February 9, 2005
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I’ve never met a man who has given me as much trouble as myself.” – Dwight Moody
I can relate to the above. I found that on Chris Long’s Laugh and Lift site http://www.laughandlift.com
I can relate to this because after my childhood, I lived a life that caused me more trouble. I remember a Bible study once on Moses when he inflicted plagues on Pharaoh to convince Pharaoh to let the Israelites go.
Our pastor talked about the magicians in Pharaoh’s court and how they replicated the first plagues Moses did. So they were able to make bloody water, a snake, etc. But when they made these it did not help the situation any. It only made things worse, more bloody water when Pharaoh needed clean water. If they wanted to help Pharaoh, they should have alleviated the plague, but they couldn’t.
My pastor’s point is that when satan comes in the midst, instead of improving the situation, he always makes it worse, complicates the situation, or confuses the situation.
So when I started rebelling, I ended up doing the very things that were done to me to hurt me as a child. Even though I did them under my “control” it did not make things better, in fact it just increased the shame and hurt that I felt from what happened to me complicated by what I later did.
Sometimes I see the self-destructive behavior of those I come in contact with, and my heart goes out to them, I know how much they are hurting, and I see them hurting themselves more. Hurt never eases hurt.
As a child I used to hurt myself, as a way of not reacting and preserving my life. It was much better to bite the inside of my mouth to draw blood, poke a fingernail into my palm, pull my hair out piece by piece,or do something to hurt another part of my body than to react to what my father was doing. A wrong look, a jerking back, the wrong words, too many tears, too few tears, were things that literally could get me killed.
I once volunteered at Covenant House in New York to help runaways. One little boy came in lugging his teddy bear and a few possessions. When he told us why he ran away it was because he got a bad math grade and he was afraid his mom would kill him. When he let us call her, he was home within the hour. His fear about his mom killing him was not actual. She was worried beyond all hope for his safety. I was glad for him because in my case the fear was actual.
Another child I was working with finally came to the point of letting me call his mom. I called his mom and told her where her son was and she said, “Keep him, I don’t want him.” My heart bled for that child. It was heartrending to have to tell him what his parents said. We were able to place him in a group home, but I know that child was devastated, I knew the courage it took to let us call his parents, and how crushed he was afterwards.
I was glad to be able to help the children there, now I don’t live in New York City anymore, so I reach out in other ways. So many parents hurt their kids in so many ways, too much hurt.
As a child I used to listen to the other kids talking about their parents killing them for this or that action. In my case, it wasn’t like the little boy with the teddy bear, it was real. They had already attempted my life three times. I lived in terror, and it took every ounce of control to stay alive.
I once got beaten because a teacher wrote on a report card that I acted like a 52 year old adult. I was old beyond my years. I think abuse does that to a person, makes them age in actions. So I had to set about figuring out how to imitate a kid’s behavior. The kids (cruel at that age) could sense the fraud. But it was a fine line between acting like a kid to fool a teacher or being beaten by the kids after school because they knew I was an easy target.
What ended up happening was that I looked at the world through eyes of abuse and knew that I was different, I had to fake normalcy, I had to pretend that what was happening to me did not repulse me, I had to control emotions to protect my life, and I had to do that all alone, without even a sense of comfort from God.
Small wonder that somewhere along the way I lost myself in the process. Then turned the hurt against myself. Now God want’s a real relationship, or so the Bible says. But when you spent your life as an imitation, where is the real you? Reminds me of the game show, To Tell the Truth, when three contestants pretended to be a person versed in a particular career. The panel would ask questions and try to figure out who was the one who was the real lion tamer, or doctor, or whatever.
I don’t know where the real Heather is, she got lost a long time ago. In fact Heather is not the name my family gave me, I picked a nickname as a teen because I wanted so to divorce myself from my past that I thought a new name would do it, so legally I am not Heather.
Now if I can’t access those protected parts of me, parts that were locked up and the key lost, how can I ever pretend to have a real relationship with God or anyone for that matter. Sometimes I think that when hurt is so bad, there really is no way to repair the damage, just muddle along. Not sure even God could get in there and do much with the pieces of me.
I have to let my husband on the computer, but will be back later to share some of last night’s Bible study, but it is a hard one to try to sift into writing.
Heather
Comments (21)
Hmmmm you have such a incredible way of expressing yourself. I just want to give you a great big hug and cry with you. Maybe the Heather that was is no more, mabye she is to broken to pick up the peices. But there is a new Heather and she is one of the most honest and beautiful people I know. She is caring and loving and is not afraid to walk with others through thier pain. She is searching for the truth always and has broken the cycle of abuse that she grew up with. She is made up of the past peices that used to be, but they have been added to and strengthed and now the new Heather is stronger and wiser, but she still has those cracks. Even though they are glued together and sometimes hurt, she is strong and has made a place for herself in this world.
You are finding peices of yourself slowy over time. You find them, look at them, try to mend them and then you find the place that they belong and you fit them into your life like a jig saw puzzle. Some of those peices dont belong to the new heather and wont fit, and in time they are discarded. There is so much new you that the old ones are not compatitble anymore. But they still need to be looked at. I sometimes wonder about myself, if I was not under so much stress and in so much pain and anxiety all the time…what would I be like. Because I know I am only a shell of what I could be. But this is the life I have to walk, and so I do the best I can. Like you sometimes I compare myself to others and wonder why things are not as easy. But we need to remember that our lives and our walks will look different than others lives and walks. We are all grown out of different backgrounds and experiences and although many want to juxtapose thier experiences on us, it doesnt always work. It is good to be encouraged and to hear of others walks and struggles, but remember that you are precious just the way you are. You have courage and strength and kindness that constantly astound me and touch me deeply. As you continue to walk the peices of your past will keep popping up, but with each piece you find and look at you are a stronger you.
I am not sure if that made any sense at all…but this I do know…Heather is a beautiful person to me and although it may not be that clear to you, I can see you in all of your wonderfulness.
Marlene
Hi Heather, I am working now, but I read the post. I want you to know that I love you and I have a lot to say to you and as soon as I can I will be back. Even with this post, I believe that you are breaking through. Thank you for being honest, that is the most important step…again I love you, you are precious.
Wow…Marlene’s response was awesome, and she worded it more beautifully than I could have. I know how you feel, in a way, about not really knowing who you are…but my circumstances for that are not nearly that extreme. I count myself fortunate for not having to go through anything like what you went through. But I understand…I feel like I’m doing what Marlene said…putting the jigsaw puzzle back together.
And God knows EVERYTHING about you…so He should be the one person you can truly have a real relationship with…b/c you don’t have to reveal yourself over time, or explain anything…He knows.
Poem by Russell Kelfer in the Purpose Driven Life book…
You are who you are for a reason.
You’re part of an intricate plan.
You’re a precious and perfect unique design,
called God’s special woman or man
You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb,
You’re just what he wanted to make
The parents you had were the ones the chose,
And no matter how you may feel,
They were custom-designed with God’s plan in mind
And they bear the Master’s seal.
No, that trauma you faced was not easy,
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into his likeness you’d grow
You are who you are for a reason,
You’ve been formed by the Master’s rod.
You are who you are, beloved,
Because there is a God.
I am sorry about everything you had to go through in your childhood. As a 21 yr old person myself, I too experienced alot of heartache since the age 3 or 4. I had to grow up very fast. Alot of ppl said I was way matured for my age in my early to late teens. Experiences in life defines who we are. Nothing is perfect, but God perfect us in every way. It takes time to heal from all past hurts, but know that God sees you as His perfect child and has forgiven those who’ve hurted you and you for hurting yourself. I’ve heard this phrase ‘Hurting ppl hurt ppl’. I’m guilty of that, but we must learn how to forgive ourselves first and learn that God is also always and have been always with us in order to move on. You are who you are to God’s eye not matter how much you (in general– not exactly you) lie to yourself. Our Father loves us unconditionally. Wow, your testimony made me want to cry! I love you, be blessed and peace, Always, ~E
Ummm - - Wow.
Your posts are very touching and I often find myself at a loss for what to say or how to offer help, but it occurred to me when I read this one
you said
“But when you spent your life as an imitation, where is the real you?”
I had a less than happy childhood. I would not like to go bean for bean with you on this one, as I’m sure mine was less tormented than yours, but I still was not a happy child. There was divorce, remarriage and abuse. But what it took me a long time to realize is that those things are all a part of who I am (good or bad).
You having to pretend or imitate normalcy has given you an enormous amount of self control. I don’t joy in the method in which you learned it, but you’ve learned it none-the-less. What a wonderful attribute to have, that so many others in this world lack. Self-control. Being able to control one’s self.
Maybe your set-back to getting where you want to be in your relationship with God is not in trying to “find Heather” but in trying to accept that you ARE Heather (with all the baggage included). What an uninteresting person you might be without all of your “baggage”. What’s in the past, can’t be changed, but maybe you can make “lemonade” with the lemons you’ve been given (sorry, very cliche, I know).
Luke 12:48
For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more.
Only God can give beauty for ashes.
Heather…..( above poem and book PURPOSE DRIVEN LIFE) helped me tremendously! AMEN…
FIRST and foremost TY so much for your support and prayers for my illness….that is special…I want you to know though. I am still here standing with you…no matter how bad I feel.
When I read this I had to cry through it. I so relate to you. It hurts me to watch my daughters today. Hurt themselves too……my youngest for years used to dwell on pain * hence all her peircings and tattoos* she is only 21 and has over 20 tattoos and I cant count the peircings….
My oldest…..she just refuses to be around me period…she plays the part of I love you mom…but dont be near me. I did the same thing with my mom..SO I know that part real well!
BUT GOD has been really working on the first one I mentioned my youngest child. She lives here with me. She has a heart of Gold…she has a calling like none other….like I had……and I feel my other daughter has it too. BUT too scared………….I didnt release myself fully to GOD until I was in my early 40s…yes thats right! I am only 44.
I have always felt I was a christian. And GOD ALWAYS loved me..this is true……..BUT the moment I FREED myself and surrendered……was after I had a stroke in 2000 and almost died. I then knew GOD was serious. HE came to me and said this is it. NOW OR NEVER. NOW what I havent told you was in my earlier years of life say around 12 or so..I started running away from home…away from the torture and abuse….to more abuse out in the street…………….when my mom or the police would find me they would bring me home..etc…it went on for years…till I met up with a great guy in this club one nite singing…………I was 16 years old back then you could get in anywhere at that age…..he let me sing back up vocals..for him…and pretty soon I was going in every weekend and singing……it was the best time of my life even though I was still going through so much…….well this man got a deal with his friend to go sing with a band ( which become a very popular band back then) called the Pure Pairie League…….and I ran away and went with him and sang with them a bit……………….then went back home…………….this man is NOW the infamous VINCE GILL….!………….The only thing besides probably my children good that I felt for YEARS that ever came out of my life….
Some day I will have to post my whole testimony of my WHOLE years on my site there is so much more……..
I could go on and on and on…….BUT as I look back today at my life….I can only say that GOD HAD A PURPOSE for each day. AS PAINFUL or AS GOOD as each may have been. I AM ALIVE and I AM GRATEFUL for that…..I am in LOVE WITH GOD MORE TODAY then I ever have been…………..and I know that there were people like me…that stood with me……in times that I felt like you…………walking in those baby steps…………………..AND THEY never gave up on me……….and I will never GIVE up on you…………….! BECAUSE GOD would never let me….
LOVE YOU ROBIN
Heather you have no idea what a blessing you have been to me this day!!!!! Thank YOU sooo much for the comment….it hit me in the heart…..thank you for sharing with us like you did in this post…..i am at a loss for words…..hon…..Love ya!!! Prayin for you!!!! Gloria
Heather….can you go to my site…..and email me…:) through the email me …..link…! Thanks babe…hugs Robin
Hey Heather, well… I’m certainly disheartened to hear that someone could even think about comparing losing a child to losing a pet… Stupid and thoughtless. And you’re absolutely right, listening and loving is necessary, in order to bridge the gap between two different souls. It’s the example that Jesus set us… He’d walk around to the harlots, the crippled, the one’s that people loved to hate… Look them in the eye, tell them they were beautiful, and just sit and socialize with them… He asked them to come and dine with Him, to share in fellowship… I can really imagine sitting next to Him, and seeing Him look into the eyes of the people around Him who’d never before been allowed to dine with society, asking them to tell Him their stories, laughing with them, all the while seeing the socially elite out of the corner of His eye, pointing fingers and scoffing… They even asked His disciples why He’d do such a thing… Jesus overheard that, and do you know what He said? “It’s not the whole who need a physician, but the sick.” He didn’t sit in the church all day rattling mindless theological talk… He was in the ghettos, in the hospitals, in the divers places… In the world, for better verbage… Listening and loving. So thank you for sharing that with me… I’m really glad we stumbled across each other… And please, PLEASE know, that if you ever need anyone to listen to you, or to love you… Or anything else… I’m always a click away. Peace friend, Audra, John 14:18
Hi… just wanted to let you know, I left a little note for you on snowberries site … just to keep the context. Love, Bee
I just read your comments today at Steve’s site. Here’s my reply (copied)…
Heather – My wife was abused through her youth. She has a lot of trouble with God’s authority even today. What I struggle to convey, and she knows it intellectually but I’m not sure ever took to heart, is that what people in this world (esp her father) do to her is what people do. It isn’t what God does. That’s the problem with free will. Some use it for their own pleasure, serving satan by acting on temptations. Why did it keep happening? You may as well ask why Florida got 4 hurricanes last year. The issue isn’t the rain. The issue is the shelter. My wife’s mother would have dead from a bullet to the head if not for the hand of an angel deflecting it. This is one of many supernatural events my wife tells about her childhood. There was both good and bad, but the Lord’s angels were there and did not allow the enemy to devour the children. Injur, yes. Mentally, emotionally, physically, even sexually, yes. But the body was not destroyed and the soul was not consumed. Satan can only have what you give him.
I remember you once said you were named after someone named Shirley. So was I. That is my GodMother’s name. Her nick-name was Lee so that was to be my name. Thankfully, my Dad liked Vivian Leigh, so that’s how I got the spelling. Technically Ann is just my middle name on my birth certificate, but I never go by my first name alone. Only my Dad, brother and Uncle call me Leigh, and I don’t want anyone else to get any bright ideas and start.
Heather is a beautiful name. It is who you are. Whether you chose the name or someone else chose it for you does not matter. Funny, when I think of Heather, I think of Brigadoon. No idea why.
You often talk about not knowing God’s presence or feeling like you have to reach out to him. Maybe you are too close to see it. He is there with you Heather. He is working with you and through you. I see it in your loving encouragement to others, especially to me. He is working with you in ways that you may not be able to fully appreciate this side of heaven. You don’t have to reach out too far. He is right there. I can see it in your heart.
(hug)
There is so much in that I relate to and agree with. The way hurting yourself seems better. The way the hurt never seems to cease. The heartwrenching stories of the kids, including you. Not knowing who you are and having protected parts. Abuse aging action…
((((((hugs)))))))
Indeed, too many know. Aww… thank you.
((hugs))
You’re amazing yourself.
xXx
Heather,
Im still praying for you.
Hugs,
Patty
Praying for you here too….One day the real “you” will come forth and she will be a beautiful creature!!! One made and created by our Almighty Father–THEN, you will understand things you don’t understand now….
Heather
Thank you so much for the comment on my xanga, it encouraged me VERY very much!
I hope you are having a great week!
Love ya!
-Taryn
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. The only thing that comes to mind about knowing who Heather is, is that God does know who you are and is helping you to find out as well. Bless you!
We are def our worst enemy.
It was a one time thing so no worries. I still don’t know what she was trying to say, hah.
Hehe, snow days.
((hugs))
<3
I love that quote.
You’re so amazing, so strong and inspiring. Thank you so much for sharing your story, for reaching out to those kids, for reaching to those of us here on xanga. Your kind words have done so much for me that I will be forever grateful for.
Losing sense of self… it’s sad how a lot of us just lose it and don’t realize until it’s gone and we have no idea where to look anymore. But maybe creating a new self wouldn’t be so bad, do you think? Perhaps God meant it to be that way. We’re meant to change, meant to grow. But that’s just my idea on it. Maybe I’m way off base about what you were even talking about. If that’s the case, I’m sorry.
Thank you for your time and love. It’s returned in hopes that it could come off even half as meaningful.