January 1, 2005
-
Still Reading Ethics by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. Tough reading. In case some should wonder I am also doing a study in Revelation, so I spend more time in the Bible than I do in extra reading so it takes longer to process the books.
*************
Risking comments again, I was doing a lot of thinking about life today.
I realize that I really do not value my life. I know that God gave me life, and as a steward of that life I should live life to the fullest, do the most with my life, make my life count, serve God with my life. These are the shoulds.
With my life, I spent most of it not wanting to be alive or not wanted to be alive.
Before I was born, my father threw my mother down a flight of stairs because she was pregnant with me. She huddled in the cold until he passed out from the alcohol.
They, both my parents tried three times to kill me before I was 5. When they said obey me or I will kill you, I didn’t doubt their words for one second.
Where I found solace was in a fantasy world. I could go so far inside in this fantasy that I didn’t feel the beatings, or I felt them just enough to cry, but not to cry too much to get a worse beating.
At 8 when the worst stuff started happening, I hid a can of Draino in my room, a poison I could take if things got too bad. It was sort of a safety valve, knowing I had a way out. That is when my love affair with death started.
I do not know how many hours I spent wanting to die. As a teen, I began to squirrel away pills and things to make sure that I could die. At one point I would take whatever pill was given to me, regardless of what the effects might be, just wanting to deaden feeling.
I used to use pain to stop the hurt, you know digging fingernails into my palms to focus the pain elsewhere so that the hurt inflicted on other parts of my body did not hurt so much, that kind of thing.
I pulled back inside so deeply that nothing could touch me. Life was something to be observed, to watch from a distance, to imitate. I did not feel that I fully belonged to the earth. I was so different.
Oh, I knew I was different. The other kids did not face what I faced on a daily basis. They had no clue.
Once I realized how ruined I was by my father, I decided what did it matter what anyone did to my body, so I gave it away to whomever. I became an anybody – I did not matter. People wanted my body, and I figured that was all that they wanted, and maybe then they would like me.
At 17 I made a serious suicide attempt, got taken to the hospital and people began to realize that I was hurting. That was when I had to make that awful promise to stay alive until I was 18. I started to count hours, minutes, and seconds until my birthday.
When the pagans I met loved me, I reconsidered, and was very apologetic about changing my mind. I was sure they would be disappointed and that they would see me as a liar for wanting to live. But that was not the case.
No matter, I held all the pills in reserve just in case. Even to today, although I do not have my pill stash, I always know that there is a way out (but for the sake of my kids I do not take it).
I live so far removed from life. I am present for my kids and husband, but if left alone, I pull back inside and hide.
I know that we cannot hide from God, that God is there (at least that is what the Bible says), but if I could, I would also hide from God.
I wish I wanted life more. I like serving God, I like helping others, but sometimes I am sorry that God did not answer one of my three prayers when I was 8, the prayer that God would kill me since he wasn’t going to stop my father or kill my father.
There is beauty in life and creation, and I feel very ungrateful. Probably God is not pleased that I do not value this life as I should. I know one day I was walking and admiring creation, complementing God about the beauty. I was realizing how well all worked together, how each piece of creation fit into place. And the thought came to me that I too was part of the puzzle of creation and had my place. Oh that I could embrace life more fully.
I know that I count my blessings. Now things are much better, and I know that there are those who are hurting worse than me. I am trying so hard to let go of the things of the past and move forward. Sometimes I succeed for a short while, but then a memory creeps up. A cough, the other day a coo-coo clock rang two, and that was the time my father would usually come into my room at night. The sound of that clock triggered memories. It can be innoculous to others, but sometimes walking through life is like walking through landmines.
One benefit from what I have experienced is that as I work with kids, or go into the school to help out in one of my kid’s classes, children sense that I am safe to talk with, and I am sometimes able to speak a good word to them.
I am sorry that this stuff is still conflicting me. Sometimes I wish I had amnesia and could forget all that went before, but I know that if that happened, I would probably seek to retrieve the memories.
I pray to God to help me sort through these things, defuse them, but God is still not too helpful in this. Sometimes I just don’t get it.
One other thing I am grateful for is that my three children know they are loved, enjoy life, and seem happy. Their father is awesome with them, and I have at least been able to break the pattern and not pass it down to my kids.
Sorry for not being more upbeat.
Thanks for reading.
Heather
Comments (5)
“Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1
This is something that John Piper wrote about this verse:
“What Paul is saying is that all of God’s condemning wrath and all of his omnipotent opposition to us in our sin has been replaced by almighty mercy and omnipotent assistance. In other words, if you are in Christ Jesus all of God’s action toward you is almighty mercy and omnipotent assistance. It is not mixed. It is not as though some days he is against you with wrath – and those days are bad days – while other days he is for you with love – and those days are good days. That is emphatically not the case and not the way to think about it. It may seem that way. But that is precisely why we need the truth of God’s revelation in his word. Most of the time in this world of pleasure and pain things are not what they seem. To understand what things are really like and what is really happening we need to put on the lens of God’s word.
So I say it again: what God wants us to understand from Romans 8:1 when he says through the apostle Paul, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,” is that all of God’s condemning wrath and all of his omnipotent opposition against us in our sin has been entirely replaced by almighty mercy and omnipotent assistance. In Christ Jesus God is always for you. Always! This is where Paul is going in Romans 8. He gets there in verse 31 and says, “What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us!” His point is that in Christ Jesus “no condemnation” means that God is always omnipotently for us and not against us. Always!
Now this is breathtaking. If we could believe it, practically, morning till night deep in our souls – if this truth that God is only for us and not against us, and that he is for us with almighty mercy and omnipotent assistance all day and all night, waking and sleeping, Oh how differently we would live and sleep! What freedom! What a joy! What a peace! What a risk-taking boldness! What a fearlessness! What a sacrificial life-style of love and service and mercy! What a patience! What a serenity . . . we would have.”
I read the comments on that site that made you feel condemned and all I have to say is that God is happy with your progress because He is not in the business of condemning. And that is the Bible talking. You can stand on that with both feet, it is the truth. “Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” If we have to earn our way into God’s favor than we believe in works and not grace. I am actually shocked that that xanga person would say that you would not last in Pauls church. No where do I see Paul saying that we have to be a certain way to be a part of the church. Jesus loved the woman at the well, despite her background and he welcomed her to Him without her being perfect first.
You are working with your pastor and I admire the strength and honesty it takes to do that. I admire the fact that you have broken the chain of abuse you grew up with. I admire the fact that you are trying so hard to heal. You have a wounded past that is filled with unbelievable abuse. Those wounds go deep and take a life time to heal. Please don’t let guilt add to your worries or someone elses timetable hem you in. You are in the word, working with your pastor and loving your family. This Xanga person may have felt a need to condemn you, but I would very much disagree that that is his place and even that he had anything helpful to say to you. He was cruel and very very narrow in his comment to you. The Xanga community here is a place where we can interact wtih those who we would not normally run into. It is not a bad place where we are all enabling each other. God is smiling so big at how much healing is going on here, and how much compassion and understanding is taking place, and at how much of His love and Grace are being shared here day in and day out. God can use anything to His Glory and I am excited to be a part of the lives of the people here on Xanga.
Thanks for your comments. I am trying so hard to believe that mercy you are talking about. Even God’s love is tough to handle. I grew up feeling that I was born unlovable, so why would God want to love me? I know that He does, and that the Bible says that he loves us all. But how does one handle love. I am learning more about God’s love by watching the love I have for my kids. My pastor says that God’s love is even more than that. Wrong thinking is that somehow I am an accident in God’s kingdom. But sometimes I wonder if God really wanted to deal with me.
I know that is prideful and wrong thinking, but love scares. Imagine being deprived of all sensation for years, and then being thrust into normal life. There would be sensory overload. That is kind of what I feel about God’s love. I am having to learn to get used to it.
Thanks for checking on things for me. I was afraid that I had said something wrong or in error. I really try hard not to hurt others in what I write and post.
Heather
Don’t forget Heather….hon baby steps…..just keep takin one day at a time…..so much has happened to you…..so much deep inside wanting out wanting healed….it’s comming….i know maybe not as fast as you wish…keep searching keep staying so open and honest with your feelings and your heart……{{HUGS}}}
Not that it matters enough to make a difference but I want you to live. Certainly, your kids want and need you to. Seems as though most of your respondents agree. I would be willing to bet the vast majority of those who made the effort to get to know you would, too. How about the congregation of your church? If they are living the faith they should.
I am so glad Mrs. Tiggy Winkle posted Romans 8:1. Excellent choice. Much better than anything I gave you.
You have learned a lot of coping mechanisms, a lot like bad habits, especially when misapplied. Very reasonable and necessary under the circumstances. You need to relearn different responses in light of your changing circumstances. It does take time and a lot of it. As the saying goes, you didn’t learn them all overnight.
Maybe you could pick (a littler?) one aspect, conquer it. Doesn’t matter how long it takes. Bask in the success and positive reinforcement it provides. Use the motivation to tackle another one. Maybe you are already, or your pastor is preparing you to.
You certainly can start a “U” file, as I call it. Ever get a thank you or acknowledgement for something you did? Or a nice card that has a special meaning? Your kids bring things back from school that go up on the ‘frig? I certainly hope so. Throw them into a file that you can review whenever you feel down, daily if need be. If not, concentrate on doing something nice for someone around you and you will eventually. You need to.
I hope to hear soon that something of the help you are getting is becoming effective for you. Keep posting. Don’t be too concerned about offending someone. if you are not trying to offend them, then it is their problem if they take offense. You are not responsible for the over-sensitivity of others.
May God lead you to experience some sense of joy and prosperity this coming year.
Thanks for your kind thoughts and ideas. I guess you are right that it is baby steps. And sometimes what seems like a big step for me is nothing more than a grain of sand for some.
Teelow, thanks for your encouagement. I do make steps, but it is sometimes two forward and then some back. The progress is slow. I do plan to stay alive for my kids, but have no love for life. I guess that is offensive to God too, as He made this life for me. I know that things seem conflicted now, but a few years ago you probably would have thought of me as a hopeless case, one not worth bothering with. I have come a long way, but there are a zillion miles to go.
I appreciate the care and concern that is coming my way.
Heather