October 23, 2005

• (Added note) God seems to be working in my life in the area I am writing about. I opened up my Bible for my reading and what did I come to?  1 Corinthians 15:9-10 For I am the least of the apostles, who am not worthy to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me was not in vain; but I labored more abundantly than they all, yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me. Oh can I relate to verse 9, that I am not worthy… (end of added note)

  
  

  A devotional came via the interent today and I was struck by how much it applied to what I am dealing with today (I will include it at the bottom of this page). I do promise to try and write Part 3 of the Bible study later today, but right now there are others who need the computer to begin to write essays, etc.

  
  

  I realized that in a way I have compartmentalized God in my life, letting Him have complete control over some areas and in other areas there was a no trespassing sign. Today I was praying that I want God in charge of every little thing of my life. That is scary to me because I still struggle somewhat with memories of those who were in control of my life when I was a child who had intentions that were not in my best interests.

  
  

  The comment in the devotional below struck me also because I hadn’t thought of obedience out of fear or obedience out of love. I just saw the word OBEDIENCE. But it is true, much of what I used to do was to obey out of fear because as a child my life was threatened literally. If I didn’t do the things my parents wanted instantly, without question, even the repulsive things, then I risked a beating or being killed (literally). My testimony is on Oct.  7 of this month, if you wanted to see that. So I carried this obedience out of fear over to the realm of my obedience to God.

  
  

  Now I have known some Christians to have obedience to God out of fear, you know, if you do that you are going to go to Hell, or God is watching you, so you better be careful what you do or say or think. But somehow, while that keeps us from sinning, I don’t think that is God’s heart for us. I think He really does want us to have obedience out of love.

  
  

  I think that if there was a currency in God’s kingdom it would be love. Sometimes I think that I fail miserably at love. I still struggle with feeling that somehow something was broken inside of me due to my past and that I will never be able to love God in the way that He would like. There isn’t that spontaneity inside of me. Oh I am not cold and calculating, but at the same time I feel like I walk through life looking at others, trying to imitate what is “normal” because I never knew what normal was. So I kind of feel like a fraud. Now people do not see me that way, this is the hurt part inside of me talking, and I do genuinely love people and care about them. But when I look at myself in the mirror I see someone damaged.

  
  

  I was talking with Pastor Don on Thursday and I told Him some of the feelings above, and also told him that there was still a sense of guilt, that somehow I often wonder why God would want me in His kingdom. That maybe I crossed a fine line in my sinning during the years that I was in rebellion to God. I have been dealing with depression, and a lot of thoughts about life being worth living or not, and if I can really be effective in God’s kingdom. It has not been a stellar week emotionally.

  
  

  Pastor Don said that I am like an airplane pilot flying on my perceptions instead of the instruments. He went through possible sins that I might have committed and if I had asked for forgiveness. I hadn’t sinned as I had in my past, and I have asked forgiveness from God when I notice that I have sinned. We talked about how 1 John 1:9 applies If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Pastor Don uses that verse with me a lot. I guess I sort of have an inferiority complex regarding God, and just cannot conceive of his agape love. Then he pointed out that no matter what my feelings are, the instruments show that I am righteous under the blood of Jesus, and that I cannot be what my feelings are trying to convince me that I am. Feelings are not the facts.

  
  

  I am still struggling with depression, am falling off my diet, and wanting to run. So I covet your prayers in this. I will try to write something more of the Bible study later today. Have a blessed day.

  
  

  Here is the devotional:

  
  

  Love God Through and Through
  
  
      “Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law
      of Moses?” Jesus replied, “`You must love the Lord your God
      with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This
      is the first and greatest commandment.”
  
                              — Matthew 22:36-38 (NLT)
  
   
  KEY THOUGHT:
  Total love. That’s what God wants. No more, no less. Total love. Total
  love is different than total obedience. While obedience is important,
  even sometimes necessary even when we don’t understand why, it is not
  love. Obedience can show love, but it can also show fear. If we love
  God, we will obey him. Total love is different than total knowledge.
  Knowledge is good. Knowledge can lead us to know more about God. But
  knowledge can never replace loving God. If we love God, we will be able
  to know him. Total love is not feeling good about God. Some things that
  love asks us to do are not fun and do not leave us feeling good. But
  love does help us develop deep feelings for God. Heart, soul, mind and
  strength. Jesus wants total love. Love from our emotions. Love from our
  spirits. Love from our knowledge. Love in our physical actions. Love
  that reaches in and combines all of who we are and hope to be. Love for
  God is eternal. It joins us to the King of Ages in joyful appreciation
  of all he has done for us, is doing through us, and will do for us in
  the future..
  
  
  TODAY’S PRAYER:
  Lord God Almighty, I reverence your holy name. I want to obey your
  every commandment. I want to become a loving servant and bring glory to
  you for all you have done for me. But most of all Father, I want you to
  know how much I love you. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
  
  
  
  >> The WJD! web page has related scriptures and the
  >> full text of today’s key passage.  Read it at:
     http://www.heartlight.org/wjd/matthew/1023-wjd.html
  
  

  • 9:43 am
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