March 15, 2005

• Pondering put a note on my last blog entry that mirrors something I asked of Pastor Don recently, how can we be up one day and then down the next day in our Christian walk.

  
  

  Oh how I wish it was all mountaintop experiences, but often I find myself in the valley facing depression and hurt and pain. Pastor Don pointed out that after a mountaintop experience, or a wonderful time of feeling the closeness of God, of feeling connected, of gaining a spiritual point, that often then we are plunged to the opposite extreme of the valley, where we feel that God is not all that close, that we lose the sense of the presence of God, feel that our spiritual walk is dry, etc.

  
  

  Some thoughts on that. If we did not have darkness, we would not appreciate light so much. It is the opposites that give us a sense of the wonder. If all was the same, we would have no way to compare and it would be boring. Although sometimes I wish for a bit of boring.

  
  

  A good part of our spiritual growth is also to learn to keep our focus on God whether we are on the mountain or in the valley. Even Jesus, after his baptism and the descent of the Holy Spirit was lead away into the wilderness for 40 days and had to face temptations from satan. Our goal is to hold onto Christ no matter what the external circumstances.

  
  

  That said, I have to tell you that I find it very hard to hold onto these things in the midst of the valley experiences. It is only when I am around other Christians, and people who care that I can remember to hold onto the truth. That is why I think it is so vital to be a member of a church, to be around other people who can help you through the experiences you have. Without that, the valley can be very lonesome.

  
  

  One Bible study, Pastor Don was talking about the 23rd Psalm, and the passage that says, “Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death.” He pointed out a few things about that line that I did not notice.

  
  

  1. We walk through the valley – we do not camp there or live there. That is why it is called a spiritual walk, because we keep moving forward. Pressing on as Paul says.

  
  

  2. It is not death, it is the shadow of death. Illusion, not reality. A shadow does not hurt a person, but a person’s imaginings regarding the shadow can hurt.

  
  

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  I am reading Matthew 26, and the point where Peter warms himself at the fire of the gentiles as he denies Christ, and it caused me to think about various mentionings of fire in the Bible, something I want to research soon.

  
  

  When the tabernacle was dedicated, God provided the fire for the altar of sacrifice. The Israelites then kept that fire going, and used that fire for all future sacrifices. There was a rule of not using strange fire (fire not provided from God from that first sacrifice) when the Israelites made their sacrifices.  This fire was also used to light the incense in the Holy of Holies. So that the prayers (which is what incense symbolizes) were also made with sacrifice.

  
  

  One of the Aaron’s sons (I think) used strange fire and ended up dying because of this. When we come to God we come totally in His energy and power. He provides the sacrifice, the fire, the altar – we do not bring anything of ourselves.

  
  

  I want to do more research on fire, but the thought is that Peter went back to the fire of the Gentiles in the outer court when he denied Christ. He tried to warm himself there, and ended up weeping bitterly when he realized what he had done.

  
  

  I know that occasionally I am led back to being around people who do what I used to do, and find that I cannot go back to those ways, that I have grown beyond them. I cannot go back to the old ways. Peter, too, ended up swearing as he sat around this fire (apparently in those days fishermen were known to swear) but one of the servants at the fire said that he talked like one of them (the followers of Jesus). Even though he tried to disguise his affiliation with Jesus by the old behavior of swearing, it did not come off as authentic. He had been changed by Jesus.

  
  

  One thing that strikes my heart so much is how Jesus turned and looked at Peter. He did not give up on Peter and actively sought him out after the resurrection. Jesus does not give up on us, even when we blow it big time. He will still keep pursuing us, and I find that very comforting as I mess up a lot. Spend a lot of time in the valley and wish that I was a better worshipper of Christ.

  
  

  I know that we can never really worship Christ the way He deserves worship for the sacrifice he did for us, but sometimes I feel like an bumbling, fumbling worshipper, one who has a hard time putting all my heart, soul and mind to worship. I feel inadequate, terribly inadequate. Then when I get lost in the valley or camp out I feel like I have let Christ down.

  
  

  I told Pastor Don that one time, when I was praying. Often when I am driving back from an errand, I spend time in prayer, for I am alone and that is rare in our house. And I got the distinct impression of a baby’s sloppy kiss, of a hug or the offering of a mangled dandelion. And the idea that God appreciates even our fumbling gestures of worship, for we are his children, and just like we like our children’s signs of affection (sometimes rarer as they become teens) so God appreciates what we can do at the level we are at.

  
  

  Sorry this is rambling. But I wanted to touch base before running out to do my millions of errands which includes buying a few Birthday presents. Thursday (St. Pat’s Day) my daughter turns 13, then I will have three teens. They grow up so fast.

  
  

  Heather

  • 7:52 am
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