January 25, 2006
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Update
Just a quick note, the three hours he skated with his friend were good. He enjoyed himself and the mom was there, so they were not unsupervised. Sometimes I think that parenting is walking such a tightrope, and I have no plumb line to measure with, but I learn as I go.
Have a blessed night.
I will put up the last church sometime tomorrow. Tonight I am going to my friend’s house to do another segment in the Revelation study of Kay Arthur with the girls. We are in the fourth part, and have spent over two years studying Revelation, now is the time when lots of things are coming together. What is really blowing my mind is how much the Old Testament prophets prophesied about what will happen in Revelation. It follows through. Several times we have made timelines comparing prophesies from all over the Bible and it all lines up. God is so awesome.
Right now I could use a little prayer for depression and a bit of advise. My husband gave my son permission to go skating with a girl friend. Problem is, we have never met her, but supposedly her mom is driving them to the skating rink. My husband did not think it necessary for him to meet this family.
I spoke to my husband that this was not such a wise move, and it came to me that we have to lay down some real dating rules for the kids, something that has never come up until today. My middle son (the one skating) is 15-almost 16, but I have a 17 year old son and a 13-almost 14 year old daughter. Funny how these things creep up on us.
I pointed out to my husband that in the future we should meet the girl and parents, something that mortifies my middle son, for I guess we are uncool.
I never grew up in a normal household and dating wasn’t something that I did, (You can read my testimony 10/7/05 if you wish), and what I did do I certainly want my kids to not replicate.
My natural inclination is probably to lay down too many rules in a zeal of wanting to protect my kids, but that isn’t good either. We have had the usual parent/kid talks about marriage and sex and that one should wait until marriage, etc. Spoke to them about treating girls with respect, and being responsible.
So, not knowing exactly what is “normal” I would be blessed to know what you consider reasonable rules for dating. I have my ideas but it sure would be nice to hear from those who have survived these teenage years and learn from other’s experience.
Thanks
Heather
Comments (18)
I only have daughters and neither has dated yet. Well, oldest has been to one dance with a boy and youngest has been to two dances. Since we have girls, the “rule” is that the boy has to come to the door, and come in the house briefly so we can meet him. I think the part about meeting the parents might be a bit harder and not so often done? Since you have the boy though and he is supposed to pick up the girl, not sure how you’d meet the girl, unless you or your husband did the driving. Raising teens is not easy!
The Old Testament is the New Testament contained…and the New Testament is the Old Testament fulfilled.
Have a blessed day!
Michele
I’ve still got some time to decide about these things…. but it’s fast approaching. I know that my daughter’s mother and I will have very different opinions about this topic. (She’s definately not in the place that I am, spiritually.) I worry, but long ago I gave my daughter back to the Lord. I will never be able to be there for her as much as I’d like. (She lives over an hour away.) So far, I’m so genuinely thankful with how my daughter has turned out. For all the heartache in her life, she’s a very bright, fun, upbeat child. I’ve asked Him to be her protector when I can’t, and He’s been so faithful to me.
I’m not sure what I’m going to do, when the time comes. But I know that I’ve seen and heard over and over again that the biggest thing that cuases teenage girls trouble is when something is wrong in their love relationship with their father. I might get a lot wrong, but the one thing I think I’m getting right is making sure that in the little time I get with her, I focus on making sure I show her passionate, unconditional, fatherly love and fun and respect and satisfaction.
I pray that it will pay off for her good, and it certainly does for the here and now.
Thanks for your encouraging words on my blog. Parenting isn’t easy and it never ends. My son I asked for prayer for is 25. One thing I learned from the younger years is to not let fear determine your rules. It’s tough because we know many things they’re facing and they are convinced “it won’t happen to them” whatever the it may be. But the bible says that perfect love cast out fear and I try to remember that even now. Yes, meet as many of your kids friends you can. The parents may be harder because of schedules and many other parents won’t share your concerns. Know what’s going on. We were blessed that our kids attended a small school so it was easier to know their peers. Listen to you instinct – it sounds like it’s pretty good and I believe it, too, is a gift from God.
Hi heather.Can’t really give some ideas of dating because I haven’t experienced date yet. But really it’s gud to have some dating rules for your kids,.they just have to be reminded the word of God on how to deal their girlfrnd.
stick to what you’v planned.Godbless you and your famly.
mary
I just read your testimony. I don’t have the words to decribe all that I feel and felt while reading your story. My past is nowhere the degree of yours, but I have many hurts from it. Reading your tesitmony reaffirms the truth and shines a bright light on the fact that while we were His enemies, Christ died on the cross for us. And that if I were the only human on earth, Christ would have still come to give up His life. He has been shaping me lately and making me understand and apply the truths of all He did to protect me way before I ever believed. Thank you for sharing your story — I wish I had some advice and encouragement for you, but all God wants me to tell you is that He does love you, He really loves you.
~Peggy~
We did not allow our children to date AT ALL before their 16th birthday. Until then they could do all the group co-ed things that were properly supervised they liked. Once they began dating, we expected to meet the date beforehand.
My daughter will turn 23 this weekend and my son is 24. She still won’t date guys who won’t meet her Popa or go to church. She says she refuses to “missionary date.” Our son is still waiting on Miss Right too.
Read “Dating Mindsets” if you want to know more.
Heather
My wife and I have raised three kids, by God’s grace, all in their mid-20s who know and love the Lord like we do. I would tend to agree with your husband that it is NOT necessary to meet the girl and her family if it is just one date. If it gets REAL serious, then, yes……I see your point. But if you do this TOO soon in a relationship your kids WILL be mortified!
Chet
Dear Heather,
Thank you for posting the date that you had written your testimony…I just finished reading your journey. My heart is so heavy for you, and I now know how to better pray for you. Thank you for sharing your precious heart…God bless you, my sister. “The Lord your God is with you. He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you. He will quiet you with HIS love. HE will rejoice over you with singing.” (Zephaniah 3:17) Listen for HIS love song that He is singing to you, Heather…With much love and many prayers, PAula
Heather — I have three daughters that basically I raised on my own because although their dad and I were together till the youngest was 13, he was “married to his job” and not to me… he was never home! He’s not a Christian, but respected my faith and never kept me from raising them in the church; and at least we agreed on these issues. From the time they were old enough to begin learning and understanding about dating, abstinence, etc., it was taught to them. Our #1 rule was NO dating before they were 16 years old, including school dances! Fortunately, because of the love we had for my children, and their friends, it just seemed that my home was always the “hangout” for their friends, which allowed me to know both their female and male friends. When it came to homecoming and proms, I knew the young men well — they knew my ground rules and respected them. They came to my home to pick the girls up — no meeting them somewhere, etc.; knew and respected curfew; knew and respected “where” my girls were allowed to go; and always with another couple! My girls chose friends pretty wisely — my middle daughter had a couple girl friends that we had problems with, but that’s part of the growing up experience. It was ONLY by the grace of God, I know, that I didn’t run into problems. My middle daughter was the only one who ever had a steady boyfriend while living at home — and he was the most respectful young man you’d ever want to know… they’d go out to eat or to a movie once in a while, but mostly just hung out at our home — it was the first “real” family life he’d experienced (his own family was a mess so he chose to live with his grandparents, which was wise). In fact, it appeared that he would one day be my son-in-law; however, when my daughter went to college and got involved in Intervarsity Christian Fellowship like her older sister was, things changed. Her values (as well as my oldest daughter’s already being so) became even stronger, and especially when it came to dating. Both my older girls read the book, “I’ve Kissed Dating Good-bye” (or something like that) and made the decision to NOT date until they were finished with their education, and until they were certain God had them spiritually prepared to meet their mate. Well, both are in grad school — and both still don’t date (ages 24 & 23 — and so far, my 20yr old hasn’t either)! Like you and all good parents, I wanted the best for my children, but had the same worries you do about yours. As long as you have instilled in them what you expect of them, and continually encourage them so (without overkill on the subject), you have to put them in God’s hands completely and keep praying for them!!! Make sure they know YOU TRUST THEM, and that they can always talk to you about anything, and that you are always there for them, and as a Christian parent, I’m sure you’ve done that. We as parents are still going to “worry” — we’re human — and God know this.
Well, while home over the holidays, the topic of dating someday actually came up. All 3 of my girls thanked me for teaching them about dating, “the opposite sex”, abstinence, having strict rules, etc. and how important this has always been in their lives. They know that when it’s the “right” time, and “if” God has chosen a mate for them, they will meet him. I was like, “WOW!!! Thank You, God for these totally amazing children you blessed me with!!!”
I will be praying for you, Heather, as you deal with this issue. I know it’s not easy. It never is. Make sure you have the openness with them at all times. Entrust them to God’s care totally and ask Him to give you the peace and assurance that you have done YOUR best — that’s all you can do — and pray!
God bless you sister. Have a blessed Thursday!
Because of Jesus,
We have a married daughter 23, a married daughter 21, and a 17 year old son at home. Our rules were, if you are interested in dating, we want to know them. Bring them around so we can see what kind of person you are liking etc. Whether it was a dating relationship or just friend. We always wanted to know who the parents were and met them at lease once. We had curfews for all our kids and if they were going to be later, a call was necessary or there would be a penalty.
You are the parent, you say what goes. You answer to God for how you raised your kids…..no one else does. As they grow older and give you reason to trust them, you loosen the lines by changing the time they are allowed to be out. It’s a trust thing between you and them. If they break it, then there’s reprocussions. If they don’t, then you reward them. Until they have given you reason not to trust them, let them know somehow that you do trust them. But I say, it’s always a good idea to meet the parents! It also gives the other parents more peace about who their kids are hanging with as well.
Parenting is a mixture of rules and letting go at the same time. It can be tricky and feel like you’re walking on a balance beam…..but you really are! To be too strict, might push them into rebellion. To be to loose might get them in trouble. But at a certain point you will want to be out of a job as you release them finally into the world. If they haven’t learned a few things while under your roof…then what was the use? Teach them to be responsibly independant of you. When they are gone, you can be more at ease that you did the best you could and hopefully they listened! Relationship and communication are so very important. They won’t like the rules sometimes…….but so what. As long as they don’t doubt your love for them. As long as you communicate that you are doing the best you know how as a parent. The teen years can be so difficult. So many misunderstandings….but stay on your knees and do what God is leading and somehow it should work out!
Be a team with your husband. Settle your disagreements behind closed doors. You must be a united front with your children. And when there is major disagreements, submit to your husband and give it to God. Sometimes he will be right and sometimes he will be wrong. In the end, it’s your responsibility to submit to God and His Word to live with your husband in that way. Unless he’s asking someone to sin or do something very wrong…….we can’t submit to that!
Lord I pray for this depression over my sister. We all battle it from time to time. Let your Glory cloud descend upon her now. Let your Presence surround and fill her to overflowing. Let darkness be broken over her. Let the Light of your presence break the power of darkness and gloom in Jesus’ Name! Give her wisdom as she is raising her children. Let the relationship with them be more precious than gold. Let Your Kingdom come over this family. Make this family an example of what it means to serve you! Thank you for their witness in the earth! Let your encouragement and comfort now come. In Jesus’ Name!
Heather -I have three adult daughters and one teenage daughter. Your zeal and concern for your boys is well placed. I once heard a man say that the greatest danger to his children (7 boys) was unmonitored peer influence. Unfortunately I did not get that until three of my girls were adults and the damage had been done in two of their lives. Life is much different now for our 13 year old. The Lord desires godly offspring. Go as the Spirit leads and convicts you. Bernie
Heather
sounds like youve got plenty to chew on Just remeber we are Gods child he well never leave us or forsake us .
so cast down the vain thoughts as it says in the bible.remeber the holy spirit was sent to comfort us ..so i will keep you in my prayers .You have so much knowlege of the bible .cast down everything else that exalts itself against the knowlege of Christ . love ya and i’m here for you!=0)
Oh you might think of taking them out to lunch ( your Son and his date)
“Mc ie D’s”just a thought rules are Good! Have fun don’t stress.
tanya had all four wisdom teeth pulled today and is resting her worn and hurting body. they were supposed to pull them several months ago, because of a serious infection – however, she was expecting and it had to wait.
- please keep her in your thoughts and prayers –
:: stoker
My students in my youth group know me as the dating nazi
I think boys are harder than girls to reason with about dating. (or maybe it’s just my kids personalities) Girls know you are trying to protect them and guys just think “don’t you trust me?” My son spent all his social time with the church youth group except for an occasional group date (like a school skating party) until he turned 16. We always asked to meet the girl, but in most cases that meant he had to plan a date to bring her to our house where we got a very condensed version with awkward conversation. Not possible to get anything more than a first impression. Once while in high school he dated a girl for over a year. She seemed innocent enough when they started dating, but it turned out to be a very unhealthy relationship. The girl wasn’t where he was spiritually and it really stunted his spiritual growth. We discouraged him from dating her, but always made sure she felt welcome in our home. We did lay down house rules, never behind any closed doors, no socializing in his bedroom, no hanging out in pj pants…etc. But because we made to rules as situations occured, they were met with some resentment. It would have been much better on our part to work on them as a family before dating had even begun. On the up-side… he did learn a lot from his mistakes and ours. Now he is 20 and is seeing a Godly girl whom he really respects. I also wish before he started dating he had read some books like “Dateable?” and “Every Young Man’s Battle.”
In contrast, my daughter has been better prepared by reading “Every Young Woman’s Battle” (done in a group study of Moms and daughters at our church-not appropriate for younger than High School age teens) ”And the Bride Wore White” “Dateable?” and others that I can’t remember the titles to right now. She is 15 so she hasn’t dated yet and also she is not allowed to call or “go out” with boys. She occasionally reads Brio magazine (Focus on the Family) and frequently visits the website http://www.briomag.com/ Her standards (for guys) are very high even in casual friendships.
Both of my kids attended a “True Love Waits” Rally and my son gave my daughter a TLW ring for her 15th birthday last year. I know many Christians are anti-date and pro-courting, but I’m neither. I think you have to work it out together as a family and as long as parents take an acive role the kids are going to grow through their experiences. I do wish I’d been a little more forceful when I suspected my son’s relationship with his girlfriend was unhealthy. I just praise God for His grace and for bringing him out of that relationship before any long-term damage was done. I think the most important advise I can give you is PRAY for and WITH your kids about friendships and dating. Pray for their future spouses both privately and with them.
Here are a few good resources: on Family- http://www.family.org (Focus on the Family) http://www.lifeway.com (then select family) http://www.crosswalk.com (my personal favorite, I read their marriage articles almost everyday) …for Youth- http://www.lifeway.com/tlw/ (True Love Waits) http://christiananswers.net/teens/home.html (topics for teens) http://www.puritygirls.com/ (created by the awesome music group BarlowGirls) http://www.rudateable.com (from the book dateable?)
If you’ve had the talks, you should be able to trust that what you instilled into your kids will see them thru. I wouldn’t worry about the parents. Let your kids use they’re discernment, and when you talk about her/her family, you can discuss how what they’re like will affect him. But don’t do the ‘rule’ thing – rules are made to be broken, in most teenager’s books.