Still reading: Yancey , Where is God when it hurts?

Two more interesting points on p. 70

“The megaphone of pain sometimes, of course, produces the opposite effect: I can turn against God for allowing such misery. On the other hand, pain can, as it did with Chesterton, drive me to God.”

and

“It is hard to be a creature. We think we are big enough to run our own world without such messy matters as pain and suffering to remind us of our dependence. We think we are wise enough to make our own decisions about morality, to live rightly without the megaphone of pain blaring in our ears. We are wrong, as the Garden of Eden story proves. Man and woman, in a world without suffering chose against God.”

 

The last quote drew me up sharp. One of my belief systems states that if I had not received the abuse I received, then I would not have made so many wrong choices. Maybe that is true, but I can’t deny that two who lived in paradise also chose against God. Maybe I would have made some of the same mistakes even if I had lived in a home filled with love. Who knows.

The other thing is that I often think that the world would be a better place without pain and suffering. But maybe there is some benefits for it. Yet, I think some have an unequal share of pain, and that angers me.

Perhaps a value in God is that belief in Him pulls us out of the immediate pain, and gives us a broader perspective. I still wish I was not blind to where He was when I was a kid.

Heather

Ah, the joys of winter. Still sleeting, probably school will at least be delayed two hours. Road are unsafe and curvy around here. Two concerts got cancelled, the middle school and high school. Friday was the snow day scheduled by both, so who will perform. My daughter needs shoes for performance and is in a snit. The kids are hoping for another snow day. I sort of am too. It would be nice to have things a bit easier for them. Christmas vacation was so short. I also have to figure out how to get to church to type the bulletin, I may have to wait until Saturday which the kids won’t like because the want to ski. sigh.

Still reading Yancey’s Where is God when it hurts.

From previous post suggestions and this book I want to bat around a few ideas.

Yancey pointed out that Dr. Brand worked with leoprosy patients, and that the problems they have are because they stop feeling pain in their extremities as a warning system. That Dr. Brand worked hard to try and invent a device that would warn patients when they were taxing their hands. Problem was buzzers did not work, nor did any other indicator except pain. That the mild jolt was the only thing that would make a patient stop doing what they were doing. But at the same time, if they were to do something taxing, sometimes the patient would turn off the device so that they would not feel the jolt. That pain is a way of our body to protect itself, physical pain that is.

Yancey then points out that there are a lot of paradoxes in our lives, pleasure/pain, joy/sorrow, etc. and to fully know one you almost have to have the other as a contrast.

Yancey says, “Much of the suffering on our planet has come about because of two principles that God built into creation: a physical world that runs according to consistent natural laws, and human freedom. By commiting himself to these two principles, both good principles in themselves, God allowed for the possibility of their abuse.”

He goes on later in the book to say, “As a result of our freedom, human beings introduced something new to the planet—a rebellion agaist the original design.”

This is where I am in the book.

I also know that God had to give my father free will to choose his actions and I can see that. But sometimes with my kids, I give them choices. If they consistently make bad choices there are consequences. I cannot let them blow off homework or hurt a sibling, so I intervene. Sometimes I stand back first to see if they can solve the problem themselves. If not, I step in.

It sometimes seems that in my life God just stood back and watched. I could have used some major intervention.

One interesting thought came to mind. Mrs. Tiggy Winkle’s comments struck a chord. There is a lot of pain in her life and she has a firm grip on Christ. I think that maybe going through the storm with a firm grip on Christ may make a world of difference. It might help somewhat. But then again, since I have never really had a firm grip on Christ, then maybe I do not know what I am talking about.

As a child I barely knew about Christ, as my family never went to church. The little I learned about from tv and radio did not constitute a relationship. Perhaps that is why He didn’t intervene. Maybe my problems were harder because there was no God, and I did quit on God when I was 8. I would give anything to find the way God was there early on.

It seems that many Christians do have doubts, fears, and worries. That they do work through them. I have a hard time just quoting scripture and claiming stuff. One line that is used on me a lot is to leave the past behind and move on. I cannot do that at this time, I do not drag the past around, but to just push it down, and move on, and quote the “party” line of Christianity seems fraught with potential disaster. What if another crisis comes up, would that drive me back, would that drive me away because then my false leaving the past behind would crumble.

I am wrestling with these God issues. and some new ideas are coming to mind. I don’t know what to do with them exactly.

One is that God is the wrong one to be angry at. Someone once told me I should be angry with my parents for what they did. Even though they are dead, I still have terror at that idea. I guess having a gun pointed at your head makes a deep impression. They cannot hurt me now, but the fear is still there. Others say to be angry at satan. That makes sense, but I think there is fear about that as well. I know Jesus is the victor, but there is still a lot of hurt. Maybe God is safer. My kids come home from school and take out there frustrations on us, we are the safe ones. They are not malicious, but they cannot take out frustrations on teachers or peers, so we get the brunt of their attitudes. I wonder if that is somewhat what I am doing with God, using him as a way to vent some of this stuff. I hope that God understands.

I know that turning this around is something that I strive for. I do reach out to other hurting souls and that helps, but it also hurts.

I know that at one point the disciples asked Jesus what would happen with John. Jesus told them that basically what he wanted to happen would happen, that they needed to be concerned about their own works for Christ (bad paraphrase, but I think you know what I mean). I guess I still am envious of those who had loving parents. I want so much to have that kind of trust with God and peace.

I think that there is a part of me that is a little, hurting girl that needs comforting. I hate that girl because she is the vulnerable one, and that spells danger in my dictionary. But I suspect that that is the vulnerabilty Jesus wants when he mentions little children. So Jesus and I are at an impasse’.

I am also wanting Christ so much, and running at the least approach of Him.

There is a lot of conflict. I also know it isn’t all about me. Given my posts here, it sounds like I am bound up in a pity party sometimes. This is one aspect of me that I do not really show the world. The world has a way different impression of me, as a caring, giving, volunteering, helping and loving mom. I do not show these doubts and fears except here. Please bear with me as I sort this stuff out. I want a solid relationship with Christ built on solid footing. And that means sorting this stuff out somehow.

Thanks for bearing with me.

 

Currently reading: Where is God When it Hurts? by Philip Yancey

Today I begin the study on the Overcomers in Revelation.

Another snowday for the kids. No school, I suspect a postponed winter concert. We had been spoiled by warm weather for so long, now there is 7 inches and still snowing. The ice is coming later.

 

Today I was thinking about how we can be changed on the outside, but our flesh laggs behind. I know that we have to choose to believe what the Bible says, and try to act on it. But sometimes it is so hard to do that, it is like baby steps. I am still new to this, coming up to my two year anniversary, so am not coming at this with years of Christianity under my belt.

Faith is a hard thing. If something becomes tangible, it ceases to be faith. It then becomes reality. Sometimes I think faith is like operating in the land of makebelieve. I grew up in a fantasy world, it was the only place that the horrors of what was going on in my life did not touch me. But it was just that, fantasy.

I watch some of the TV preachers, and read some of the books by the name-it, claim-it sort of teachings. Sometimes I think it is presumptuous. There are promises in the Bible, and I know that God does not lie, but are the promises there for everybody, or are they case specific? Sometimes a promise is quoted, like the one that is used for soliciting funds, that you will receive abundantly, pressed down… and when you look at the context you realize that they are talking not about money, but about the Holy Spirit and love. It might change the promise if the context is looked at.

Also, some in our church have been teaching about having faith for something, because you will have whatever you ask. They say that it is lack of faith if you ask and then say, “If it is in your will.” I have a problem with that, because I know my track record of asking things isn’t that good.

When I asked God to stop my father from raping me, he didn’t answer. Was it his will that this went on? Was I not asking in faith so no answer from God? When I was asking, I only knew vaguely about God from TV.

I would love to think that maybe God knows more about what is best for us than we do. How many times have we felt that a certain person is the right one for us only to find out that it was the wrong choice? How many things depend on our choices, how much do our choices affect our lives and the lives of those around us. I am so fallible, how can I pretend to really know what is best for me. At one time I thought best was being dead. We act on impulse.

So how does one pray? How does one ask in faith? What to believe for? So many questions.

Heather

Matthew 22: 1-14 in light of Revelation is an incredible read!

Heather

The nicks we pick.

I was thinking about the various nicks I have come across on Xanga.

I picked wondering at a time when I was very angry at God and was wondering where He was, why He did what he did, etc. I still have those wonders. But there is a more hopeful aspect that someone pointed out to me once. I am not there yet. That is wondering what good things will come across my path now that God is there. I dare not think on that aspect of wondering.

My other nickname – Heather is part of one I picked when I was in the hippie days. I picked the name Heather Dawn when I made the decision to not kill myself at the age of 18. Heather (a plant growing, live and living) and Dawn (a rebirth, a reawakening, a coming anew). That was pretty much what is happening to me, but it has taken a long time to grow somewhat into that name, just as it will probably take a long time to grow into the positive aspect of wondering.

My parents did not bother to name me, my sister had to come up with my legal name. She named me after Shirley Temple, and I do not fit that name at all. I do not sing or dance very well. I do sing in the car, but save the ears of those around me by not singing loudly in public.

If you want, please share how you picked your nick.

I will write about other things later, my kids are home and restless. It is a snow day and they are talking about 4-9 inches. So probably a snow day tomorrow too.

Heather

Not doing too well today. Please keep me in your prayers. There is a lot of stuff going on inside, and my kids are bickering which keeps things stressful. I am praying, but feel too scattered to focus much.

Spoke with my brother and sister recently, and as usual, that seems to stir up memories. Will the past ever be the past. I am just a raw and aching emotional sore right now.

An interesting study note, had to look up the term “Amen” as it is used in Revelation 3:14. I never realized this about the word and want to check it out.

Spiros Zodhiates’ “The Complete Word Study Dictionary”

its Strong’s number is 281: it says, “In the entire NT, only the Lord Jesus uses amen at the beginning of a sentence as a word of affirmation. Throughout the Gospel of John, the Lord uses the word amen doubled in John 1:51, “Amen, amen, I say unto you,” or “Verily, verily, I say unto you,” which could be rendered, “I who am the Amen [Truth itself] tell you as a most certain and infallible truth.”

Each of the four gospels end with amen.

It also means consent or desire, so be it, and as such concludes prayers.

In Revelation 1:7; 22:21 it is used as a noun referring to the Lord Jesus with implication of His faithfulness and true witness (Rev. 3:14).

Found it interesting and want to see if this is true about Jesus using the Amens at the beginning of his sentences.

Please take care of yourselves and thanks for keeping me in your prayers.

Heather

Have been doing a Kay Arthur study on Revelation, and looking at Jesus’ messages to the churches. It has brought to mind a few things.

A dream I had were I was brought to a room, a chapel, and told to pray for the seven chruches. That is why I am studying this, so that I know what to pray.

A lecture I heard by Beth Moore, where she had people sit on the stage in roped off areas, each area represented a different denomination: Catholic, Baptist, Non-denominational-Protestant, etc. And there were women sitting in each roped off area. Beth Moore said that in each of the churches the Holy Spirit is moving and touching a few people in the church. Not all are touched by the Holy Spirit (even in a spirit-filled church) not all are touched. And at some point God will raise up the spirit filled people and they will reach across denominational borders to do the work of the spirit. And then the artificial boundaries of denominations will be gone.

Each denomination thinks that they have the right handle on truth, and I suspect that each denomination has a lot of truth and some not truth in their thinking. We are humans, in the flesh, and we are so striving towards what God is really saying. I suspect that we all see the scriptures with cloudy mirrors, and strive to see more clearly.

In the study of Revelation, Jesus talked to the churches and he gave commendations, and reproofs. I have been struck by how each of us is in essence part of all of the seven churches for Christ says that he who has ears to hear, let him hear what the spirit says to the churches (plural).

Ephesus:  You have left your first love.

Oh, how I often wonder if I have done that in the short time that I have been a Christian. Some things that were so special, I take for granted. For me, though the opposite seems true, I seem to be trying to figure out how to love Jesus, how to let Jesus love me. There is passion at times, but a lot of the time I also draw back in fear. Love is a problem for me.

Smyrna: No reproof for that church. That would be awesome to be one that Christ found no reproof for. They were suffering much in their lifestyle, and they did not bend under the blasphemy of those surrounding them. They were poor in the flesh, but rich in the spirit. I still am at times swayed by the world around me and have to strive harder to resolve that.

Pergamum: Some hold to the teaching of Balaam and kept teaching Balak to put stumbling blocks before the sons of Israel. They ate things sacrificed to idols, committed acts of immorality, and some held to the way of the Niolatioans (who were sort of an agnostic form of Christianity)

Well, I did this before I became a Christian, and have done immoral things in my day, and certainly sacrificed to idols. Even today there are still idols in my life. Not pagan ones, but roots of bitterness, anger, and a lot of self-hate. The idols have changed, but I am praying to resolve that.

Thyatira: Tolerated Jezebel, led astray by her to commit acts of immorality and eat things sacrificed to idols. These people did a lot of good deeds, and some of their deeds were greater than at first, but how easy it is to get caught up in what is a false teaching. To give in a bit, to cast a blind eye to something that is wrong. But it can also be to be so pharasitical that you cause dissention as well. I pray that whatever I do in my church, it does not do anything to drive a wedge between anyone and God, by action or word, or inaction. I want to act out of love, not be a clanging gong or clashing cymbal.

Sardis: You have a name that you are alive but you are dead. How easy it is to put on an outward appearance of spirituality, do all the right actions and moves, but inwardly you are dead.

Sometimes I think that I am dead inside, that I have never once given all to Jesus, there is always reserve. I do not pretend on the outside to be what I am not, but I am still sort of spiritually dead inside, but there are buds. I just keep hoping that the Spirit of God keeps watering those buds. Just once I would love to be alive in the spirit, and filled with joy.

Philadelphia: No reproof – they had a little power, and Christ gave them an open door that none could shut. They did not deny His name in the face of great adversity. I don’t know if I am that bold in Christ yet, but that comes from feeling so inferior, that my sins make some statements hypocritical. I guess I have to work harder at believing that I am a new creation under Christ.

Laodicea: Lukewarm, Christ wants to spit them out, they feel rich and need nothing, but they are poor, naked, and miserable.

I don’t think I am lukewarm, but sometimes I feel that way, kind of inbetween, torn between reaching out and withdrawing. I need so much refinement from God that it isn’t funny.

Oh, how I hope that one day I can measure up to a point where Christ can say well done, good and faithful servant. But that seems almost an impossible dream.

Got to go and kiss daughter good night.
Thanks for listening,

Heather

Forgiveness,

Everytime I think I have a handle on forgiveness I discover a new layer that needs to be forgiven.

I struggled so much with forgiveness. I knew my parents were wrong for what they did. I knew that the damage that they did was irreparable. How could I forgive them.

I guess for me the breaking point was when I realized that I had broken all Ten Commandments. I had had an abortion at a time when I justified it by realizing that I was still hurting from my past and was afraid that I would do to my kids what was done to me in abuse. I was afraid to have that child. Before I gave birth to my first son, I actually asked my therapist if he felt that I would perpetuate the abuse. He said that I wouldn’t and I believed him. Fortunately he was right. My kids know they are loved.

When I realized how much sin I was forgiven for, it was hard to withhold forgiveness from others. But at that time I sort of had a meter for forgiveness. How could a big sin be forgiven. It was when I realized that I had committed murder (the abortion) that I realized that I was no better than them.

A pastor’s wife and I talked once, and she pointed out to me that my parents were dead, and I was still carrying them around with me because of unforgiveness. It was not easy to forgive them though.

I spent 40 days of lent praying for my parent’s souls. And then I had to pray that I would be willing to forgive them. It was like pulling teeth. They had hurt me so badly. But then I had hurt others in my life as well.

I usually do not keep the memories of the past fresh and alive in my mind the way they have been these days. But my older sister holds memories so tightly that she never has forgiven my parents for what they did to her. In fact her voice becomes bitter and angry just talking about my parents. She has ended up with multiple surgeries, cancer and lots of health problems. I keep talking with her about forgiveness because she is hurting so much, but she will not.

When I finally told God that in obedience I had to forgive them, I began. But it seems that each day there is more to forgive, layers and layers like an onion.

But there was also a release with the forgiveness, less of a burden.

One pastor explained to me about sin, using an analogy of milk. That if you put one drop of chocolate syrup in the milk it is no longer pure milk. It may look white like milk, taste like milk, but it is not milk because of the drop of chocolate syrup. Some put in lots of syrup, some just a few, but either way it is no longer pure, it is tainted. It is the same with sin, there is no one who is not tainted with sin in some area of their lives. All are in need of forgiveness.

I know I needed forgiveness.

Where I can’t forgive, is to forgive myself for my reactions to what happened.

I also wonder what I would do if my abusers were alive. I was able to forgive my sister (who is alive) for the abuse she did to me, but I think I would have been afraid of my father, and it has to be a lot harder to forgive if the people are alive and still able to hurt you.

Forgiveness is really not for the abuser. It is really for the person who forgives. We can forgive and receive release, but the abuser is still answerable to God and the law for what they did.

There is more, but my husband needs the computer.

Thanks for “listening”

Heather

Click on a title to be brought to the article.

2005

Matthew 24  
Signs of the End Times 
More Signs and Data  
Job, how God foretold what will happen, disasters  
More Signs, Homeland Security, Dollar Signs, Biochips  
Moral Decline, Rapture Scriptures, Computer called the Beast   
Indicators of the Beginning of the End Times 

Still Reading Ethics by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. Tough reading. In case some should wonder I am also doing a study in Revelation, so I spend more time in the Bible than I do in extra reading so it takes longer to process the books.

*************

Risking comments again, I was doing a lot of thinking about life today.

I realize that I really do not value my life. I know that God gave me life, and as a steward of that life I should live life to the fullest, do the most with my life, make my life count, serve God with my life. These are the shoulds.

With my life, I spent most of it not wanting to be alive or not wanted to be alive.

Before I was born, my father threw my mother down a flight of stairs because she was pregnant with me. She huddled in the cold until he passed out from the alcohol.

They, both my parents tried three times to kill me before I was 5. When they said obey me or I will kill you, I didn’t doubt their words for one second.

Where I found solace was in a fantasy world. I could go so far inside in this fantasy that I didn’t feel the beatings, or I felt them just enough to cry, but not to cry too much to get a worse beating.

At 8 when the worst stuff started happening, I hid a can of Draino in my room, a poison I could take if things got too bad. It was sort of a safety valve, knowing I had a way out. That is when my love affair with death started.

I do not know how many hours I spent wanting to die. As a teen, I began to squirrel away pills and things to make sure that I could die. At one point I would take whatever pill was given to me, regardless of what the effects might be, just wanting to deaden feeling.

I used to use pain to stop the hurt, you know digging fingernails into my palms to focus the pain elsewhere so that the hurt inflicted on other parts of my body did not hurt so much, that kind of thing.

I pulled back inside so deeply that nothing could touch me. Life was something to be observed, to watch from a distance, to imitate. I did not feel that I fully belonged to the earth. I was so different.

Oh, I knew I was different. The other kids did not face what I faced on a daily basis. They had no clue.

Once I realized how ruined I was by my father, I decided what did it matter what anyone did to my body, so I gave it away to whomever. I became an anybody – I did not matter. People wanted my body, and I figured that was all that they wanted, and maybe then they would like me.

At 17 I made a serious suicide attempt, got taken to the hospital and people began to realize that I was hurting. That was when I had to make that awful promise to stay alive until I was 18. I started to count hours, minutes, and seconds until my birthday.

When the pagans I met loved me, I reconsidered, and was very apologetic about changing my mind. I was sure they would be disappointed and that they would see me as a liar for wanting to live. But that was not the case.

No matter, I held all the pills in reserve just in case. Even to today, although I do not have my pill stash, I always know that there is a way out (but for the sake of my kids I do not take it).

I live so far removed from life. I am present for my kids and husband, but if left alone, I pull back inside and hide.

I know that we cannot hide from God, that God is there (at least that is what the Bible says), but if I could, I would also hide from God.

I wish I wanted life more. I like serving God, I like helping others, but sometimes I am sorry that God did not answer one of my three prayers when I was 8, the prayer that God would kill me since he wasn’t going to stop my father or kill my father.

There is beauty in life and creation, and I feel very ungrateful. Probably God is not pleased that I do not value this life as I should. I know one day I was walking and admiring creation, complementing God about the beauty. I was realizing how well all worked together, how each piece of creation fit into place. And the thought came to me that I too was part of the puzzle of creation and had my place. Oh that I could embrace life more fully.

I know that I count my blessings. Now things are much better, and I know that there are those who are hurting worse than me. I am trying so hard to let go of the things of the past and move forward. Sometimes I succeed for a short while, but then a memory creeps up. A cough, the other day a coo-coo clock rang two, and that was the time my father would usually come into my room at night. The sound of that clock triggered memories. It can be innoculous to others, but sometimes walking through life is like walking through landmines.

One benefit from what I have experienced is that as I work with kids, or go into the school to help out in one of my kid’s classes, children sense that I am safe to talk with, and I am sometimes able to speak a good word to them.

I am sorry that this stuff is still conflicting me. Sometimes I wish I had amnesia and could forget all that went before, but I know that if that happened, I would probably seek to retrieve the memories.

I pray to God to help me sort through these things, defuse them, but God is still not too helpful in this. Sometimes I just don’t get it.

One other thing I am grateful for is that my three children know they are loved, enjoy life, and seem happy. Their father is awesome with them, and I have at least been able to break the pattern and not pass it down to my kids.

Sorry for not being more upbeat.

Thanks for reading.

Heather