January 22, 2005
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I have been so touched lately by the outpouring of care and concern on my fears, doubts, and questions about God. I suppose that if there was ever a manifestation of God on the earth, it would be the love shown here.
Abba, people seem to feel so close to God, so close that they, like Jesus, call him Abba. I wouldn’t dare do that. Erik Erickson mentions in his books that if a person is to develop basic trust they have to have experienced unconditonal love. I would guess that the Abba of people’s experience is that kind of a God, but how does one relate to unconditonal love if it was never a part of your experience.
In a recent Bible study our teacher drew three triangles on the blackboard
at the apex, the point of one triangle was spirit, with the base being soul and body.
triangle 2′s apex was soul with the base being spirit and body
Triangle 3′s apex was body, with the base being spirit and soul
The questions was who is in control (at the apex), in healthy spiritual life Christ is in control speaking through our spirit to direct our soul (mind and emotions) and body.
Any other configuration is unbalanced and unstable.
Well, this person here is very unbalanced and unstable. I think that for me the problem is CONTROL.
If you grow up in an abusive household you do not have control, or if you find a way to get control it is not of the healthy kind. In my household my parents held the control, did the abuse. The only methods I had for survival was to learn to control my emotions and expressions, to store away some draino for a quick exit if things got too bad (the only poison I could get my hands on at 8), and to go so far inside with anything that was childlike, tender and sensitive so that it could not be destroyed by them. Also to make sure that if something really mattered I would act as if it did not matter beause if they knew it mattered, it would be used as a weapon against me.
Problem is, I ended up with the priority of finding a way to be in control to protect my life. Now Christ is here wanting to be in control, to be the authority in my life, and the idea of relinquishing control to Him is so difficult.
No matter how much I read the Bible, read about Christ, I am having a difficult time feeling that He can be trusted with control in my life. It boils down to why He didn ‘t protect me back then. Until I find out that answer, I think I have dug my heels in about turning over control.
Of course, logically, I sure made a mess of my life so my control isn’t all that great either, and I know that there are many things that I have no control over.
I think the biggest fear is that if I reach out to Christ and He doesn’t respond, then I am left with absolutely nothing. At least now I have the illusion that if I reached out maybe Christ would answer. What if I reach out and He doesn’t. Better to pretend I guess.
Still snowing, six inches on the ground. kids are having fun with it though, and I should take out stock in hot chocolate.
Have a great Sunday, and thanks for listening.
Heather
Comments (12)
Heather thanks for stopping by and visiting my site, hope you liked it. I have enjoyed what I have read in your site so far. Thanks again and God bless you……..Cd
Hi Heather,
My kids are pretty good when they are sick, but my husband is a baby lol. I am sorry you had to go thru so much in your childhood. I did too, but in different ways. God has been patient with me, I had to grow in Him and learn that i could trust Him. I still have problems at times but now I know that He is there to help me.Trust is a difficult thing. You earn someones trust, you cant just make it happen over night. He loves you, and really wants to help you get thru these things. He is our hope. Blessings.
Hugs,
Patty
Have you ever read The Screwtape Letters by C. S. Lewis? He writes from the devil’s perspective to expose the lies that keep people from trusting in Christ. Judging from your last two posts, you might benefit from a reading of that.
“I suppose if there was ever a manifestation of God on the earth—” that would be Jesus Christ. “Anyone who has seen me [Jesus speaking] has seen the Father”, John 14:6. If you want to learn about the character of God, study the character of Christ. (Of course I don’t doubt you also see the character of Christ in many of the sympathetic people who are helping you!)
But any rate, though I have not experienced trials as severe as yours, I think I can empathise with your feelings. If I may humbly offer some observations from my own perspective, having come through lesser trials, I would say:
1) Do not make the mistake of blaming God for the sinful actions of others. James 1:13-15 makes it clear that God is not the author of evil. I.E. It was not God but a sinful person with Free Will who did those things to you (and probably Satan somewhere in the mix, I wouldn’t be surprised).
2) Of course God is Sovereign and allowed those things to happen. The question to be answered, then, is what was His reason? Part of the solution may be found Joseph’s statement in Genesis 50:20–”You meant it for evil against me, but God meant it for good.” As hard as it may be to believe, God allowed the evil because He knows it will ultimately have a good result in your life. In my life, the worst thing that has happened to me also turned out to be the thing that strengthened my relationship with God the most. (Very long story there.)
A good chapter to study here might be Lamentations 3, a poem by someone who also felt abandoned and betrayed by God because of what he’d suffered, and yet concludes, “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases…. Great is your faithfulness.”
3) The most important thing to realize, above all–and once you truly grasp this your life will never be the same–is that Christ can be trusted to be in control of your life because He has suffered exactly the same as you did. Consider the following:
“In all their affliction he [God] was afflicted,” –Isaiah 63:9
“Surely He [Messiah] has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows.” –Isaiah 53:4
“Therefore he [Jesus] had to be made like his brothers in every respect, so that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people. For because he himself has suffered when tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.” –Hebrews 2:17-18
In short (which is what we always say when we’ve said too much), if you have a picture of an unsympathetic God who sternly deals out affliction, you’ve missed the greatest thing about His heart. He knows, sympathizes, cares, and indeed has experienced the suffering you’ve gone through.
Sorry this is so long– you got me right in the heart!
EMP
Great post sweetie. Love your honesty. i too have problems with a father imAge for God. My dad was a violent drunk. I laid him out cold with a baseball bat when I was 12. Now I have to deal with the thought of God as Father & that’s a hard one for me for sure.
Wayne Freeman
I have the same doubts as you…..it’s a struggle for sure.
Thank you for caring. (((((hug)))))
Oh how I wish there was a way I could help, but I often struggle with some of the same things you describe.
Control … that’s a tough one for me. I’m so used to having to be in control, having to be the strong one, having to be so many things that to say, “Okay God, I’ve had enough. You take over now.” Don’t know why it’s so hard … so frustratingly hard.
But I do see something from a different perspective than you … I don’t see God as causing the affliction (“allowing” is a tougher call), I see Him as suffering it with me, knowing my trials with both His body and His Spirit. Everything I have suffered, He has in turn taken upon Himself and suffered with me so that I don’t have to bear the pain alone, for then it would just be too unbearable.
You have a hold on the life-line, just keep hanging on no matter how much you feel like your grasp might be slipping. There is Someone very strong holding the other end, pulling you in. Don’t let go.
Hello :0). I saw you came by my site and subscribed… Thanks for your comment. Wow, I just read your post, and I must say, that’s it’s extremely commendable that you’re searching for truth. I don’t know the details of your childhood, or of your life at all for that matter, so I can’t lend an “I know how you feel” or an “I’ve been there”… That would all be too plastic, and the stuff of hypocrisy. But I can give you the words that have helped me on my quest for truth. You said, “I think the biggest fear is that if I reach out to Christ and He doesn’t respond, then I am left with absolutely nothing.” I once read in a book about the beliefs of Christian spirituality something pertaining to this… “In the debate against a believer in Jesus and an atheist, the greatest proof you have is this… If the believer lives his life in the hope of a Saviour (Jesus), and then dies and finds out there’s no God, he didn’t lose anything, because he still lived his life in hope and love. If the atheist lives his life believing their isn’t a God, then dies and finds out there is but it’s too late for him to do anything about it, then he loses everything… He lived a life of unbelief, and ended up finding that he avoided Truth his entire life. The believer never had anything to lose.” Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t think you’re an atheist, or you don’t seem to be anyways, but I think the message still pertains to your current state of belief… What have you got to lose? But in the end, despite what anyone tells you… You’ll have to experience Jesus yourself, in order to know if He’s worthy of your trust. There is no scientific formula to give you to help you find the truth… No mathematical proof that God is trustworthy… If there were, I’d be studying… But God is relational… He’s not a set of ideas to adhere to, He’s not run based on a checklist… He’s an active Being. Getting to know Him, and figuring out if you can trust Him, has got to be approached more like falling in love with someone, rather than following a recipe. All that to say this… If you’re really searching for truth, my advice is to try Him on for size. Start a relationship with Him… It’s like getting to know someone at your school or at your job… You never if you like them or not, and you never get to know their qualities and characteristics, if you never start a relationship with them… Hope to hear from you.
Peace friend,
Audra, Acts 4:12
You’re so lucky. At least others listen to you.
Consider this: You inherit a house. The foundation is good, the layout is efficient and comfortable, but the roof leaks, the walls are dirty and covered with scratches and holes. The carpet is worn and useless. The windows leak and your insulation needs real work. WOW…what a disaster, but…what potential!
Would you expect to move in and be able to make all of the repairs right now? I would expect not. You would sit down, prioritize the damage and the need to fix it and take it a step at a time.
As I mentioned before, your foundation is solid. I am assuming at this point that your foundation is strong and that you are saved, grounded in Christ and his Word…so onto the next step. (If this is not the case, you better back up and fix the foundation.)
You wouldn’t want to paint, replace the carpet or do any cosmetic work first, without first fixing the roof. If you did then the weather would just damage all of the work you put into making the house beautiful and comfortable.
In the same manner, you wouldn’t want to worry about overeating or teaching Sunday school if you have not first learned to submit to your husband. I don’t know in which areas you are suffering, but my guess is, it starts here. Does your marriage suffer because of your inability to give up control?
I grew up in a reality where woman were controlling, critical, domineering, aggresive and even abusive to their spouses and everyone around them. The men were passive, non-confrontational and sometimes even absent to hide from the woman who ruled them (Proverbs 21:19 It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.) Then I married a man who came from the same type of family structure. Can you imagine the problems we’ve had? I start learning about the correct place for the man and woman in a marriage and then being the control freak that I am, I start nagging my husband to step up and take charge, but then when he does, I constantly critique and criticise his ability to make correct decisions. How much more counter productive could I be? I have learned step-by-step to change my attitude towards my husband and what a relief! I don’t have the burden of having to always be right or always having to do everyone else’s job, to make sure it gets done right. (sound familiar?) and now I have more time to focus on the “paint and the carpet”, because “my roof is fixed!”
This may not be a problem for you, but my guess – it is – because this is usually the biggest pitfall of women who have control issues.
If you’re not sure, that you should trust God enough to believe this, then look at your children. When you tell your child to do something, their initial response is usually – “Why?”. After so many “why’s”, mama finally just says “because I told you so”. This doesn’t lessen the need for the child to obey the mama, it only means the child is obviously incapable of understanding the necessity for the mama to say “no”, but someday, if they just do what mama says, they’ll understand the “why?” We have to obey God in much the same way. You may not always be able to understand or even comprehend “why?”, but if you obey God and do it anyway, the wisdom and understanding will come.
Dear Starvingtheartist, I went to your site and you have not left any room for comments. It is hard to comment when no access, not even a guestbook. Know you are still in my prayers and that I do care. I keep praying that you will find the peace you are so desperately seeking.
Zippy, thanks for thinking this, but really my husband and I have a solid relationship. In fact, submitting to him is easy, we dated for so long that by the time I married him, I knew he was safe. There is one thing to remember about husband and wife submission though is that the husband is to love his wife like Christ loves the church, if not it still is not godly submission. In fact, after the legalistic treatment of my husband for being a Catholic by my born again sister-in-law and her family, my husband finally stopped mocking Born Agains (and now attends Bible study) when I came home and announced to him that Pastor Don said the Bible says I am to submit to my husband. He calmed down about my affiliation with the church then, and I still submit by attending mass with him and the kids, but am free to pursue Bible studies. All in due time I guess.
I think you analogy of the house is right.. That things take time and one area is worked on at a time. I guess there is such a void inside that makes it hard to relax and trust, a need for that kind of father’s love that wasn’t there ever.
EMP, It is so hard to sort out the issues of free will/determinism. God did give free will to the man who did evil to me, but could not God have given me free will not to be hurt? I can’t comprehend that. I suppose God will turn what was bad into something good, but then I do that as well by reaching out to other people, something I did before I got saved, before I knew God I was helping others to make the hurt mean something. I will check out Lamentations and Screwtape letters is in my book pile of books to read at some point. Will let you know how I fare with those. I don’t think I see God as sternly dealing out affliction, but more as inept (please know I am being honest and that does not demean the sacrifice of God), but somehow I sort of feel that God could prevent some things from happening and lesson a lot of hurts on the earth. And I also realize I contributed to the hurts of the earth by my own sinful nature.
Patty, I hope God is trying to help me to trust Him because I cannot do it on my own understanding.
LeighAnn, I don’t have that lifeline yet. Maybe He was there as I said in one post, in the nots, what did not happen, ie STD, pregnancy, etc. I need help in seeing just where He was, and I hope one day as Ephesians 1 says, that the eyes of my understanding be opened. I pray that, because I want so much to trust, but am so fearful.
One day, my husband who used to live on a houseboat when we first met and dated, before kids, said that there was a boat fire on a boat near where his was docked, and he ended up going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, unable to decide on what to rescue in case the boat ended up catching on fire too. I guess in a way with God I am restlessly pacing, not sure exactly what to ask or pray for, whether it is safe to reach out, giving things over to God only to snatch them back for fear that God won’t help, etc. It is very conflicted, but I can’t pretend either, I have to feel, to know, to be able to trust. Does that make sense?
Audra, you are right, I did start the relationship with Him, I do study and pray as if. But faith is tough, and God seems only to want us to deal in the commodity of faith. I try, but I have a lot of growing to do. I am only two years Born Again, so do not have a solid base I guess. If you wanted my history go to Dec. 31,2004 which gives a rundown. And thank you, thank you, thank you for not giving out I know how you feels when you don’t. Most do not follow that, and it is a bit offputting.
Have a blessed Sunday.
Heather
Heather, God is helping you. Sometimes we don’t know it, when He is. You are seeking with all of your heart and you will find your answers. Patients is not my virtue! Sometimes the wait seems unbareable, doesn’t it? Hugs, Sandy
Your honesty with your struggles is amazing. And you are not alone. But the life line I was referring to is your faith. You honestly believe in God and His sacrifice. You do have it. I see it. If you did not, you would not be having all these struggles and all these questions. If you did not have this faith, you would not have this great longing for understanding. You said before you made the committment to marry your husband, it took a long time before you felt safe. I think it’s kind of the same thing. But what is time to God. He has all the time in eternity to give to you.
I also reccommend The Screwtape Letters to any Christian who has never read it. I never thought of it as something comforting before – always thought of it more as a life’s lesson in general, how Christians fall into cerain traps that hinder their walk with God, but they can be avoided or overcome. And I don’t know if it will help you with your particular struggles, though it may, but definately read it. As a matter of fact, I think I will just have to read it again.
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