January 16, 2005
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Am reading THE MAN WHO WAS THURSDAY by G.K Chesterton
Besides the Bible, am curious what books have helped you sort out God issues. Please feel free to share. I always look for books to help.
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Today at Mass (my husband is Catholic and we attend mass on Sundays as a family), the priest talked about a show about whales. Thinking it was a whaling show, he was surprised that it had nothing to do with anything nautical. Apparently the term is a slang for big gamblers in Las Vegas. The little gamblers are minnows, and then there are sharks for medium gamblers. They profiled a few of the whales. One was a woman who lost a million dollars. The casino wanted to keep her happy so they asked what they could do to help. She asked to meet a few minnows. She met a nice family, had lunch with them, talked with them, then went out and bought them a car as a gift. That was what helped ease the pain of her loss.
The other whale they talked about was a man who lost 5 million dollars. When asked what would ease the pain of his loss, he named a bottle of rare wine. The butler assigned to him spent a whole day trying to locate the $30,000 bottle of wine, and the cassino agreed to pay for the wine. When he received the bottle of wine, the man took it to the bathroom, dropped it into the tub and broke the bottle letting the wine go down the drain, then told the butler to clean up the glass.
Two people faced losses, one gave out, and the other just destroyed and not only still felt bad, but also wasted a whole day of the butler’s to destroy something so expensive.
He then turned this story back to the scripture, which was John pointing out that Jesus was the Son of God, and said that in all his dealings with people Jesus gave out, he did not take, did not abuse did not hurt, but tried to help. That people were attracted to him because of that attribute. Then the Priest said that he hopes that as we walk through our lives we are like the first whale, generous.
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I was thinking a lot of roots of bitterness today. I know that there are still a lot of them inside of me. It is kind of like a dandelion, that you unearth some of the root, but if you leave even a piece of it inside, it grows back again. Sometimes with the hurt and the pain I feel like I am in a sinkhole, and even though I try to climb out, I keep sinking down. Is there no end?
Had a re-run of a dream last night. Imagined I was being crushed under a large stone, and could not breath, but was being hurt at the same time. Could not yell out for help, could not move, could not stop the hurt. I woke up in a cold sweat. This dream keeps plaguing me.
I know what it alludes to, and I have to say, that if Jesus can really heal the hurts inside, I wish he would make haste and do it. I do not like being toyed with. And it seems that pretty much all my life I have been a pawn in the hands of some force or another. Where is the beauty for ashes that is promised. Perhaps the promises are not for us all.
Sorry this is so scattered, my mind is going a million miles a second right now.
Please take care of yourselves and enjoy tomorrow if you have tomorrow off (or for that matter, even if you don’t have tomorrow off).
Heather
Comments (23)
(Bittersweet smile)
{{{HUG}}}
<3
Hi! Thanks for subscribing to my site. I was wondering if you were an HPU alumni or how you came across my site? Have a great day!!
Thanks for your prayers and concern!
P.S.: I know about the bitterness…it’s a trap one tries desperately to climb out of. *hug*
HPU is Howard Payne University. It is a small Baptist college in Brownwood Texas. BeeyondSight is my friend Sarah’s mom. I’m a Social work major here. the “Gospel” in my user name is for The Gospel. Yay Christ.
Oh, and I don’t mind at all. It’s just neat to see how people find your site. I get a lot of alumni from my school that comment because they found me through the HPU blogrings. I’m just a college student that shares her day and thoughts.
Grace and Peace!
You are from Albany, NY? How do you know BeeyondSight? I know her and her family too! I use to go to HPU as well….yay God! And hey…high fives for being a stay home Mom!
Never went to HPU, only know BeyondSight thru Xanga, and live about an hour south of albany. Love being a stay at home mom.
Heather
stumbled across your site… and can identify with your frustration at how slow He seems to heal. I can’t say this (yet?) from personal experience, but as I listen to those who have fought through things … and have healed to a great degree… the change seems to come imperceptibly most often. I hate cheesy sayings (or those that don’t seem to take into question the ‘seriousness’ of an issue). But at the risk of this: “Courage does not lie in dying for a cause. To die is only giving. Courage is to feel the daily daggers of relentless steel and keep on living.” (anonymous)
sorry, the previous comment by ‘citizenofheaven84′ was really by me… didn’t realize i was signed in under a friend’s name
sorry, the previous comment by ‘citizenofheaven84′ was really by me… didn’t realize i was signed in under a friend’s name
I have to say that I am so grateful to those who have somehow found my site. The comments that people have made about the struggles I have been facing are awesome. It is is great to be able to put down thoughts and get insightful comments. It is also interesting to follow up on the writers of the comments and visit their sites. So many have incredible insights. For one that is new to Christianity and hungry to learn, it is very rewarding. I am so grateful at the gracious welcome I have received.
Heather
thank you
Hi Heather, I am thinking of your dream. While reading your posts and “hearing” about the dream, here is my thought. I think a lot of what we think and especially, dream, tell a lot about us and helps us in our relationship with God. It makes me think of “The Lord’s Prayer”. “Forgive us, our tresspasses, as we FORGIVE, those who tresspass AGAINST us.” Have you thought about the meaning of that and why God tells us to do this? God is telling us to forgive others’, not to help them out of whatever they did to us, BUT to help us! When we dwell on what others have done to us. It isn’t hurting them in the least bit. It is hurting us. It is tearing us apart. And, I can just imagine, that Satan is smiling the whole time! We are keeping the hatered, distaste, anger,torement alive, in us. The other people are not effected by this, only we are. God instructs us to forgive others, so that it will help us to heal and become free of the bondage of all those horrible feelings. So, my “advice” is to ask God to help you to forgive those who have “done you harm”. Believe me, this will help you out tremendously. I have exsperienced these things, in my life and the life of my son. It does help. Remember that and try it. Hugs, Sandy.
I do not think God is toying with you. I think you are just suffereing the side effects of being abused. Our bodies and minds and spirits are not indestructable. They can be wounded and they are. Healing is a process and we are never fully restored until heaven.
I often have a dream of losing someone. One of my kids, my husband etc. Always bad dreams. They reflect the pain that I have gone through with my two kids and husband almost dying and my fear of losing them. I seldom dream of anything else.
My husbands Psychiatrist once told him that he needed to get to the point where he could live with his mental health. And he would know when that point was. He will never be whole again, even though it was not his fault that he was wounded. He has come to the point where he accepts where he is. But that is only after long years of searching, therapy and struggles and meds. You will know when you have come to that point also, but until then keep fighting. It is worth all the pain….
By the way…I hate pain…and I am so sick of hurting…so I know where you are coming from….
I will get you a list of books that have helped me…
Books that have helped me – Mere Christianity and Screwtape Letters I still read every year. In apologetics, Evidence that Demands a Verdict and The Case for Christ. I highly recommend Foster’s Celebration of Discipline and Streams of Living Water. I loved Brennan Manning’s Ragamuffin Gospel and Ruthless Trust. I have more but I’d be most unhappy if I had to live without these. (I’ve lost them more than once to people who “borrowed” without returning, but I’m happy to replace them in hopes that those people are getting as much out of them as I did.)
That’s awesome!
And thank you. ::hugs::
Ah, eek. How true.
::hugs:: hope it goes well, though.
Yes, it certainly does.
“I also know that often I would back away from people for a time without telling them, not realizing that my absence scared them when I was suicidal.”
Hehe. Yeah, me too.
::hugs::
<3
If your looking for some books that will encourage your spiritual growth I have read Abba’s Child by Brennan Manning, it’s an Amazing book, I think every Christian should be required to read it, it will really help you to develope a different mindset about yourself and get a better understanding of how god truly feels about us as his children. Another good one is The Grip of grace by Max Luccado. Ok well thoes are my suggestions, hope you enjoy them!
I loved the story about the whales… wow. Funny how people are so different. It’s got me thinking. Thank you for that.
Apologies for not responding to anything lately, my internet hasn’t been functioning quite right all weekend. Now it’s fixed, just as my last day off is coming to an end! Ah well.
Thank you for your words of encouragement. I appreciate it all so much. You’re amazing.
Sandy, left a comment on your site.
Quiltinmommy, right now I am reading Your God is Too Safe, but I love any books by Stoebel and Manning. Have not read those two Lewis ones, but have them and plan to read them.
NomiPie, I have Abba’s Child in my pile of books to be read, I do love Manning so. And Max Lucado’s The Grip of Grace I will have to find I did read Yancey’s What’s so amazing about grace. That was a powerful book.
Shade, left a note on your side. The whale sermon really touched me and made me realize how much it is important to reach out to others.
whispers, please let me know if you need to take a break, I would worry.
Oh Marlene, I wish you did not have to deal with so many painful things. I just wish I could come and hug you and keep you company. I hope you husband finds that peace with what he has to deal with. I know that when I cycle down into deep depression, I do have the knowledge that it will pass and I will come out of it. That gives me a bit of peace in the midst of that. I pray peace for your husband as well.
Thanks, thanks, thanks. I don’t think I can say enough thanks for all the support you are giving me.
Lots of love,
Heather
Wow…poofimgonetoo actually talked exactly what I would have said. Once I forgave the guys who raped me…they suddenly could no longer have power over me.
Last August, I had reached my breaking point…I was involved in great amount of sexual relations, I hated myself, and hated everyone who slept with me. I used sex as a tool to manipulate men, because it had been used to manipulate my life. I woke up and couldn’t even recognize myself…I wouldn’t know what I was going to do next and I felt controlled by those same men who controlled me a night. The time was ripe and I was too broken to fix myself. God brought in some friends who loved and loved and loved me….with God’s love. My friend mentioned something about histories….and without thinking sardonically said, “yeah, well, my history is my present and future too.” I knew I was in a mess then, and yet she still loved me. And my heart softened, and I finally started to believe that God could love me….and did…and forgave me. So It was time to confess….I told them, and they started to pray. They prayed, and then they asked me to pray. I was stilted and inexperienced with this kind of prayer, but I did it, and without even planing, I managed to squeeze out “Father, forgive them.” I meant it. And my whole life changed. I lost the anger, the self hatred the fear, the anxiety, depression, all gone that night. Hasn’t meant that I haven’t still struggled…hasn’t meant that I haven’t still felt the effects and had the memories…it’s just that now I have a hope, and a knowledge that it isn’t those guys who will continue on in my future, but God. Forgiveness is the key. The growth continues from there.
^^I like Anyoneyoumeet’s thing about no power very much.
No worries, I wouldn’t leave without saying anything.
I suspect I’m far too addicted to leave anyway. Hehe.
Aww… thanks. She’s awesome; I just wish SHE could see it.
“Adults sometimes act worse than kids.”
Haha, true. I’m glad you survived, however.
“I don’t think kids get listened to enough.”
I agree. And that you try speaks volumes.
“It is important to be careful.”
Indeed it is.
Hehe, thank you.
I hope you have a good day
Tomorrow was well.
You’re special too.
<3
Hmm. There are many good books out there. I get most comfort from within the Bible itself. It’s odd though, most people like the Psalms or Job for comfort in trials. I think I find the greatest comfort in the Prophets, especially Isaiah, and the epistles of Peter and Paul. The Psalms and Job show how we long for God, especially in times of struggle, but Isaiah beautifully illustrates God’s longing for us. Just the very thought …
LeighAnn, you are right about the Bible. I spend most of my free time reading there. But sometimes it is nice to read other books. I like the Psalms, have problems with Job, and just finished a detailed study of the prophets. Right now am doing Revelation and in a few more weeks will be studying the fruit of the spirit with my ladies’ Bible study.
Anyoneyoumeet, you are so right about forgiveness. If you don’t forgive, you will end up carrying around the weight of the hurt and the person who hurt you probably could care less or is insensitive. Forgiveness is the best way to fight back.
Heather
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