reason, that just popped into my head as I read your comment.  You’ve already dealt with so much and for that I admire you.  Keep going girl!  You’ve got God on your side!  (And of course all of us!)

  • I really do enjoy reading your posts.  They are very insightful.  Thanks for sharing…..

  • Thank you for being so faithful to comment on my site and to pray for my Mom.  I will be praying for you and the bitterness you are feeling.  I know that feeling as well and it rears its ugly head all too often.

  • Thanks for your comment…..you are so right about lacing our words with grace….God help us all!  We are far too quick to judge……

  • Its going pretty good. There are some issues, but I am believing that God will help us work them out and he make us to be what He wants us to be.I have an engagement at another church tomorrow to minister on worship, so please pray for me in that. When did you say your pastor came on TBN? I think it was through the daytime, I would love to hear him. How are you doing?

  • Ahh sorry, did not know. I thought you were asking my opinions on Ravi Zacharias and his apologetic stance.

  • Hey Heather….!! HOPE your Mothers day is GREAT!! YOU deserve it!

    God is going to do wonders in your life! HE already is………it only gets better…………….amen!

    Love to you! and your family! God Bless………..

  • I hope this bitterness leaves completely!

    Have a Blessed and Happy weekend!

    Hugs,
    Becca

  • Hope you have a Happy Mothers Day.

  • I will keep you in my prayers….  and congrats on the 1.4 lb!—that is significant because you lost inches…I remember being on weight-watchers many years ago…I should’ve stuck with it because I felt so much better when I was eating right!  Keep up the good work and don’t let satan stay behind you…he just wants to pull you down….but you have and will overcome with Jesus Christ!  Hope you have a wonderful Mother’s Day!  Love and God bless!  ~Margie~

  • HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY, MY SWEET FRIEND!!!!

    love u!!!!!!!

  • Bitterness is very hard to get rid of.  I could say something completely hypocritical like “forgive and forget” but we both know that’s much easier said than done, and that there is no point in myself (who finds that difficult) telling another person to do so.

    I hope you can eventually claim your body as yours (another difficult thing to do).  It doesn’t surprise me that you can’t seem to find that “agape” love of god.  I know Christians who struggled with the fact that god was typically seen as male, because they didn’t trust males.  It can be frustrating.

    I thank you for your comment regarding faith.  My parents (who are both missionaries) have recently taken to talking to me about my religious preferences, and I will say the same thing to you as I said to them.  I honestly cannot see myself ever going back to the Christian faith, and I don’t think I will.  However, thank you for your prayers.

  • Hello again!  Well I have heard the same thing regarding depression. I don’t know if I have ever had “clinical depression” since I think we all get down from time-to-time.  May the Lord be with you and may the truth set you free!  Incidentally, I have a copy of that Beth Moore book unopened in my house.  Perhaps the one who brought it to your attention got it from the Billy Graham organization as I had. 

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