February 14, 2005
-
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I have been hurting very badly the past few days. And I am torn about sharing how much I am hurting. For me, to write things out helps, and part of me is thinking of going to a physical journal. I have been treating this one as a personal/physical journal. And you will notice that sometimes I am more upbeat than other times. Right now I am near tears and have been for several days.
I do not seek to wallow in self-pity, or to just sit and moan, but I will write out what is hurting and why. Just because I am hurting does not mean that I am not also giving out good to others, reaching out to others, seeking God, reading His Word, studying and being a wife and mom. But I can do all that and still hurt, still wonder, still doubt.
I guess the biggest thing for me is that in the midst of this hurt instead of striking out at God, raging at God, running away from God, I am staying with God, asking the hard questions, struggling, seeking. I am also making sure I let God know what I am thankful for, making sure that I am honest with God. Oh, I could say all the right words and fool people, but I couldn’t fool God. So I choose to be honest about feelings, doubts, fears and hurts. That does not mean that I also do not worship God and believe in God for some things.
Last Tues. at Bible study a woman came up to our pastor and asked him to pray for her as she had hurt her back with a misstep on the ice. Our church is spirit-filled and there have been wonderful healings in the church and deliverance as well. Our pastor spent time praying with her and she left the church walking to the Glory of God.
He then spent time talking about healing with us. One point he made is that when you pray for someone to heal you need a point of contact. Jesus would establish points of contact in various ways depending on the situation. Some are so faith-filled that it would be like the Centurian, the faith of the person. Some He touched, or used spittal, or forgave sins, or the woman who touched the edge of his garment. Our pastor said that when you pray with someone you have to find out what they can believe for.
He gave the example of his wife, when she was a new believer and going into surgery, she could not believe for total healing, but she could believe for quick recovery and freedom from pain, so that was what he prayed for and with her. She could grasp that. Today she would have faith for total healing.
Some can believe for instantaneous healing, and you can pray that.
He said that faith develops over time and experience, and after awhile you can transfer faith from one area to another area in your life. Many people have salvation faith, but not instantaneous healing faith. Some have faith for healing of hurt limbs, but not faith for hurt minds. We have to develop that seed of faith that we are given, and stretch it, but the most effective prayer is the prayer of agreement.
Probably this teaching will be lambasted by some. B ut right now I have perservence faith, faith that I will stick with God, faith that I will keep searching and faith that one day there will be an answer. I do not yet have faith to leave all the past behind.
For those who do not know much about what I am dealing with I want to say that I am not seeking the past, but the feelings and memories are becoming linked together, and I am feeling what I never felt back then. It is incredibly painful to go through that, and yet I think that the end result will be good. As a kid to show a feeling would have literally cost me my life, and so I pushed all feelings down. I could be beaten, raped, or hurt and did not feel emotions about it at all. The emotions would have torn me apart. My pastor said that God is now allowing the feelings to come up because I am saved and in a safe place to deal with them. I cannot keep them down, and I think it would not be wise to just push them aside and say they are the past. I think if I do not deal with them, they will keep coming up and up and up.
Now the difference is that in the midst of all of this I am seeking God. Before I never gave God the time of day. During a Beth Moore Bible study, I was asked to write a letter to God about what do I want. I wrote a letter, and a while ago shared it. I have brought the letter forward now to remind myself of what I wrote, and to share it. Please know that I am trying to get through this stuff quickly, I do not plan to camp out in this valley forever, but I do feel that I have to go through it. And for the time being I will keep writing here.
Dear Jesus,
What do you want? Beth says to write you a letter detailing what I want to you. I guess the first thing I want to know is if that is the truth, that you desire to give each and everyone our wants. I could see you giving us our needs, but we as humans seem to be insatiable in our wants. Would that not spoil us as children?
I want a loving family. The teenage years are shaking that veneer of love. My two sons are like boxers in a ring, hating each other, trying to provoke the other one in anger. I am constantly trying to sort things out. Every now and then they do something foolish and I have to deal with it with my friends and acquaintances. At times it just isn’t fun to be a mother. And Jim, at times, does not take the role of responsible father, so I am always coming across as the heavy, hated by all for doing what a loving parent has to do. Just once I would like peace to reign in our house for a season. A calm between the storms. I want them to recognize that I act out of love and bend over backwards to give them the loving home I never had.
I want to know the real purpose behind the past that I had. How much did you allow and why? I really resent having so much pain and hurt. Why couldn’t I have been brought up in a loving Godly home? Did you hate me so very much? Why didn’t you answer my first real despairing prayer to you? How could you not stop him from hurting me? It is well and good that this wretched past is put to good use, and I see that people like Beth Moore used their painful pasts to help others but there is a little girl inside of me that wants to ask you, “Don’t you love me?” Because frankly, if you really loved me you would have stopped them from hurting me so badly.
I want to see just where you were in my past. I truthfully cannot find you there. Of course, I shut you out from the age of eight on because you didn’t take care of me. But you are supposedly an all-powerful God. Didn’t you care that the walls were really being built up so high? It would have been easier to tear them down early on. It is hard to see that there seems to be a pattern of abuse and neglect by even one I am supposed to call abba Father. What kind of father abandons a child he loves? Who doesn’t stand up and protect her? What kind of God?
I wish I could get over this anger at you but there is a sense of betrayal. I see so many hurts from the sins I committed that trace their origins to this betrayal. Oh , I can’t excuse my actions and choices by pinning them on my past, but when my innocence was destroyed it made me wonder if there was any good in me at all.
I want to know why my parents did not love me. Was it something in me that is innately unlovable? So if they couldn’t love me, how can I even believe you could love me? Maybe you could muster up some pity and affection for a freak, but do I deserve real love from you or anyone?
God, you have given me life. I exist because of you, but I do not live life to its fullest. Life is something I never embraced. I went through life trying not to be noticed, hiding, and quite frankly a good portion of my life I spent trying not to live, to kill myself. Even to this day I see life as existence, not something to be fully embraced and enjoyed. Is there meant to be joy for me in this life?
I look at so many around me who seem to have genuine relationships with you. Who bask in the glow of your love, claim to freely go to you with problems. See you as so real and vital to their lives. I see myself as spiritually autistic. I do not fully reach out to you. I am afraid of you, yet long for your love. Your abandonment of me as a child (or at least my perception of your abandonment) makes me doubt my relationship with you. I don’t know if you will really be there if I reach out to you. I am afraid to test you to see if you will be there. I am paralyzed with fear.
Inside me is a little child that never had a chance to live. A part of me wants you to come and nurture that child, grow her up, give her security and peace. But frankly, I fight to keep her safe. To reach out to you and have you not answer would kill that child. Would you answer if I reached out? I want to know for sure.
Please know that I am being honest. I mean you no disrespect, but am honestly sharing my fears. A relationship has to be based on honesty. I do respect you and am so thankful that you saved me from my sins. I guess I want more though. Oh how I long to feel the realness of your presence, a sense that you would be there for me, on my side, fighting my battles.
I also want to know what you want me to do with the rest of my life. I feel so much was squandered by my rebellion and the 40 years in the wilderness. Do you hate me for all that rebellion? Can it be put to use?
Dear Jesus, I guess this all could be summed up in the word love. I want to learn to love you, and to feel that you love me. I need to have the damage repaired inside to make this even remotely feasible. And from a childish point of view, I want to know, do you love me? can you love me? I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t see anything worth loving and I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t love me. I sure spent many years hating you. Jesus, please just let me now where I stand with you. If there is any hope or should I cash my chips in now.
I am hurting right now. Maybe this is not the time to write this letter. No matter what, I have grown to learn to love you and I pray that you love me.
Heather
Comments (32)
Have a Happy Valentines Day.We all have trouble in different areas to be healed in, that is where the body of Christ comes in ,to pray for each other. I pray that God will give you total healing in the areas you need healed in. God heals in his own way and time, but he does heal.
Wow Heather what an extremely honest letter. Oh my. I want to reach out and give you something. This sounds silly but if you were here I would give you a chocolate brownie with chocolate coolwhip on it. “Oh taste and see that the Lord is good. We do not know the reason for things. If we let it we could drive ourselves insane. When I got breast cancer I was very light hearted and gay. The grumpy Korean lady doctor who informed me I had it, called my doctor to tell him I was too happy. Something was wrong with me. My doctor and I chuckled about this. So a year later after chemo and radioation and countless bloodwork, treatments,hospital visits etc. it came time for the BIG test.Was my cancer gone. When I went for that appt. the doc said. “I don’t like some of these numbers. I literally froze. I did not sleep for almost 2 weeks and I washallucinating and went into the hospital for 4 days. What happened? As long as I believed and prayed and held on to my faith(even though I did not like my circumstances) I was ok. But when I focused on the horrible stark reality, I had a breakdown. If you let yourself continue to wander to the whys of your grief, it will eventually take you away from where you want to be. The devil wants to destroy us. The terriblre things in this world are the DEVIL,s fault. We have to believe that GOd loves us and someday we will Know everything.
Hi Heather,
I did not your whole post (first paragraph or two only) because I am about to take Joshua to Little Gym. But I just wanted you to remember that I am here for you. If you want, you can email me; we can exchange numbers if you like. Anything I can do between the miles please just let me know.
Hey there…just wanted to remind you that none of us are perfect – even and especially those who think they are – and that your online journal is what YOU want it to be. If you need to pour out your heart, go for it, and ignore what other people say. Including me! I’m not going to give you any pithy “it’s all part of God’s plan” crap b/c you are just in a stage of mourning, healing…and you just need to go through it. Don’t worry about “not showing enough faith” or “not trusting God enough”…you don’t need to reach any standards, especially those others are trying to impose on you. God just wants your heart, even if that heart right now is questioning.
You know, the more I learn, the more I read, the more I study the Bible…the more questions I have. I think that’s good, don’t you? I’m glad I’m not alone in that. I have questions, I have doubts…I think God likes it that way!
WOW that letter was great….there is a book out..true story…called…” A man Called Dave” (or Named) its a bout this little boy and his brother who suffered what we did …..and how he over came it and triumphed………………YOU know it helped me so much through my healing time…there is three of them from his birth to his adulthood…..simply amazing how he overcame.
GOD IS GOOD……..PRAYING always for you. KNOW THIS. LOVE ROBIN
You are in my prayers. I pray you might feel surrounded by Christ’s love in the midst of such doubt. I’m so sorry for your pain.
((((((((((((((HUGE HUGS))))))))))))))))))
I agree your blog should be what you want it to be. I do use a paper journal also. Sometimes I need to just ramble and pour our my heart and I don’t necessarily want to do that on line. It’s up to you what helps you the most. It can be good to get feedback from others, but sometimes you get advise that is upsetting, so I would keep that in mind. It was interesting what your pastor shared about healing. I’ve been healed from a physical condition and my faith level is much higher now than it was before. It’s interesting because I think what has changed is not that I expect to be healed from everything, but that I can trust Him either way. I just know His intentions are the best for me and whatever needs to happen it will be ok.
I’m not with you… There was a man who sought healing for his son, went to Jesus, and Jesus healed the son without having ever even gone to look upon him. We need a point of contact? I don’t think that holds water scripturally…
But I do the same thing with my site. It’s personal, it’s spiritual, it’s familial… it’s healthy. Honest. And those things are good.
Anna, that was like the Centurian, who believed, who had faith. The point of contact in that case was the man’s faith that Jesus could heal his son. It does not have to be a physical point of contact, it is where the link of faith is.
Grannyfox, yes, feedback is good, but can also be upsetting. I think that my faith has grown more now than before, but there is still a lot of room for growth.
Hope you all have a happy Valentine’s Day. We are having a snowy one.
Thanks for your support and comments. I tend to listen, take them to my pastor in counseling and run ideas by him as well. I do believe one day that I will resolve this, but it is just such a slow process for me.
Heather
I hope things get better. Read Isaiah 40:28-31. I don’t have any wisdom to offer but the Word does.
Thanks. Ditto, bud.
((((hugs)))))
Ecclesiastes 3
A Time for Everything 1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Your time now is to heal from deep deep wounds, and it will happen in the time you need. I am hoping that with your words, the pressure for you to perform to thier religious standards will go away. Forget thier time table, forget thier pressure and forget their condemnation. You are so gentle and so loving….words can always be said in love and healing comes with love and time. You are and have been taking all the steps you need to heal. You are deep in the word, strong in your faith, attending Bible studies and Church and you are in counseling. You are not feeling sorry for yourself, you are healing. You are not NOT taking the step of faith they keep pushing you to, you already have. You are an inspriation to me and others and I would be lost if you felt driven away from Xanga because of them. Feel free to block those who are bringing this condemnation to you. It is YOUR site and it is YOUR life and you are a child of the king. So Princess, you just keep on keeping on. I will never get tired of walking with you. You just take all the time you need.
Happy Valentines to someone who brings a new meaning to the word love.
Marlene
Hi Heather, I hope that you are having a good day. You are in my thoughts and prayers. May the love of God fill your heart.
((hugs))
I know what you mean.
<3
I agree with what your pastor says–sometimes we have to sort of “re-live” pain for God to heal it. That has happened to me more than once. I am praying for you too.
OH Heather…..{{{{{{HUG}}}}} I wish that i could give you that in person and us spend some time on our knees together….Know that i am praying for you….
Heather, can I get permission from you to post this letter you wrote to God to my church’s prayer chain group?
Your prayer is very powerful. I wish I can tell you something that would answer all your questions and heal your heart from all the hurts. ‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not to your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall sirect your paths.’ Proverbs 3:5-6
Only God can give you peace, cleanse you from all your hurts and help you forgive yourself and others. I wished I had the perfect words to help you out, but know that YOU WILL BE HEALED in the Name of JESUS. All I ask you, is to just praise Him. Put your questions to rest and just follow Him and get to know Him in the relationship you have with Him. JUST GIVE HIM PRAISE.
HAPPY MOMENTS, PRAISE GOD
DIFFICULT MOMENTS, SEEK GOD
QUIET MOMENTS, WORSHIP GOD
PAINFUL MOMENTS, TRUST GOD
EVERY MOMENT, THANK GOD.
I think right now, you should just seek His face and worry about continuosly building your relationship with him. Just focus on Him, that’s all He wants you to do, that simple– then you’ll start seeing answers being answered one by one according to His time–and at His time, you will be very strong enough to understand all these details about why you had to face what you had. Sometimes God anwers all of our questions, sometimes not all, sometimes early, sometimes late, and late could be very late in it’s timing. So instead of burrying yourself in a sea of guilt, sorrow, hurt and sadness, seek the joy and life God is offering you– the one He paid to set you free at the Cross. Your life will be much more fulfilled b/c if you continue the way you are going, you’ll end up trapping yourself and finding it hard to comprehend so many things b/c you’ve trained yourself over (the) time(s) that ‘this is how it’s suppose to be’ ‘or this and that’… I love you! I’ll be praying for you. And Just simply SEEK Him, SURRENDER yourself and your question to Him and let Him to the Answering at His time. Amen. ~E
hey sort of random here – but your letter to Jesus reminded me of a Rich Mullins song. It is very honest.
Hard To Get – Rich Mullins, The Jesus Record
You who live in heaven
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth
Who are afraid of being left by those we love
And who get hardened by the hurt
Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread
Did You forget about us after You had flown away
Well I memorized every word You said
Still I’m so scared, I’m holding my breath
While You’re up there just playing hard to get
You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin
We have a love that’s not as patient as Yours was
Still we do love now and then
Did You ever know loneliness
Did You ever know need
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You were barely holding on
And Your friends fall asleep
And don’t see the blood that’s running in Your sweat
Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You’re up there just playing hard to get?
And I know you bore our sorrows
And I know you feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained
And I know that I am only lashing out
At the One who loves me most
And after I figured this, somehow
All I really need to know
Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can’t see what’s ahead
And we can not get free of what we’ve left behind
I’m reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret
I can’t see how You’re leading me unless You’ve led me here
Where I’m lost enough to let myself be led
And so You’ve been here all along I guess
It’s just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get
Hang in there.
Okay, Heather,
That is the second person to tell you about Hard to Get. If you don’t have the Jesus Record, maybe a little gift for yourself would be nice. Have to listen to the disk where Mr. Mullins sings it.
The letter is beautiful. Am I crazy or have I read it before? (I know, I know … could be yes to both!)
There is so much my heart wants to say, but my head just does not know how to express it. So I will just stop the rambling now.
(hug)
Thanks flowergirl for the song. It really is how I speak with Jesus. Snowberry I plan to look for that CD asap. Yes, you have read that letter before. I brought it forward from a previous post. So you are not crazy (She says smiling). It just seemed to be something that fit what I had written. I thought I posted that I brought it forward. By Grace, that is one thing that struck home. I had been focusing on the relatonship not Jesus and God. I guess I was doing what I need to stop doing, going to God with expectations instead of trusting Him and our relationship alone. I have to work on that one. Gwowia, it would be great to spend some time together in prayer. For His Glory, thanks for understanding that,
My kids will be happy this morning, a two hour snow delay.
Lots of love,
Heather
Go to http://www.christianbook.com usually you can find The Jesus Record pretty cheap there. I agree with snowberry, the demos of Rich Mullins singing are the best. I don’t know how much you know about Rich Mullins, but he died in a car accident with in weeks of recording the demo. Then his band redid the songs and both versions are on his CD. But, the demos are stripped down and seem so annointed. “Hard To Get ” jumped out at me the first time I heard it. Definitely find the CD. I think many songs on there will touch your heart.
Hi Heather,
You are not alone: as you have God.
You are not alone: as to what happened to you as a child.
You are not alone: as to the way you feel.
For all of these things: You are not alone!
As to some of what you wrote: I have been to that same spot. I keep going back, too, even tho I don’t want to. Why do we do those things? Maybe it is because we are humans, still. Oh, I so look forward to the day that I won’t be human any longer! I thank you for sharing. It is so helpful to myself and others. For at times, I have felt that no one can understand how I have felt and how I feel. I think you understand, completely. God has made you special and you are a blessing to others. May He bless you with peace now and forever. Thank you. Hugs, Sandy
There seems to be so many people already offering words to you…so I won’t become more noise…instead just know you are in my prayers… Shalom
Hi Heather,
So glad the cloud seems to be lifting. Hope you know I meant you are welcome anytime - good or bad, rain or shine, ventilate or celebrate - anything and everything I’m here for you.
Yes you did post a disclaimer. Sorry I read it, but missed it. Long night at work last night (notice the time I posted that comment). me so sahwy.
While we’ve got Rich Mullins songs going, I thought I’d copy and paste an older song here, the one that I posted with “Hard to Get” on December 13th (btw, the words in brackets was a phrase I changed when I sang this because the original line did not specifically fit me … don’t remember the original phrase).
Hold Me Jesus by Rich Mullins
Well, sometimes my life just don’t make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small
So hold me Jesus, ’cause I’m shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won’t You be my Prince of Peace
And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It’s so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart
So hold me Jesus, ’cause I’m shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won’t You be my Prince of Peace
Surrender don’t come natural to me
I’d rather fight You for something I don’t really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I’ve beat my head against so many walls
Now I’m falling down, I’m falling on my knees
[It's so hard to let it all go and just give in
But] Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin
I’m singing hold me Jesus, ’cause I’m shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won’t You be my Prince of Peace
You have been King of my glory
Won’t You be my Prince of Peace
just wondering how you got my site
glad i stopped by today. praying for you. injustices are hard to overcome. memories seem to never fade. the experiences change us for life. do not be afraid, for hath He not said, I will never leave thee nor forsake thee?
I LOOOOOVE your broken, humble and meek spirit. Honest and beautiful.
heather,
i appreciate both your honesty and insight. from my own experience i would recommend a ‘personal, physical journal’ for that is a place to pour out your whole heart without wondering if you should censor things out ……. since ultimately the only two who will know it’s contents are God and yourself.
and at those times when it’s hard to seek God remember He is still there and has not let go of you. He loves you far too much to do that, even at those times when that doesn’t ‘feel’ like the truth.
Hi Heather, no dear sister, I do not mind you e-mailed..It’s just that it came on the day I have decided to do a 40 day xanga fast…I read quickly through your post and I have been dealing with tons of stuff too…Hang on to Jesus, stay in the Word, Church, have everyone you know pray for your kids…Do not fear them or let them intimidate you or cause you grief, we need to press on with the Lord and trust them to Him…Let’s pray for the xanga kids…including my own…In the Love of God…Karie
I too went through a very rough traumatic time in my life and when things seemed to build up this song played one day and i just broke out in tears and let them flow…. it felt so good and was such a release knowing HE CARES…
Fear not my child, I’m with you always, I see every pain and every tear I see.
Fear not my child I’m with you always I know how to care for what belongs to me.
He knows whats best for you and HE is still in control what doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger. Continue to Trust in God and HE WILL bring you through this more then a Conqueror…
I love all your encouragements you give to me….. but sometimes those who give all the time need to get too…
and I sure hope this helps you.
That song is by Carman called “fear not my child” on the Champion of Love cd…. My kids had played that many times but it never hit me like it did that day and I just felt like I crumbled in MY Heavenly Fathers lap and HE took it all away. HE will do the same for you….. Continue to trust…..and worship and Praise HIM….. HE’s still in control…and He loves you.!!!!
We are all growing and on different parts of the same road…some need to go a little slower and some are stronger but those things can change ina moment……when my dad died…strange things started bubbling up out of me…I started being angry about things that would not normally anger me…I had been marvelously delivered of anger when I came to trust Jesus with my life….One day I finally had a blow up at Mark one day which I felt so badly about later… I beat myself up pretty good about it…but I ended up going for counseling and I realized something…I believed I was healed of anger 24 yrs ago…but when God was about healing me of my painful past…I didn’t know what He was doing…He knew I would never go for counseling for the pain b/c I was familiar with it and like a bad back I lived with it…but when this new “old” thing popped up it got my attention…so I was able to cooperate with what God was doing in me…
I say this to say when I shared with my pastor in the middle of this what I think woke me up was when he said…Kerri this is a good thing…I was stunned… how could all these memories of abuse and pain be a good thing!!!??? Later God showed me that it was a good thing because I was on the road to healing….so I tried to spend my time looking at it from that perspective…now my gaping wound and woundedness is still visible but it is all cleaned out and a scar remains to remind me of what He did and not what they did…
I pray Heather for you to heal of your wounds and that God will take you through in His wisdom and one day you will be at peace with the issue of why He didn’t stop the abuse………..myself I have come to this now I think I would rather serve a God who makes a promise to His creation that they will have a free will and cannot break that principal because He is a promise keeper…and believe He has a way out of any pain that can cause because He is well able…and you are in process of all that…may I say “it’s a good thing” and pass my pastor’s words of wisdom..forward…?………..I also wanted to say…it really helped me to express my feelings b/c I needed to hear someone say….I am sorry. Which I got from my husband, my counselor….soometimes just hearing that helps us to heal….my father can never say it now b/c he is gone. Maybe that is why I got so angry….now I would never hear it from him. But I believe God tells me in little ways when I am paying attention….how much He loves me and how much He loves all of us…..
I am sorry Heather for all you have endured in your life….but you are good to go when you go with God…ha…I just made that up…haha…boy that sounded so cheezy! Like God is a car or something!……
Take good care and I know you will stay on that road…I just know it….love Kerri
Comments are closed.