January 8, 2005
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Reading onward in Yancey’s Where Is God When It Hurts?
P. 146 “Self-sufficiency, which first reared its head in the Garden of Eden is the most fatal sin because it pulls us as if by a magnet away from God. The suffering and the poor have the advantage that their lack of self-sufficiency is obvious to them every day. They must turn somewhere for strength, and sometimes they turn to God. People who are rich, successfully, and beautiful may go through life relying on their natural gifts. But there’s a chance, just a chance, that people who lack such natural advantages may cry out to God in their time of need. …unless we learn dependence we will never experience grace.”
I keep thinking that this might be part of my problem. As a child the only way I survived was by pure self-sufficiency and control. I had to learn to control everything from facial expressions to reactions. One time my father slammed a plate of spaghetti on the table in front of me so hard that the objects on the table jumped, but I continued eating as if nothing happened. Had I jumped, pulled back I would have been beaten. I had to learn to control the number of tears I cried, too many got a beating for overreacting, too few got a beating for underreacting. If I looked scared, a beating, etc.
In school, due to the bullies, I had to imitate normal, I had to try and blend in all the while knowing I was an outcast. And the kids let me know I was an outcast, but I couldn’t let the teachers know or a letter would go home to my parents and another beating.
There was no safe place but to pull inside, bottle up the emotions, and put up the shields and armor to protect myself. I didn’t even dare cry a tear when I was alone for fear that if I cried then, I may not have the necessary control around them.
All this has led to feeling that it was up to me whether I survived my childhood. My reactions could mean the difference between life and death (and this was very realistic, my father shot a gun at me, the hole was in the wall for years as a reminder, my mom threw a knife and my father choked me until I passed out). I had no illusions that they wouldn’t kill me if I was out of control.
Then I controlled my sanity by death, knowing that I had a way out. And thus lost a fear of death that most people had. Death was my friend, my companion. I still berate myself because I never did myself in back then, then I would have been out of that situation. Perhaps God had a hand in that.
That control is not easy to lose. I don’t think I ever react naturally. Oh, I am better after years and years of therapy, but never once did I fully trust a therapist or any other person or God. I tend to walk through life as though it is tenuous, as if things could be taken away forever, so might as well keep some control.
You know the cartoons with the little angel and devil on a person’s shoulders making conflicting comments. I have a little censor on my shoulder commenting about my actions, telling me if I fit in or not, am I in enough control, not to let go, not to feel safe.
Some say it is a deliberate decision to trust and rely on God, If that were so, I would do it. I pray about it, today I was literally on my face about things with God. I do not like this conflict. Oh for a simple trust, a basic trust, a peace that passes all understanding. As it is we are circling each other. Remember the movie, 2001 A Space Odyssey, with the first scene the monolith, and the creatures reached out and touched it, backed off, etc. I am kind of like that with God, one baby step forward, 100 giant steps back. Afraid to reach out and grasp. Afraid that if I reach out, He won’t be there.
I think Yancey is right that suffering either drives a person away or if the person is luck drives them to God. It drove me away for many years, and only recently have I started trying to deal with God. I guess I am weaker than most mentioned in Yancey’s book.
Heather
Comments (11)
Much agree with your comment “read the bible through cover-to-cover first” Absultively!
Would love to hear more about your discoveries in Revelation. Kay Arthur is very good but I am not familiar with her endtimes time line. Would like to know more about her views on the Rapture, Tribulation, etc. Expect you are likely to post some things here. I will look forward to reading them.
Thank you.
I am wondering Heather, if what you see as weak, is in fact strong. You survived your childhood with your strength. You do not abuse your children by your strength. You are not reapeating the horrors of your parents by your strength. Is it possible that God gave you the strength to stand firm and survive and not repeat the abuse of your parents? The only way you survived and are the person you are today is that you are strong, not weak. You fought back in the only way you knew how, you survived. Not everyone does that you know. Your parents were weak, not you. When you cried out to God, he heard you. Maybe the inner strength you had to control your environment in order to survive came directly from him. Maybe the fact that you are such a beautiful spirit today and a loving mom, is a direct result of God intervening. I know you struggle so with where God was when you were being abused so badly. And just remember that when you feel that emotion it is a valid one. I just really believe that having the free will to do and choose our paths is crucial here. If we are only choosing God if we have to, then we are not choosing. And I know that begs the question why did God put us here to choose, why not just make us into heaven. Why let satan win, why let pain be so painful. To be honest there are things I would like to know, but I never will till heaven. There are just some questions that are unanswered…and no matter how frusterating and annoying that is..they remain unanswered. I have found that I have come to a place in my searching that I am content and at peace with those questions that were left unanswered. But I have been searching for many many years. I became a Christian at 13 and I am now 42. I have been searching for most of my life. My background is not like yours, but I grew up in an abusive home and hated my dad and sister so badly that I could taste it. My son almost died twenty years ago. So I have had more time to search and agonize. But there is peace ahead in your journey I promise you that.
I have to go now and roll the Sunday morning papers…I am not finished with my thoughts and I will be back later on today.
quickly…when I say let satan win, I dont mean ultimately…I meant in the sense that sin and pain came from satan and we have to live with that. I know and believe that satan is defeated and that Jesus won.
Just wanted to clarify that a min…
Hi Heather,
I did not mean that you made me think what I had to say wasn’t good enough. I just read what I was writing and felt it wasn’t good enough to encourage you through your struggles. Most of it was a repeat on what I said about not being able to choose every situation we encounter, but we are always free to choose how we spiritually react to what we are given or where we are led.
While we may have some choices on this earth, I do not think “free choice” means we can physically choose our lot in life. Lack of choice starts from the moment of our existence on this earth. We do not choose who we are born to, the time and place or culture to which we are born, if we are even ever given the chance to be born (I am not just referring to abortion … I had 4 miscarriages before my son was born), what we will look like, what our personalities will be like, etc. Some things like place and physical appearance can be changed by our choices, and personality may be able to be tweaked a little, but for the most part we are bound by what was given us from the beginning. Our freedom is spiritual. We are free to accept God’s grace or reject it, free to accept His love or reject it, free to hold on to anger or free to forgive, free to feel guilt or free to allow God to wash the guilt away before it eats away at us, this is the freedom of choice of which I speak and the only type of “choice” that I feel is supported by Scripture. No God does not have to let Satan win for a time, I also think He did not choose to either. I think He left that choice to man, as Joshua put it “If it is disagreeable in your sight to serve the LORD, choose for yourselves today whom you will serve …” (Joshua 24:15) Adam and Eve were told they were not to do something and that there would be consequence to their action if they did. God informed them of their options and what the aftermath would be, for good or evil, and they chose against His way … and He honored their choice. But He promised it will not always be this way. It is in this Promise that we have hope.
And no, I do not think you are weak for your struggles with God. I actually think that a “perfect faith” is sign of weakness. It shows either a lack of reasoning skills or complete denial of the evils that surround us. As long as you are struggling with God, you are “with God”. If you start understanding His ways too easily, I would be wary because that would mean you are beginning to create God in your image or how you want to perceive Him, but that would not truly be God. He is who He is, not who we make Him to be.
You are continually in my thoughts and prayers. {{{HUGS}}}
Leigh Ann
Alright I am back. Didnt get to go to church cuz alisha is running a temp. She doesnt seem sick, but is running a 102 fever.
And by the way, if you ever have any follow up questions on what I say please let me know. If I ever dont make sense in something I say let me know also. Sometimes I have so many thoughts in my head as I type it is hard to get them all down in an organised fashion! *smiles*
You said: “Some say it is a deliberate decision to trust and rely on God”….you know I really dont like these kinds of pat phrases…the cliches that well meaning but unknowledgable people like to throw around to fix people and feel good about it. I know that sounds kind of bitter, but golly I have been told so many cliches like that over my life of pain. Lets see what ones I have been told… “let go and let God”….”Everything that is happening in your life is because God willed it to happen”…”if you pray hard enough God will answer your prayers”….”Remember God is in control!” (this as I sit by my baby daughters hospital bed in intensive care as she is slowly getting worse and worse)…”don’t turn to comfort food, turn to God”….”Your faith is only as strong as your trust in God”….”anxiety is a sign of a lack of trust in God”…”If you have a close enough relationship with God, he will fill all your lonliness”…
I could go on and on….and really what do these really mean? If I was perfect maybe I could attain some of this pat advice…but so much of the time they make no sense to me and they are beyond my grasp to do. They are basically sending me to a place of guilt because I can’t do what they ask. Like in the statement “Some say it is a deliberate decision to trust and rely on God”. That is fine, but HOW? I have never found a way to just do these things that they tell me to do. It is like they want it to be an instantaneous happening rather than a process: I feel like “RIGHT NOW I SHOULD CHANGE!” But really life and healing and growing is a process. How is my anxiety over the things that happen in my life a lack of trust? I dont know how to not be anxious. Life is just not that simple. At least mine isnt and neither is yours. I think sometimes that people use these phrases as if they were Bible verses without realizing that without time and patience and healing humans cannot heal and move on. I have scars that I will never get rid of. I have some wounds that I am still working on. When I think back on the years of alishas cancer I still want to cry. It hurts so much. How will I ever get over the loss of my husband the way he used to be? How is God going to fill that void so there is no more pain.
Now I am not underestimating the power of God. But I have seen enough of life and lived through enough pain to know it is not as easy as people want it to be. I deal with anxiety all the time. Of course I know that in Phillipians 4:6 it tells me not to be anxious. I try! And I have made headway over the years. But the reason I am anxious is a lack of anyone helping me out when I was little. I never felt like I had anyone who would be there for me. And actaully I was right. But you know what…God also knows where my anxiety came from and how much I try. And he loves me for it. He doesnt condemn me for my lack of trust, he loves me for who I am and who I have become and who I am becoming. And actually I don’t think my anxiety is a lack of trust.
I think cliches are for those who really dont dig into what life and our relatinship to God is.( I really want to say cliches and pat phases are for the weak but I am not sure if I should or not) They slide so blithely off the tongues of those who have not really suffered. You and I know that healing is hard, and life is hard and pain is real and yet we want to understand as much as we can. But I truely believe that in the end our relationship with God will be so much closer than those who have not searched with a broken heart and a longing spirit.
Marlene
Well, luckily I can get on at my grandparents’ house. Hehe. “I hate it when wires don’t work and I want to be on line.” Me too! ::hugs::
I’ll see her today actually. Ah… yeah. I completely agree with the food addiction. It’s extremely difficult to recover from a drug addiction, having to deal with withdrawals and physiological cravings, but at least you don’t have to partake in drugs three times a day. Haha. It’s maddening.
Thanks for the thought. I will look into that, though I know SLC is a very good college. Great reputation. Ambitious students.
I hope you sleep better tonight.
::hugs::
Marlene, thanks for what you said. You are right, I guess I am strong in that I survived. Maybe God was there because I survived. It is an idea worth considering. Maybe I am just looking at it the wrong way. Perhaps it is just that there is so much hurt that God can’t get through yet, I don’t know.
I am so sorry you had a horrid past. I know what you mean about hate. I was too afraid of my parents to hate them even a bit because I was afraid it would show. But I can relate to hating a sister. That is a facet of my history you do not know, but I lived with her for awhile and there was abuse there as well. We have reconciled, but for a long time I hated her.
Leigh Ann, free spiritual choice is an interesting concept. I know that I have the freedom to choose how I react in a situation. Right now I have a blessed life, it is just the garbage of the past that is tough. I know that I made a lot of rotten choices, and lately in the past two years the quality of my choices has improved.
Interesting thought about the lack of struggle with God meaning creating God in your own image. Will never be guilty of that she says smiling – I have way too many doubts and fears.
Sometimes I feel condemned because people tell me that God wants faith, and in their way of thinking that implies no questioning, just blind acceptance,no doubts, no discussion with God. I guess I see it more as being honest. I sort of feel that God already knows what I am really thinking, so why pretend. And I have seen too many people who put on spirituality like make-up, and take it off when they are away from the church. I figure that if I am doubting, share it. The only exception being if I am around a new believer or an unbeliever, I might be careful of how I share the doubts and fears. I would not want to trip them on their paths.
Will continue a bit later, next step of dinner must occur, mashing potatoes for shephard’s pie.
Heather
I hope Alisha is feeling better. I hate it when kids have fevers for the are so not like themselves. When my kids lay down and do nothing it concerns me because they are normally so active.
I agree so much about pat phrases. They tend to serve two purposes. To puff up the speaker who is implying that they have it so much together, and to put down the person who is hurting. It can be very condemning.
Even with my teenagers, I know that I have to be careful how I point out their mistakes. Usually they know that they have made them and feel bad enough already so why make them feel worse. A hurting person knows that things aren’t right. Sometimes walking along with the person, just being there with them, and praying for them are better options. Of course, if opinions are asked, it is ok to share. But people do need to consider not overburdening a person. God, at least in my life, walks me through stuff very patiently. Very slowly, but it is progress none the less.
My pastor once told me that sometimes those who have instantaneous resolutions of problems, lose those after awhile because the foundation is shaken when a new problem comes up. But in my case, because my foundation is built bit by bit on the rock, it wil be strong. I think though that God does what is best for each person. Good that he sees us as individuals.
Neela!!!! Glad to hear from you, glad you are back on line. Glad you get to see her today! Will talk more later. Too bad you can’t get here for shephard’s pie – it is my kids’ current favorite dinner.
Heather
Heather…
Your childhood sounds alot like mine !
(other than my mom wasn’t abusive, she just never displined me our set rules for me, or encouraged me to be all I could be …which is not good either.) I was shot at and choked until my nose bleed . I was beaten because I allowed myself to be bullied at school and on and on !
It is difficult to overcome all the scars from a childhood such as this, but not impossible. Our heavenly Father is so not like our earthly fathers ! Hallelujah !
You can and will beat all of this and be who God has created you to be !
Lov in Jesus ! Tracy
Excuse me, I have a habit of random browsing of xangas… I came across yours through the comment you left on Neela’s site. I love the simplicity of the site and yet the depth of your words.
Control is an amazing thing… difficult to hold on to all too often.
I liked what you said about the trust in God and whether it’s a deliberate decision. I tend to ridicule myself for not being able to just go with it, to not just decide I need to believe that He will guide me. It’s not just something I find myself able to just jump into. I believe that is, at least, the sort of feeling you were going at.
Apologies if I’ve intruded. I love this site and with your permission would love to subscribe to it also. Best wishes and much love to you. The strength in you is amazing.
Hi shadetertiary, I left a note on your site, and I welcome you coming here. Look forward to “seeing” you again. My simplicity of site is due more to computer illiteracy than anything else, but simple is good too. I know what you mean by not being able to just go with trust in God. You are right, that was the kind of feeling that I was going at.
One good thing I am discovering about God is that he is not like those who abuse us, he does not push Himself on us, or make us move faster than we are comfortable with. He has the infinite patience that no one on earth has.
I know that I often said that when I had kids, I would give them my undivided attention, shower them with love, and fully appreciate them. I do give them lots of attention, lots of love, and most times appreciate them (unless they are bickering or hurting each other, then I get flustered, even though I still love them much) but I am human and there are days when I fall short of being the perfect parent I want to be. But God has not fallen short yet, but I am still being careful. Does that make sense?
Tracy, thanks for giving me hope. Some days I think there is a way out, other days, I don’t.
Hope you have a blessed day,
Heather