Have been studying Revelation. One thing that keeps coming to the surface in that for me is the white robes that are given out in the Kingdom. Some robes are white being washed in the blood of the Lamb. Some are given to martyrs and then they are told to rest awhile longer until their numbers are completed.

Kind of brings to mind the scarlet thread that wanders throughout the Bible. How it is so linked to Jesus and his ancestry. Remember the scarlet thread that Rahab hung out her window so that the Israelites would not attack her house or the people in it. How she ended up marrying the king. She sure reclaimed her harlotry.

There is a worm that was used to dye the scarlet used in the temple. This worm lays eggs on a leaf and then covers the eggs with its body. The worm dies in the process of protecting its eggs. And then a remarkable thing happens. The red worm’s body turns white and becomes like an ash. It eventually falls to the ground as if it is snow. Isn’t that an awesome picture of what Christ did for us. “Though your sins be scarlet, they will become white as snow.”

Would that white robes would make us feel clean all the way through. Have you ever had visceral memories, where the image is so strong that you feel like you are back in the midst of the situation. Sometimes the memories I am facing are that strong. Some of the things that happened to me are such that you felt dirty, there was no way not to feel dirty, and when the memories of those come up, it is hard to see one as being completely cleansed. When you are violated, something is taken away forever.

My father and mother took away my innocence at a very young age. Even if I wanted to come to Christ as a child, couldn’t do that, for I never was a child, ever. I know it says that God can restore what the locusts ate, but it seems like an incredible promise. How can one restore innocence? How can one turn back the hands of time and fulfill a void that was never filled?

Now I can forgive the people who hurt me so. In fact, once for Lent I actually prayed for them for 40 days, and forgave them. It was the hardest thing that I ever did. But one thing that doesn’t go away is the memories. Do the memories ever become easier to deal with? Oh for just once a real sense of God there, working in my life, in a way that there would be no way to deny that it was there.

It took a long time for me to be able to say, “I love you” to God, kind of was afraid that he would reject that love. I hear people asking God for things, about the only thing that I ask God for is a sense of his being, and that my family becomes saved.

I do have one prayer request for you. A girl in my daughter’s class, named Kayleigh, is scheduled for surgery Feb. 21. She has a problem with her spinal cord crushing, and they are doing surgery because the interventions they have tried are not working. Am praying that the surgery isn’t necessary, but if it is done, that it works, and she heals quickly without pain. This is the third time the surgery is scheduled, don’t know if it will happen now or later, but it would be awesome if the surgery wasn’t necessary at all. She is such a sweet girl. Thanks,

Heather

Mustard seed.

Seems lately that I have been learning tidbits about tiny things like salt and mustard seeds, but this is cool.

One of the women in our church knows a lot about plants and she told us that a mustard seed (the tiniest seed) is one seed that cannot be hybrid – it cannot be combined with any other seed or plant to create a new kind of mustard. It is pure.

If you think about the mustard seed of faith, that adds some interesting thoughts. The mustard seed of faith that God gives us is pure (holy), and cannot be changed into something else. Of course we have to grow it, but we cannot change what God originally gave us. And Jesus also said that birds of many kind would come and nest in its branches. Our pastor (who is back from vacation, Yeah!!!!) said that as we learn about faith in one area and gain the faith for one thing, then when a similar thing comes along we can transfer that faith from the one thing to a new situation (or the birds of many kinds). He also said that we should not beat ourselves up if we do not have perfect faith, that faith is cultivated, and grows with our experiences.

Now he also said something that I am struggling with, and can’t wait to talk more about it with him. He said that sometimes the “why” questions tear down our faith, that sometimes we have to just accept the sovereingty of God in a situation, and trust that what God did was good because in the flesh we can’t understand the why. I have a terrible problem with that. I want to know the why. I want to know how come.  Some things in life seem so unfair.

What amazes me from this Bible study is that Jesus was so particular with the words that he used and the examples that he used.  Who would have thought of a mustard seed being hybrid.

Heather

I’ve never met a man who has given me as much trouble as myself.” – Dwight Moody

I can relate to the above. I found that on Chris Long’s Laugh and Lift site  http://www.laughandlift.com

I can relate to this because after my childhood, I lived a life that caused me more trouble. I remember a Bible study once on Moses when he inflicted plagues on Pharaoh to convince Pharaoh to let the Israelites go.

Our pastor talked about the magicians in Pharaoh’s court and how they replicated the first plagues Moses did. So they were able to make bloody water, a snake, etc. But when they made these it did not help the situation any. It only made things worse, more bloody water when Pharaoh needed clean water. If they wanted to help Pharaoh, they should have alleviated the plague, but they couldn’t.

My pastor’s point is that when satan comes in the midst, instead of improving the situation, he always makes it worse, complicates the situation, or confuses the situation.

So when I started rebelling, I ended up doing the very things that were done to me to hurt me as a child. Even though I did them under my “control” it did not make things better, in fact it just increased the shame and hurt that I felt from what happened to me complicated by what I later did.

Sometimes I see the self-destructive behavior of those I come in contact with, and my heart goes out to them, I know how much they are hurting, and I see them hurting themselves more. Hurt never eases hurt.

As a child I used to hurt myself, as a way of not reacting and preserving my life. It was much better to bite the inside of my mouth to draw blood, poke a fingernail into my palm, pull my hair out piece by piece,or do something to hurt another part of my body than to react to what my father was doing. A wrong look, a jerking back, the wrong words, too many tears, too few tears, were things that literally could get me killed.

I once volunteered at Covenant House in New York to help runaways. One little boy came in lugging his teddy bear and a few possessions. When he told us why he ran away it was because he got a bad math grade and he was afraid his mom would kill him. When he let us call her, he was home within the hour. His fear about his mom killing him was not actual. She was worried beyond all hope for his safety. I was glad for him because in my case the fear was actual.

Another child I was working with finally came to the point of letting me call his mom. I called his mom and told her where her son was and she said, “Keep him, I don’t want him.” My heart bled for that child. It was heartrending to have to tell him what his parents said. We were able to place him in a group home, but I know that child was devastated, I knew the courage it took to let us call his parents, and how crushed he was afterwards.

I was glad to be able to help the children there, now I don’t live in New York City anymore, so I reach out in other ways. So many parents hurt their kids in so many ways, too much hurt.

As a child I used to listen to the other kids talking about their parents killing them for this or that action. In my case, it wasn’t like the little boy with the teddy bear, it was real. They had already attempted my life three times. I lived in terror, and it took every ounce of control to stay alive.

I once got beaten because a teacher wrote on a report card that I acted like a 52 year old adult. I was old beyond my years. I think abuse does that to a person, makes them age in actions. So I had to set about figuring out how to imitate a kid’s behavior. The kids (cruel at that age) could sense the fraud. But it was a fine line between acting like a kid to fool a teacher or being beaten by the kids after school because they knew I was an easy target.

What ended up happening was that I looked at the world through eyes of abuse and knew that I was different, I had to fake normalcy, I had to pretend that what was happening to me did not repulse me, I had to control emotions to protect my life, and I had to do that all alone, without even a sense of comfort from God.

Small wonder that somewhere along the way I lost myself in the process. Then turned the hurt against myself. Now God want’s a real relationship, or so the Bible says. But when you spent your life as an imitation, where is the real you? Reminds me of the game show, To Tell the Truth, when three contestants pretended to be a person versed in a particular career. The panel would ask questions and try to figure out who was the one who was the real lion tamer, or doctor, or whatever.

I don’t know where the real Heather is, she got lost a long time ago. In fact Heather is not the name my family gave me, I picked a nickname as a teen because I wanted so to divorce myself from my past that I thought a new name would do it, so legally I am not Heather.

Now if I can’t access those protected parts of me, parts that were locked up and the key lost, how can I ever pretend to have a real relationship with God or anyone for that matter. Sometimes I think that when hurt is so bad, there really is no way to repair the damage, just muddle along. Not sure even God could get in there and do much with the pieces of me.

I have to let my husband on the computer, but will be back later to share some of last night’s Bible study, but it is a hard one to try to sift into writing.

Heather

 

Well, we just changed computers and somehow I lost the picture that my daughter had created for fun, so decided this picture of Jane Austin is kind of cool, it was either that or an unimaginative picture of heather flowers.

Battling depression today big time, and it seems that lately I have found a group of prayer warriors who are battling in my corner. I am so grateful for them as I really do want to resolve the issues that are troubling me. Guess my logical mind tends to get in  the way of faith.

All are asleep, and I am taking a few minutes to myself before heading off to bed. Still reading Brendon Manning’s book on God’s love. Some people seem to feel it flood over them. I don’t think I have ever had that experience. Perhaps for me God’s love is in the love of others.

Oh for the peace of God that passes all understanding. I kind of feel like an animal that is frozen in the headlights, wanting to run away but paralyzed with fear, but definitely not able to step forward into the arms of God either. For me, the pressing fear is that if I reach out to God and He doesn’t reach back, then there is nothing left. I can’t face nothing.

Well, I guess on this glum note, I will say good night for now. Sorry, I do promise to try and put more uplifting things on my site.

Heather

Kids are in bed, Yeah!!! This was one of those landmine days. Teenagers, sigh. Does it ever get any easier. There are some days when you just can’t do or say the right thing, you are public enemy number one, and all pictures are crooked on the walls from slammed doors. If I survive the teenage years it will be a miracle. Thank goodness for the other days when they apologize, are sweet, and kind, and think of others. Gives one hope. If I hadn’t survived the teenage years myself, I think I would probably not realize that this too shall pass.

BIBLE STUDY NOTES [This lesson is one that is sitting heavy on me, so much truth and it is terrifying for me, but I also know that these are true steps to take]

THREE ENEMIES OF BELIEVERS IN CHRIST

1.satan
2. The world system, of which satan is the prince 1 John 2:15-17
3. Our own flesh, self, nature.

We can acknowledge satan as the enemy, rebuke satan, but often it is our flesh that is the downfall when we give over to it. We are so at risk  because we are self destructive by nature. It doesn’t matter if it isn’t fair, it is a fact.

On the cross all our enemies were overcome, so why do we still battle these things? These enemies no longer can presume authority over you, only if they get authority by invitation from you. The self decides who is in control.

Why is self control so crucial. Prov. 25:28 a city is never any stronger than its walls.

Ezekiel 40:1-5 Vision of the end times temple

1 Cor 6:19-20 Your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. Walls around the temple, self control keeps the temple safe.

What happens when our wall is crumpled in one place. The wall is to keep the secular from the sacred.

Ezekiel 26:10 tremble at the enemy when he enters your gates as men enter a city that has been breeched

Ezekiel 38:11 invade land of walled villages.

Vulnerable to the enemy.

We must ask ourselves where is our area of vulnerability? food, trust, faith, anger

satan knows our weak areas

[Oh do I, have some weak areas, my past creeps up and colors my vision, I use food to stuff emotions. Diets fall by the wayside as visceral memories of the rape emerge, I have self doubts, fears, distrust, unhealty fear of God, so many areas that can be torn apart by satan]

The difference for believers is that we are sealed and satan can’t get in, so we can’t be possessed, but we can be oppressed. When satan gets entrance to an area of weakness, he tries to tear the wall down.
What can we do about that? How can we rebuild the broken wall of our life?

Nehemiah was about how walls are rebuilt.

Neh. 2:1-20

6 steps to rebuilding walls.

1. v. 11 enlist accountability partners , that is confessing to a few discrete people, the kind that won’t fuss but will hold you accountable. That requires an honest report from you because satan tends to take advantage of secrets.

2. v14 perform an honest self-examination of what areas we are lacking self control in. God shows us where we are out of control v.14-17, lack of self control does affect the people around you, we can keep our secrets but the effects of our secrets will be seen by those around you.

3. v.17 Admit you have expressed disgrace over this area. This is like step one of a 12 step program.

4. v 18 start rebuilding, begin the good work, don’t put it off. God holds us accountable for knowledge he wants us to start working now. The larger the time span between action and response to God, when God lets us know about a problem, the moe satan has power and gets more ground, tears down more. God’s comands are us-ward.

5. v. 19 expect opposition, not only from satan. Acknowledge it when it hits, for example, if you blow it, get back on the horse and ride again. It does improve over time, don’t give up. Also expect opposition from people youknow, righteousness is confrontational.

6. v.20 God of Heaven will give you success, claim it in advance. God is tronger than our problems, his power is sufficient to fight the battle.

Isaiah 58:11 God isn’t only about our victory, but reveals himself to us. We cannot do it without His help.

1 Thes 5: 23-24 He desires to sanctify us. to make us holy, to be rendered pure, mostly our soul needs more than unattainable desire to be pure.  Who kept our dreams alive, only God, and it is only God who can purify us through and through. When God purifies us, it makes something peaceful. Until we let Him purify us through and through we will never have peace.

Body – Soma – not only flesh Sarx – but muscle tissue, lungs, heart, brain, temporal

Soul – Psyche – Inner man, seat of our senses, our desires, affections, appetites, passions feelings, dislikes, preferences, personality

Spirit – Pneuma – innermost man, Inmaterial, nature that has ability to communicate with God.

Genesis 1  Created physical beings, then created soul in animal, but we were created in God’s image. He placed inside us a Spirit. It was not His will for us to perish. We yearn for things of the Spirit that can’t be satisfied with the flesh and soul. God makes us yearn for Himself. When we become a believer 1 Cor 6:17, we unite with God as one with His spirit. Our Spirit is occupied by the Holy Spirit. The three parts never work together, one is always in charge at all times, either the body, soul or spirit is in charge.  That is why we must exercise control, or we will have a major authority problem.

We do not want to lose control in the flesh, sometimes we are controlled by the body or the soul, but that is not optimal. We really need to seek to let the Spirit be in control., Christ has to be in control for us to be healthy.

Some are afraid of Christ as he is an authority figure. [boy can I relate to that!!!] We have lost control before and we don’t want to do it again.

Romans 6:16, says we are slaves to the one we obey. We will be slaves to something, so we ought to choose to be slaves to Christ so that we are slaves to one who loves us and seeks our best.

********

Well this Bible study gives me something to mull over. I remember when I first started going to this church I was afraid to go forward to the altar, afraid that the pastor would blurt out all my sins, that God would point a bony finger my direction and say something like out, leave this place and never come back.

It sure took a long time before I could approach God. I must have spent two years going over things with the pastor, listing all my sins, making sure that there was nothing that would cause God to reject me. It took a long time to take that fearful step, and a lot of fear and trembling before I obeyed enough to be baptized.

I sometimes wonder if there is something wrong in that I feel that I cannot forgive myself for all the stupid things I did as a youth. I still feel like somehow I have to earn God’s love, that if maybe I do enough things, then He will love me. I know this is not Biblical, but it is how I see God. My perception of him is tough. One person on Xanga mentioned wanting to please Daddy (meaning God). I wouldn’t know how to deal with God as Daddy. Not sure He really would want me in that role.

My walls are strong, but they are also strong against God, and inside I am like a trapped moth, one day, I will just die, and that will be the end. Does relationship with God ever become free and easy if you lived through much abuse? Is it always a struggle?

Thanks for listening,

Heather

Got a lazy question for you. Today we were reading about salt losing its savor.

How does salt lose its savor? I remember how sometimes conquering countries would salt the earth and ruin it for crops. That lasted a long time. Salt was a preservative. What would make it (physical salt) lose its savor?

Thanks,

Heather

Hi, am letting the discussion below continue. Am so much enjoying learning what you have to share regarding the topic that I don’t want it to get buried right now. Have a blessed Saturday.

Heather

Hi, a few Bible study tidbits from last night, just a few extra notes, we are still studying about the 3rd day. Day 1 is Deliverance, Day 2 holiness, Day 3 is possession and fruitfulness.

When Jesus asked the Woman at the Well to bring her husband, she truthfully answered that she was not married to the man she was with. Jesus told her that she answered truthfully, that there had been five men before (five plus current husband plus Jesus equals 7). Now Seven is a third day concept, for it is the marriage of the Lamb, the coming into the kingdom in Revelation, etc.

I love the Woman at the Well Bible passage, so this was exciting to me.

Song of Solomon is also a third day sort of scripture. Chapter 2:10 they talk about turtle doves. Now the person teaching said that turtle doves were a migrating bird that is present in Israel only at the time of Passover (shortly before and after Passover) which is the Second day. I want to do a word study on turtledoves now to see where else they appear in the Bible.

Day 1: Genesis 1:3 God created Light, dividing light from darkness. When we take out the darkness that is deliverance. Demonic spirits are in the darkness but cannot stand the light of God.

Day 2 : Genesis 1:6 The Firmament. Divide the waters under from the waters above. The waters above Heaven (holiness – things of God separated) from the things of the Earth, below.

Day 3: Genesis 1:9 Dry land appears, herbs, seed, fruit. Seas and land are sometimes used to describe nations, it is the seed time, and harvest, or posession.

James 5:7 – seed time, harvest, farmer waits for precious fruit of the earth, and mentions the early and later rain. The later rain is 3rd day.

James 5:16-20 Elisha prayed and it did not rain in the land for 3 1/2 years. That kind of corresponds to the tribulation period in Revelation where there is a lot of famine and drought in the first 3 1/2 years.    3rd day is the restoration, to restore what the locusts ate.

Galatians 6:1-10 Sowing and reaping. Do we sow to the flesh or to the spirit.

John 3: Nicodemus, what is born of spirit is Spirit, what is born of flesh is flesh. Spirit born is third day.

In Day 3, do you want to inhert. It will cost you something – it costs trust and belief in God. When Israel crossed over theJordon it was high flood time (not the low tide) It was challenging You trust those you love, based on history, not the apparent challenges.

MY NOTE  APPLYING TO ME ONLY, NOT FROM BIBLE STUDY: I suspect that this is what I am learning, I am still wandering in the wilderness somewhere between Day 1 and Day 2. Working on Holiness, and still being delivered from the past. Wonder if I will ever gain the trust to get to day three.

1 Kings 4 Provision. If provision is provided too early it is not helpful, too late it is not helpful. Provision has to be given at the right time. Our teacher was talking about how we have to be directed by the Spirit to give where it is needed and directed. That it is not the amount that is important, but the obedience to the leading of the Spirit. And to feed it the way the Bible directs, to the Church, the needy, the widows, etc. One time he stated he was directed to give change he received to a person and dismissed the thought because it was only 35 cents. He was at a prophetic conference, and this person later was called up to the stage and was given part of a collection as a result of a prophetic revelation, and our teacher missed the prompting of the spirit. He later gave the person the 35 cents, apologized for not listening immediately to the Spirit, and learned that it is about obedience, not amount.

King Solomon, came up in Bible study and my husband and I were talking on the way home about the story of Solomon’s wisdom in dealing with the woman’s child, the one where two women claimed the child was theirs. And Solomon decided to split the child in half, and the real mom said, give the child to the other woman. My husband said that that was also a prophecy about Israel. Now he really got that from the Holy Spirit, and it blew me away. Can’t wait until I get him to share this one with our pastor! God is so good in this because before my husband started Bible study, he wanted nothing to do with Born Agains, now he is hearing from the Spirit.

The two women were harlots. (God talked about Israel playing the harlot with Him, by worshipping idols). There were two women – as there was two kingdoms of Israel.

One child died (as did one of the kingdoms of Israel). The other was left and the people were fighting for control.  One woman was to sacrifice her desires to preserve the life of the child, the real mother. And instead of being split, the child was given to the real mom.

I have to think this out more clearly, but I can’t wait to let my pastor know, Bet he will have something awesome that I am missing in all of this.

If you look at 1 Kings 4:27 to see the daily provision of King Solomon, you realize that there is no lack of provision for the Kings house, and we are the king’s household.

That is the best I can do with my notes, hope some is useful to others.

Heather