January 10, 2005

• Finished Yancey’s book.

  
  

  Figure that one thing I am very grateful for is my salvation. I was hurt badly as a child, but what I did in retaliation certainly did not merit much praise. In fact I count my blessings that God would even consider forgiving me.

  
  

  As you know, I spent most of my teenage years trying to kill myself. At 17, still counting the hours, minutes and seconds until my 18th birthday I stumbled upon a group of pagans. These pagans showed me something that no Christian had showed me, love.

  
  

  I started going to their meetings, lying to my mom that it was national honor society meetings. They, I found out later, took turns sitting by me, just making sure I wasn’t alone. I was really messed up emotionally. I would stand in corners, arms crossed in front of me, not looking at anyone. At one point, I felt apologetic when I decided to live. I was sure they would lambast me for changing my mind, and be disappointed. The reverse was true.

  
  

  This group held the hippie free love values of the day, and spent much of their meetings in states of undress, free love was rampat, as were drugs and alcohol. I started experimenting with all of these. It was then that I discovered just how far my father went (I had repressed all but the pain). Figuring I wasn’t a virgin, I decided what did it matter. I used to brag that if there was a notch on my bedpost for every person I had sex with, there would be no bedpost left. I just didn’t care. Nor did I care what pills went into my mouth, as long as they altered my mood. Alcohol helped the pills to get stronger. I realize now that I had a death wish, and if you were looking for God’s presence you would find it here. I did not get pregnant, a disease, kill myself with pills or alchohol, and finally decided not to take pills at all.

  
  

  At 18 I married. My reasons were pretty bad. I did not love the man, but he loved me. I figured no one would ever love me, so I might as well marry. I did grow to love him, but we had an open relationship. And at one point a group marriage. I was finally receiving therapy, and realized that I married a man that was the spitting image of my father in appearance, but not in behavior. I could not deal with sex, as everything was very charged emotionally. The only way I could deal with sex was when it didn’t matter, wasn’t an emotional tie, and was pretty plastered. A look, a cough, a caress, a word or expression would bring back memories with a vengence. I was a walking landmine.

  
  

  I was taking anti-depressent medicine, and had an allergic reaction. So I stopped taking the pills and squirrelled them away. It was only after I got saved that I was able to throw away my suicide stash. I was so hurting and needy, and immature. None of the behaviors I was doing produced any relief, but I found myself compelled to live the lifestyle. But I was so withdrawn emotionally that my behavior and feelings were very distant. I just did what I thought would get people to like me, and it didn’t matter if it also meant that I was hurting myself. I felt I deserved to be hurt because I was unlovable.

  
  

  I discovered more facets of the occult and threw myself full tilt into them. In fact I felt I had a natural bent for this, and studied hard. I was at one point priestess of 150 witches in a coven. I studied many forms of the occult. But it left me strangly vacant. It seemed that no where that I searched, father god, mother god, gaia, mother earth, krishna, huna, voodoo, magic,whatever produced what I was longing for. I kept searching and realized that all the religions seemed to have much in common. The gods all addressed various aspects of needs of humans. I thought it did not matter what religion a person accepted, all roads led to the same end, kind of like the rays of the sun. Christianity was just another path to the same source, the light, the sun.

  
  

  I ended up divorcing my husband after 3 years. We were both pretty messed up. He has since died, and he died before I married my current husband. I kept seeking various spiritual paths looking for something, but not finding anything of value. Oh there are truths in all the religions, there are good deeds and actions. I used to think I did well because I never cursed anyone, only healed and helped. Most religions do have elements of the truth in them because they have to, people are not stupid. If there was no truth, then people would go into other directions. The way it works is that things vary from the truth slightly.

  
  

  I met and married my husband. We dated and spent time together for 10 years before we finally tied the knot. When my first son was born, my husband decided that we go to the Catholic church because we have to raise our children Catholic. I think pretty much you know the rest from previous posts.

  
  

  I sure wish I could have altered my rebellion to the past. I wish I had never had the abortion I had before I married my husband because that is one sin that is hard to forgive myself for.

  
  

  Please know, that given what I have done in the past, it was very difficult to take a moral position that my parents were so horrible and I was so innocent. I was as a child more innocent, but I sure made up for it in my young adult life.

  
  

  How I wish I had made wiser choies through my hurt. But because of these choices, I know that I am more tolerant of others and their difficulties. Harder to judge others, and I have to give the grace and compassion I was shown to others. So I guess there is a good side to this, but I sure hope others do not do the same kinds of mistakes I did.

  
  

  More later, my sons have their concert tonight. My daughter on Thursday. I will write later when I get back. I thank you for sharing in this journey of mine. I am hoping that what I have shared does not drive others away or make them hate me, but I really felt it necessary to share the not so nice parts of my personality.

  
  

  Heather

  • 5:40 pm
  • 12 Comments