April 7, 2005

•  More History – continued from March 15, 19, 29, 31 and April 2. Perhaps one day I will figure out how to put it all together into one fell swoop.

  
  

  Again, I apologize for this portion of my history. If I could have changed my behavior back then, I would. Hopefully this will show others that if God can redeem me, he most certainly can redeem anyone else.

  
  

  So, after our wedding, some of the problems that never came out from my past started emerging. I was very messed up. I still continued therapy, and in therapy I started seeing a bit of what I was doing to myself. One of my therapists fought to keep me in for a second cycle. Because of my “hippie” lifestyle I was still seeing therapists in clinics, which meant the six months, then a new therapist. I think that this bit of stability in therapists helped somewhat.

  
  

  Well the ground rules of our marriage were somewhat different from ordinary marriages, and we wrote our own ceremony. We did not commit for life, we had an open marriage (which allowed us to sleep around) and at one point we even experimented with a group marriage. The open marriage was a godsend to me at the time because the visceral memories of what my father did to me were emerging and I could not stand to be touched sexually for a period of time. It was relieving to throw my husband to the arms of someone else and take the pressure off of me.

  
  

  If I were smart, I would not have married for the reasons I did (see April 2). I would have waited and continued therapy. But then I would have had to stay in that house and the house was closing in on me, the memories of what happened were too difficult and my mom was disintegrating in front of me with her drinking. I don’t know what would have been the best course of action. I took one year of college, then dropped out, and it wouldn’t be until many years later that I returned to college and got a degree.

  
  

  I also threw myself into the pagan religion big time. I researched many of the religions, composed my own theories of life, and eventually decided to worship mother earth. Well a mother god didn’t do much for me any more than a father god did.  Trust did not come easily for me, and I constantly held myself in reserve. (I am better now as a Christian, but I still have a lot of reserve when it comes to God. I love God, but at a distance, still afraid that He really wouldn’t want me in His kingdom).

  
  

  I was being intellectually stimulated because the group of people I hung out with were well read, loved to talk and debate, and were very passionate. Often we would have guests come through, people like Stephen Gaskins’ Farm, or various witches, occultists, etc. who would come, lecture, share. The lifestyle was one of hedonism, and I participated, but the difference was that I did not do it with abandon, it was rather more calculated.

  
  

  Because of my past, I longed to fit in, and I molded myself to fit in whereever or whatever was going on. I was still taking some drugs, but that did not last for many more years. Some of it, in retrospect was funny (but I also know that it was destructive), and I still harbored that death wish. I really had no concept of self. One of my favorite movies at the time was Billy Jack, an incredible movie that I still watch with nostalgia, but one character in the movie told a girl that she believed she was an anybody, and would do anything for anybody. He wanted her to realize that she was somebody, and he would not have sex with her because he valued her. I was still of the mindset that guys wanted sex, so give it to them and get it over with. My father had done a number on my head making me believe that no one could love me, that sex was the only way a person would like me.

  
  

  After about two and a half years of marriage, a witchcraft coven from Chicago came through our group, and I was so impressed with their knowledge. I wanted to learn more, so I picked up and moved. I told my husband that our marriage was not working out. It really wasn’t. I was a wreck of a person, he was immature, and I was immature. We married too young, so we decided to separate. I moved to the new city, he later moved to the same city. And we both studied in this coven for years. Ultimately divorcing. Before I married my husband of today, my former husband had died of his lifestyle. And I never had a relationship with a man for about 12 or 13 years.

  
  

  If anyone has had the kind of past that I had, or is hurting real bad, I think the temptation is to seek relief in a relationship that promises love. I was starved for love, needed to feel special, and at the time, I married for all the wrong reasons. Our relationship did not have any basis. When you are hurting, you do not always want to take advice, but my advice to anyone who is hurting is to wait before finalizing a relationship. A good relationship worth its salt will stand the test of time. And at the time I married, I was not a Christian, but if you are a Christian, please make sure your spouse is one who is Christian also. Please make sure all the important issues are dealt with too, finances, beliefs, thoughts about children. Many churches offer counseling before a couple gets married, it is not a waste of time. It is probably the most important step you can take. And know that your first few years of marriage will be rocky once the honeymoon is over. A relationship is a committment. And it is ongoing, with ups and downs.

  
  

  At one point, Pastor Don talked about the woman at the well, and how she had many lovers, and Jesus commended her honesty. I started learning the biblical truths about marriage. How two are made one, and should not be separated. That the only real reason for a divorce is adultery, and how Jesus did not like the Jewish doctrine of being able to leave a spouse for trivial matters. It was explained that it is important to stay pure until marriage, because if you open yourself up sexually, then you carry those people with you forever. That you will be bringing them to your marriage bed, because you will be comparing, contrasting, or perhaps thinking about them. I was devestated with those thoughts. By that time I had been married to Jim for 16 years, and I thought about all the sinning I had done this way in my past (before I was a Christian). Pastor Don assured me that Jesus has covered all those sins, and that those were in the past. In fact, God was so merciful that he preserved me from a lot of what could have happened when I was sowing those seeds of sin, and that I was a new creation in Christ. Obviously now there is only Jim, and has been only Jim since we met and married, but sometimes I wish that I did not have all the past there as well. If you are in a relationship, please wait, trust me in this, you will have greater joy if you hold yourself for the right person.

  
  

  I threw myself into the coven that I was studying with. It was a very large coven, and at some of the major festivals and feasts there could be 150 in attendance. It was a mix of magic and witchcraft, and there were classes, assignments, books to read, and things to learn. Because it was a teaching coven, it was sort of like a seminary of the occult. I did very well, took on many tasks, and many of the gifts that God gives us, are also imitated in the occult, and there are gifts that were pretty well developed in me. I studied comparative mythology, and after a few years was actually an associate priestess of the coven, and for a time was the high priestess. The person in charge of the coven was a charismatic high priest, and he appointed people, but like any cult, he did not want his power threatened, so after awhile, he would appoint a new high priestess. I learned much of the occult, and it served me well in the occult circles I would later enter.

  
  

  My husband and I officially divorced, and he took up with other people. I tended to room with roomates. Some of whom were very enlightening. One was a professional model who helped me to realize that even those who get paid for their looks have bad hair days. At that time, I had moved to study a quasi Christian/occult group, that is now no longer in existence. They used the caballa, tarot, and Christ all at the same time. I studied Hawaiian Huna, and so many other religions. Someone came through our coven calling himself a witch doctor, and he hooked me up with some groups out in California. I moved there and studied more.

  
  

  During this period of marriage, the hurts were less in my current life, but I was still tormented by the past. There were plenty of good times too, and one fun aspect was associating with the Society of Creative Anacronism, studying Medieval life. I ended up finding jobs and supporting myself, and became more independent. But my focus was as intense to learn the occult as it is today to know Christ.

  
  

  What keeps surprising me is how close the occult principles are to Christian principles. satan is a liar and a cheat, he will take things that sound so good and pure, make you believe that you are acting in a Christian manner, but change a small aspect which throws you off course. It doesn’t take much, just one lie here and there until you are so off base you don’t realize it.

  
  

  One friend of mine pointed out it is sort of like having a glass of milk that is pure, and you put in one drop of chocolate syrup. The syrup is not noticed in the milk which still looks like milk, tastes like milk, but if it was analyzed it is no longer pure milk because of the one drop of chocolate syrup.

  
  

  It doesn’t take much straying from the truth to be in error.

  
  

  I stayed in California for years, and again hung out with covens, two in particular. And ultimately this witchdoctor who came into my former coven wrote to me and wanted me to come to New York to study with a teacher there. I will continue the story of New York. next, but it is late and I have to get up early to get my kids off to school.

  
  

  I keep thanking God that he delivered me from all the mistakes I made in my past. When I think of how, after turning my back on Him when I was 8, and staying away for so many years, he was still faithful and pursued me, I want to cry tears of joy. I just wish I had sought Him earlier, I feel like I wasted these years in the wilderness. But Pastor Don points out to me that I am now an enemy of satan, and that God will turn these wasted years into something good. I sure hope so. My life is so different now that Christ is in my life. Words cannot describe.

  
  

  Have a blessed day,
  Heather

  • 12:50 am
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