January 31, 2006
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People on Xanga are incredible! You have no idea how much your kindness, prayers, and words of comfort and advice mean to me. No matter how bad things seem to get, I know for sure that I have some wonderful friends and support here on Xanga.
The verse that keeps coming to mind right now is Ephesians 6:13 “Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.”
Those who know of my past know that at the age of 8 I gave up on God, wanting nothing to do with Him. I turned my back, and fully embraced many alternative religions, always searching and not finding the fulfillment I was seeking. I was hurting badly and blamed all that went wrong on God. I felt abandoned and hurt. I used to fume at God. At one time the kindest comments about God’s love and concern would have been met with anger and rage.
I have changed much since those days, and once I even apologized to God after I got saved for all the angry words I spat out at Him. He told me, “That’s alright, at least you were talking to me.” It is true, I was talking at Him, albeit spitting out vitriolic words, but at least I was acknowledging His existence by spouting off at Him. He did not mind that, for it opened up the doors of communication.
My relationship then moved toward an armed truce. If you had asked me to describe my relationship to God I would have told you I don’t want to attract His attention, for fear that He would backhand me, realize I was in His kingdom, and kick me out, or He would hurt me somehow. I was afraid to ask Him for anything, afraid to be noticed. That is very reminiscent of how I dealt with my alcoholic parents, if I got noticed, I got hit and hurt, so better to not attract attention. As a child I used to break out in a cold sweat just dropping a toy in my room for fear it would bring on their ire.
I used to imagine God someplace in a room three or four football fields long, me at the door for quick escape, Him at the opposite side of the room, and I wouldn’t dare look at Him in the eye. But I felt like a cornered animal. I think I would have died if He had reached out towards me, and I was afraid to approach Him at all.
Over the years (four to be exact since I got saved) the size of the room has shrunk. We can now sit closer, but I still have a hard time looking Him in the eye (so to speak). Once I did in a vision and found an incredible love, but love still scares me.
You see, that kind of unconditional love, the abba love, I don’t know how to deal with. I can handle conditional love, I can handle reserved love, I can handle orders and rules, but the kind of love that loves you no matter what is beyond me. I never experienced it as a kid. Sometimes I feel sort of crippled in that way.
But right now, I stay in the Word of the Lord, pray often, praise often, sing worship songs (only in car when no one can hear me but God), and constantly dialogue with God. I have been known to stop what I am doing and say a prayer if things are tough, or a memory emerges that needs me to take an act of forgiveness. I fail often too. And yet, I fail still at times in my walk of faith.
Too many times I run out of the house with maybe the helmet of salvation, but naked from the other parts of the whole armor of God. Too many times I quickly dress in some parts of the armor and leave parts off. I fail, I don’t ask God first, but I am learning.
For me, right now I am doing something I have never done with God, standing. Yes, just standing. I am standing on the minuscule tiny partial grain of faith that I have, not running, not turning away, but standing. It is scary, but right now I am tired of being buffeted, and I want to sort this out.
A good friend of mine suggested that sometimes this return to the past is healing, for each time I go there it is a different emphasis, and it is like the lancing of a boil, letting out the poison so that it no longer can infect the rest of me. I am hoping that this is true.
While I have to go to God first, it is so good to have the company of the friends and people that are so supportive of this journey. One thing I can be certain of is that my life today, is far better than it ever was when I was trying to do things in my own understanding, on my own, and without God. There is no comparison.
I once asked Pastor Don why my healing seems to take so long and he pointed out to me that that would give me patience with others who are hurting and slowly healing. That it is building a strong foundation, one not easily shaken. And he also told me that God would use this journey to help others. Also, the hurt was deep and I guess deep wounds take time to heal.
I just find it so hard to separate God the Father and my physical abusive father at times. Oh I know God is love, but sometimes I still find myself approaching God with the same fear and trepidation that I approached my earthly father. It is getting better, but slowly.
Many of you suggested Psalms and pointed out how David was transformed from the start of a Psalm to the end. I wanted to ask your opinion. Do you think the Psalm was a moment in time, or that David wrote it later, and that maybe the transformation from the fear or anger to the praise of God developed over time? For me, it seems to be developing over time.
Praying you have a blessed night. You are all in my prayers, and have no idea how incredible you are, and how grateful I am that I got a chance to meet you.
Heather
Comments (15)
I’m of the belief David wrote it over time….right when it was happening! Love reading more and more about you Heather…it helps me get to know you better! I’m so glad you are part of this family of God here on earth! And I’m blessed to have gotten to know you via this xangaville town we are apart of! ~Gena~
Me too, I’m glad to know you. And I agree with Gena, I think David wrote those at the times he was going through things. I read of “inner healing”, that part of it is “healing of the memories.” And that means you do go back to the memories, but this time with Jesus right “with” you in a sense, to see what happened but in such a way it can’t hurt you any more. And then eventually the memories are there but without the sting they once had. I’ve been told this by people who have done inner healing ministering to people, as well in the books on healing I’ve just read. You will be such an incredible help to someone later, that it will (almost) seem worth it that you experienced those things to help someone else that might have even had it worse than you. God bless you and keep you. Keep standing, too, till you get good at it:):):) Love, Gerrie
I can only add that I agree with what Gena & Gerrie have stated above me (the only 2 above me as I am writing this.) I want you to know that God has placed you on my heart to pray for this evening, so I am. God bless you “gi-normously” (as my one 7th grade student says it)! God bless you on the journey that He is leading you in & walking through with you. (Ps. 23 — esp. verses 3-4) With loving prayers, Carolyn
“Developed over time”……..yes!!!!!
I am so glad that you have come home to the Lord. You are a blessing to many.
I believe that as David was going through life that he wrote the psalms. No matter how much he messed things ups, he valued the relationship he had with the Father and could not bear to have it hurt and so he readily repented and poured out all of his emotions to God.
David set the example for us in how to let our souls sing to God and grow.
Heather do not let the memories of the past hinder your present and future. Grieve the pain of what was not and then let God be the author of what is and will be.
Love ya!
wow, you are amazing..and so inspiring. thanks for sharing some of your story.
i plan to subscribe…..check me out too.
we are all challenged and must look to His Light for His Path.
blessings sent your way,
elonda rene’
no, YOU’RE incredible heather! God bless you..
-joy
It took 26 years for my complete healing….but I can’t say that I have any regrets because those trials made me who I am today and taught me what I know about God.
Have a blessed day!
Michele
RYC – Good morning Heather – I did not know that you could not tell the difference between the wheat and tares until harvest time. And I agree completely with your conclusions. I also think that much like the servants, once the fruit sprang up and made the tares obvious, men want to and attempt to divide and separate – not as God wills, but as man wills. So would you see the field as the world, the church or both? And do you believe denominations bring division or unity to the Church? Or does it matter? I appreciate your insights. I am going to have to go back and read your posts on all seven churches. Bernie
Blessings! Yes, JESUS is with us all the way, with every step. HE is faithful….He will take us through each step in its own time….and when he does we know with his help we will have the victory.
Easy sometimes? Nope, but it is when JESUS is the pilot of our plane, and as like the eagle that has been sick, the eagle lays out on a rock in the sunshine to draw out the poision that is making it sick, to gain its strength back and soar again.
Soar high like an eagle! Have a bless day in JESUS!
dear heather, thanks so much for your words of encouragement to me lately. it’s been so hard to get around to people’s sites lately. i’ve mostly just relied on folks dropping by for updates and occasionally checking in and reading up on my subs. thank you so much for remaining faithful to prayer and to the ‘creaky-kneers’ too…it blesses me to know that you guys are out there every day, doing what we can do for our world and for each other. that’s what family is all about, really. i keep thinking that someday, when we all get to heaven, we will already know our xanga friends. perhaps there’ll be a Creaky-Knees convention center set up and waiting for us? ya think? ha!
as for the real estate class, it is designed to be an informational class to disclose material that is necessary to know to pass the state licensing exam for same. unfortunately, this man is not a ‘teacher’ persay, rather an experienced realtor who is paid to go through the book and highlight the facts that need exposure. he in no way is delving into the mathematics aspect, or other aspects of explanation on those things. he’s more of a lecturer that digresses terribly to personal experiences….on the areas he loses me (and others in the class) he just expects that you either already know these things or have someone who can tutor you at them, i suppose. with recent upsets and distractions in my personal life, it’s been very difficult to study and keep concentration. these were already areas that i am not proficient in, so i am now so far behind that it would be impossible for me to catch up with any understanding. i am doing my best and will try to gain all the info i can between now and the end of the class, since i paid for it and cannot get any money back on it. i should have bought new tires with that money instead….but, you never know what information is useful, and certainly i’ve gained a new respect for realtors. i had no idea what was included in thier job description. well, i hope that today will be a great day for you. your testimony and willingness to share it is such a blessing to those who read it, and more importantly to those who can identify with you in your experiences and learn from your faith, how to deal righteously with those things!
ttyl, bette
I have been reading you for a long time now. I think you have a lot in common with my wife, at least in terms of life experiences. I find it difficult to comfort her in any practical and meaningful way and for many of the same reasons you as well. I grew up with Ward and June Cleaver for parents. I cannot hardly comprehend what my wife went through as the daughter of an alcoholic father and codependent mother. The differences in our upbringing have been a source of strife between us and obvious misunderstanding. We each live with misconceptions about the other. Lots of opportunities to communicate, if not always to understand. She also has other experiences in her background that some of your writings have reminded me of.
One thing is for SURE, Heather–you are going the right way and no matter how long the journey is, you WILL make it!!!!!
You are one awesome person!!!!!
love you….
Sometime I will have to write you my walk of faith. You and I have many feelings and struggles in the same way, different reasons.
Last year we were doing a test for spiritual gifts, and I know one of my gifts is mercy, but then when I ended up with the same high score on Faith, I had the same struggle as I did when God revealed Mercy to. But now I think I should be gifted in faith, I have had to have faith to put one foot in froont of the other event after event and that I have learned much about faith, I am still Learning but when we let God lead us and direct us and we step by and let it happen God is awesome, and from an experiance I had today, God has a sense of humor. I had met with my mentor we are listening to a series of John Piper, which is grest, and we are taking just little bites of what he says and concentrating on that for the week or 2 weeks we meet.
After that meeting I had to go to speech therapy (pray forr me in that area) anyway, our church is across the street from the hospital, as I was driving down the road close to the church, I I thought I saw a great sister in Christ goingg the other was, well I slowed down a couple timess, to turn around to see she wanted to do lunch,. So I finally decided to turn around, drove in the drivewAY of church, and it was her I rolled down my window, and we simoltaneously, said to each other, HEY I wanted to have Lunch with you today. It was just a cool God thing, my husband was gone for lunch sso I wanted some one to go out with me.. and her husband works over the lunch hour, little did I know she had left me a message on my phone, drove by my house, and then all the way to church and just by “The love of God” we got to share time together. Doesn’t God have a sense of humor, then we were concerned about parking, and I just thought God you’ve worked things out this far, what is a couple parking places. What a God we have.
Even though it is very disheartening, it is also a bit comforting to know there are others that have walked the road of abuse and are now allowing God to repair their hearts and lives. I can so relate to your feelings and will keep you in my prayers. I do know that God can use our experiences in helping others for it is done even her in Xanga Land. PTL!