May 21, 2005

• Not able to sleep right now, so I thought I would share a bit of what is on my mind tonight.

  
  

  Most who read this know of my past. If you don’t, there are entries about my past on March 15, 19, 29, 31 and April 2, 7 and 16 of this year.

  
  

  I was talking with Pastor Don today, and the topic came up about my past and how it sometimes interferes with my sexual relations with my husband. There are a lot of far reaching aspects of this.

  
  

  Tonight you could almost imagine that there was an angel on one shoulder and satan on the other, and a grand debate. This is what I wanted to share a bit about tonight.

  
  

  I am such a firm believer of abstinence before marriage, and I pray that my kids will keep that in their lives. I did not do so and I think that there are consequences for not honoring abstinence that you don’t think about in a moment of the flesh. And these consequences, unless healed by Christ, will continue forever.

  
  

  When a person abstains from sex before marriage, they hold themselves pure for their mate. When two people are pure and are joined in marriage, their relationship is an awesome adventure of discovery and joy. They have no preconceived notions, no memories, and what they build together is an awesome relationship, closeness, and bonding, where two become one. 

  
  

  Without abstinence the person may start comparing one relationship to another, and things are brought in between the two couples.

  
  

  In my case, what happened to me was forced on me by my father initially. When he sexually assaulted me, ultimately raping me, he took from me an innocence that feels irreplaceable. I felt violated. I didn’t use those words back then, I just felt gruddy, dirty, and couldn’t somehow get myself clean. In that situation, after he left the room around two or so in the morning, I had to lay in all the crud, not getting up to wash for fear of angering him and risking my life (literally). It was only after he went to work in the morning that I could get up and clean myself, and then my mom would start her questioning. This would inevitably lead to the lectures of why didn’t I push his hand away, etc. Something I couldn’t do because if I had resisted him I would have been dead. I had no illusions about that.

  
  

  Well when I became a young adult, I figured I was already ruined, so anything any man wanted of me I just gave him to get it out of the way. And then after my first failed marriage, I started seeking help, and did not form a bonding relationship, but still had a hard time saying no if a man was insistent.

  
  

  What I came away with from my past was a sense that somehow I was substandard. That something must have been wrong with me because of what my father was doing to me. That somehow if I were better, nicer, kinder, smarter, or whatever then my father would not have assaulted me. I felt violated, dirty and shame. And because of those feelings, I did actions that only served as self-validation of the fact that I was dirty and shameful. I made things worse by my reaction to what happened. I wish I had chosen alternative actions, but I didn’t and it is something I have to live with forever.

  
  

  A love and a trust was lost by those senseless actions of my parents. Something that I keep seeking for, and sought in so many ways that were self-destructive. I think I am still seeking that kind of love and acceptance.

  
  

  Well there is a part of me that feels that I am completely ruined, and that no way can there ever be a “normal” me. No way can the damage be repaired. (Now Pastor Don would tell me that was the voice of satan, that satan wants me to feel that way so I will be ineffective in God’s kingdom). But a part of me really does feel that the loss of innocence, the violation, and the rape has torn me to shreds. That I never had a chance to form a normal relationship, that somehow it will always color my relationship with my husband, that I am ruined forever.

  
  

  Then there is the spiritual part of me that knows the scripture, that realizes that God can do anything He wishes, that nothing is impossible for God. I know that Jesus restored so many people, forgave their sins, made them whole, and that he was compassionate with those who suffered. That he forgave the woman caught in adultery, the woman at the well, etc. That I am limiting God when I feel that He cannot somehow heal and make the past wiped out. I know that the Word says I am a new Creation in Christ.

  
  

  Well I struggle and erroneous thoughts come in, if God could have really healed me, then why didn’t he stop the hurt in the past so that I did not have to deal with these issues. I have to tell you that there is resentment that I have to sort through these things, that somehow people tell me that God will use it for good, that there will be blessings connected with the past, that God will turn the ashes to something of beauty. Well, I kind of wish that I had one of those fairytale childhoods, with two parents who loved me, feeling safe and protected, giving my life to God at an early age, walking in the Lord, etc. But NOOOOO, somehow God decided to permit satan to ruin my life from an early age, and I can’t help but struggle and ask why.

  
  

  All the arguments that protect God can sometimes be very frustrating. You know the ones that God cried when they hurt me, that God did not plan for this for me, that satan was the one who did this, etc. And in my periodic bouts of anger at God, I often wonder if God was so all-powerful, why did He hate me so to permit what went on.

  
  

  Then the better part of me comes in and realizes that I am angry at the wrong person, that it isn’t God that I should be angry at, but satan, and what satan did and is doing, and that I should be fighting this, using all the spiritual weapons that God gave me.

  
  

  Do you ever get tired of fighting though? I sure do. And it angers me that at times a particular way of being touched by my husband will evoke memories, that dieting will cause feelings and memories to surface. That never once in my whole life did I feel safe. And that, because of the two people who I had as parents, I chose wrong. And then of course I am mad at myself for choosing wrong, because there have been others in similar situations that did not make the wrong choices I made.

  
  

  Oh, bother. I hope one day this stuff gets sorted out. Sorry for venting, but it is a struggle, and just once I wish I had one of those ideal lifestyles that did not have that sort of struggle. But then I also realize that everyone has struggles, and that I am not alone in this.

  
  

  I am praying that tomorrow is a better day. Please keep me in prayer as I sort through this stuff.

  
  

  Heather 

  
  

   

  • 1:55 am
  • 29 Comments