July 13, 2006

• Doug asked the following questions:
  

  
  

  RYC, ya, the comfort we receive in our times of trials, God wants to build into us so that we can comfort others when they face similar trials.

  
  

  3 questions, eh?  ok,

  
  

  1.  When in that “most difficult time” asked about above, what comfort did you receive from God

  
  

  2.  How soon after receiving comfort for the above time did God open a door for you to use it?

  
  

  3.  What is true forgiveness, between humans?

  
  

   

  
  

  In the most difficult time (see previous entry) I did not know much about God, except what I learned from a few TV shows or radio programs, but I knew enough to pray, and at the age of 8 I gave up on God, deciding that God had abandoned me. I stopped asking Him for help, felt the wall next to my bed provided more comfort – I could beat my head against it, it cooled bruises, and was solid. My father, after a heart attack, rejoined his church of Christian Scientist – and was brutal in that. He would make me read the Bible out loud and throw things at me if I paused too long at a comma, too short at a semicolon. I used to break out in a cold sweat just touching a Bible. When I turned 17 I fully turned my back on Christianity. My “reasoning” at the time was that, if so-called Christians hurt me so badly, I wanted to be anything but a Christian. So I became a Pagan, graduated to becoming a Witch (ultimately a priestess of a coven of 150 witches in Chicago). In my training as a priestess I studied many mythologies, including Christianity (which is what I thought Christianity was at the time). I have also studied Hawaiian Huna, Macumba, Santeria, Christian Mysticism, etc. When people would mention Christ to me I mocked inside my mind or asked questions to try and confuse them and show up how dumb they were for being Christian, but sometimes inside I wished I had their “simple” faith. I realize now it is anything but simple, but at that time I was not receptive to the Christian message – yet seeds were planted. Please, even if you have friends who do not listen or mock your faith, don’t quit planting, you never know when they may sprout.

  
  

   

  
  

  It was the Holy Spirit that touched my heart and I got the idea to give God one last chance, and I read the Bible from cover to cover. I felt that I was one of those hardened hearts, that God didn’t want me any more than I wanted Him. But Pastor Don and I explored the Bible, I sat under his teaching in Bible study for a year in Romans. I think the one verse that began to crack my armor was 1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. I spent a couple of years talking with Pastor Don, and part of one year was a period of time I called the sin of the week. I would recount particular sins and tell him that God could not forgive me for that sin, or another sin. Pastor Don would inevitably bring me to 1 John 1:9, and assure me that God was able to forgive any sin. And pointed out that I had truly repented, because I would never do those particular actions again.

  
  

   

  
  

  I have been saved for four years, and in that time God has gradually revealed Himself to me. He has not stormed down the doors of my resistance, but has patiently waited until I was able to want Him into a particular area. Pastor Don has explained that God would not want to force me because then He would be acting like my abusive father. I used to think that God was not in certain areas of my life, and now I am beginning to see how much He was there.

  
  

   

  
  

  Regarding my past, even after I got saved, for years I would blame God, I would wonder why God did not make Himself more evident, why He didn’t at least comfort me in the situation, and why He let my father do what he did. I don’t think I will have complete answers before I get to Heaven, but I have some things that have been revealed to me as I have been healed.

  
  

   

  
  

  Control was important for my survival as a kid, I had to be in control of my emotions, too many tears or too few tears could cause a beating or worse. If God had come in too comforting I might have let my guard and control slip, and that would have cost me my life (and I mean that literally). When he was doing what he did to me, I couldn’t react or make a face, I had to be bland and say what he wanted me to say, I couldn’t look repulsed.

  
  

   

  
  

  I did not kill myself, get a disease (my father also slept with whores, and I was just his in between whores entertainment), get pregnant, or go insane. Any of these could have occurred with the kinds of trauma I received.

  
  

   

  
  

  When I started rebelling, taking drugs, drinking, and sleeping around no disease or disintegration of my mind occurred. I survived all the attempts at destroying myself through lifestyle.

  
  

   

  
  

  And my most recent revelation is that the kind of abuse that my parents did protected me from getting too enmeshed in the occult. See, many of the new age and occult practices worship the father and mother gods. Well I didn’t have a good relationship with either parent, so my ability to really bond with any of these false gods was impaired. In fact when I first accepted Christ, the concept of Abba Father was a tough one. But the difference between God and the false gods is that God is a healer, and He kept working with me to heal the hurts. He has taken what satan meant for harm and made it good. God works gently and patiently, and his method heals. Today I was listening to a song about the joy of the Lord, and I realized I do have that joy. I praise God today, and he has used this to help me to reach others.

  
  

   

  
  

  I think that answers questions one and two. Regarding true forgiveness between humans. I remember a pastor’s wife who helped me to realize that when I carried around unforgiveness of my parents (who were dead), all I was doing was carrying around dead weight. The unforgiveness left the rawness of my hurt unhealed, and it was forgiveness that lanced the wound so that the poison could come out. When we think about forgiveness we have to remember that it is a selfish thing – it is really for us that we forgive another. Forgiving does not absolve the person of any repercussions for what they did, it just takes the pain off of our shoulders. God is the ultimate judge and it is He who can do this fairly. I forgave my parents. I kind of see forgiveness as sort of like an onion with layers upon layers. I forgave them, and when a new memory comes up, I immediately forgive. I don’t go diving for memories, but at the same time I forgive. I realized that I had forgiven when one day I found myself hoping that my parents had accepted Christ before they died, that no one should go to hell.

  
  

   

  
  

  Unforgiveness is like a cancer inside of us. It destroys us, it destroys our relationship with God for God wants us to obey Him and forgive. My sister, who also had been abused, chose not to forgive. When we talk she sputters and rages at what happened. She is 15 years older than me and still nurses the wounds she received. She claims she will never forgive him, even though I have spoken with her about forgiveness. To date she has had over 27 surgeries, and has lost part of her stomach due to ulcers. She needs to forgive. My brother and I have been talking lately, and he used to fly into rages from the abuse he received. He has started being more sentimental about the past (he is 16 years older than me), and so we have started talking a bit about forgiving and how I hope that our parents made it to heaven. When we are unforgiving we keep the abuse alive inside of us, and it is not freeing. True liberty comes with forgiveness.

  
  

   

  
  

  I think for me it was easy to forgive them, they had died. I don’t know if it would be as easy to forgive if they were still alive. Although I would have liked to have asked them why they did what they did, I know that God must have realized that wasn’t good for me to have done that. But now that I have grown more in Christ, I think that now I would have been able to forgive them if they were alive.

  
  

   

  
  

  One thing that I have noticed about my past is that it is my PAST now. I can share pieces of it, and sometimes it makes me sad, but often it is just a fact that I share that helps others. The feelings are there, but the emotions are not raw. I am not a walking wounded, I have found a strength.

  
  

   

  
  

  Forgiveness is tough. If someone has hurt us deeply we need to forgive, but that doesn’t mean we make ourselves doormats to be walked all over. We may not want to trust them in the area they have violated for some time. We may want to forgive and walk away. We may want to let time go by before we open up too much to them. It is an individual thing, but God and the Holy Spirit can help with this. One thing is certain though, liberty, joy and peace follow forgiveness.

  
  

   

  
  

  Hoping you have a blessed day. Again, I will answer other questions if you wish, but a few a day. Here is the link for the questions. I am answering them in order received. Thank you for asking. I am finding it interesting to look at things that I might not pull up if not asked.

  
  

  
  Heather

  • 5:42 pm
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