A bit more of my history, Continued from March 15, 19, and 29th entries.

 

Now that the courts had me at my sister’s house, there was good and bad there. I was very messed up because of the past that I had experienced, and my sister was still dealing with the effects of her abuse as well.

I roomed with her daughter, and she had two smaller sons. Her husband was nice and was the peacemaker of the household. Often he would pull her off of me, and get her to calm down when she was beating me or choking me.. I was not the best of people either, for I was hurting badly.

We settled down and I got used to a new school, for the first time I had friends my own age to play with, and I did very well in Junior High and High School. She was Luthern, so I finally got to attend a real church with the family, and got involved with the church’s youth group. While there were tensions at home, I had some good things happening around me. I got a chance to have a kind of normal life for a bit.

I was 15, and the hormones were raging, and I was very akward, I did not know how to act normal, and that would bother my sister a lot, because she felt that being in her home I should automatically revert to normal. But I wasn’t normal, didn’t know the first thing about it.

I am so grateful she opened up her house to me, I know now how tough that was for her, as I was a reminder of what she had escaped from by an early marriage. I made one big mistake though, and spent some time talking with the Pastor of the church we attended. I needed to talk about the hurt and pain, and the courts did not think I needed a social worker or anyone to help with the transition to my sister’s house. So I told the Pastor about the abuse I had received, shared some of the tough situations at my sister’s house. The Pastor went and told my sister about our talk, and she almost choked me to death. The nerve that I had to air our family’s dirty laundry with this pastor. I learned from that experience never to trust pastors, never to talk about my pain to anyone who was a minister. I figured they couldn’t be trusted. My sister was mortified because now her past was more public.

I still was hurting a lot, so I tried the guidance counselors at school, and one did the best thing she could and got me a social worker. This social worker convinced my sister (I am not stating a name for she is still alive), to get me therapy, so once a week we had to drive to the state hospital for treatment. Problem with clinics is that you get a new therapist ever six months or so, so once you finally build trust (something very difficult with abuse) you are off and running with a new therapist, and have to start all over again. Over the years of clinics that I went to, I ended up being able to summarize my past in less than an hour, of course the dah dah dah sort of presentation served to sever any emotions connected to the past from the past. I just by rote spelled out my history. My sister hated going to the state hospital, for she had to take her kids and they had to be around all the wierdos. When we drove she kept punching my arm, I had a permanent bruise on my left arm.

My sister had one of several surgeries during this time, this one was for ulcers, and since that time she has had 27 major surgeries. She has not learned to forgive my parents, and I really think that this lack of forgiveness eats her up inside literally. She has been high strung and it was not until the death of one of her children from cancer that she finally started getting some therapy, and it was after that that we were able to make amends. She is a good friend now, and we talk as much as we can, although we live far apart.

It was at this time that the hurting became to too much to bear, and I started feeble suicide attempts (when I went back to my mom’s house, the attempts were more serious). I would take asprin or any pill on the leftover pill shelf that my sister had, but never enough. One night I remember having to lay awake and tell myself to breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out for hours. I guess I still had a will to live. I spent hours composing poetry about death, reading books about death, and thinking about death. Things seemed so hopeless and I was filled with despair.

But, at the same time I also had a babysitting job, had some sort of social life, and the sexual abuse stopped. My sister was not all evil, and we had some great times together as well. But walking in that house was filled with landmines pf emotional outbursts from her.

My parents sent $25 in support each week for me, barely covering expenses. And my sister would talk with my mom. She still wanted her parents to be involved with her kids. One Christmas we had to go over to the house and spend a few hours with my parents. Nothing like walking into the house, looking at my bedroom and having to interact with my father and mother. It was horrid. But I kept wondering if things would have changed, would he have stopped or not, but I know that the abuse would not have stopped.

It was also at this time that nightmares started coming up. There were times when it felt like my father was sitting on my bed, the memories would come and I would wake up in a cold sweat. Even today I still have flashbacks and nightmares about the past. Fortunately my husband is understanding and there are certain ways that I can’t stand to be touched, and he honors that.

When I was 16 my father died from coronary thrombosis, and my mom made him out to be a hero. I had to attend the funeral, and pretend to be sad at his death – I felt nothing. And my mom was crying, which did not make sense to me because he hurt her too.

When I was 17, my sister’s husband got transferred to another state and my sister did not want to bring me with her. The social worker spoke with my mom and my mom agreed to have me back to her house. She was a worse alcoholic than before, but I moved back. I knew my sister did not want me. And my mom was mad at me because she believed it was because of me that my father died, because I had caused them so much embarassment.

Now, many of you xangians seem to be in school to become pastors, I don’t know what the protocall is for talking with guardians when a child confides in you, but please know that if you share some of the things confided in you, you can cause a lot of damage. Not only can the child be hurt, but you will then hurt the trust of the child in God and in the office of pastor. Of course, with today’s laws, you may have to speak out or risk problems. I don’t know the solution to that, but I really never wanted to speak to another pastor again. It is really due to Pastor Don that I ever spoke to one in confidence. He has not broken my confidence once, thank God.

I know that I started praying to God, and it was at the time that the Good News Bible came out, and I read a lot of Luthern devotional books, wanting so much to have that relationship with God. It was not forthcoming. I am beginning to see that in order to have a relationship with God there has to be a willingness on my part to trust God too. I was not trusting at that time. God had let me down big, and I still did not have the answer to my big questions.

What is distressing to me is that I suspect that if I ever do hear from God about my situation, it is going to be a Job like answer, who created the heavens, can you add one more year to a life, can you tell the sun to rise, etc. Please, it is hard and right now I want a simple answer that I can understand. The idea of just relying on God’s sovereingty is difficult. I am bristling at that.

The next segment will be my time with my mom and some of the ways that I reacted to my past that I wish I did not do. I was not only an innocent victim, I sinned as well, hating, not forgiving, and wanting to hurt myself. I rebelled big time against God and anything connected with God. Sought much and found nothing.

Even though God seems to be reticent to answer my questions, I have to say that God is the best thing going. In my studies I find that the Bible holds together so well, and even though I feel so challenged navigating in Christianity, I also know that it is where I belong. But in many ways I feel like a toddler trying to learn the rules. And I feel that I fail often.

Right now there are health issues with my husband, and some other worries that I am also battling. It is very challenging and taking so much of the little faith that I have.

Will write more tomorrow, and you will find out why I am so grateful that God could forgive me, and so surprised that He would given my rebellion.

Heather

A few thoughts on Mark 2

Mark 2:9 This verse hit me hard when Jesus said, “Which is easier to say to the paralytic, ‘Your sins are forgiven you’ or to say, ‘Arise, take up your bed and walk’?”

Well, for Jesus it would have been easier for him to tell the man to take up his bed because the forgiving of the man’s sins meant that Christ would have to go to the cross to pay for the man’s sins.

And Mark 2:22  “….But new wine must be put into new wineskins.”

The word for new in new wine is in Greek, neos, which means brand new.
The word for new in new wineskins is in Greek, kinos, which means renewed, and old wineskins were renewed by soaking in the water (the word). Isn’t that an awesome thought? We are renewed wineskins when we soak in the word.

Heather

Tuesday’s Bible Study

Pastor Don was going to begin teaching on John 11, but he asked if there were any questions that needed answering. Someone raised their hand and said that they had been attending our church several Sundays and were puzzled why we do not say the Lord’s Prayer. So we went to Luke 11 and he shared the following.

Luke 11′s caption in NKJV is the Model Prayer (not the final format, just an example)- The disciples had observed Jesus for some time now, and they began to see that there was a linkage between the miracles that Jesus did and prayer, so naturally they asked Him to teach them how to pray.

The disciples were being taught under the Old Covenant (for Pentecost had not come and the Holy Spirit was not given to all), so they were under mercy. If  you look at the prayers of the Psalms they are prayers that ask for God’s mercy. The New Covenant gives us the grace of God. Mercy is the kindness of God, but Grace is the abundance of God, and the power of God coming to work in our lives. It is not tit for tat, it is above and beyond our wildest imaginations.

If you look at the punctuation in Luke 11:2 you see that it says “When you pray (comma) say (colon). A colon denotes a list of things, so Jesus gave us a list of the things that are important for prayer.

So what are the components.

1. Recognizing that God is God and we are not. (Our Father in heaven, Hallowed be Your name.)

2. Prophesy (Your kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven). This is prophesy that God’s will will be done on earth. Of course it requires us asking God to let this happen, for Adam and Eve gave the world over to satan, so God now needs us to ask, so he has permission to work on the earth. After Jesus comes again and the Kingdom is restored, things will be different.

3. Now here is an Old Covenant idea asking for provision under mercy (Give us day by day our daily bread.) The servants were given their bread day by day, but now we are the sons and daughters of God, so we have all the gifts of God freely given, it is in abundance to day by day. We must depend on God and rely on God, but God gives far more than our wildest expectations, why put him into a box in this?

4. Another Old Covenant idea, (And forgive us our sins for we also forgive everyone who is indebeted to us) Yes, we do need to forgive others, Jesus makes that abundantly clear, but do we want to be on a tit for tat accounting of this, what if we forget someone we should have forgiven, what if we forgive one less than we should have, way better to rely on God’s grace saying that we have forgiven to the best of our ability, and would God’s grace cover any omission we might have made. And as we receive the abundance of the forgiveness of God through the blood of Jesus, that abundance will spill over into our world and our forgiveness of others.

5. Another Old Covenant idea (And do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one), That is a done deal, when Jesus died on the cross, he delivered us from the evil one. If we keep asking for deliverance from the evil one are we saying that Christ’s death does not cover all of it. Yes, we need to ask for help in our temptations, and yet we also need to know that Christ has provided all we need to resolve thought this. He died once for all.

So then we went to Matthew 6, the other place where the Lord’s prayer is mentioned, and covered vain repetitions, how we are not to say prayers by rote, but that we need to pray from the heart. I asked, what about the woman who kept appealing to the Judge, and Pastor Don pointed out that as we pray our needs to God, we may pray often about them, but the prayers will change. The act of praying helps to form the prayer more into our mind, to shape it, change it. For example if you need a job, you may first ask for a job, that you will do anything, then the next day, you may remind God that he has promised to provide for your needs, and you need a job. Then you may ask the Holy Spirit if there is something in your life that is blocking this provision, and receive an impression of something you need to change, and over time you work through your prayer, and in God’s time the job will be provided, then you pray thanking God for his provision. It seems that thanking God for the good that He has provided, has the least amount of use, but we must be thankful for what has been given to us. Also the woman was asking the judge to judge a situation in which she was legally to receive. And her contract (ours is the Bible), needed to be judged accordingly.

Pastor Don had us laughing when he said that he was convicted about Jesus’ statement about going to your closet to pray (before he realized that it was the head covering), and he went home and cleaned out a closet and started praying amid the smelly shoes. But God met him there. But the closet idea did not last long, or maybe the closet could have been made into an idol, build a house with a big closet, etc.

Basically we cannot approach God with a formula. He wants intimacy, not a formula. And sometimes he just likes to hear us talk with Him, and praise Him. Often we do not think of God except when we want or need something (this is from a previous Bible study, not Tuesday’s), and sometimes the delay could just be that God wants to talk with us some and if he gives us immediately our request we will quit talking to him. The best way to have quicker answers to prayer is to pray often, even when there is no need but fellowship. God loves that and enjoys our talking with Him. (end of previous study)

So, then the question was raised, how then are we to pray, and he said that there are wonderful examples in John 14, 15, 16 and 17. Of how Jesus went boldly before God, and spoke his needs, for we too are children of God through the blood of Christ and Christ has told us that we too can ask for anything in His name. Of course, if we are asking in His name, we have to know what we are asking, it has to align up with the Word of God, and if we are asking in Jesus’ name, it needs to be the kinds of things that Jesus would ask.

A couple of interesting quotes, “The definition of faith is never the definition of the flesh.”

Then a question was asked about whom do you want to pray for you. And Pastor Don gave an eye opening example. If you are in a hospital and someone prays for your healing that is good. If the doctor says that you are sick unto death, do you want a person praying “God make her death a painless death?” or do you want a prayer warrior who says, “God, you can work in the impossible, I know you can heal her inspite of what the doctor’s are saying.” So it is important to pick those who are praying for you carefully. You may not always want to pick someone who has been healed of what you have because they may want to tell you that you have to do what they did to be healed, and sometimes God wants to heal you in a different way. You want to pick someone who has your best interests at heart, and someone who is not puffed up in pride. Also when someone prophesies over you, make sure that you listen to what the Spirit has moved in your heart, not what you want to hear. You may be led astray in the flesh.

He gave an example of when he was searching to minister to a church, and at that time was doing music ministry, hospital and jail ministry, but the church did not come forth. A woman prophesised to him about a church ministry, but then added now is the time…. Well in his Spirit, Pastor Don knew that now was not the time, so he did not act on this word. Had he listened to that, he would have been out of time with God’s plan, and he would not be the pastor of our church now. So it is important to be careful about prophesy as well.

We talked about Jairus, and his daughter. Jesus was side tracked by the woman with the issue of blood, and he pointed out that the faith of the woman was what brought on her healing. She knew if she just touched the edge of His garment, then she would be healed. Jesus pointed out that it was her faith that healed her. Then the men came and told Jairus that his daughter was dead. He did a fantastic interpretation of how the crowd reacted to this news, first they were bopping along, wow, healing awesome, and look this woman was healed, can’t wait for the next healing. Then the bad news and the spirit and mood of the crowd changed. Jesus spoke to Jairus and told him to believe, he needed to get Jairus’ faith back at least to neutral, not believing the lie of death. When he got to the girl, he threw out the mourners, took in his disciples, and Jairus and the mom, but predominately it was Jesus’ faith that raised the girl for those around him still saw the flesh situation, not the spirit.

Another quote, “We don’t see more miracles because our emotional need to see a miracle is greater than our faith to be a miracle.”

Often we would rather see a miracle healing in others than to put ourselves into the faith to be the miracle. There is a vulnerability and a fear of failure that kicks in.

 

Totally unrelated to the Bible study fact that blew me away. Jesus covered our sins with his blood. When the Roman soldiers were gambling for Jesus’ clothes (another covering provided from Jesus) they threw dice. Guess what the dice were made from, the bone from a lamb’s foot. A lamb had to die to provide the dice for the gambling for the clothes. sigh.

Please note, some of the above Bible study is new to me, and if I got the doctrine or facts wrong, it is not Pastor Don, of this I am sure, it would be my mishearing.

Heather

Continuation of March 15 and 19th.

A bit more of my history. Words cannot describe the incredible terror and feelings of shame that were my constant companions during this time. I feared for my life as my mom’s alcoholism got worse and worse. She never did tell my father that she knew, but made sure that she put me out in front of my father in ways that I wouldn’t consider ever doing to my daughter. She bought me seamed nylons because he thought they were sexy, she made me model my first bra for him. She left the room when she knew he would immediately call me over to the sofa to paw me. I did not realize just how much she enabled his abuse of me until years later, so I had to work hard at forgiving her as well.

In talking with Pastor Don, he pointed out to me options that were available to her. I had been believing that she was helpless too, but she wasn’t, she just wanted to keep things on status quo. I had to forgive her. Perhaps the most important spiritual lesson I have learned from my past is the incredible power of forgiveness. I really rebelled against that because I felt that I was the victim (I was) and they failed me, but I also sinned. I also hurt others. It was only when I made the choice to forgive them that I was able to begin to free the bonds that were tying me up inside.

Basically unforgiveness meant that I was carrying them around with me all the time, and they could have cared less that they had inflicted the pain on me, they had long since died, and yet they were ruling me because of unforgiveness. It was explained to me that forgiveness is not absolution for the repercussion of sin, my parents are just put into the hands of God for judgement, they still had to face the fruits of their sin. Forgiveness is an awesome gift for me because it frees me from carrying around dead weight.

It is not an easy process for me, and seems to be a bit ongoing as new memories emerge, but oh so necessary. Now if a memory emerges I immediately speak words of forgiveness. It also does not mean that the past is forgotten, it just loses a lot of its power over me.

Well my father’s sexual abuse continued until I was 15, and then my parents made a trip to visit relatives during the school year. My sister offered to watch me for the week they were gone, so at one point she asked me, “Has he been bothering you too?” I was surprised that she had been abused too, so I thought here was the answer to my prayer for escaping the hurt of the past. I told her what he was doing, gave her the two notebooks my mom filled out. She and my brother (she is 15 years older than me and my brother is 16 years older) read the notebooks and decided that I had to be taken out of that house. They went to the juvenile courts. I wish the courts had handled the situation differently than they did. I will explain as the story unfolds.

We hid out at my sister’s mother-in-law’s house, and they made a phonecall to my parents explaining that the courts were going to be involved in the sexual abuse that my father did. I actually felt sorry for my mom because I figured that she would be severely beaten or hurt because of the two notebooks. I figured she would have to tell him about them. We were scared, did not pick up the phone and I lived in terror for the juvenile court date when I would have to face my parents. Words cannot describe the terror.

Unfounded terror though, my parents never came to try and get me back to their house. I wanted so much for them to come and beg forgiveness, to say they were sorry, to say things would be different, and that things would be so much better, kind of like happy ever after. I still hurt when I think that they did not care to fight for me. But I also realize that the evidence, in my mom’s own handwriting, was probably so convicting that they knew they did not have a chance. But I sure wanted them to try. The courts kept those notebooks until I was 18, then destroyed them. That is the one thing I am sorry about, I should have been allowed to get those notebooks back, it would have meant a lot to me as I began to face some of the memories in therapy.

The courts also gave me a choice, foster home with a stranger, or my sister offered to let me live with her. For many years I regretted my choice of living with my sister (we have since made ammends) but I also know that statistics show that foster homes are not always what they are cracked up to be too. Day one in my sister’s house she called me to her bedroom and told me that it was my fault that my father did what he did, that I should have fought back. Guilt heaped upon guilt. See I didn’t want to hurt my parents, I felt it was my fault that things came to the point of being taken out of the house, I felt shamed and dirty because of what happened to me, and guilty because I didn’t fight back, so I started spiralling down into depression. Life at my sister’s was also hard for both of us. I was a constant reminder of what she escaped from. And she took it out on me. I will tell this in another entry.

It is funny how we think that our prayers are answered when we get the answer we want, and I thought God had finally answered one of my three prayers, to make my father stop. He did not answer it the way I wanted, with my father loving me and stopping, but I figured that being with my sister would help, for she would understand what I went through. Unfortunately she didn’t. See, she forgot that she had my brother living with her, and her trials were a bit different.

My father was put into Lexington KY for drug addiction when she was a child, the Marines treated his stomach problems with morphine, and he ended up addicted. My father beat them, drank, and a few times pawed her, but my brother slept with a knife under his pillow to kill him if he hurt them too much. He also beat my father up once, and then both found ways to escape the house early. My sister to nursing school and early marriage, my brother to the army, he signed up a year younger than was legal.

I was by myself in that house with no one to turn to. And it took years of therapy to realize that my sister and brother might have been able to figure out that there was something wrong sooner, but they never asked. Don’t ask, don’t tell. Both my sister and brother turned their abuse into anger, and it was the anger that hurt. They also never forgave my father, and it has had repercussions on my sister’s health.

I am so grateful that I have found God, because I have been able to shake some of the generational curses that could have followed me from the past. The therapy I received, and the godly counselling from my pastor have helped to free me from much. I also don’t think I would ever have allowed myself to have a child if I felt that I would do to them what my family did to me.

I will write about life at my sister’s next, as that also shows some of how wedges were put between me and God. But my husband needs the computer now.

Have a blessed day,

Heather

Well, I am going to try and type this post again. Xanga ate the post, first time that has happened to me.

Hope you had an awesome Easter. I enjoyed Easter, but the stress level in our house was intense. The boys were set at getting under each other’s skins, Katherine was bummed because her last few days at home have been taken up with a science experiment, and I had PMS. Sigh. Am also worried about Jim’s health. When Katherine was born he had triple bipass, his arteries are clogged again, and he is trying Atkins, wierd diet for one with cholesteral problems, plays around with vitamins and other new age sorts of things. Did Chelation for awhile, but makes his own plans. I have voiced my concerns to him, pointed out where I think he is going wrong, and have to back off and resort to prayer, for my stress will only complicate matters, and talking to Jim when his mind is set is like talking to that wall next to my bed. I am very worried because I do not like the signs I see. So please keep me and Jim in prayer. I feel about two steps removed from tears, and want to withdraw far, but can’t.

Have been reading Mark Chapter 1, and in reading this found out a lot of where I have missed the mark (couldn’t resist that pun).

A few interesting points. The four disciples that Jesus picked up in Chapter 1were all fishermen. Two of them were casting nets into the sea, Simon (Peter) and Andrew. Their career as disciples were missionaries. In Acts Peter spoke a sermon that caught 3000 new converts. James and John were mending nets. These two were the disciples of love and relationship among members of the church. They mended the damage caused to the brethren in their ministries.

I am not a morning person, but do try to get up fifteen or 20 minutes before the kids do to start my day out right with prayer and meditation. But Jesus has me beat hands down. Verse 35: “Now in the morning, having risen a long while before daylight, He went out and departed to a solitary place; and there He prayed.” This occurred after Jesus taught in the temple, healed a man with unclean spirits, healed Peter’s mother-in-law, and then in the evening healed all who were brought to him, sick, diseases, and cast out many demons. If anyone had an excuse to sleep late the next day, I would think that Jesus would, but he got up early and prayed.

Oh, that I would have that same sort of attitude, perhaps some of the day would be smoothed out for me. And Jesus never once told anyone He was too tired to do this, or too tired to do that. He did what His Father told Him to do. He obeyed.

After healing all that Jesus healed in Capernum his disciples were excited and wanted Jesus to continue, but Jesus refused and told them that he had to go into the next towns and preach there also. The word for towns is 2969 in Strongs, and it means a large village or town like a city but without walls. So Jesus went from a metropolis to a small country village to teach and preach. If Jesus had been led by needs, by ego, he might have stayed in the large city, but instead he obeyed His Father and went to preach and teach where God told him to teach.

The verse that strongly convicted me was connected with the healing of the leper. After Jesus healed the man and told him to go show himself to a priest (something that had never been done to date, for althought the law gave ways to show your healing of leprosy and the sacrifices necessary, to the time of Jesus only one person ever was healed of leoprosy, leoprosy was a sentence of death). He told the man to say nothing. Well, like me, this man was thrilled to be healed, and he spoke to many. The end result of this was, verse 45 “However, he went out and began to proclaim it freely, and to spread the matter, so that Jesus could no longer openly enter the city, but was outside in deserted places; and they came to Him from every direction.”

The man  disobeyed Jesus’s request, and it prevented Jesus from speaking in the cities. This did not stop the spread of the gospel, nor did it seriously impare what Jesus did, but it may have made it a bit more challenging for Jesus.

I often wonder if a word that I am told to speak and don’t; or a word that I speak when I shouldn’t causes a bit of a change of direction for God’s work. I keep hoping that I act in obedience to God more and more, because I want to be used effectively, and do God’s work as smoothly as possible. I do not want to be a glitch in God’s kingdom.

Thanks for listening and thanks for your prayers. I am so glad of all the people I have met here on Xanga.

Heather

Just a quick note to wish anyone who comes here a Happy and Blessed Easter.

Heard something the other day that caught my attention.

It is fitting that Jesus was crucified between two thieves for he was the ultimate thief.

He stole away sin, sickness and disease and replaced them with New Life.

He stole our hearts with His incredible love.

We have no choice but to love Him.

Please take care of yourselves. I have to go and clean up a bit while the kids are out of the house, it is my only hope of enjoying the clean for a few moments.

Please pray for me if you do not mind, for some reason this is a tough season for me and some depression has set in.

Heather

FRIDAY BIBLE STUDY – Yeah!!!!! I missed Bible study on Tuesday, so was so blessed to have Bible study today. The topic was Esther

The question to ask ourselves is what role are we acting in this story, and at times it can change. We can be an Esther, a Haman, Mordecai or a Vashti. Pastor Don pointed out that there are many parallels between Jesus and Esther, including the King being Christ (a symbol of Christ) and the marriage.

Esther is the only book in the Bible that does not mention God.

Esther Chapter 1:

King  Ahasuerus’ word was the law, while he was not Christ his role was similar to Christ. Remember the parable that Jesus spoke about the wedding where people were invited, but made excuses, so the king sent out to all to come to the feast. Esther 1:5 the king made a feast lasting seven days (seven is big in Revelation), for all both great and small.

v. 7 the generosity of the king, each vessel is different, and they were to drink or not drink according to their own pleasure. God provided

v 9-11 – The King wants to show off the glory of Vashti, similar to the way Jesus shows off our glory to the kingdom. He is proud of us and pleased when we do his will and he can then shine through us.

V. 12 – the queen refused to come to the king’s command. This is a major mistake that we often make when we refuse to do God’s will for us, or refuse to obey our husbands, or follow the commands of those over us. Now that does not mean to follow ungodly commands, but there is a divine order and if we get out of the divine order then we lose the favor of the king.

V15- the king consults the seven princes of Persia and Media (Isaiah mentions the seven spirits of God)

v. 19 Vashti shall come no more before the King, and her royal position is given to another. (That another is the Gentiles – when Israel did not follow God’s commands and accept the Messiah, the message was spread to the Gentiles, but God remembered Vashti just like God will remember the Jews and one day they will regain their position in God’s kingdom)

Esther 2:1-4  The king did not behead Vashti, Pastor Don talked about revival, and how revivals start pure, then they get bigger and get away from the pure form, then there is a correction and it is brought back to the pure form again.

According to the king’s decree all the virgins were brought and underwent a year’s purification. And, while he did not go into the specific details, he mentioned that each of these purifications detail spiritual issues. For example, myrrh had to do with death, and for six months she bathed in myrrh oil. six is the number of man. Then six months of perfumes (perfume is the prayers of the saints).

Then Esther, being very wise, does not consult other women, or people around her, but the person who has the presence of the King, to find out what is pleasing to the king, and chooses to bring that.

The king knows her by name v. 12-14 = and we are so blessed because God calls us by name.

v 16: the 7th year of the king’s reign (does that strike a bell??) a feast is given for his Bride Esther.

Then Mordecai overhears a plot to kill the king, he informs Esther, and the king’s life is saved. This is noted in the chronicles of the King. All that we say or do, both good and bad is recorded in Heaven. There are no secret sins in Heaven. We can confess and be forgiven, but may still reap the results of these sins. And in Heaven, while our sins are covered by the blood of Christ, we will still face them one time and weep.

Esther Chapter 3:

Then Haman was promoted, and he had a secret agenda, to destroy the Jews. This is satan’s plan all the time, to find ways to destroy the Jews for it will prevent Christ from returning. Now Haman is an Agagite, and if you recall past history, Saul was to kill all the Agagites, but he preserves the life of the king of the Agagites. For this Saul lost the Holy Spirit/ Pastor Don pointed out that if we do not deal with our sins, our children will deal with the sins later in life. We have to kill the roots of the sins within us.

v, 8 – Haman’s plans involved the spirit of greed, for he offered that the Jews would be killed and their possessions plundered. This is the spirit of Greed that Jesus called Mammon.

This is a good warning to our country, as we begin to give up and agree more with the liberals, we will weaken our government

Chapter 4

Esther offers to give Mordecai a garment so that the sackcloth can be replaced. We, as a church are often guilty of providing a bandaid in situations when we need to throw our faith at.

so Esther decided to pray and fast, and has the Jews do the same. She linked her faith to Mordecai’s who told her that if she did not act, God would provide a way to save. Her words are if I perish, I perish, for she would die if she went unbidden into the throneroom and the King did not extend his septer to her. These are the same words that Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego (sorry if I misspelled them), said before walking into the fiery furnace.

In Isaiah 54:7 no weapon formed against us  – but at the same time it is our responsibility to speak up when people are saying hurtful things against God, the church, our pastor, our elders,

V.16 she sought divine help. And asked for others to pray and fast as well. Pastor Don pointed out that we have to be very careful whom we ask to be our prayer support, for they can pray at cross purposes to us, we need agreement, and not everyone who is praying for us always has our best interests at heart.

She fasts for three days and nights, no food no water. Christ was in the tomb three days and nights before the resurrection.

Pastor Don also pointed out that one thing that keeps us from being the best that God wants for us is the assumption that no one but me can do this. If God puts a plan into our heads we must attempt it, God will provide the grace and strength to do it if it is a God plan, and if we don’t act on it, God will find another to do the work.

He also said, “Sometimes we don’t ask God what is in our hearts because we are afraid He will say no, but what if he says yes.”

Now that one is a challenge for me because I am afraid to ask God for many things for fear of a “No” answer, but somehow I pray for the strength to get through that.

We had to stop because it was getting late, am hoping Esther Part Two is next Friday.

Hope you enjoyed this summary. Please know if there is a problem theologically it is most probably poor note taking on my part, not Pastor Don’s error.

Heather

Just wanted to let you know that I am back, we just walked in the door, and I will spend time later reading and commenting. We had a safe trip and my Girl Scout Troop did a lot of wonderful stuff.

Heather

Glad you liked the picture of Katherine, she is very sweet. In fact mostly my kids are sweet and kind, but now they are teens with hormones going, and in their eyes, often they wonder how I survive with what little brain I have when I don’t bow to their wisdom. I know that when they get older we get wiser again.

The tension is strong in our house as the trip to Washington DC draws near. The boys are jealous and Jim is a bit upset that we are going over spring Break. This trip has been discussed openly for a year, and at the time we, the Girl Scouts made plans, the boy scouts were talking about a big trip over spring break as well. Unfortunately the Girl Scouts got it together, raised the funds by working hard, and the boy scouts did not. I don’t know the solution to this, but this is the first time I have been away from the family for four days doing something fun with my daughter. Most trips are done as a whole family. Also, when the plans were made and tickets bought we did not anticipate that my husband may have some work related problems come up. I am praying so hard for travelling mercies and that things go smoothly for my husband and the boys. Because I am the leader of the troop, I am stressed because of the responsibility, but at the same time stressed because the boys are not happy. Sigh. Then, when the boys asked our iteneary I told them what the girls want to do, and got comments about that, why go to the zoo they say because you can go to the Bronx zoo, why go see Imax there is Imax here. I stopped telling them what the girls wanted to do, but the key word is it is what the GIRLS want to do, and it is their troop and they earned the money. Of course we are going to make sure that they see the important things, but Girl scouts is about Girls directing their troop, making plans, reasearching, etc. It is not about what the adults want to do. Adults are to help facilitate, and make sure the girls are safe. sigh. I told my husband and sons that they can plan a trip to Washington DC and see what they consider important. But right now it is the girl’s plans that are important. Will be glad when this stress is over.

Thinking about what to share tonight before going away. I do have one more chance to check Xanga tomorrow morning, and then am gone until sometime Thursday.

More of my history, a continuation of March 15th entry.

A few days ago I shared some of my past history and pointed out that at the age of 8 I decided that praying to the wall next to my bed netted better results than praying to God. As a child my parents did not attend church at all and what little I learned about God I learned from the TV church services that my mom sometimes watched on TV. Of course, when my father was home it was sports, sports and more sports and repeat sports. But my mom was a bit more varied in her TV viewing. But I did get the idea about praying to God, and unfortunately I also saw God as a distant figure with a notepad recording every sin I committed, and spying on me.

A few key things happened at this age. One was that my father had a heart attack. Because of his brutality, I was torn about whether I wanted him to live or die, but could not think clearly. He came home with nitroglycerine pills, and medicine for his heart. My mom was very grateful. I think she loved him in her own way, even though he was cruel to her. I know that she only had an 8th grade education, but I am certain my brother and sister would have helped us if she had ever chosen to leave that house (she never asked them and they never offered). But back in the 60′s much of what occured in that house was shameful and not talked about in public. Not to mention that I was sure I would be killed if I opened my mouth.

The sexual attacks of my father escalated, and sometime at this age my father raped me. At first the visits were touching, and me touching him, but as time went by they became progressively worse. He told me that I was so stupid and ugly that no man would ever want to marry me, so he was teaching me how to please a man so that I would at least be able to do that. Then he told me if I told my mom about what he was doing, he would kill me. As you know, he would have, he had tried twice, my mom once.

The first time he came into my room was one of just groping and me having to touch him. I felt vile, and remember feeling my hand and wanting to cut it off. I could not get out of bed to wash until my father went to work, and after that I washed, came out to the kitchen where my mom had already started drinking and she said to me, “I heard him in your room last night, tell me what he did.” I grew to hate those words because everytime my father came into my room from the age of 8 to 15 she greeted me with those words, and I had to stand and repeat to her what he did. She wrote the facts down in her notebook, filling up two notebooks front and back with what I told her. And when things were so bad that I repressed them, she tried to get the information out by telling me she heard bedsprings creak, etc. And I was terrified that I had to tell her because she was a drunk and I was afraid in a fit of rage that she would let my father know that I told her, and then we would both die.

Well now I tried praying to God. I prayed three prayers. One was that God would make my father love me and stop the abuse. No answer. Two was that God would kill my father. No answer (kind of glad that one did not get answered for I think I would have felt very guilty), Number 3 that God would kill me. Sometimes I have mixed feelings about that one, but now I more want to live than die.

Well God did not answer and believe me, there was passion behind those prayers. So songs like Jesus loves me this I know, were met with derision by me because if Jesus loved me and this is what happened to me, what kind of love was that???? Did I want an abandoning God or a Jesus whose love hurt me so much. I decided that God had turned his back on the earth, and on me. I figured that something was wrong with me because God could not love me. I figured something was wrong with me because of what my father was doing. I looked at the kids in my class who had “normal” lives and knew that mine was way different. I grew to hate myself, blame myself.

And then there was the guilt. First thing to be guilty about was that I had squirrelled away a can of Draino so I could do myself in if things got to bad with what my father was doing. Only I never took the Draino, so I felt that maybe a part of me wanted what happened because I was too afraid to kill myself.

I also wanted my father’s love, and he seemed nicer to me right before he was going to come into my room. I liked the reprieve of him being nice.

Also my mom told me I should push his hand away, tell him no, and not go over when he called me to the sofa to grope me, but I couldn’t do that, I had to obey him or risk death (of course I was too chicken to die, so what did that make me?)

At the time that this was happening my father returned to his childhood church of Christian Scientist. That is very close to the occult in their doctrine. Their concept of God could be summed up in a definition, I remember some of it, “God, the great I AM, the all knowing, all seeing, all acting, all wise, all loving, principle, mind, soul, spirit, all substance, intelligence. Not really a personal God. They had services called healing services where people would stand up and give testimonies of healing, but the healings were sort of bogus, like I lost a button, retraced my steps and found it, or I sprained my ankle, and by prayer, reading the Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures by Mary Baker Eddy, and resting my ankle, it was healed in two weeks. We had to sit through these meetings and if I coughed or made a sound or moved I got in trouble later.

Also my father would lay on the sofa and have me read aloud the weekly studies, from the Bible and Science and Health. If I paused too long at a comma, too short at a semicolorn, or mispronounced a word I had something thrown at me. I would break out in a sweat and had to work hard not to have a quiver in my voice or duck when something was thrown.

And I had to mark the books with blue chalk markers, precise right angles.

When sick, I had to read these texts and pray, but he went to the doctor, smoked, and did things that they would not have approved.

It served to put a wedge between God and me.

I will share more later when I get back from vacation, but here are a few more thoughts about dealing with Abba God when you come from abuse.

The concept of God is love is hard when you grow up in a home where love is perverted. Where if someone says “I love you” it means that they want something from you and it will hurt. Where I love you meant you had to do something to be loved.

Remember our first sense of God the father is our earthly parents. That is such a vast responsibility to be a parent, please use your power wisely. Fortunately I was able to break the cycle of abuse, I would never have had kids if I still were like them, but even now I have to work to make sure I don’t bring some of the past forward. For me that involves staying patient, something that is way more challenging now that I have three teens. But the difference between my parents and me is that if I feel my temper rising, I may snap verbally at them, but most often I leave the room and spend a few minutes praying in the bathroom until I have calmed down, then I go in and deal with the situation.

TV Religious shows are a lifeline for those who may not be able to get to church. They may not all be doctrinally sound, but they do give some important facts about God.

When you are hurt big, and God does not seem to answer it is crushing. I still struggle with the why’s of this, and I know the answers that most will give only serve to condemn or to make it worse. I know God is sovereign, I know that God had to honor what Adam did in giving the earth over to satan, I know God sent His Son to die for me and that is awesome, I know that God knows all, past/present/future. But there are still haunting questions and pain that surface.

One thing that does not work is the Bible verse of being a new creature in Christ, old things are passed away and behold all things have become new. That is true internally in our spirit, but the past still has to be dealt with, It cannot be pushed aside, for it will crop up at odd times and situations.

I asked Pastor Don if I was doing something wrong because of the memories and feelings that are emerging now, from years ago, and he told me God is letting them come up now because I am saved, am in a situation where it is safe to deal with the issues, and have people around me who will love me through them.

Please have patience if people who have been abused don’t get the idea of abba father right away.

Just a few thoughts.

Heather

Fantastic Bible study today.and great food. We have a potluck lunch Bible study, and we share the food of the flesh and the food of the spirit. Makes for good fellowship, and at the same time is a more relaxed Bible study.

I printed out some of the Bible studies for my pastor and showed them to him He feels that I am representing the studies accurately, and if ever I make a mistake, I promise to correct the errors and let you know about it. I was blessed to be able to spend some time talking with him today.

What always amazes me about Pastor Don is, on a Friday Bible study he lets people ask questions at times, and then he will answer the question, with a knowledge of the Bible that I envy and want to develop. Sometimes he is led by the spirit to teach something, but whatever, the studies are exciting.

It seems to be a common theme on Xanga lately about forgiveness, and someone asked an interesting question about forgiveness. Here is what transpired in response to her question. It had to do with the verse about, if anyone has unforgiveness toward a brother, they must go and clear that up, then come back to communion.

Mark 11:22 – end of chapter is a cohesive whole, even though usually people teach Mark 11: 22-24 as a complete thought. The temple rulers questioned Jesus’ authority to forgive, for if he could forgive then he was putting himself equal to God, for the temple rulers could not forgive sins, they could only sacrifice from year to year.

Hatred and resentment can keep you from heaven. When you notice that you have hatred or resentment or unforgiveness dump it immediately. In order to be forgiven, you must forgive. Unforgiveness is a terrible burden to bear, because unforgiveness is a weight that weighs you down. The person who wronged you does not care if you harbor unforgiveness, and satan gets two for one if you harbor unforgiveness. He has the person who hurt you in his clutch and he keeps you downtrodden and from receiving God’s best for you because of the unforgiveness you harbor.

When asked about how there seems to be roots of unforgiveness that linger, he pointed out that our spirit is cleansed of hatred and unforgiveness when we are saved, but the old fleshly thoughts and feelings still sometimes cling. That it takes an act of will to begin to channel our thinking towards forgiveness. As an illustration, Pastor Don pointed out that his father was so busy in the church that he did not attend any of the sports events that Pator Don as a child participated in. When Pastor Don had sons of his own, he attended their games and competitions, and it would make him teary eyed thinking of how his father did not do that for him. He went and spoke with his father, and over time, by correcting the erroneous thoughts, he could attend his sons’ events and not feel that ping of saddness.

When we do forgive others it has an act of faith imbedded in it. When asked what that was, one of the people stated it is that God will take the vengence necessary on the person. That God is a just judge and that we have to trust that God will do what is right for the person who hurt us. We do not know the whole picture that God knows, so we cannot accurately judge another. If we trust God’s justice, then we do not need to worry about forgiving another. Forgiveness is for us. (I know this is true from personal experience as there was great healing when I could finally forgive my parents, but it took time and a readiness to be able to do this.) Fortunately God will not over punish a person, and we tend to punish people far more than they deserve for the “crime” that they committed at us. If we take this kind of judgement on ourselves, we too will be judged the way we judge others.

Then he pointed out that honestly, when we get upset with a person (not in every case, but often) it is because we had expectations on how they would act or what they would say. A lot of unforgiveness is a judgement on our part. We attribute an offence to someone who wasn’t planning or thinking or expecting what we expected from it. We attribute plots and plans and why they did or didn’t do what they did. One example he uses is when he is going to preach sometimes he walks down the aisle of the church thinking or praying or focusing on something that needs to be done, and he doesn’t see a person, or say hi or shake hands. The person holds a grudge thinking that Pastor Don is upset with them, or mad at them, or whatever, when it was just that he was preoccupied. They build a whole case, write nasty letters, or confront him and it comes from left field because it was not where he was at the time.

Forgiving is easier when you know the person is going to be punished for what they did.  (Pastor Don said that with a smile because he says we all want to know that a person will get what they deserve)

Now here is a clincher question that he asked. If you are living in unforgiveness you have to ask yourself, what is it that prevents you from believing that Jesus can forgive your sins or forgive the sins of those who hurt you?

If you cannot forgive others, can God forgive your sins. (Now this I know for a fact, I have had so many sins forgiven that it would be awful of me to withhold forgiveness to another for their sins.

When Jesus sent his disciples out in Matthew 10 he sent them out to preach, heal, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, cast out demons. There is a spirit of unforgiveness, and that is a spirit sent by satan. The unforgiveness can torment us, leave us open to sickness and disease and block God’s blessings. We are disciples of Christ and as such, we too must learn to speak out against the spirit of unforgiveness in our lives. Because we are a living sacrifice, and are part of God’s temple, we must work to cleanse ourselves (with God’s help for we can’t do it by ourselves) of this spirit of unforgiveness.

One person asked if a person that she knew, who claims to be born again, acts in such a way to show that maybe she isn’t born again, how does one deal with the person.

Pastor Don said that  Do not judge her statement (only God knows who is and who isn’t born again). 2. Treat her as if she is born again, and pray for her deliverance.

He pointed out that a church is a  hospital for hurting souls. NO ONE in the church is perfect, we all sin, all have weaknesses, all make mistakes. We are to build each other up in the Body of Christ, and help each other out. Often people are afraid to share their weaknesses or sins with one another for fear of the kind of judgement, gossip, and hurtful statements that may be aroused by such a confession. That if the church were doing it’s work it would be where people would come with their problems, get prayed for and supported as they struggle with their struggles.

We have the responsibility to believe in the authority of God to release demonic oppresion. We have the responsibility to embrace them and set them free. But not to judge or condemn. There is a difference between a person given over to their sin and a person oppressed by their sin. And they need to be handled differently.

If a person blatently sins, is not sorry, and does not feel that they are doing wrong, and deliberately chooses to sin that is one thing. But the person oppressed, who is sorry, who is trying to change, who backslides occasionall, needs to be treated with love and compassion because, truth be told, we all have those areas in our lives that need working on. We have all backslid in one situation or another, and we are still trying to get our flesh to line up with our spirits.

When we make choices that do not line up with God’s best for us, we become oppressed by unclean spirits. God wants the best for us all, so we must work to line our lives up with God’s choices for us.

There was more stuff, but some of it I have to question Pastor Don about because I do not want to write what I am not clear on. Hope this has helped.

Please remember Sunday 20th to Thurs the 24th I will be travelling with my Girl Scout troop and probably will have no access to the computer. Please do not worry if you do not hear from me. If I get up early enough on Sunday I will try to write some. Have a blessed weekend.

Heather