Friday Bible study,

We were blessed today to have a guest speaker, Darrell Copes – he spent 14 1/2 years studying under Kenneth Hagin, and gave a Bible Study that blessed our group.

How to Bless Your Land

God is raising up his church to shine, to bring glory. In these times it is possible that tribulation, trouble, and trials may come.

When Rev. Hagin was a Baptist minister, his pastor told him to go easier on the faith aspect, but Kenneth Hagin told him that God wanted him to double up on faith.

Numbers 33: 50-53

God gave the Land to the Israelites to possess. He took the land away from those who were in the land that were worshipping images and idols because they did not serve God. So he removed them and gave the land to a people who would serve God. So we can say, Look what the Lord has done.

The bigger the test, the bigger the testimony.

In Isaiah it says the the commands of the Lord stand sure, and he will do all that is His pleasure. Everything He says He will do, He will accomplish.

Deut. 34:9 Joshua was to take over the leadership of the people when Moses died.

Joshua 1 – All of God’s people are supposed to be blessed. God did not reserve the blessings for just the priests and leaders, but for all the Israelites. (and we are in essence spiritual Israelites as we are the sons and daughters of God).

We all have a land to possess. God is no respector of persons. Some people say that something is too good to be true. With humans it is sometimes too good to be true, but with God it is too good, and it is true.

Joshua 1:4 God gave them everything. He is a big God. We sell ourselves short as Christians. You have not because you ask not, and you have to ask bigger.

Joshua 1:5 – God will not fail or forsake us.

It doesn’t make sense to get upset when someone persecutes us. He will not fail or forsake us. Sooner or later the persecuter will have to bow down to Jesus. We have to focus on the right Man, and that is God. His name is Jesus.

Joshua 1:6 some good things are in the land. God wants this for us. God wants our mouths to drip from the abundance of the fruit of the land. You have to be strong and courageous. The weak can not possess.

Joshua 1:7-8 You must obey the law. To possess means to seize, obtain, occupy, to have as a property.

Ps. 23 – we should not want for any good thing.

Deut. 1:21 The common thread in this scripture is that you have to go and possess it. The Lord gives us the ingredients, but we have to take action and possess it. (He gave the example of our luncheon table with the pot-luck dishes, we can look at it, we can say we are hungry, we can smell it, but our hunger will not be satiated until we go and take the food – we need to do the action. Watching another person eat the food will not help either).

In these Bible verses there are verbs, or action words, look, go up, spoken.

Deaut 1:39 promise to your children’s children. Does not matter what you say, it matters what God says. The goal is to try and possess everything that God intends you to possess. You do not want to stand before the throne of God, strike your forehead, and say, I didn’t know I could have that.

Deut. 4:1 obedience, listen, go and possess (we were looking at key words in this and the next few verses).

Deut. 8:1-3 man lives by every Word out of the mouth of God. If God said it, He is big enough to do it.

Deut. 9:1 TODAY (in God’s timing). Possess, God’s vision is so big He had to put the Holy Ghost inside of you to help you see and grab hold of what He has for you. His ways are not our ways. We are to possess the land, and get into agreement with what God says. The time factor depends on how quickly we respond and obey God.

Deut. 10:11 Arise, go in, possess, faith in action. the best way to grow in faith is to begin and do, not talk about it, debate about it, just do it.

Deut. 11:8 Obey every commandment of God. It is far easier to obey God than to disobey him. God’s yoke is easy, his burden light, if we disobey we meet with difficulty, for we have to deal with the seeds of our disobedience. It zaps your strength and confidence when you disobey. If we obey we have the assurance that God will back us up.

Gods Intention:

He had a place for Israel to possess. He has a place for His people, physically, socially, mentally. Every area of our lives, God has a place for us.

Ephesians 1:3 He has blessed us with every spiritual blessing.

Joshua 18: 1-3 out of the 12 tribes of Israel, only 5 took possession of their land. 7 Tribes had not taken possession. God had the land for them, but they did not take the actions to claim it and Joshua was telling them that they needed to take the action.

The How to:

They did not possess because of their lack of faith, they did not mix their faith with what they heard. Faith without works is dead faith.

Johsua 18:4 – RISE and  GO. They needed to take an action. They were sitting on their seats doing nothing. Joshua could not go in and possess the land for them, we have to go and do something.

Everything God promised in the Word concerning our lives and well being is our land. God has provided for our wealth. We have to recondition our mind, Being in Christ gives us supernatural benefits, special favor that the world does not have. But you have to act. It is much easier for us Christians than for those in the world, for we have the presence of Him to help us.

We need to be doers of the Word.

The best way to follow the Holy Ghost is when He puts something in your heart, do it, and don’t think about it.

If you wait until you need faith, you are way to late, but fortunately God is the God of catch up.

Double up on sowing, double up on receiving, double up on believeing.

You have to keep saying the scriptural promises outloud. They work best when you hear your own voice speak them, it is good to hear others speak, but you will do better to also speak them often and out loud to yourself. Here are a few to keep reminding yourself.

You are the favorite of God, He likes you.

John 3:16 For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him will not perish, but will have everlasting life.

1 Peter 2:9, we are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood.

We have to celebrate who we are in Christ.

Often we are timid in claiming who we are in Christ, but if we keep saying out loud, reminding ourselves, it will register, and we will begin to boldly proclaim it.

When Christ chose us, he bestowed on us kindness, favor, love.

Faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God. The more you hear yourself say these things, you will shout it from the mountaintop.

It is very important for your ears to hear your mouth speak these words.

Philemon = acknowledging every good thing in Christ Jesus.

Luke 1:30 You are highly favored of God (that word highly favored that was spoken over Mary is the same word as chosen in 1 Peter 2:9)

You have to do it God’s way. Isaiah 1:19, Joshua 1:8, Deut 15:5, Deut. 28:45

Remember that God is on our side, Joshua 1:5, Heb. 13:5, Romans 8:31

If God is for you, it doesn’t matter who is opposed to you, for God will win.

You have got to act on what you know. Faith without works is dead.

2 Kings 7:4 Fear hinders us in life. to possess the land you have to go. The words what if, we have to get out of our vocabulary. What if it will fail (what if it succeeds). We limit ourselves through fear.

When the opportunity comes your way, you must seize it. You cannot assume that it will always be there.

 

This word that was taught today is a lot of things that I realize that I have to get doing. I need to be speaking more scripture, I need to trust more in God’s love (I know that God does not lie and His word does not lie, but my fear tends to keep me from fully believing God’s love). We are sorting out our finances, and there are many things that I keep holding back on dealing with.  How easily I tend to limit God, and I do not ask big of God, I just exist. I have much to work on.

I hope that you are blessed by this, and if Daryl Copes ever comes to your area, he is an awesome, dynamic teacher with a love for God that radiates.

Have a great weekend. For once it is not raining and there is a shiny object in the sky (I think it is called the sun).

Heather

 More History – continued from March 15, 19, 29, 31 and April 2. Perhaps one day I will figure out how to put it all together into one fell swoop.

Again, I apologize for this portion of my history. If I could have changed my behavior back then, I would. Hopefully this will show others that if God can redeem me, he most certainly can redeem anyone else.

So, after our wedding, some of the problems that never came out from my past started emerging. I was very messed up. I still continued therapy, and in therapy I started seeing a bit of what I was doing to myself. One of my therapists fought to keep me in for a second cycle. Because of my “hippie” lifestyle I was still seeing therapists in clinics, which meant the six months, then a new therapist. I think that this bit of stability in therapists helped somewhat.

Well the ground rules of our marriage were somewhat different from ordinary marriages, and we wrote our own ceremony. We did not commit for life, we had an open marriage (which allowed us to sleep around) and at one point we even experimented with a group marriage. The open marriage was a godsend to me at the time because the visceral memories of what my father did to me were emerging and I could not stand to be touched sexually for a period of time. It was relieving to throw my husband to the arms of someone else and take the pressure off of me.

If I were smart, I would not have married for the reasons I did (see April 2). I would have waited and continued therapy. But then I would have had to stay in that house and the house was closing in on me, the memories of what happened were too difficult and my mom was disintegrating in front of me with her drinking. I don’t know what would have been the best course of action. I took one year of college, then dropped out, and it wouldn’t be until many years later that I returned to college and got a degree.

I also threw myself into the pagan religion big time. I researched many of the religions, composed my own theories of life, and eventually decided to worship mother earth. Well a mother god didn’t do much for me any more than a father god did.  Trust did not come easily for me, and I constantly held myself in reserve. (I am better now as a Christian, but I still have a lot of reserve when it comes to God. I love God, but at a distance, still afraid that He really wouldn’t want me in His kingdom).

I was being intellectually stimulated because the group of people I hung out with were well read, loved to talk and debate, and were very passionate. Often we would have guests come through, people like Stephen Gaskins’ Farm, or various witches, occultists, etc. who would come, lecture, share. The lifestyle was one of hedonism, and I participated, but the difference was that I did not do it with abandon, it was rather more calculated.

Because of my past, I longed to fit in, and I molded myself to fit in whereever or whatever was going on. I was still taking some drugs, but that did not last for many more years. Some of it, in retrospect was funny (but I also know that it was destructive), and I still harbored that death wish. I really had no concept of self. One of my favorite movies at the time was Billy Jack, an incredible movie that I still watch with nostalgia, but one character in the movie told a girl that she believed she was an anybody, and would do anything for anybody. He wanted her to realize that she was somebody, and he would not have sex with her because he valued her. I was still of the mindset that guys wanted sex, so give it to them and get it over with. My father had done a number on my head making me believe that no one could love me, that sex was the only way a person would like me.

After about two and a half years of marriage, a witchcraft coven from Chicago came through our group, and I was so impressed with their knowledge. I wanted to learn more, so I picked up and moved. I told my husband that our marriage was not working out. It really wasn’t. I was a wreck of a person, he was immature, and I was immature. We married too young, so we decided to separate. I moved to the new city, he later moved to the same city. And we both studied in this coven for years. Ultimately divorcing. Before I married my husband of today, my former husband had died of his lifestyle. And I never had a relationship with a man for about 12 or 13 years.

If anyone has had the kind of past that I had, or is hurting real bad, I think the temptation is to seek relief in a relationship that promises love. I was starved for love, needed to feel special, and at the time, I married for all the wrong reasons. Our relationship did not have any basis. When you are hurting, you do not always want to take advice, but my advice to anyone who is hurting is to wait before finalizing a relationship. A good relationship worth its salt will stand the test of time. And at the time I married, I was not a Christian, but if you are a Christian, please make sure your spouse is one who is Christian also. Please make sure all the important issues are dealt with too, finances, beliefs, thoughts about children. Many churches offer counseling before a couple gets married, it is not a waste of time. It is probably the most important step you can take. And know that your first few years of marriage will be rocky once the honeymoon is over. A relationship is a committment. And it is ongoing, with ups and downs.

At one point, Pastor Don talked about the woman at the well, and how she had many lovers, and Jesus commended her honesty. I started learning the biblical truths about marriage. How two are made one, and should not be separated. That the only real reason for a divorce is adultery, and how Jesus did not like the Jewish doctrine of being able to leave a spouse for trivial matters. It was explained that it is important to stay pure until marriage, because if you open yourself up sexually, then you carry those people with you forever. That you will be bringing them to your marriage bed, because you will be comparing, contrasting, or perhaps thinking about them. I was devestated with those thoughts. By that time I had been married to Jim for 16 years, and I thought about all the sinning I had done this way in my past (before I was a Christian). Pastor Don assured me that Jesus has covered all those sins, and that those were in the past. In fact, God was so merciful that he preserved me from a lot of what could have happened when I was sowing those seeds of sin, and that I was a new creation in Christ. Obviously now there is only Jim, and has been only Jim since we met and married, but sometimes I wish that I did not have all the past there as well. If you are in a relationship, please wait, trust me in this, you will have greater joy if you hold yourself for the right person.

I threw myself into the coven that I was studying with. It was a very large coven, and at some of the major festivals and feasts there could be 150 in attendance. It was a mix of magic and witchcraft, and there were classes, assignments, books to read, and things to learn. Because it was a teaching coven, it was sort of like a seminary of the occult. I did very well, took on many tasks, and many of the gifts that God gives us, are also imitated in the occult, and there are gifts that were pretty well developed in me. I studied comparative mythology, and after a few years was actually an associate priestess of the coven, and for a time was the high priestess. The person in charge of the coven was a charismatic high priest, and he appointed people, but like any cult, he did not want his power threatened, so after awhile, he would appoint a new high priestess. I learned much of the occult, and it served me well in the occult circles I would later enter.

My husband and I officially divorced, and he took up with other people. I tended to room with roomates. Some of whom were very enlightening. One was a professional model who helped me to realize that even those who get paid for their looks have bad hair days. At that time, I had moved to study a quasi Christian/occult group, that is now no longer in existence. They used the caballa, tarot, and Christ all at the same time. I studied Hawaiian Huna, and so many other religions. Someone came through our coven calling himself a witch doctor, and he hooked me up with some groups out in California. I moved there and studied more.

During this period of marriage, the hurts were less in my current life, but I was still tormented by the past. There were plenty of good times too, and one fun aspect was associating with the Society of Creative Anacronism, studying Medieval life. I ended up finding jobs and supporting myself, and became more independent. But my focus was as intense to learn the occult as it is today to know Christ.

What keeps surprising me is how close the occult principles are to Christian principles. satan is a liar and a cheat, he will take things that sound so good and pure, make you believe that you are acting in a Christian manner, but change a small aspect which throws you off course. It doesn’t take much, just one lie here and there until you are so off base you don’t realize it.

One friend of mine pointed out it is sort of like having a glass of milk that is pure, and you put in one drop of chocolate syrup. The syrup is not noticed in the milk which still looks like milk, tastes like milk, but if it was analyzed it is no longer pure milk because of the one drop of chocolate syrup.

It doesn’t take much straying from the truth to be in error.

I stayed in California for years, and again hung out with covens, two in particular. And ultimately this witchdoctor who came into my former coven wrote to me and wanted me to come to New York to study with a teacher there. I will continue the story of New York. next, but it is late and I have to get up early to get my kids off to school.

I keep thanking God that he delivered me from all the mistakes I made in my past. When I think of how, after turning my back on Him when I was 8, and staying away for so many years, he was still faithful and pursued me, I want to cry tears of joy. I just wish I had sought Him earlier, I feel like I wasted these years in the wilderness. But Pastor Don points out to me that I am now an enemy of satan, and that God will turn these wasted years into something good. I sure hope so. My life is so different now that Christ is in my life. Words cannot describe.

Have a blessed day,
Heather

Sorry for the lateness of this, but I am posting last night’s Bible study.

We are blessed to have many visiting pastors coming through our church. Last night we had one who is an evangalist, who is so funny, and I look forward to hearing him when he comes through our church, his name is John Hobbs whose website is http://www.trilliumontariocfo.com/wests.htm.   or his other site, Maranatha Ministries http://www.mmu.org/  He has spoken several times at our church and makes me laugh. One time in the past he was talking about evangalizing while shopping. He said he took an empty shopping cart into Target, went to an empty aisle, yelled at the top of his lungs, “Jesus” and then went out into the midst and talked with people about Jesus because people were asking about the person who yelled, so he talked about the person of Jesus. I still chuckle thinking about that, but haven’t had the courage to try that one. I missed Monday’s talk by him, and am hoping to get a tape because it was about the Father’s heart.

Last night’s topic was worship.

He started out by saying that the heaven he heard about in churches when he was growing up was not very attractive. That the idea of sitting around in heaven and just looking at God and worshipping seemed rather dull when he was a young adult. But now he realizes that God has great things planned for us in Heaven, that our lives there will not be dull (sitting on a cloud playing a harp), that if there was such a wonderful thing as our earth, then Heaven would be far greater. When we look at the wonder of a sunset here on earth, then how can we be bored in Heaven which will be even more glorius?

He talked about the loss of one of his worship leaders and shared a story about him and his funeral, and sometimes said that when he is walking or thinking of some of the songs this man wrote, that he feels somehow his presence, not as a ghost or goblin, but just a sense of his presence. There is a great cloud of witnesses in heaven which are all the saints who have passed on before us, and there is us and others. Sometimes when we worship, we realize that we are not alone in our worship, but we are joining with those clouds of witnesses.

He says there is not two churches, one church in heaven and one on earth when we worship, but one church in different dimensions. When he first got the holy spirit, he was a Methodist preacher, and heard a man speak on Hebrews. The Holy Spirit began to move in him, and God told him not to bring his religion to the Church, God didn’t want it, but to bring his heart, for God could use that.

God does not want our dry worship, you know the three hymns, three part sermons, poem, etc. God wants us to worhsip Him in Spirit and truth.

He talked about praise teams and worship leaders and how they can sing hymns, do acts of worship, but that is not always worship. Sometimes it is an ACT of worship, but the heart is not behind it. God wants our hearts.

He mentioned the woman at the well and how Jesus told her to worship in Spirit and truth.

There is beauty in the willingness to be transparent before God. We have everything He gave us, and we offer it back to Him in worship.  When we worship God, we are saying You are Worthy. We somehow confuse personality with worship. Part of our great joy in our walk is to feel His pleasure.

Hebrews 12:18-on We, because of Christ’s sacrifice can come boldy before the throne of God. The veil in the temple was rent, and the sacrifice of Christ was once for all.

If you want to be a worshipper, you must be intentional about it. Even if you don’t feel like worshipping. Some people, when life is tough, do not come to worship God, and it is worship that will help them through their situation. Some come to church wanting to be worked up to the point of worship by the worship leaders and pastor. But the best way to come to church is to be already in a mood of worship, prepared to worship. Prepared to be a part of the worship, not be be worked up to it. You do not need to be in church to worship, you can be by yourself, with a circle of friends, anywhere, anytime is a good time to worship.

Our church in this country has been blessed with freedom to worship. We have not had to face the persecution that churches in other countries have had to face. But, given the state of our government, this is changing, and at some point we may end up facing persecution. We may end up having to worship under bridges or in basements, etc.

Many times when churches fail, they lose their vision, they are not sure of their worship, and they become limited by what they see with their senses. He stated that it is not about number of members or programs, but about being in worship with God and doing God’s will. A church with tons of members may be a dead church, but a church with a few members, doing God’s will, is a living church.

When you come to worship come to a divine happening, come expecting something supernatural is going to take place.  We should come to worship expecting to receive. (another pastor that I study under, put it this way once, if you read your Bible or pray or come to church, do you bring a notebook and pen expecting to hear from God?)

Praise is obedience. We praise no matter what our outward circumstances.

Hebrews 12:24 The sprinkled blood of Jesus speaks a better word than Abel. Able’s blood spoke and cursed Cain, Jesus’ blood brings restoration and redemption, not condemnation.

Everytime we come together in worship we should glean a fresh awareness of the power of His forgiveness. Fresh passion for unsaved people, burdens and hurting people.

If we worship in spirit and truth, it does not matter where we gather, just that we are committed to worship God.

 

Please, again assume that if there are any errors in these writings they are mine, not Pastor Hobbs. Pastor Don is very careful about who speaks in our church, so any errors are mine.

Have a blessed day. Two churches in our area were severely flooded in the rains that we had last weekend, under five feet of water. A Vineyard church and a church that was newly built, and this weekend we are expected to get more rain. So please pray for these two churches.

If you want a great description of the incense used in the tabernacle, check out angel45′s site. http://www.xanga.com/skin.asp?user=angel45

 

Heather

Am reading Mark 5:1-20

Jesus came over to the country of the Gadarenes. That sparked a memory and on research, Numbers 32:33 states that Moses gave to the children of Gad, the children of Reuben, and the half tribe of Manasseh the kingdom of Sihon, king of the Amorites and the Kingdom of Og king of Bashan.

These people did not want to cross the Jordan into the promised land, they wanted to stay where their children would be safe, they wanted to raise their herds. Moses told them they had to go and fight, but they could return to their cities after the Promised Land was acquired. They split themselves off from their people by refusing to cross the Jordan and live in the promised land and ultimately they must have intermingled with the native people for when Jesus crosses over to the country of the Gadarenes, these people were raising pigs (pigs??? that was forbidden by Jewish law).

Now what was sad is that the Gadarenes cared more about the lives of the pigs, than they did about the man healed from demon possession. (That sure seems to be the trend today as well).

In this passage were three prayers prayed to Jesus.

1. The demons prayed that Christ would not send them out of the contry. Jesus said yes, and the demons entered the pigs.

2. The Gadarenes asked Jesus to leave their area for Jesus was bad for the pig business. Jesus said yes, and left. He will not force himself on anyone who does not want Him.

3. The healed man requested that he travel with Jesus. Jesus said NO. He commissioned the man to tell his family and friends what the Lord did for him. Sometimes, no is a good answer.  Jesus had a better plan for this man, and history will show that that area of the country had a good amount of believers, probably due to the testimony of this man.

I have to be honest, when God says NO, it is sometimes very tough for me to take. Sometimes the NO doesn’t make sense, frankly. I still struggle with why God said NO when I asked for His protection when I was a kid. I know that some of my testimony is good for others, but my flesh says at what cost? I also know that is a selfish attitude, given what Jesus sacrificed for me, but truthfully those thoughts are still there and being struggled with.

Sometimes NO is a loving answer. A very simple and pragmatic example is, my kids would eat candy breakfast, lunch, and dinner if I let them, but then they would not be receiving healthy food. So I limit their candy intake, or I limit their playtime so that they do homework. No is an answer they resent, and hopefully in retrospect they will see that it was a loving answer.

I struggle with the name it/claim it people too. I want things and do pray to God for things, but at the same time, I want God’s best for me. God might give me what I want, but is it His best for me? I think that I see in a rather limited perspective, and God has a much bigger picture. Who’s opinion should I trust? Yet I bristle at the NO’s as much as anyone else does.

I wish I could get it throug my thick skull that God has my best at heart, I still put God into the box that my parents taught me. I feel that God will do what He wants for Him, and that I don’t matter. I know this is not the truth, but it is a deep fear that I am still uprooting.

I wish, though, there were a few more yes’s to my prayers as a kid.

Heather

Just a quick thought. Reading Mark 3, the various disciples were listed. Did you ever think about the kinds of disciples God led Jesus to pick? Sure gives us hope. He picked two sons of thunder (who were perpetually putting their foots in their mouths), Simon (whose name meant shifting sand, and later he would be called Peter and would deny Christ three times), Bartholemew (Nathaniel) who mocked Jesus at first, Thomas who doubted, Simon the Cananite (a zealot-pretty violent were the zealots of those days), and Matthew (a tax collector), a few we seldom hear from such as Thaddaeus and James the son of Alphaeus (called James the lesser). The only one that seemed really promising, who wasn’t from a hick town, who had education, polished manners, and seemed the one that held the most promise was Judas Iscariot, and he was the one who betrayed Christ.

This also brought to my mind, David and his mighty men. David had a band of ruffians who he shaped into an incredible fighting force.

And these disciples were the ruffians that Jesus shaped into a fighting force for the kingdom.

And the Bible tells us that God picked us. At least in my case, he sure has his work cut out for him to bring me to shape.

Will write more later, guess what, the kids have a day off from school due to flooding. They are happy, and today is a bright sunny day. I have to bring them to the mall today, my oldest needs new black, shiny shoes for his Jazz band costume. Why do kids keep growing? My boys are taller than I am now.

Heather

More of my history, continued from March 15, 19, 29, and 31st entries.

Now comes the part of my life that I am not particularly proud of, but yet, it is important to tell because I made many mistakes. If someone reads this and changes their behavior, then it is worth writing it. What happened is that I really lost hope, had given up on God, and was in self-destruct mode.

If anyone has volunteered at a suicide crisis line, my hat goes off to you. While at my sister’s and at my mom’s I often called them and I think it kept me close to a bit of sanity and preserved my life.

I moved back with my mom. She was a serious drinker by now, and even wanted me to share drinking with her and occasionally would force me to drink Mogen David wine with her. Hated the taste. I was in my last year of school, and was very smart, so made the National Honor Society. I lied a lot to my mom to get to do things by telling her I was going to National Honor Society meetings.

Once I settled back in, I got a job working in a dry cleaners. All my money went to my mother as well as the social security that I got from my father’s death. My mom did not work, so she was on a very tight budget.

At this time, I was very suicidal. Continuing on from the tradition of what I did at my sister’s house, any and every pill I could take I took, I drank cough medicine to get high, chewed morning glory seeds (same as on the news, learning later that they did have a poisonous coating, so I threw that up ) and up the street from us was the hippie house (this was in the 70′s) and they would sell me drugs. I just wanted to be out of it as much as possible.

My focus was death, and I didn’t care about life, there was nothing to live for, my life was ruined by my parents, no one really loved me, my sister didn’t want me, and I was hurting and reeling from the abuse that I received, I hated myself, was sure I was the one who caused what happened to me, must be awful for why would a father rape his nice daughter, so what was wrong with me. I only fit in with the few outcasts at school, and turned much into myself.

I did get to keep seeing the therapist, and spent time taking buses to get there. That was the best thing that happened for I really thought maybe they cared.

All I wanted to do was to die, or to be so blocked from the hurt that nothing touched me. Songs like I am a Rock, or Sounds of Silence were my mantras, and I just wanted to die. Early in the school year I miscalculated what I took, went to school acting peculiarly, and was brought to the hospital for a foiled attempt at my life. I should have taken the stupid pills earlier in the evening, for then I wouldn’t have waken up. But while at the hospital my sister-in-law made me promise not to kill myself until my 18th birthday. I promised her, and for some reason held onto that promise. From that moment on, I counted the hours, minutes, and seconds until my 18th birthday. Most of my free time was spent in this calculation. I still took drugs that I acquired from the hippie house, and still did things to block the pain, but the good news was that I was given sleeping medicine and anti-depresent medicine. I took it for awhile, and when they stopped paying attention, I stopped taking it and started storing it up until my 18th birthday. I swore I would not make the same mistake of undercalculating the medicine. I was afraid to cut myself, but did research the proper way to do that in order to make sure I would die, and had a whole plan worked out of taking the medicine, being in a tub of hot water and cutting myself vertically along a vein. I hated myself for making the promise to my sister-in-law, but for some reason could not bring myself to lie.

One evening I was listening to the alternative radio station (I really identified with hippies, they were my source of alleviating the pain of the hurts through drugs), and I heard a person speak who was a neo-pagan. I am not going to name names here, but it currently still is in existence, and this person may still be alive. I was so attracted to the philosophy, and found that their religion was based on a book by Robert A. Heinlein called Stranger in a Strange Land. I read that book, and looked up the person’s name in the phone book, timidly called them, and they arranged for me to get rides to come to one of their meetings (of course my mom thought I was going to a National Honor Society Meeting), I went every Friday night to those meetings. They were rather wild things, for nudity was present (not mandatory), and all sorts of free sex, drugs, drinking, a regular back to nature sort of lifestyle. Some group marriages, and incredibly interesting conversations.

During this time I basically was like a wallflower, turned so far inside myself, arms protectively across my chest, quiet and as I found out later, people actually took turns sitting next to me. They did it in shifts because I was so depressed and hurting. Honestly, it was the first place where I found unconditioanl love and kindness, people genuinely cared for me and it kind of cracked the hurt a tiny bit. Churches could learn from the kindness of these people and maybe some of the hurting kids that leave the church for alternative religions wouldn’t leave. It took about six months of this kind of kindness and one day I realized that instead of dying, I really wanted to live, sort of. So I timidly pointed that out to one of the members, figuring they would be disappointed because much of my existence was so focused on death. Instead they rejoiced because I made the decision to live. That does not mean that I still wasn’t practicing self-destructive behaviors, still wasn’t hurting myself by my poor choices but it is here, in this part of my past that I can finally see a few glimmers of God.

I wish I could have found sitings of God in my past from say the age of 8 – 18, but at least I do see the hand of God in my life from 18 on. God was there when he gave me this group to love me, I am certain His heart was broken at their philosophy, but they could have exploited me, harmed me, or hurt me, instead they loved me.

At one point a person came through that wanted me to drop out of school and leave and go with him and his wife. I told him I wanted to finish school first, then I would come with him. In retrospect I suspect I would have become a street walker if I had left with him.

The various drugs that I took with abandon did not cause damage in my mind. And after awhile I realized that I did not need drugs, and I did that without becoming addicted to the drugs, of course my drugs of choice were speed, acid, and grass. Fortunately, I gave up on those after a few years.

One shocking thing that happened is that one day I decided to give up my virginity (I had repressed my father’s rapes) and it was then that I found out I wasn’t a virgin, and that brought on cascades of horrid memories pouring into my mind. It was there I started regretting my decision of life. I almost lost it again. And of course, I made the stupid decision that since I was already ruined, might as well sleep with anyone who wanted me anytime they wanted me and get it out of the way. I did not become pregnant, did not get a disease, and would boast that if they took a notch out of the bedpost for everyone I slept with, there would be no bedpost left.

How I abused my body and mind at that time, it is a real miracle that I came out intact.

I actually went to my high school graduation stoned on acid, sigh, and then my mom took a trip to visit one of her sisters leaving me alone in our house.

I don’t think she had a clue what was going on with me, she was so besotted with alcohol, and we were sort of just roomates.

Well at this time my first husband offered to marry me, and I accepted. I really didn’t love the guy, he was the spitting image of my father less the gunshot wound on the forehead, he was nice, but immature, and I figured that no one else would ever want to marry me and I would get out of the house. Not very elevated reasons for marriage, but I was still messed up. We had a hippie wedding in the park in matching long green tie-dyed robes, and had a huge party afterwards.

I will continue this later, I still did stupid for many years, I am in tears thinking of how grateful I am to God for preserving me when I was so bent on self-destruction. Of course at this time I was worshipping mother earth, father god, and a whole pantheon of characters, and walking around saying thou are god. Yet God was so faithful when I wasn’t.

Heather

It’s Friday, and you know what that means, Bible Study!!!!! I thought we were going to do Esther Part Two, but instead our church has a visiting pastor from Uganda, Pastor Dongo, and he taught the study. It reminded me of a statement by Rich Mullins, that around the world if you looked at people’s Bibles, people would be underlining different things, and if you put the Bibles together, then you would find that the whole Bible would be underlined. This man is really special and was very happy. With the help of our church and a few other loccal churches he has been able to purchase land and has the first floor of a school built.

The topic of today’s Bible study is Christian Stewardship.

As people, we feel that if we possess something we own it. Our concept of ownership is the power to prevent someone else from possessing our using what we consider to be ours. If anyone takes away something that is ours, we consider it theft.

Biblical concept of ownership.

The true owner is one who has something without having received it from another.
The true owner doesn’t need anyting because he has everything.

Only one fits this definition, God.

1 Chron 29: 14, 16 Daniel knew he got everything from God. when he said, for all things come from You and of Your own we have given you.

We forget that what we give God is what he gave us first.

Acts 17:25 God is not in need of being served by hands, he doesn’t need anything.

1 Cor. 4:7, What did you have that you did not receive from God?

James 1:17 Every good and perfect gift is from above. We receive from the Father of Life.

One day we will have to give an accounting of what and how we have used what is given to us.

We must follow the instructions of the owner and be a good steward of what God gives us.

Ex. 19:5 The Earth belongs to God.

Psalms 24:1 The Earth is the Lord’s and the fullness there of, the world and all who dwell in it.

Genesis 1:1 In the beginning God created…

God owns it because he created it.

John 1:3 God created everything for His Glory and His pleasure.

That is awesome because he also created us.

Isaiah 43:7, Psalm 100:3

Romans 11:33 God has rights on everything because He created us.

We should be people whom God is well pleased. God was pleased with his servant Job, stating that there is no one like Him, God was also pleased with Jesus and his work, We, as children of God, should strive to be those in whom God is well pleased.

Hebrews 1:3 God sustains everything by the power of his Word.

God 1) created us
        2) sustains us
        3) redeems us
        4) sanctifies us

We are striving for holiness, and we can only achieve this with the help of God, and then we can become the righteousness of God IN Christ. We cannot do it alone, we have to do it in Christ.

We become partakers of the Holiness of God IN Christ Jesus.

Job 21:30

Pastor Ted also stated that our salvation is not ours, it belongs to God.

Deut 29:29 the secret things belong to God.

I love hearing other teachers teach Bible study, for it just makes the Word so rich.

Heather