December 28, 2004
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Can’t sleep. Figure I will write a bit, then try again.
Was thinking about how individual everyone’s walk with God is. For some, they seem to immediately come to God, open up, feel his peace and love, and joy. Some seem to have a true religious conversion that is so real and tangible.
For me, this has not been the case. Every step with God has been hard fought. It took so much energy to be able to crack open a Bible and read without sweating in fear. (I had been beaten as a child by my father for reading a passage wrong – pausing too long at a comma, too short at a semicolon). It took much to be able to read outloud from the Bible in front of others. Fortunately no one has reacted.
People speak so blythely of crawling into Christ’s lap for comfort. It is all I can do to imagine glimpsing Christ from a distance. The idea of going boldly into the throne room of grace is so difficult for me. Agape love scares me, I wouldn’t know what to do with it or how to react with that kind of love. It took a long, long time to be able to just say I love you to God. I figured that He wouldn’t want to hear that from me.
The abuse I received as a child made it very difficult for me to want to be noticed. In fact my life depended on not being noticed by my parents. To be noticed meant to be beaten, to be hurt, to be berated and in a few instances meant a real attack on my life. Do I want a Father God to notice me – the jury is out on that. No matter how much people say that God is loving and kind and merciful, how would one handle that? Being backhanded by God I could understand. But love, beyond my conception.
Is it possible that one can be so broken that God cannot fix you? I know people say God is all powerful. They say that one should trust God. They say that it is my fault that there is a problem with God. But then God did not intervene when I needed Him to. He did not stop my father’s actions. He did not comfort me.
People say he was there collecting my tears in a bottle (whoopee – a lot of good that did), they say that there was a purpose in what went on (what purpose is rape?), they say God will restore what is broken.
What if what is broken is innocence that was taken by force? God wants us to come to Him as a little child – but I was never allowed to be a little child. My kindergarten teacher wrote on a report card that I acted like an adult (got a beating for that remark too, and had to imitate what kids did)- I had to act adult in order to survive. There was no one to trust with childlike faith as a child. There was no love, in fact there was no safe place.
So how does one come to God trusting like a child when that was never a part of your life? Perhaps I fail at God, or trusting God 101. Perhaps the sins I did in rebellion to what happened make me way too far removed from God.
I wish there was that simplicity that people seem to think one should have in their relationship with God. I would love to find it, but for me it is a struggle to just be this damaged around God. To seek the answers in His Word. Each step closer to Him is a battle frought with fear. Does it ever get easier?
Heather
Comments (12)
Hey. Thanks for the comment. I appreciate your words. I’m glad to hear you escaped though sad you had something to escape from. “I was apologetic when I decided to live, not die.” I know that sentiment as well. ::hugs:: Studied normal… indeed, normal is overrated.
Praying…hmm. I appreciate the thought. Thank you. (I’m just not a fan of Christian religions) I do receive solid support here on xanga and am grateful for it. You’re right… it is not you who ought to have carried that around. It reminds me of lyrics from Christina Aguilera’s song “I’m OK”:
I often wonder why I carry all this guilt
When it’s you that helped me put up all these walls I’ve built.
Forgiveness is very freeing; I am glad you have realized your capacity for it. You are a stronger person for it, and certainly more compassionate. I admire you for it. True… it is not a panacea but it is a step, and one that carries much weight. Good for you.
On the attention people pay… there is much truth in your words.
Thank you for the thoughts/idea.
) Actually, I am much more bulimic… but I have some very entrenched anorexic tendencies. That’s one of them.
Thanks again.
)
NRC
Thank YOU so much for your comment…..Ah Heather….so much in your Heart ….i can understand your tring to find this loving and caring part of God….i so apreciate your reading my site….i have begun to read yours….your wondering and searching is a wonderful begining…..i know easier said then done…..but don’t give up ……your not alone…hon…..just know that your not alone…..thank you again for your comment …….i hope that you will leave more….i know that it is hard to feel something that you don’t think is there…..but he is…..i wish i knew or had the right words to say to bring you comfort and hope……keep looking ……..keep searching for God ….his word promises us if we search for him we will find him……You will find him!!
)
For some reason, I’ve read more than one post today about the suffering of women who were robbed of innocence. I’m one who gave my innocence away, knowing full well that it wasn’t what God had intended for me. All I can tell you is that God has amazing healing in His hands, and He loves you more than you can ever know.
There’s a good book called Gift Wrapped by God that talks partially about saving yourself till marriage and partially about healing after sexual history (either chosen or forced) has burdended you with all kinds of hurt.
I’ll keep you in my prayers, sister.
Thanks for your comment………may God help you on your journey…..sounds like you’ve been in some very dark, difficult places………Keep looking for the hem of His garment……….He will meet you.
Dear Whispers, thanks for caring! You are right, normal is overrated, but at that time I needed to appear normal to survive. Kids in school can be very mean to those who are different.
I can relate to not being a fan of the Christian religion. I was not at one point, and am not now either. I do like the idea of a relationship, not a religion. And I will pray for you. I spent 40 years hating God and anything connected with Christianity. I went into alternate religions and lifestyles in blatent rebellion to those who hurt me. And as you can tell, I am still working on my walk with God, but the other alternatives were empty. I am praying that one day you find what will fill you. One thing that helped me was to read the Bible from cover to cover. The first time I ended up more angry, the second time other aspects came in. But as with any group there are those Christians who are Christ-like and those who are condemning. I have met both kinds. The ones I prefer to hang with are the ones who teach about relationship with Christ.
How did your lunch go?
Gwowia, I have recently found this site, and have found what seems to be interesting and wonderful people. Thanks for your kind comments too. Thanks for the encouragement. I do keep searching, hoping to find the right thing that will make all of this clear. I know that the most I feel of His love is through other people. I am blessed to have some warm and supportive people in my life.
Wildfire eyes, I too gave myself away. When I first chose not to be a “virgin” I had no idea that I wasn’t. I had repressed all of what he did, and all I remembered was being crushed, unable to breath and pain. My mom informed me she heard the bedsprings creak. I did not remember. Guess it was too painful. So after he died and the courts sent me back to my mom, I began a period of rampant sexual activity. I just didn’t care anymore because I felt I was ruined. I know that that and the other things that I did were basically death wishes. Only I didn’t succeed. I will have to look for that book. Thanks for responding.
Bumblypick, I hope I find that hem somewhere.
I am touched by the caring that is so evident here. Thanks so much for this.
We just got back from NY City. The kids had dentist appointments. My husband bumped the bumper of a car and fortunately no one was hurt, but now we will have to deal with insurance and things like that. I am glad he was driving, not me. I just wish the accident had not happened. But the worst damage was a bit of chipped paint. The police officer did not give my husband a ticket even though we were not carrying the current insurance card and had not put up the new registration. sigh. Now we have to get things checked out because we think part of it was a slight malfunction of our breaks. They did not grab even though they should have.
Heather
Hi, I heard you subscribed to my site so I thought I’d check yours out as well. My walk with the Lord has not been quite as difficult as yours, but I know I have to fight envy of those who immediately know the torrents of love God is pouring out on us. I have a hard time connecting with that, but then He chooses what aspects of my walk are walked by faith. See, it is impossible for me to please Him without faith (Heb. 11:6, I think) and faith in something seen is not faith.Anyway, it has gotten clearer and better for me and I have had breakthroughs in the last few months that have helped me to get rid of the disapproving voices and to hear His voice of approval more and more. I pray you will keep walking out of the darkness and into the light of His love.
Mary
Thank you. Funny, that’s exactly what I could use right now. ::sighs::
Thanks for the support. Indeed, you’re right. The testimonies and triumphs of the many who have made it are good proof that one can make it. ::hugs:: Thanks.
“I can’t wait to meet who will emerge from this void. When you emerge, there will be someone very special.”
Aww… ::touched::
Thank you.
)
Xx Neela Rose xX
<3
Of course! It is, but sadly, you’re right — kids are horribly mean. You’re not alone in that. ::sighs::
Relationship not a religion <= exactly.
) I’m sorry those others were empty for you, but glad you found something that fills you now. Ooh, the bible. Eek. I’ve tried reading some of it but I can’t handle parts of it. The bad in it makes me want to throw it out a window sometimes haha. So I tend to avoid that. But thanks.
Lunch… good talk. She was great. Didn’t eat though. Not ready. Thank you for asking!
)
Hey Whispers, glad your lunch went ok. Eating may be the best revenge ultimately. Throw them off their guard.
The relationship I was referring to was with God. While tenuous for me right now, at least it is more reliable than those who are on the earth.
One thing I have found out about the Bible from reading it is that all the evil that is in there mirrors much of the evil I have had inside of me, and the evil thoughts and feelings that I have had. It kind of is good to see that God does deal with these issues.
The first time I read the Bible I told my pastor that God had hardened my heart, much the same way that he hardened Pharoah’s heart. My pastor pointed out that the first many times Pharoah’s heart was hardened, Pharoah did it himself, then God honored Pharoah’s wish.
In the current reading of the Bible I am realizing just how patient God is. He gives people ample time to change and really wants them to change. The 1,100 or so pages of the Bible encompass about 6,000 years. This means that a lot of time is compressed in a few pages. This reading of the Bible I am seeing how many years there are between some of the chapters of the Bible. I used to think that about God too, the evil and the hurt, but now I see it a bit differently. God often waited major spans of time between intervention (sometimes 400 years), between his warning and His action.
This fall, when the weather turned cold, we had a mouse in the house. We caught and killed that mouse because we knew that mice carried diseases, and one mouse could easily escalate to hundreds if not controlled. It was not animosity to the mouse that i had, but protection of my kids. We are God’s kids and he will protect us. If someone were to attack my three children I would fight for them, even at the risk of my life. God did the same for us. He protects us from the enemy and even risked the life of his son for us.
I guess the more I study, the more I see things differently. But I do not mean to lay a trip on you regarding this. I just know that my thoughts were so similar to yours years ago.
Hugs,
Heather
hi! thanks for comment. am copying and saving for later and will delete it at this time.want it for later…
prayers 4 u
Heather~first, the answers to your questions
How did you come to trust God? For me this was actually not easy. Read my post from Thursday, November 4th…it has my life story.
What is your favorite thing to do in free time? READ..definitely…anything I can get my hands on that is not filthy
How did you handle the biggest challenge in your life? I have a bad habit of running and hiding. When I face a challenge of any sort, instead of going to friends or to God Himself, I run and hide and pretend that everything is still fine. When my world fell apart in high school and college, I got really angry at God and stopped praying and reading my Bible for a while. But I realize that no matter how deep our darkness, He is deeper still. At the lowest points in my life, when I seriously considered suicide, I realized that God was still there. Nothing I had said or done had made Him leave me. And nothing ever will.
I won’t pretend that I understand exactly what you are going through, because that’s not what you need. I will tell you that I struggle with questions and relating to God as a father and going to Him immediately for comfort. I would be more than happy to talk about anything with you at any time. If you have an email address, email me at joyfulsorrow129@yahoo.com and I will send you my phone number. Even if I need to call you back. I just want you to know someone is here for you. Sometimes, during the darkest times in our lives, all we can do is cry like the father in Mark 9:24 “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.”
Dear Roman’s 8, thanks for answering these questions. I was able to read your post (although all the dark mountains made some of the words hard to read).
I read also. Right now a lot of my reading is studying the Bible, hoping to find the answers that are elusive.
I can relate to anger at God. I gave up on God when I was 8, and never looked back for a long time. I too run and retreat when things are hard. For me, part is fear that God really didn’t mean to have me in his kingdom, so I have to lay low. Part is fear of being disappointed and having nowhere else to go. I hope I come to your conclusion of God being there.
I think suicide is one of my coping mechanisms. At 8, after the rape, I squirrelled away some draino so that if things got tough I had a way out. I have always had suicide as the final way out, and tried many times. Even today I do not have a firm grasp on life, and the only thing that keeps me around is not wanting to hurt my kids by doing myself in.
It is comforting to know that others struggle with some of these questions. Maybe God knows and understand, maybe he is angry. I just have to run and hide.
People have come up to me and said that I am committing the sin of unbelief. I guess so, because believing is difficult. But when they judge like that i am puzzled because I am so far removed from where I was.
We moved from Long Island because the water there was laced with chemicals from farm and industry out there. Too many of my friends died of cancer at ridiculously young ages. I often wondered about God regarding that, as they left children and husbands behind. Where is the love of God in that. I seem to find myself drawn to nursing homes and the schools to help others. Your calling seems tough.
Please take care of yourself,
Heather