February 13, 2005
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Still reading The Relentless Tenderness of Jesus by Brennan Manning, my Revelation study has taken lots of time and has made it tough to get other reading in. This week in the study we are comparing passages in Deuteronomy with Ezekiel and Daniel passages about the scattering of Israel.
Manning quotes:
p. 68 “One of the greatest paradoxes of the Gospel is that surrender is victory. “The man who loses his life finds it.” What makes surrender difficult is our lack of faith, our fears and insecurities, our need to manage our own lives and those of others, our little plans to which we cling so tightly.”
p. 74 “You will trust God only as much as you love Him. And you will love Him not because you have studied Him; you will love Him because you have touched Him–in response to His touch. Even then your troubles are not over. You may still wrangle with God. You may cry out with Jesus, “My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?” Only if you love will you make the final leap into darkness; “Father, into Your hands I commend my spirit.”
Well, this pretty much defines my failing. It has taken me a long time to be able to say “I love you to God.” I respect you, I like you, I honor you, but when you give out love, it is scary because what if it isn’t returned. I am wrangling with God big time. Even Peter could not say he agape’d Jesus, he liked him.
I do not think that wrangling with God is always due to a need of deliverance. I think of Jacob who wrestled with God, and did not let Him go, and God gave Him a new name, Israel. Then God would address Jacob/Israel by the name that best fit the action, if it was a Godly action, Israel, not part of God’s plan, Jacob. Pretty good for a heel snatcher, one who stole an inheritance.
I spent 40 years wandering in the wilderness, ignoring God. So right now we are talking, I am wrangling, trying to sort out things. If it didn’t matter, I would have done what I did for 40 years, I would just walk away, not talk with God, and write God off. I haven’t done that. I need the answers, and to just make that leap of faith is not something I can do. With my track record, I would leap and end up falling and hurting my spirituality. As it is I think the term spiritual autism kind of describes what I am dealing with. The hurt is so great, that unless God intervenes in a big way (something he hasn’t done to date), I don’t think I will recover inside.
Please do not be angry that this is hard for me, you have no idea how hard it is to not run away. And I am not running, just backing away slowly. I am note even strong enough to just stay standing.
Hope you have a goood Sunday. Today the boys are selling candy bars, I get so tired of fundraising for various troops and things, but I know it is necessary.
Glad to have so much support in my wrangling days.
Heather
Comments (15)
Sometimes we feel wilted inside, but a drop of water from Jesus can bring us back to life. He is the living water.
The Israelites “spent 40 years wandering in the wilderness” as the Lord prepared a “new generation” to enter into the promised land (“Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature; old things are passed away, behold all things are become new.” II Corinthians 5:17). Even then, the struggle was not over. With God in the lead, they had to purge the land of all wickedness. And sometimes, they forgot to follow God’s lead … I think you know where I am going with this.
(hug)
No one is angry with you..
Just remember the Lord is there for you…. you dont always get to see what you want to see, sometimes you only get to see what he wants you too see.
It is not about want…but need
He will give you what you need.
Love you hun..(((hugs)))
Love in the Bible is a verb not an emotion. To love someone means to serve them.
Most wives think, “if my husband would just…., then I could be happy and then I would love him. This is not how it works. To love your husband you must submit to him and meet his needs and the joy you desire from the marriage relationship comes through fulfilling your responsibility to him.
Loving God is no different than loving your husband. They joy that you desire from the embrace of the Lord will not come until you fulfil your responsibility to love Him. To love God, you must submit and obey His commandments.
Hi Heather, I am saying a special prayer for you today. May God Bless you each and every day. Hugs. Sandy
((hugs)) Yeah. Thank you. I”m sorry about the picture… I honestly didn’t think it was that bad. But I took it down. ((hugs))
<3
Just keep walking–one step at a time. When you get there, you will say, “I’ve been here all along and just didn’t know it!!”
When I was a baby christian, I would here people talk about being with Jesus, and I would pray and pray cause I “wanted to be with Jesus”, but I never was, I only felt peace. One day while I was doing this, the Lord spoke to me and said ” I am the peace you are feeling”!!! I didn’t know!!! I was waiting for something totally different, just didn’t know what.
(((HUGS)))
HI hon, hope you are having a good day……………I am on back up puter.
MY mainframe was destroyed.
EVERYTHING LOST…just another attack from the enemy! BUT I wont bow down.. GOD WILL OVERCOME in the end……I am HIS SERVANT~
I hope you are doing well and having a wonderful day………..love to you Robin
Hey Heather, you are in my prayers today. If you ever stop trying to do this yourself, you will have a major breakthrough. No one is angry with you, it is the love that we have for you, wanting to see you get a release that we keep coming. You will get your breakthrough. I don’t mean to sound cruel or heartless because I know that you are hurting, but stop feeling so sorry for yourself, be thankful that you have a wonderful husband who loves you and treat you like you should be treated. Be thankful, that things aren’t the way they used to be. Be thankful for having a pastor that you can talk to. Be thankful for the beautiful children that you have. Be thankful that the abuse has stopped. Just be thankful that God has brought you this far. Praise him for that. love you
Heather…
I am just sitting here crying for you and for me and for all of those who are hurting so much and just keep having people give us the feeling like we are failing. Someone came up to me Friday night and told me about a lady whose daughter had asthma and she managed to work full time AND get her graduate degree and she didnt understand why I couldnt do that. I just wanted to cry. I am so upset that there are people here who are putting so much pressure on you to perform to thier level religiously and almost demand that you have a breakthrough cuz they feel want you to. Please please please just be yourself and travel at your own pace. You are so beautiful and I can hear in your words that the pressure they are putting on you is NOT building you up, but tearing you down and making you feel like you are constantly below thier level of spirituality. You arent you know, you are just as precious and equally as spiritual as anyone who knows Christ. I know they will probably not like me for writing this… but you need to walk at your own pace. Maybe you wouldnt feel like you were going so slowly and having so many problems accepting things, if people wouldnt keep putting so much pressure on you to be someone you arent and to feel things you dont and going at a pace that you cant manage. You are doing just fine and I love you and respect you and I think you are courageous and deeply committed to God and I just wish people would walk with you rather than throw all of this pressure on you.
I can show you how to do a protected post if you would like.
With tears and love…
Marlene
Heather, I sent you an email.
Hi Heather,
I hope you are having a good day. God Bless you.
Hugs,
Patty
YES!! YES…. the man who wrote those quotes must really understand! I could not describe very well my “release” but I did know it was very much a scary “leap”. He describes it perfectly… he is right…it is the “final leap into darkness; “Father, into Your hands I commend my spirit.” It feels like a “leap unto death”, it is all or nothing, and it is a “death” of sorts. It is the death of self-will… a crucifixion of the “flesh”. The leap into the unknown is frightening, but it is only AFTER you make the leap do you realize that what you thought was a “darkness” gets torn like the veil of the Temple and it bursts forth into a beautiful light of peace! That is the transforming “glory” that will shine from within and draw others to our glorious Lord! Love, Bee
OH HEATHER…..no one is angry sweets…………….I SEE ON YOUR PAGE and all around XANGA the outpouring of GODS love for you….the m any who care so much for you GENUINELY…the many who could have just given up LONG ago…..but wont…………..GODS LOVE is amazing and in HIS PEOPLE through HIM is more so…………………HE sends the people to you for a reason HEATHER to love you through this……………it takes time….KEEP YOUR CHIN UP!
HE IS THERE with you…………………..and he is WATCHING EACH STEP…CARRYING YOU THROUGH THE SAND……………look behind you………………….see those FOOTPRINTS…………..amen.
HAVE A GLORIOUS DAY LOVE YOU ROBIN
I’m just stoked that you’re reading Brennan Manning….truly my favorite author of all time. And Relentless Tenderness in indeed a favorite. My favorite book of all time is Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Mannnig, but the only book to every actually bring me to weep is Abba’s Child by Brennan as well. Thats phenomenal.