May 12, 2005
-
Sorry for not writing more frequently. Right now the computer is in high demand with school projects and the kids have finally acquired IM, so there goes the evening many a night. Not to mention Jim has to actually do WORK on the computer.
Well I weighed in the other day and lost four pounds. So far I have been able to stick to the Weight Watcher’s program pretty good. Hoping for another week sticking with it.
Well, there are still food issues that are coming up. I am wondering if you have ever had to fight totally claiming your body. As a kid, to ward off the hurt I learned to pull back so far inside, go somewhere inside my head and detach completely from my body. It made the hurt hurt less, and I began to almost observe my body as if I were another person watching it.
Add to that the self-loathing that I acquired for various reasons. For example, if my father is doing what he did to me, what is wrong with me that he did that, was I so awful that he would do those awful things to me? Or looking at other kids and trying to imitate them, but falling short because I did not have their foundation of love at home. And I spent a lot of time trying to blend in with the crowd, because standing out would make teachers comment about me, and then I would get beaten at home, so I learned to imitate normal. But I wasn’t normal, didn’t act normal, and it caused a greater dissonace with my body.
Then my sister (when I was in her custody) also punished me because I acted abnormally. But truthfully, I didn’t know what normal was. So it was all external.
Then when I ended up in that pagan lifestyle, part of it was the free love generation type of thing, so I saw my body as something you gave to people because they expected it, give it and get it over with. But again I would pull back so far inside that I was lost to what was going on.
So, when eating issues come up, my first thought is to stuff the feelings by eating and push them down and away. But I know that is not what God wants for me right now. He wants me to link the feelings with the memories, and that is terrifying. But it is also healing. And I know that at some point I have to get the anger issue out of the way. Right now I think most of my anger is focused at God, whom I still perceive as having abandoned me to what went on. But I know that is unjust.
That doesn’t take away the hurt though, the hurt that God did not care enough for me to stop what went on. Did not give me a happy family. There are times when I really wonder if God cared. I know people say the footprints poem to me (doesn’t cut it, it is sort of like fingernails squeeking on a blackboard to me, I kind of grit my teeth and hear it), or they say God cried when I cried, or God plans to use me for helping others and this experience is part of the preparation, or they say it is satan and God was there for me.
I think that so many of my doubts and fears about God stem around the million dollar question, where was God back then and why did He not intervene. I also know people will point to Job and God’s response to Him. I have questions about that too, but that is another story.
God and I keep debating this issue, and I suppose it will be relegated to a pat answer like, where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth… just like He answered Job. Right now that feels sort of unsatisfactory.
Sorry for ranting, but this has been an emotional time for me. Depression, wanting to run, wanting to sabatage. And I am fighting back. I am reading the Word, not running and trying to bring myself to remember who I am in Christ. Not always easy, and the battle keeps raging. Sometimes I am just tired of the struggle.
I do have Pastor Don’s Tuesday Bible study on this computer to listen to, and tomorrow is Friday. So that means another Bible study. I will try to put them up more promptly.
Have a great night, and if you don’t mind, please keep me in your prayers.
Heather
Comments (20)
heather,
i am always so blessed to read your entries. thank you.
i will pray for you.
-joy
I REALLY LIKED YOUR COMMENT….SIMPLE & TRUE….GOD BLESS U …..greg <><
I’m praying. Keep asking the questions. He will answer, He promised you, He never fails! Stand and fight.
Thanks for the questions. I didn’t have time to answer yours, so I will here.
Have you ever seen The Scent of a Woman? I was watching it with my family about two years ago, and suddently my brother said “Imagine if Charlie walked into the room and the Colonel only had one leg? Charlie would say “Colonel, what happened?!” and the Colonel says [and my brother said this in a perfectly suave, Al Pacino voice] “I had a snack, Charlie.” “ HA HA HA!!! I just burst out laughing right then and there. It probably doesn’t make any sense to anyone who’s not in my family, ha ha. One of those had-to-be-there moments. I laugh every time I think about it.
Or the time my friend Chichi (who’s Nigerian) screamed something about “African Americans” but we all thought she said “a frickin’ American”. So now my black friends back at college call themselves “a frickin’ Americans”.
I’m still praying for you. <><
Sorry to hear about the struggles you’re going through. I’m not sure what to say except that I’m praying for you. Maybe the question shouldn’t be, God why did you allow me to go through that, but, God, Why did you love me so much that you died and suffered for my sins? But as you said, nothing seems to be helping right now, so I’ll just pray.
Keep fighting the good fight. Keep running the race. You will make it to the finish line, and I’ll be there to cheer you on.
I have become so consumed with my own problems I fail to see the problems of others. and I want you to know I am praying for you.. God has given me a new attitude and I am doing lots better thanks so much for the prayers. Now it’s my turn…! I am praying for you .
< hugs >
((((Hugs))))
Heather, I am definately praying for you. I know how difficult it is to deal with the past, and to take it out on your body. I was anorexic and I still battle with it when times get difficult. I know sometimes it is hard to see how much God loves you (believe me, I know), but He does and you are precious in His sight. I hope you have a blessed day today and let me know how you’re doing, okay?
Heather! You made my day! Thinnk my case manager would appreciate an email?
LOL
Praying for you today Heather!
That’s a great point!
Grace & Peace,
Robb <><
(((HUGS)))
Hugs! I hated pat answers when I was dealing with my past, The anger against God is real. The feeling of abandonment, rejection, and not caring. Those are not the truth. Nor is it true that God is having you go through all this to later bless someone else. Even though God may use it someday, I don’t believe that is why He has allowed all this to go on.
I pray God will give you the answers that you seek. That He will heal your past and your heart. That you will walk in the place of Victory. I pray that you will continue the journey healing and wholeness. Know I care. lala
Congrats on the weight loss, I will weigh in either today or Monday. Emotional weights, bodily weight…I am praying for you today. love you
I just have to respond, because you sound so discouraged… I will pray for you… but first I have some good news. God’s timing is perfect. I can’t explain why you’ve gone through what you have, but I know that it was a result of sin, not something God did to you because He is Righteousness and He is Light and in Him there is no darkness at all. He did intervene, or you would still not know Him today. And praise God!… He rescued you before your children were subjected to the same kind of lifestyle you had before you received Christ. The Holy Spirit must open your eyes and your heart for you to see and know and receive Jesus… so thank Him for allowing you to see the Truth and not be forever blinded and bound to the sins of the flesh that controlled you before Christ became your Savior. God knew when your heart and mind would be ready, when you had had enough of yourself, when you had exhausted all other avenues of spiritual exploration and He made Himself known to you at the perfect time. His time.
More good news… in Christ you are free! Free from the control of the sin nature that once held you captive, free in Christ to become conformed into His image, free from the penalty you and I deserve, free to understand the Word of God through the Wisdom of God, free to come before the throne of God, free from your past, free from the hurt… yes, free from the memories that haunt you. In Christ, they have no power over you… look at the Apostle Paul… he despised the members of The Way, he thought Jesus’ death was justified and his resurrection was a hoax, he murdered Christians … yet because of the life-changing experience he had with Christ, he was the man God used to bring the Gospel to us, the unchosen Gentiles… now children of God. God used a man with a tainted past and horrible memories. You are a child of God, so live in that freedom, rejoice in that freedom-declare to yourself and the rest of the world that ”I am free in Christ, a bondservant to Him who gave Himself for me. I rebuke any thing not of God that seeks to control my mind, my heart, my time, my life. I ask you Lord, to bring every thought I have into submission to your will. I am a new creature in Christ. Old things are passed away and now look, all things have become fresh and new in Him who gave me this new life. Glory be to God!”
One more bit of good news … you have peace and joy available to you … read through the Psalms. David had a crazy king chasing him for years trying to kill him. He struggled with the fairness of his situation and asked, “Why do the wicked prosper?” Yet he also said, “Joy comes in the morning.” I believe what he meant was there is a fresh portion of joy available for each new day. David found his peace in the knowledge that God was in complete control. In fact so much so that even when King Saul was vunerable, once asleep and once taking a potty break in David’s cave (home sweet home!) David refused to raise his hand against Saul because he was still God’s appointed king. Until God’s time was fulfilled and his will accomplished David would not ‘help or hurry’ God to fulfill his promise to make David the next king. He was at peace with God’s plan. You also have alot to praise God for even during the awful years of your youth… you won’t know till heaven how many times God protected you from death and disease. But if you are angry, be angry at the right people-those who violated you, abused you, and misguided you… then forgive them and break the chains of bitterness that bind you to them. They are stealing your joy and you need to get it back, so let go and let God heal the hurt they inflicted. I had to forgive myself of my stupid rebellious years, and I learned that when I was angry God wanted to show me how to heal. And He is the One who has healed me through prayer and submissive surrender. When a thought or memory steals my joy I immediately lift it up to God as an offering. Sometimes He cleans them up and returns them to me with all the muck removed and sometimes He says, “I’ll just keep that, it’s not good for you right now.” God is my Joy-Giver! Jesus my precious Prince of Peace!
Have a Blessed Day!
http://www.colorgreenministries.org
Congratulations on your weigh-in, pay off :0)
I don’t understand God’s ways either! All I know is that putting one foot in front of the other and being willing to follow His lead has taken me to a place of Freedom and Joy and Purpose ! I think there is a manmade lake somewhere with all the tears I shed in the process that should be named after me..LOL…Somehow I just knew that my obedience would be rewarded….and that God always took me to a better place. I love kalaedascopes because with the slightest turn of the dial, you get a whole new picture. I am praying that you will get that new perspective by somehow focusing more on your future Freedoms and Joys than the hurts of your past. ((Hugs))
HEED THE WORDS WRITTEN BY MOMC2U . . . VERY GOOD! GREATER IS HE WHO IS IN YOU than he that is in the world.
When I struggle, I tend to try to figure out what good could come from it and I make up stories in my head about how my suffering is preparing me for other trials I will have down the road or about how someone elses life might be affected by the part I played. I went to a funeral once where a mans son sttod up in the middle of the eulogy and begand sobbing hysterically and he began to tell a story about his life and how he had treated his dying father badly…REALLY badly but when his father finally let go and died something within him changed and suddenly he felt a longing for God that he didnt believe he would have felt had he not treated his father so badly…its kind of a hard story to repeat without losing the significant details but I learned something that day at that funeral and the double lesson was that through that mans suffering I too learned a lesson about God that I may have never otherwise known. All this to say that sometimes we just dont get to know how our suffering is affecting things and people who surropund us…but it does. Thats likely not helpful to you in the midst of your own suffering but for whatever its worth Ive been praying for you and I want to re-encourage you to rise above your past and revel in the blessings that surround you rather than the trials.