January 29, 2006
-
Do you ever question God?
This is one of those days when I am again sorting out God issues. Please don’t get me wrong, I love God very much and am so grateful for His remarkable gift of salvation. But…
My big question has resurfaced. Perhaps someone has an answer to that question.
Where was God when I was a child being abused? (see testimony on 10/7/05).
My question centers on this. God has been shown to stop time, raise the dead, kill thousands of the enemy in one fell swoop, part the Red Sea, knock down the walls of Jericho, make the sun stand still, add 15 years to a person’s life, etc.
Soooooo why did He not intervene in my life? Did I not matter to Him?
God seemed to care more about the free will of my abuser. He certainly didn’t come up to me and say, “Heather, your father is set out to abuse someone, so do you mind if he abuses you?”
I was reading some stuff on the Father’s love for His children. Since I am supposedly a child of God, did He not care about me? Did He not care about me because my parents didn’t take me to church when I was a child, so since I didn’t know much about Him, He chose to ignore my fervent prayers? Is it possible that I just didn’t matter back then?
Was I just a pawn in some sort of game, an expendable pawn in the chess game of life?
Now, that I am saved I am supposed to totally trust God, and yet, there are still reservations. I don’t know if I can ever get to that point of perfect trust without some answers that somehow make sense in this.
I know that most will say that God is sovereign. He can do what He wants to do. And I know that the gift of salvation is paramount, but there is a part of me that is crying out to understand God’s lack of action in my past.
When I was a kid when an adult said that they loved me it meant that they wanted something from me and it was going to hurt.
In a way, I feel that if God loved me as a child it was the same sort of love, He wanted something from me (my trust and faith), and it was going to hurt (because there seemed no sense of Him.)
This is not one of my stellar days of faith, and I am sorry for the hurt of these questions, most times I can keep them under wraps and pretend things are ok. Today is not one of those days. Sorry for the glumness.
The above being said, I am still sticking with God, for I know my life today is better because of God. I will still pray, still study, still share teachings, but I am hurting right now, and feeling that somehow that void has to be filled. This not knowing is really hurting.
Heather
Comments (50)
searching for a way to encourage you. may i offer a suggestion, don’t pretend everything is okay when it’s not. as believers we seem to be under the misconception that everyone else is okay, so if we’re not there’s something wrong with us and we need to hide that. God is big enough to allow us to question/search without being threatened or condemning us. our faith is tested/tried and thru the process we learn a couple of things – faith that is tested becomes stronger, and God is the only real source of strength that we have. (james 1: 2- 4 has been an encouragement to me )
healing from any hurts, past or present, is a process – meaning it takes time ( only sometimes we get the impression either from our own perception or the influence/input of other people that it shouldn’t take so long. kind of an ‘instant fix’ in a society that thrives on ‘instant’ solutions, etc.). sorry , think i’m rambling now. hope at least part of this makes sense.
coming from the same background, let me say this. god was right there. loving you, caring for you, keeping you alive… so you might live to the greater glory of god.
god is not hurt by your questions, and no one else matters, really.
blessings on you.
I think it’s natural for us to question God. David did, and he was the man after God’s own heart . . .
Satan will often try to remind us of the pain or guilt of our past to cause us to doubt God or to doubt ourselves. My pastor said this two years ago and I will never forget it: “the next time Satan tries to remind you of your past, remind him of his future.”
It’s good for us to share our burdens; we’re not built to hold that stuff in. By sharing what’s REALLY going on in our lives, we enable our brothers and sisters in Christ to fulfill their responsibility to “bear one another’s burdens” (Gal 6:2).
:: Kevin
I read your post a few hours ago and at that time I had no clue what to say. But I’ve thought about it and asked God, and I agree with civildis and Kevin. God was there when you were hurting. It’s why you’re still sane. It’s why you are saved now. It’s why you get to remind Satan about his future. You need inner healing. Ask God for that. When someone prays inner healing over you it can be all at once like receiving the holy spirit was, but yet it’s like salvation too, it’s also a process. I don’t think there are any easy answers. Believe it or not, your dad was likely abused, too, in some way. It’s very likely a generational thing.
I had an abusive husband. I truly believed God could fix him and save our marriage. There were days I begged God to either fix it or just take me and let me die. But then I found out he was sexually molested by a relative when he was little. Then I realized our problem was bigger than the two of us and I was too fragile by then (after 23 years) to stay and continue being abused, so I divorced him, realizing that perhaps this was the “rescue” I needed, and at the very least God wasn’t gonna be mad at me for divorcing him. But I sometimes wonder why God let it go like that, and feel cheated for having my marriage die.
God is proving by your very life now that He is able to bring you out of it to eventually being a healthy, happy, joyous woman, and that in you He can STOP the generational curse from being passed on to your children. I know it sounds weird, but sometimes God lets things go and then by our very weakness proves His glory.
It’s not always about just you, either. He’s showing other people what He can do in you, too. What I mean is that in ADDITION to saving you now, because of your very experiences, He can use YOU to help someone else later. The kind of person you are now is in part due to your experiences, and this can be a “saving grace” to someone else, truly it can.
Paul wrote that our sufferings now will be as nothing compared to our eternal life with God. I know that sounds hollow when you’re hurting so much now. But to the extent you can look forward like it says in Philippians (forgetting the past and pressing forward to the prize….), is the extent to which you will feel better.
They say that success is the best revenge. And what better success is there than to be shining like the sun when you are in Heaven? And the revenge isn’t on your dad, it’s on Satan. He is the ultimate culprit. God only allowed it because He knew He could bring you out on the other side and make you shine like the sun. In the meantime you get to let Jesus shine through you:) Our Father of lights wants us to be lights to the world. You are, Heather, you are.
May the peace that passes all understanding through Christ Jesus guard your heart (from Philippians 4:9 I think). Gerrie
Meditate on Psalm 73, Heather. CONSIDER THE LATTER END OF YOUR ABUSER, if he does not repent. You see, God DID grant him his free will…..but he used that gift to do that which will increase his damnation in Hell forever if he doesn’t repent.
CONSIDER YOUR OWN LATTER END, AS WELL! Yes, you struggle NOW, like Lazarus, but one day YOU will be in HEAVEN forever because of the grace of God!!!! How many poor girls endure what you did and are NEVER saved, have NO hope this morning like you do?
How many have turned to ALCOHOL, instead of the Blood of Christ to wash away the painful memories? How many have gone on to prostitution, becoming “hurt people who hurt people”, while YOU have been blessed to be delivered from the cycle of despair and sin?
Arise, my sister! Praise God for His GREAT SALVATION to you…..one day that salvation WILL be complete as ALL painful memories will be erased! In the interim, go, find those who were abused like YOU were and tell them of God’s mercy! And, if you have opportunity, WARN your abuser/ abusers to flee the wrath that IS to come while there’s time.
If you’ve never seen it, I posted my sermon about Hell once………. http://www.xanga.com/hellsermon . I think you might find reading the text of it helpful because I envisioned someone JUST LIKE YOURSELF (a woman who’s been abused) listening when I preached it.
this is probably the most commononly asked question. because it’s asked of this day, even of people we don’t know:
why does this crap happen to folks?
i’m positive that there are numerous answers that most people like to spout off. i’m not certain that our feeble answers provide much hope or insight to those directly affected. our experince typically outweighs our knowledge.
i remember reading about these dudes who lived in the desert outside of egypt a long time ago. anyways, one of them was robbed by a thief who broke into to his cell (cave-home) and said, stand back, i’m going to take everything you have. the monk stood back and watched the theif rob him. later, the monk found an article that the thief missed, picked it up, and ran after the thief and gave it to him as well.
in his grip
: stoker
My friend, Having come from a similar situation, please know that I emphathize with your feelings. I, too, have asked why????? I have a younger sister with whom I can talk (we are both in our 50s) and it helps so much. This was something we chose to push under the rug until about 8 years ago. We were having late night giggles about some corny joke when my giggles turned quite unexpectedly into wales of uncontrollable tears. When the night was over, we had poured our hearts out to each other and the healing process had begun. We both had the same fears, same memories, etc. As children, we had lived under the same roof, endured the same misery but had somehow managed to suppress these feelings and paste a smile on our faces for years. I lost both my mom and dad within the last 2 years, but thank God, I was able to forgive them and that in itself was healing. I was blessed that God chose to send my husband of 36 years to rescue me when I was only 16 and it changed my life forever. Always know that God IS in control and that if His almighty eye is on the sparrow, then you can be assured you are the apple of His eye and he will care for you. I pray a special and wonderful blessed day for you today…..nana_roo You are in my prayers!!
Thankfully, God has let me understand why I had to go through abuse as a child…not from my parents…but an uncle. If I hadn’t…I wouldn’t be able to counsel with young girls who are there now or older adults who are trying to deal with it. I’m thankful that God took something meant to harm and made it something used to bless. My hardest thing to deal with now is the denial that adults in my life are going through since it’s out in the open now. I’ve never hid it, it’s always been a part of my testimony and my ministry….but since my book came out and now my uncle knows that I haven’t kept silent, I’m shocked to see the denial in my family….but I know that God has a plan to use this for His glory as well….so I just keep holding on with all my strength.
Have a blessed day!
Michele
“THE SOCIETY OF CREAKY-KNEED PRAYER WARRIORS” PRAYER BLOG HAS BEEN UPDATED FOR TODAY…
IF YOU ARE A MEMBER OF THE BLOGRING, A FRIEND OF THE SITE, OR AMEMBER OF OUR ‘OUTER RINGERS’ WHO PRAY FOR THE GROUP AS A WHOLE,PLEASE DROP BY AND UPDATE YOUR REQUESTS SO THAT OUR PRAYER JOURNALS ARE KEPT ‘FRESH’ AND OUR PRAYERS FOR EACH OTHER ARE SINCERE, INTELLIGENT AND DILIGENT.
IT HAS BEEN AWHILE SINCE MOST OF THE REQUESTS HAVE BEEN UPDATED. IF THERE ARE THOSE THAT WE HAVE NOT HEARD FROM, WON’T YOU HELP ME BY GOING TO THIER SITES AND ASKING HOW THEY ARE? (…to those of you who regularly visit and update, THANK YOU!)
THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONTINUED COMMITMENT THERE AND BEFORE THE THRONE OF GOD, UPHOLDING THESE REQUESTS AND PARTICIPATING IN, EMBRACING, THE NEEDS OF THE FAMILY OF GOD!
I KNOW THAT IT TAKES TIME AND EFFORT…PLEASE DO CONTINUE TO VISIT OUR MEMBERS SITES, WELCOME THEM, AND LEAVE WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT. I KNOW ONLY TOO WELL HOW MUCH THAT POSITIVELY AFFECTS MY DAILY LIFE. THE ENCOURAGEMENT YOU LEAVE IN JUST A WORD OR TWO MAY MAKE A HUGE DIFFERENCE IN SOMEONE’S LIFE TODAY! MAY GOD BLESS YOU IN YOUR SINCERE EFFORT THROUGH PRAYER TO BRING GLORY TO HIS KINGDOM.
I THANK YOU HUMBLY FOR STANDING WITH ME IN THIS WITNESS AND OUTREACH. IT WILL ONLY WORK AS WELL AS WE GIVE IT OPPORTUNITY TO… BETTE
Dearest Heather ~ None of us that are born to earth go unscathed by some hurt in life (“man is born to trouble as the sparks fly upward” – Job 5:7) I’m not belittling your trouble, but we tend to measure pain by degrees, but pain is pain to the one going through it. I also used to question why I had to go through some of the painful things I did, and someone pointed out to me that God did not save us to be exceptions to bad things, but to be examples of God’s grace through our troubles. I believe our experiences BEFORE and AFTER our conversion are for our good to be used for His glory. He is going to use this in your life for good if you are His. You can trust God totally as His child, even having been through bad things, because He has promised to love you and keep you and never forsake you. We must look to the promises and cling to Him. An excellent book that will help you (as it helped me tremendously) is [TRUSTING GOD Even When Life Hurts], by Jerry Bridges. You can get it at Crossway Christian bookstores. Also, if you can get the autobiography of DORI, it would help you. She was abused her whole life by men (her mother was a bad woman) and it is a wonderful story of how God used it in her life for good. It has brought healing to so many women. Dori got past the anger, bitterness against God, and questions of why – it is an amazing story of how God brought beauty out of such pain. Well, gotta go. Wishing you God’s blessings and healing for your pain. ~ love in Christ, jenny
God was certainly with you. He brings along certain incidents in each person’s life to better equip them with leading others to the Lord.
There was a point in my life that was very, very crucial to my Christian walk. I’m sure everyone has been there. I just wanted to share what God has used in my life to draw me closer to Him.
When I was 13, my mom had been hospitalized twice with pnuemonia. The second time almost killed her. She was in a coma-like state for 10 days and bloated to twice her size. She got saved shortly thereafter!( ) After her recovery, she found out she was pregnant. At one of her check ups, the doc was concerned that it might be a tubular pregnancy and sent her to the hospital for more extensive testing. The results came in: No, it was not a tubular pregnancy. But it was not just one child. Not two, either. My mom was going to have TRIPLETS! None of knew how to take that news. We were all astounded! Multiples do not run in out family. There was one set of twins, but one was stillborn. The other is still alive as far as I know.
My mom was put on bed rest. She had the babies (by c-section) three months early. Logan (1lb, 13oz), Laura (1lb, 12oz) and Lucas (1lb, 6oz). I was one excited 14 yr old when they were born! But the excitement had quickly given way for grief. Logan died 10 days later and Laura at 15 days old. We had given much hope for Luke because he seemed to be the fighter. But, he died at 2 months, 27 days olds. At the time, I felt like the whole world was crashing down around me. I was angry with God for not answering my prayers the way I thought He should have. But eventually, I drew close and accepted this heart breaking circumstance. I decided that God knew what He was doing and there was a reason for it. I’m still not sure what that reason is today, but God is Good!
It’s amazing what the Lord can do to pull you closer. I think I was at the crossroad of either turning to the world or being fully surrendered to Christ. The latter had much more to offer.
I was directed to Psalm 61:2 (From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I.)
What a verse to help me through that trial!
Heather, I just read your post and certainly cannot understand the depth of your pain since I don’t come from a dysfunctional background or was abused. But I would like to comment on something that you said…..You said that inspite of all that has happened to you and all that you are feeling right now (the pain that is still in your heart), you are still sticking with God. What a courageous statement and a statement that will eventually bring you full circle in your healing. God is the ONLY one who can completely heal your hurt and cause you to forgive. Sticking with Him is the greatest thing that you could possibly do. During the healing process, He will reveal things to do that you never knew and He will show you how He was with you then and is with you NOW. I do want to say, though, that forgiveness is the greatest source of healing…….Please ask God to help you forgive even if you feel that the other person or persons are not worthy of forgiveness or if they have not appologized to you. In forgiveness, your heart can be set free.
Heather, don’t give up on God. There’s a poem that I often read at conferences that I speak at entitled, “It’s in the Valleys that we grow.” Some day, God will allow you to minister to others through your story and what God did in your life through all your difficult circumstances. God bless you as you continue to seek Him………Because of Him, Sheryl
Heather, everyone else said it greatly, so not sure what else I can add. God was with you. He felt everything you felt and went through it with you. We may never know this side of heaven why He lets things happen other than it is to bring glory to Him. With what happened to you, now you can turn and counsel others that have went through it, show them the love that God has, that you found and are holding onto tight. Talk to God about it, He knows what you are feeling, but still tell him it instead of just thinking oh He already knows. He’s there, waiting for you.
Hey Heather…can’t say anything that hasn’t been said up there by the others. But having just read about the life of Joseph, he could ask the same questions to God….where were you when my brothers sold me, when Potipher’s wife lied about me, etc. Who knows…but what we can see from history is God was with him the entire time….and what was meant as evil was part of the plan to have Joseph at the right place at the right time in the future to end up saving his entire family. Abuse? I don’t get it at all, why does He allow it and not just smote the abusers? I dunno…..but to ask God questions…is very human and natural so don’t let anyone tell you anything otherwise! Joseph went on to have an incredible life and became very important throughout the land…..question is what does God have in store for Heather and how will the past come into play? I’m so sorry for your past, your pain and wished that I could take an eraser and erase it all…but I can’t. So for now I can do what I can…and pray for you! Consider it done! ~Gena~
Listen to the comfort above, there is nowhere else to go but Jesus, I will be praying.
Have I ever questioned God??????? Yes, on many occasions, especially after my 22 yr marriage ended in divorce and all hell broke out with my 3 teenagers. After six years, I am still struggling financially. I have clung close to Him anyway because He has shown me that in time, He ALWAYS takes me to a better place. I have learned that my obedience WILL be Blessed in ways much nicer and greater than I imagine. My relationship with Him grows stronger as I walk through each situation. It sounds weird and contradictory but true. But in response to your question….I can only share what was shared with me by a friend who has a similar past as you….So, Where was God when you were being abused? Because God will not interfere with self will, God was with you while you were being abused and was WEEPING for you and with you. Only until we accept him as Lord and Savior, is He free to influence our steps and choices. My 2 cents: Keep in mind that your life was spared and that although difficult has afforded you the opportunity to know God and His love. He promises that this pain is but for a season….IT WILL NOT LAST FOREVER !! HE WILL RESTORE YOU TO WHOLENESS. . This WILL have a happily ever after ending. I suspect you know that or you wouldn’t keep putting one foot in front of the other. The only way to get past the pain of the past is to go through it. Hang in there. ((HUGS))
Yes, at times I question God for the very reason you stated. I don’t know if i have an answer or not. It’s funny because I just got done discussing this with my pastor. Here’s the only thing I can reason out. God gave us freewill. We used our freewill to allow sin to come into the world, and God is TEMPORARILY allowing us to see just how evil sin really is, even to the point that innocent people will suffer at the expense of other’s sin. The thing that is hardest for us to see is the big picture of eternity. We tend to only look at what’s happening now. If you compare the amount of time that God is allowing evil to exist here on earth with eternity, it’s just a blip. A moment in time. We have a hard time grasping that we will live forever in eternity in God’s presence where there will be no more sorrow or evil. So, I don’t know if that helps at all.
Larry
I forgot to add this scripture – Romans 8:18 – For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time ARE NOT WORTHY to be compared WITH THE GLORY which SHALL BE REVEALED IN US!
My dear Heather,
I suppose I love reading the psalms because they processed their pain and came to the conclusion that God was indeed in control, that HE loved them, and that He was the MAN with thr PLAN! I appreciate your openness, your desire to not be phony, and your plea for brothers and sisters to come alongside you in prayer. Continue to run to Jesus…He never wastes a sorrow. And above all, know HE indeed loves you…I am praying and will continue to do so…Paula
Hey. I do not have any answers and have wondered the same things….I think we all have…..we all know there is evil at work, but none of us can understand – especially when the victims are young and innocent…..it makes no sense to the human mind. I just have to trust that God in his infinite wisdom has a plan and it is all for the good…..it sometimes does defy the workings of my simple mind…. The song “Only Trust Him” is coming to mind now…. I am sorry I do not have any words of wisdom, but your posters above said most everything….
Thanks for your comment to me. Yes, it is amazing how he came to this earth and remained without sin……I can’t seem to come close to that on a good day!
Have a blessed week. You will be in my prayers. <>< Melody ><>
Heather~
God wants your whole heart. Those who have been hurt deepest are the ones who know the depth to which they can love. God is preparing all those who have accepted he gift of grace to be conformed to the image of Christ. Christ allowed the world to mistreat him without reviling but left what was being done to him completely in the hands of His father. Even Christ yelled out My God, My God, why have you forsaken me. I will not pretend to know your pain. I read you testimony a month ago and have grieved with you since. Consider ultimately what God wants out of you for an eternity… a willful heart that will always reject sin and always choose to love Him at all cost. Maybe this deep pain and rejection was a eternal lesson to your soul that will remind you that life apart from God is hell and that you will always choose His presence over knowing good and evil… for I believe that in the new heaven and the new earth we will yet again have this choice but now through being trained by the Lord’s discipline we will have yielded the peaceful fruit of righteousness and always choose to love him with our whole heart mind strength… our entire being will praise the Lord. Understand that there is much of the story that is spoken in brokeness and pain because of sin. Hold onto your name and remind yourself of it. For you are chosen, holy and dearly loved and now you have a whole new way to clothe yourself (Col 3:12) I would never wish what you have gone through on anyone for the details are horrific and shamful… I can only image the hell we would be enduring if he would choose to give up on us. I’m grateful for his patience and longsuffering with us.
I hope this makes sense… Hebrews 12 is where I was coming from with some of this.
I love you sister!
YBI Christ,
JC
I kid you not my last post was almost lost but God told me to copy it before I hit submit and my internet crashed… (c:
by the way communal journaling is what is happening in our midst… you can read the previous two post of mine to maybe better understand the questions behind… how deep does it go and how far does it travel? I don’t know but I’m willing to allow God to teach me.
Wow
that’s tough stuff…
This reallyshows for me the lasting affect of Child abuse…how sad….
For me to say i know specifically why in your case would be foolish of me…
But WE do know He has a reason…
I think most people question G-d but I really think that is ok. I think to discover anything you must question. I don’t know why bad things happen to good people. Maybe, there is free will (and G-d doesn’t intervene), I don’t know. We need to live a life that is good for us (and in effect – will be a good life for others). That is how we honor ourselves, others, and G-d. The other stuff I don’t know.
Much peace and laughter~~
Heather – there is no way I can begin to imagine the pain, suffering and anquish you have experienced and are experiencing … but I nonetheless hurt inside as you share your thoughts. Please forgive me if the words I am about to share belittle that pain in any way.
While in His earthly ministry Jesus was 100% God, He was also 100% man. I can’t help but wonder … Did He sense a somewhat similar betrayal when Judas sold him out for a bag of coins or when Peter denied Him? Did His human mind question ‘Why?’ as He went thru kangaroo courts and endured mockery, beatings and scourgings as a completely innocent man? What was going through His mind as He struggled down the via DelaRosa in route to Golgotha, a man nearly beaten to death in route to crucifixion? Or as He hung suffering and dying on the cross for the very people who were doing all this to Him – who either hated Him or abandoned Him? What kind of anguish did He really experience in the garden? How must He have felt when the Father and Holy Spirit He is so intimately One with, forsook Him on the cross at His greatest hour of need? … Do I have some simple answer for your pain. Absolutely not. I just wanted to assure you that you have a Lord and Savior who truly shared in and understands your pain. My prayer is that it would be His will that He would wipe away your pain and give you rest in the midst of your walk with Him. Praying … Bernie
I hear your pain Heather and my heart breaks for you. Dont ever feel that you need to keep it under wraps from us. Most of us are in pain also…
You probably already know how I feel about all of this…but I really really believe that this world is filled with falleness and goodness. We need to go all the way back to the dawn of man to really get to the reason for the falleness of this world. Would any of us chosen any different than Adam and Eve? They chose on behalf of man and God in his mercy didn’t banish us from existance altogether, although he sure couldve and almost did at the flood. All men, all the time, thinking and doing evil. Because God wanted us to choose to worship him and to have a life and eternity filled with good , he had to create us with free will. I am so glad he did. I would hate to be a puppet. What fun would there be in that???? That wouldn’t even be living if you ask me. But with that free will is choices and satan takes advantage of that free will and distorts it and uses it to harm others. I love the phrase that Joseph used in the OT…what was meant for evil, God used for good. God didn’t choose to have you harmed as a child. Just like he doesnt choose to have 35,000 children die today alone from hunger related causes. That is man. Not God. If we were puppets it would be different. But we can choose as people to ignore the abuse that is happening to children all over the US and the world. We can choose to ignore the starving children that do not deserve that to happen to them. This world is fallen because we have free will to choose. Not because God wanted it that way. If he had wanted us to suffer like this, he wouldnt have created man and woman in the Garden without sin and in a perfect relationship with him. Man is the one who fell and is the one who abused you. Does that mean that God is not there. No. God is here. He hurts for us. He saves our tears in his wine skin. He did what he had to, to fix our mistake. Part of him, had to die. For us. Because of us. He knows what you went through and are going through. But because of our choices we are abused, and neglected and starved by fellow humans.
I will never believe that God put you through what you went through because he wanted it to be that way. He would be condoning evil and he cannot. Otherwise why did Jesus have to die? God does not condone evil, he does not put someone in an evil situation. But he does use those situations to turn it to good. He knows every single thing that was ever done to you Heather. He was there and he is there with the children who are dying of aids, and the ones who are starving to death and the ones who are being abused. But the fact is that we live in a fallen world with satan on a chain that he roam around on and harm us. Just because satan is roaming around, doesnt mean that God isnt there. It all comes down for me to being or not being puppets on a string. If we are not puppets than the choices abound. If choices are there, some will make bad ones that hurt the innocent.
I am glad that I am not a puppet and that I can choose God. Otherwise what would be the point?
I hope I made sense there… You know that this is a difficult area for me also with the pain that I have and am going through. I read something yesterday that struck me. Someone said that they didn’t leave their abusive and addicted mate because they loved them and were afraid if they left, the mate would die. You know how much that hit home to me? I am so trapped in this life and life hurts so much for me also. I am just so glad that I have you to continue to walk down this journey of life with.
((hugs))
Heather,
I don’t think there is anything here that I could possibly say that has not already been said. If you will, here is a short expression about how to deal with such things written on my brother’s site:
Luke 6
“46″Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say? 47I will show you what he is like who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice. 48He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. 49But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete.”
I will make a simple note here, not really too much to explain…In this parable we are familar with the concept that you should build your house/home with a foundation in God and God’s Word. I offer as well for you to read over this and notice that the storms came to both. Tribulations do not pass because you are with God, but through God you may endure them. Do not say “Lord, why have these hurts come to me?” Hurts come to everyone, but if you are strong in God, then you can take them in stride, if not, you will be swept away. Still, in the end, tribulations come to everyone, not just those with or without God. Make certain your foundation is strong, because these storms come to us all.”
I, too, share this background that you have lifted up to other xangians, which I admit must’ve taken some ounce of courage. To share that story can be very emotionally draining at times, depending on the strength of your memory of the incident. I understand this well, for I hold each memory of my experience; nothing was suppressed, although I was quite young. Nevertheless, I have never blamed God for what happened to me, merely for the fact that it gives me a chance to understand others (as one xangian declared up above). In addition, it sort of defines the person that I am, and has made me grow closer to God – fearing if I did not, then I would become the horrible person that commits these types of acts. I will keep you in my prayers, and I ask that you step back and ask the question “Who would I be without this experience”; sometimes negative experiences can affect your life in a positive way.
JR
P.S. Thank you for pushing my topic to the next step on my site. This is where I was trying to get people take the conversation, but I fear that many do not want to read the entirety of the post. The portion that you said was excluded had to be withheld since it was not the topic of the paper – and would have offset the purpose. Nevertheless, that was a seperate notion that was detailed in the discussion and conclusion for further study, which I neglected to post. I will post on your comment later this afternoon; please feel free to come back and visit.
Heather,
God is beyond our comprehension… for me in coping and learning about Him I have had to learn to just let go of finding all the answers and trust Him, I can say it in a sentence but it is taking years to implement… I am praying for you, have been for a while your hurt is deep and only the Great Physician knows how to comfort you… I will pray that He speaks to you through His word today…
Elizabeth
(((Heather))) I too am a survivor of childhood abuses, and also rape as a teen & adult abuse later on. I have questioned mightily. Have I received answers? Well, yes and no. I believe one day I’ll get more of what I seek. I have come to a place where I just let go and rest on Abba’s big chest & strive to hear the beat of the only heart I really want to hear.
See, the thing is, if he reached down & stopped all our abusers in their tracks he’d be stopping freewill momentarily. For freewill to be truly what he intended it to be for all of us, he must allow it, no matter how ugly it can be used by some. For him to decide who to let use it and not would not be freewill any longer.
It’s not that he cared more about letting your abuser have their freewill, he cared & still cares for you. I believe he is with us for every pain, every inflicition of evil done to us, and that he shares our tears. In fact Psalm 56:8 says he puts our tears into his bottle. What we endure shapes who we are. Stay strong Heather, don’t let your abuser control your life any further. Take the stand of a survivor and refuse to be a victim any longer. Love & peace to you!
{{{{ Hugs }}}} {{{Prayers }} Thanks for sharing your story. I can’t add anything profound, but by opening yourself and telling us what you went thru we get a better picture of Satan. Sometimes we get complacent and forget how truly horrible and destructive sin is. Satan wants to gloss over evil and keep it hidden. While we shouldn’t dwell on evil, we shouldn’t cover it up. Everyone debates the merits of God. Why don’t we talk about Satan? Let’s expose what he is doing to the innocents of this world. You have my prayers.
“You wish to understand the mind of God…. Where were you when the universe was formed from nothingness? Were you sent for advise when the insect wings were designed? When the rib was pulled from Adam’s side did you fashion woman?” These are the sort of questions God asked Job’s friends. In other words… this life, this creation, our world and God’s plan are bigger than we can ever understand. That is why it takes faith to please God…. and faith to accept your past.
You are a victim. But God was not and is not the abuser! Unless through creation you find Him guilty, or perhaps He should change His plan and had never allowed sin to enter the world. Perhaps we could have saved ourselves all this pain and sorrow if only He had asked us? I hope I don’t offend you with my intentional sarcasm. My point is this, if we question God (yes, as David did) then question… and if we trust God then trust (as David did!) For by questioning we can see the futility of comparing our reasoning to the mind of God and see that trust is the only real choice. I don’t have the answers but I do know that God’s way are perfect and that our free will is not more powerful than God’s love. Where was God when Joni Tada dove into the water? Where was God when Joseph was beaten to near death by his brothers and sold into slavery? Where was God when those seven children in one family died in a car crash last week? Where was God during the great flood? Where was God when Moses was floating in a basket on the Nile? God was and is in the same place…loving us and working ALL things together for good… His good. (Romans 8:28) Praise God! …that He spared your life! Praise God that He tendered your heart to receive Jesus Christ! Praise God that His Spirit lives in you!
Remember that our life here is but a vapor. Eternity is our hope. Stop looking back at the shadows and move forward in the Light of eternity. When you received Christ, the “old man” died and with it all the old sin and pain of your unsaved life. Stop trying to resuscitate what is dead. Rejoice instead that your name is written in the Lamb’s Book of Life!
I will be praying that you will grasp the length, width, depth and heighth of God’s love for you and that you will find peace from the turmoil of your past. I recently read an excellent book by Anne Graham Lotz (billy Graham’s daughter called “Why?” very short and very good. Here is the summary from her webpage:…”In this volume, Anne shares her heart and God’s teachings on the universal problem of suffering, using the familiar story of Lazarus. This small book presents a simple, powerful message that is sure to bring comfort and new meaning to all who are suffering themselves or know others who need a special touch from God. It will help you understand and deal with suffering by leading you to the One Who knows your needs, shares your grief, sheds your tears and promises glory to come! Based on John 11. Foreward by Joni Eareckson Tada. ”
sorry this is so broken in thought.. I’ve written bits and pieces over the last couple hours. my heart hurts for you. may your day today be more joy filled.
I pray that God will deliver you from those horrible memories. Keep looking to Jesus. I love you.
God bless you! It was as if I was reading my own daughters questions. I did not know until recently that my ex husband had molested my daughter at the age of 10. And get this, he was a minister of music!!!! The devil is alive and well and sex has always been the strongest of desires and used for evil. He does give us a choice to make and the devil wins most of the time. I can not imagine as a child being molested by an adult who is suppose to love and protect you. But I think you already know the answers to your questions. God brought you thru it and now He will give you the tools to bring you out of it. Just by acknowledging that God is your Savior already tells me you are healing. Use your pain to give God the glory. Help others thru their pain and let them see they can overcome it. I think just by asking these questions you have started the healing process for someone else besides yourself. Thats what God does…. he uses our circumstances for good. I’ve always felt that in our lives we are either going into a storm, in the middle of a storm, or coming out of a storm but God is always right there beside you. Yes, your abuser was probably abused too (just as my ex was) but YOU can be the one who stops the cycle of abuse with your faith in God.
I will be praying for you and that your faith continues to grow stronger and stronger each day, and that Satan’s lies will flee from you! When Satan starts knocking on that door (abuse) again, Just say…..”Jesus will you get that for me?”
Hi Heather. You have had some great comments and i too would be very out of place if i said i knew the reasons why. I know that God did not turn a blind eye or a deaf ear to your situation, that He saw every act, felt every pain, saw every tear and held them in His hand..somewhere in scripture it speaks of God catching our tears and holding them, saving them for the time when there will be no more tears, no sorrow or pain. When Christ was suffering the pain He went thru, the torture, the cruelty, the tears as drops of blood, God was there too. We live in a world covered with pain, clouded with sin, disease, hurt, bitterness, suffering, loneliness…holacausts of all types to all kinds of people, does it mean God is not aware? I know He is, and He is broken when each one is committed..each act He feels deeply. Even if we knew the answers, the reasons, the long term results, would the answers be adequate for us? Would we accept them and say …Oh ok. At this point, all that i can do is pray for a healing of the past, a lifting of your spirit, a peace about where you are now, for forgiveness to those who hurt you, a freedom from its torture of you still after so many years…if satan had his way we all would suffer these things, we would all die horrible deaths at the hands of others…but by grace we live..we have hope beyond this life and its pain…that is what i hold to..sufficient for the day is the evil there in….hope, life, peace, truth, love, compassion…the fruit of the spirit…i pray for your peace and hope and renewal..lots of words i know…but God rebuilds lives from the inside out…no matter what has been done to the outside….may His words and spirit give you understanding and a glimpse into the lives of others that you bring hope to…yer ol bro…)m(
Ah, that is so good! God often whispers to us through the godly words and actions of others. I have often been asked by those who experience deep personal trauma “Why” they had to “go through it” or “Where was God in it?” These are common for this. We often forget we live in a sin-fallen world, with sin-fallen folks, who do awful things. We begin to think that if God is love, then where was the love in this situation of hurt and pain? Yet, God is love. He loved us so much He allowed His Son to come and die for us. Where were we when that happened? Where was God? We were in our sin and God was still love. The pain of life does not end until we see face-to-face our gain in life, Jesus Christ. Even Christians experience the pain of this existence, but let me tell you a wonderful secret: This is not all there is! Your eternal quality and hope is not dependent upon this life! Those who trust Jesus have entered behind the veil with Him. While we live in this world, we live in Him. And when this life is gone, we still live on with Him! This is our hope and anchor for our souls, the joy of our heart’s desire, our true happiness. No tragedy, sorrow, or pain can take that away from us. Can it make us question? Absolutely! But God is gracious and His shoulders big and broad. He knows that we do not see as He does. We see only in a mirror dimly, but He sees all of time and most important of all — He sees us! Yes He does. He sees and knows you now, in the past, and He sees your wonderful future. Praise the Lord for friends who offer such good words of hope and whisper His love to you.
Heather,
Please know that you have sisters in Christ that have been on the same journey of healing from sexual abuse. Both my sister and I were abused by my father and because it was never dealt with, the sin continued onto both our first born daughters. The saddest part is that we were raised in a Christian home. My father had attended a christian college and was studying for the ministry but never did complete it. We were the type of family that was in church every time the doors were open. We sat in the local jails while my father preached to the inmates, etc. What mixed messages we were raised with……………………one father at church and another one at home, but yet the same person. The sin was finally exposed to light after finding out that my father had been touching my daughter. I had a nervous breakdown, was hospitalized, and began sharing what had brought me to this point. (God even provided me with a christian therapist while I was in the hospital.) Of course, the law was immediately brought in to the picture and my father was taken into legal custody that very day. Long story short……………..he didn’t hire an attorney, he admitted to all charges, and he spent his time in jail. He was able to get out a bit earlier than his original sentencing due to my entire family (mom, brother, sister and I) all agreeing to go to weekly family counseling with my dad at a program for sex offenders. We did end up learning that my father (whose family of origin is so messed up and I do feel so sorry for the childhood my father had too) was molested by the neighbor man that he was so often left with. As the professionals will tell you………..most “abused” become “abusers”. Well, I am here as a testimony that with God’s grace and His help, THE LINE HAS BEEN DRAWN IN THE SAND, and I have crossed over that line, leaving the past behind me. There will be no more sexual abuse as a generational sin in my family. The sin has been brought to the light and has been shattered. As many have shared with you before me, I DO believe that God can take what Satan meant for our destruction, and can turn it into an experience that can be used for His good. He promises to NEVER give us more than we can handle………..and today is just one of those days you are saying “Are you sure about that God?” I think He is lovingly winking and smiling at you knowing that YOU know but just need some reassurance. Crawl into His loving arms and let Him be the “daddy” we were meant to experience. Please know I am always here for ya and you can email me if you ever need a little one on one with a sis in Christ.
I want you to know that I will pray for you. I am so sorry for what has happened to you. I just wanted to give you a hug! I wrestle with so many questions.
tee-hee
Hmmm… looking at the seriousness of your post, I’d better point out that “tee-hee” is in response to your comments on MY page.
I know what it is to question Him and His ways. I guess all I can really say is that:
1) I really do believe (and I think with good reason) that we are all going to be at the Judgement, and that everyone present (headed to punishment or reward) will walk away from the Judgement with a complete and utter sense that ALL of His ways, ALL of His judgements, and every nuance of what has happened in all human existance was somehow EXACTLY RIGHT, and precisely according to plan. But I fully acknowledge that I don’t allways see things that way, in the here and now. I could never make such a statement, but that it seems to me the correct outworking of Scripture.
2) I also see that when really questioning God “comes to a head” in Scripture, it happens in the book of Job. I get the sense that Job comes away from his experience with a sense of peace about the whole thing. The resposne that the Lord gives him is “Where were you, oh man, when I created the foundations of the Earth?” But it seems that in the end, Job doesn’t feel that he’s being given the riot act, but instead a tremendous peace in knowing that God is utterly sovereign and in control.
This may not be of any help to you at all, but it has somehow been very helpful to me. I’m also not conviced that your situation has anything to do with that man’s free will. I used to think that way, but i don’t any longer. What happened to Job was not an exercise in free will. It seems to me that instead it was incredible demonstration of just how much better good is that evil, and God than Satan. But also recognize that in Job’s book, his friends try to give him all the answers, and they are all wrong. I don’t have the answers. Only He has them.
Take care, and thank you for your continued (and humorous) comments on my page.
God bless you and your family.
“…but I am hurting right now, and feeling that somehow that void has to be filled. This not knowing is really hurting.”
I understand. You’re in my prayers.
many have written things here that i could try to put into my own words. but instead, i’m just going to say that i can’t begin to imagine the pain you’ve gone through and are going through, and i will be praying for you.
ryc…thanks for your prayers as well!
(((HUGS))))
love you, Heather!!!!
Hi there….I know the bible says we will not be here when times get rough…but some do believe we will….
Anyhow, as far as your dad abusing you…God has given us all free will. Yes, sometimes He does step in, sometimes He doesn’t. I think He is the only One who can really answer that for you hun. I wish I could…but look at you now, you have a relationship with Him…if all that didn’t happen to you, maybe you wouldn’t have your name written down in Glory????
I was reading in my book (Jewish Renewal) and it talked a lot about what you are dealing with (where is G-d, when there is so much pain). It says, “The very thought that the world, including our childhoods, could have been different is so overwhelming that many people will do anything not to understand it. To be “mature” on their accounts is to learn to accept that the distortations and cruelty and lack of recognition we experience as children are fundamental to how the world is. Rather, the world’s flaws are fundamental, created by G-d, part of the structure of neccesity. Most of us are drawn into dreamlike states in which the evil of the world seems inevitable, and those who seek to eliminate evil are fools”…
I thought that might pertain to what you are searching through (maybe not). Much peace & tranquility!!!
Heather – there is no need to apologize for what you are feeling. How we work through our struggles – not the problems themselves - plays a huge part in defining and confirming our faith. And that is a part of God’s plan. I can’t begin to imagine what a burden you must carry. I’m still praying that Jesus will give you the release and rest you seem to be seeking… Bernie
Heather I have been pondering this statement since you posted it. And yes I thought,where was God? Looking down at the sinful man,and crying for you. Where was God? how could he not stop this awful abuse? Where was God when Jesus was on that cross? Crying,watching His Son suffer.He could have called legions of angels,he could’ve shook the earth,and let all around him die,and spared His Son.But that was not the purpose of the cross, He let Him die,so that we may live.
I look at your testimony, at the choices from confusion you made, and can see God pulling you toward Him. He wanted you to see a true Father,one of love,power,strength,compassion,judicial,provider,shepherd,comfortor,the I Am.He wanted you to find Him in the book of life,to know that our time on earth is temporary,but the gates of Heaven are open wide to you,for eternity.No more crying no more pain-eternity of freedom.And you found Him! It doesnt erase the horrible horrible horrible things that happened to you.I honestly cannot imagine. But you have a ministry of healing, of support for anyone who has been abused. You can read it in the comments above.You can reach out to the hurting,and tell them the love that the Father has for them.
our questions about God bring to mind an acuser not worthy of the type it takes to write this.You are ministering to people and the deciever doesnt like it.He will conjure up memories,questions to mess with your mind.Put on the armor of God daily. You will be attacked because you are a servant of the most High God.
Read the stories in your Beth Moore book,Praying God’s Word,pages 192-200. These families suffered loss,but they have a testimony of Gods word strengthening them.
I was never abused but I suffered the loss of my mom,and sister to cancer. I questioned God about my mom.She left 19,17,15(me) and 10 year old kids. I have never experienced the mother/daughter relationships that other women have.My sisters death was a walk in faith through her illness,and God was there.Now her daughters go through what I have experienced. One day I will see them whole,no more pain no more suffering and WE WILL WORSHIP THE LORD TOGETHER! HALLELUJAH! Hugs hugs hugs Heather, i’m sooo soo sorry for your suffering, Your sister in Christ,Becky
Hi, I came by to thank you for your prayers for me! I see that your hurting very much, and I am sorry for that. ( I really am) I did not read anyone elses post to you so If I repeat someone I am sorry. I dont think that there really is much anyone can say, that is a pretty tuff question to answer, I know God was there but I am sure that you know that. I dont think any pat answer will really bring you the peace you need. All I know to tell you is that satan is at work here on the earth, God gave him dominion. evil exists and holds our lives hostage making life very hard. I know that there are times were all we can do is hold on to God for dear life. I think more people ask those questions, why dose God intervine here and not there. And the truth is we dont know! I am not going to pretend to know, or to understand what your going through or went through. Just know you have a friend and I am praying for God to bring you the peace you need and deserve.
I can’t answer why God didn’t stop those things. But I do know from God’s word and from Experience that He uses all things for the good of those who love him. You’re openess and vulnerability may will help others start or continue in their own healing process. It might not make you feel better, it might not make the memories go away…but God will surely use these experiences…and someone out therere will be feeling a lot less alone
WOW Heather – you have so many people who care – you must feel so blessed. I already commented on your situation and you visited my site as well, but wanted you to know that I am going to subscribe to your site so that I can keep up on what’s going on in your life. Bless you – you are a beloved child of the King. Love, Sheryl
Heather thanks for the comment in your post that you will continue on .
So many things were said that is really good for healing . it’s a start ..
I do know your pain even thou my parents took me to church .
there was still abuse ..
So I still ask God why but now I am at the place (just reasently ) at the place of trusting what God has put in my heart to trust Him.. Why are people allowed to prey on inoccent childern ..
For Me there is nothing i can do myself about the past …All I know is that God has showen Himself Trustworthy in my life and I will pray that God shows you too.It’s Happened to alot of people to more that I care to think about so lets try to Help each other understand Gods word in this aspect ..
and really get to the future generations so the same things don’t happen to them.(I hope this Helps?)