December 31, 2004

• For any who read this, I want to wish you a Happy and Blessed New Year.

  
  

  I know that there are a few here who are going to throw up their hands and say, “I tried, she is just not willing to accept the truth.” To them I say, sorry.

  
  

  I have been reading posts that people have put on my site, and I really appreciate the input. I take what is written to heart, and honestly can say that some of the ideas there I am seeking hard to embrace. A few have come at my posts with statements like, I have tried, I am going to try one more time then pretty much they imply write me off as unteachable or whatever. As if their telling me something once or twice should be enough to effect a change.

  
  

  I wish it were that simple, snap my fingers, and walla a new being. I know the Bible says we are a new creation in Christ, and when I was saved, I know that much was changed. The flesh though laggs behind the spirit sometimes. Even Paul said that he did what he didn’t want to do, and also did the things he wanted to do sometimes he didn’t.

  
  

  It can be very condemning to be told to do something that isn’t within one’s capacity at the time. I do not mean this as a feeble excuse for not taking action, but when damage is deep, sometimes it takes more than once or twice for something to sink in.

  
  

  I think that people forget that they too had struggles in certain areas of their lives, places where they had to work very hard to make changes, and some of us have multiple areas to resolve. I could see that, if someone did not move forward on their walk, that then condemnation may be in order. But if there is change, even slow change, than something good is happening.

  
  

  I have fear and doubts about God at times, but I also have a real belief that He is there and that we are working things out. I do not rage at God like I used to, but at the time when I was raging at God, it came after 40 years of not talking to God at all. God handled that anger and provided me with a Pastor who helped me sort out issues, and I have since apologized to God for the rage. The sense came back to me that God was glad for the rage because it meant that I broke my avoidance of talking with Him.

  
  

  Now I get hurt and upset, but the difference is, I do take these to Him and talk with Him (or at least at Him) about them. In fact I spend more time in prayer in one day than I ever did in the whole 40 years. I pray in the morning, at night, and often during the day we have moments of prayer. Yes, there is hurt, yes there is fear and distrust, but that does not mean that I am licking wounds and running.

  
  

  I also have periods of running away from God, this is one of those, but even in those periods I am attending church, Bible studies, and yet I withdraw.

  
  

  I am coflicted about my relationship with God, but it is conflicted about the RELATIONSHIP, that is a far cry from what went on before.

  
  

  Let me give you a bit of spiritual history:

  
  

  Never heard about God except by TV

  
  

  Prayed to God and got no answer that I could see. I prayed for help from multiple abuses including being raped and other incestuous acts.

  
  

  Gave up on God at age 8 when prayers not answered.

  
  

  Father almost died, and went back to Christian science and forced me to read the Bible, I would be hit or have something thrown at me if I paused too long at a comma, too short at a semicolon, would break out into a sweat just touching the book.

  
  

  Spent years trying to kill myself, planned to do so at age 18, after I had promised not to kill myself until I was 18 (when a previous attempt was foiled). Started counting hours, minutes, seconds until my 18th birthday, started squirrelling away pills.

  
  

  Met pagans who gave me something not one Christian in my life gave me, love and acceptance. I apologetically told them I decided to try life for awhile. They did not act disappointed, I almost expected them to moan when I decided to live.

  
  

  Became fully immersed into the occult, at one point witchcraft, santaria, macumba, etc. Was well versed and respected.

  
  

  Married and had kids.

  
  

  Pew sat for 10 years, arms crossed, after kids born and husband wanted to attend church.

  
  

  Then the good stuff: Got the idea to read the Bible cover to cover and did so. Focused on hardened hearts, figured I was hardened.

  
  

  Went to Bible study for one year – read Bible again and began to see some of God’s love. At that time I started meeting with pastor.

  
  

  Went over all sins (a period I called the sins of the week). It took two years before I dared to say sinner’s prayer. Not the pastor’s fault, but I was afraid and uncertain.
  

  
  

  I keep studying, and hoping to sort things out, but there is a lot of garbage.

  
  

  Perhaps some who say that things should be instantly cured, might want to realize that there is a lot to be cleaned off. Maybe they were able to instantly resolve issues, but the abuse I received cut deep.

  
  

  Imagine having your father at the age of 8 tell you he is doing what he is doing because you are too stupid and ugly to ever attract a husband, and the only way you would ever get a man is to be versed in sex. And then threaten to kill you if you breath a word of it. Imagine having to lay in the muck all night for fear of getting up and getting killed. Then imagine your big-mouthed, alcoholic mom stating to you ” I heard him in your room last night tell me what he did.” You have to tell but do not know if she will blab it to your father and you will get killed.

  
  

  Then imagine the shame of wanting to die, not killing yourself, then blaming yourself for the abuse because you did not stop  it by killing yourself.

  
  

  Then imagine your mom filling up two notebooks of several entries per page of what this man did. All the while being told that you are too ugly and he wished you were not born.

  
  

  Imagine being pulled from your bed of sound sleep, grabbed by the hair and slung across the room until you end up against a wall and he has your hair in his hands. Imagine wearing long sleeves in the summer to hide bruises. Imagine horrid stuff happening day after day. Then talk to me about trusting Father God.

  
  

  Yes, intellectually I do know that Father God is not like an earthly father, but Please understand that to process that, trust that, and believe that is not something that is going to happen overnight, no matter how many words of advice are written.

  
  

  Yes, I have anger, and Yes, I am coming to realizations that my anger is misplaced against God. But consider this, where should it go?

  
  

  For me the biggest step I just took was to forgive those who hurt me so. It is freeing and I see it as a step towards healing. Please know that I want that kind of relationship you are talking about, but to have so much to accept all at once is not possible, at least not now for me.

  
  

  For those who tried, who have given up on me, that is fine. I truly can understand the that frustration, and if you felt you are wasting your time, I am sorry. I am grateful for those who do try to understand.

  
  

  Heather

  • 6:24 pm
  • 12 Comments