January 6, 2005

• Ah, the joys of winter. Still sleeting, probably school will at least be delayed two hours. Road are unsafe and curvy around here. Two concerts got cancelled, the middle school and high school. Friday was the snow day scheduled by both, so who will perform. My daughter needs shoes for performance and is in a snit. The kids are hoping for another snow day. I sort of am too. It would be nice to have things a bit easier for them. Christmas vacation was so short. I also have to figure out how to get to church to type the bulletin, I may have to wait until Saturday which the kids won’t like because the want to ski. sigh.

  
  

  Still reading Yancey’s Where is God when it hurts.

  
  

  From previous post suggestions and this book I want to bat around a few ideas.

  
  

  Yancey pointed out that Dr. Brand worked with leoprosy patients, and that the problems they have are because they stop feeling pain in their extremities as a warning system. That Dr. Brand worked hard to try and invent a device that would warn patients when they were taxing their hands. Problem was buzzers did not work, nor did any other indicator except pain. That the mild jolt was the only thing that would make a patient stop doing what they were doing. But at the same time, if they were to do something taxing, sometimes the patient would turn off the device so that they would not feel the jolt. That pain is a way of our body to protect itself, physical pain that is.

  
  

  Yancey then points out that there are a lot of paradoxes in our lives, pleasure/pain, joy/sorrow, etc. and to fully know one you almost have to have the other as a contrast.

  
  

  Yancey says, “Much of the suffering on our planet has come about because of two principles that God built into creation: a physical world that runs according to consistent natural laws, and human freedom. By commiting himself to these two principles, both good principles in themselves, God allowed for the possibility of their abuse.”

  
  

  He goes on later in the book to say, “As a result of our freedom, human beings introduced something new to the planet—a rebellion agaist the original design.”

  
  

  This is where I am in the book.

  
  

  I also know that God had to give my father free will to choose his actions and I can see that. But sometimes with my kids, I give them choices. If they consistently make bad choices there are consequences. I cannot let them blow off homework or hurt a sibling, so I intervene. Sometimes I stand back first to see if they can solve the problem themselves. If not, I step in.

  
  

  It sometimes seems that in my life God just stood back and watched. I could have used some major intervention.

  
  

  One interesting thought came to mind. Mrs. Tiggy Winkle’s comments struck a chord. There is a lot of pain in her life and she has a firm grip on Christ. I think that maybe going through the storm with a firm grip on Christ may make a world of difference. It might help somewhat. But then again, since I have never really had a firm grip on Christ, then maybe I do not know what I am talking about.

  
  

  As a child I barely knew about Christ, as my family never went to church. The little I learned about from tv and radio did not constitute a relationship. Perhaps that is why He didn’t intervene. Maybe my problems were harder because there was no God, and I did quit on God when I was 8. I would give anything to find the way God was there early on.

  
  

  It seems that many Christians do have doubts, fears, and worries. That they do work through them. I have a hard time just quoting scripture and claiming stuff. One line that is used on me a lot is to leave the past behind and move on. I cannot do that at this time, I do not drag the past around, but to just push it down, and move on, and quote the “party” line of Christianity seems fraught with potential disaster. What if another crisis comes up, would that drive me back, would that drive me away because then my false leaving the past behind would crumble.

  
  

  I am wrestling with these God issues. and some new ideas are coming to mind. I don’t know what to do with them exactly.

  
  

  One is that God is the wrong one to be angry at. Someone once told me I should be angry with my parents for what they did. Even though they are dead, I still have terror at that idea. I guess having a gun pointed at your head makes a deep impression. They cannot hurt me now, but the fear is still there. Others say to be angry at satan. That makes sense, but I think there is fear about that as well. I know Jesus is the victor, but there is still a lot of hurt. Maybe God is safer. My kids come home from school and take out there frustrations on us, we are the safe ones. They are not malicious, but they cannot take out frustrations on teachers or peers, so we get the brunt of their attitudes. I wonder if that is somewhat what I am doing with God, using him as a way to vent some of this stuff. I hope that God understands.

  
  

  I know that turning this around is something that I strive for. I do reach out to other hurting souls and that helps, but it also hurts.

  
  

  I know that at one point the disciples asked Jesus what would happen with John. Jesus told them that basically what he wanted to happen would happen, that they needed to be concerned about their own works for Christ (bad paraphrase, but I think you know what I mean). I guess I still am envious of those who had loving parents. I want so much to have that kind of trust with God and peace.

  
  

  I think that there is a part of me that is a little, hurting girl that needs comforting. I hate that girl because she is the vulnerable one, and that spells danger in my dictionary. But I suspect that that is the vulnerabilty Jesus wants when he mentions little children. So Jesus and I are at an impasse’.

  
  

  I am also wanting Christ so much, and running at the least approach of Him.

  
  

  There is a lot of conflict. I also know it isn’t all about me. Given my posts here, it sounds like I am bound up in a pity party sometimes. This is one aspect of me that I do not really show the world. The world has a way different impression of me, as a caring, giving, volunteering, helping and loving mom. I do not show these doubts and fears except here. Please bear with me as I sort this stuff out. I want a solid relationship with Christ built on solid footing. And that means sorting this stuff out somehow.

  
  

  Thanks for bearing with me.

  
  

   

  • 10:38 pm
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