Lots of thoughts crossing my mind, all wanting attention. I will share what I can, but if it is disjointed, please forgive. Cool fact I learned and will try out shortly, if you hold the shift key down and hit enter, you do not have to have a space between the lines in a poem.

Finished reading Spoon River Anthology by Edgar Lee Masters. It is a delightful book of epithaths which tell a story of Spoon River. Each person buried on the hill has a few words to say and by reading all of them you get an idea of the interconnectedness of the people and a bit about their lives. One of my favorites is

Hortense Robbins

My name used to be in the papers daily
As having dined somewhere,
Or traveled somewhere
Or rented a house in Paris,
Where I entertained the nobility.
I was forever eating or traveling,
Or taking the cure at Baden-Baden,
Now I am here to do honor
To Spoon River, here beside the family whence I sprang.
No one cares now where I dined,
Or lived, or whom I entertained,
Or how often I took the cure at Baden-Baden!

**

Well that pretty much sums up or lives and work. Reminds me of  I Corinthians 3:11-15

For no other foundation can anyone lay than that which is laid, which is Jesus Christ. Now if anyone builds on this foundation with gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, straw, each one’s work will become clear; for the Day will declare it, because it will be revealed by fire; and the fire will test each one’s work, of what sort it is. If anyone’s work which he has built on it endures, he will receive a reward. If anyone’s work is burned, he will suffer loss; but he himself will be saved, yet so as through fire.

Mr.Hortense Robbins built his foundation with wood, hay and straw, and had nothing to show for his life, nor nothing for a remembrance. I pray that some of the works I do are more like the gold, silver and precious stones.

But even the works which seem good, if they are not the ones God wanted me to do, will they endure? Hope that I am at least doing some that God wants.

***Am reading Your God is Too Safe by Mark Buchanan

He talks about how many Christians (myself included) live on the borderland “the barren but crowded place between two worlds, between the lost and the found, the old and the new, the damned and the redeemed, where so many of us get stuck.”

Then he talks about how we want to see God as safe (boy can I relate to that) but he says …”when I say we’ve made God too safe,I mean that we want Him to be comfortable rather than comforting. I mean that we want Him to be peaceable, to keep His peace, to be docile, rather than to be peacemaking and peace giving. And instead of being our hiding place, we would prefer God be our ace in the hole. And if that doesn’t work, we’d prefer to hide from Him” Then Buchanan says “And then we find, in the soft logic of our half-baked theology, that a too-safe god has no power to get us unstuck.”

**

I sort of agree with the above, with a caveeat. I know that God has to put us in situations that grow us, much the same way that we grow our children. That if we keep coddling them, and not let them make their own minds up about things, take risks, and branch out and grow up and out of our influence we are not doing them any favors. But speaking as one who never had a chance to feel safety, I sure would like to feel God as safe for awhile, to be nurtured, and to be allowed to just rest as a child in God’s arms, not being forced into new territory when I don’t have the foundation. I don’t think I ever thought of God as an ace in the hole, and frankly, when I asked God to stop my father from raping me, Yes, I wanted God to act and act quickly. I think there is a difference between wants and needs. I NEEDED God and he let me down. sigh. I have much to work on regading this.

****

Am doing the second of Kay Arthur’s Revelation studies, and it first involves reading through the book and marking certain words and terms with symbols.

In reading about the trumpet judgements where are escalating events of disaster that happens on the earth, I came to the passage in Revelation 9:20-21 “And the rest of mankind, who were not killed by these plagues, did not repent of the works of their hands, so as not to worship demons, and the idols of gold and of silver and of brass and of stone and of wood, which can neither see nor hear nor walk; and they did not repent of their murders nor of their sorceries nor of their immorality nor of their thefts.”

 

Funny how each time I read through the Bible (and I have read it many times cover to cover) so much more is understood. Reading this saddened me. The first time I read through the Bible, I focused on how God hardened Pharoah’s heart (and assumed my heart was hardened, much as the people in the above passage). It was later readings that let me see that Pharoah hardened his heart the first few times, then God honored that and let his heart be hardened. God will not force himself on anyone.

Then, this reading of the Bible cover to cover I have been seeing how many prophesies were fulfilled from the Old Testiment. And in a moment of duh, I realized how Revelation is a prophesy for the future (now I knew that intellectually, but it hit home in a peculiar way today, I will explain). For almost 2000 years Revelation has been in the Bible. People have been reading it over and over, coupled with other books such as Daniel, Isaiah, and even Jesus’ own words in the Gospel that fortell of what will happen.

We look at what is happening in the world around us today, and in many churches the Pastors are speaking of prophesy, but in some churches that is not so, they are speaking those kinds of words that make God too safe (see quote of Buchanan’s book). We want to think that all will be saved, that things will be peachy, and it isn’t going to happen that way, no matter how much we wishful think that. Those are straw, hay and stubble ideas.

I used to think it was cruel how people were just offed in the Old Testament because of a sin, or how God would just knock out thousands of people, or the flood, or in Revelation the 1/4 of things destroyed, 1/3 of people, etc. Lots of people if you consider the population of the earth. Patently unfair it seemed to me. On a more careful reading of the Old Testament and I saw how many years were given between the warnings and the events of destruction. How God gave people a choice and practically begged them to Choose LIFE. The people chose to rebel and chose death.

These prophesies of Revelation have been around 2000 years, plenty of time for warning, people have the choice to read or not to read them, to believe or not to believe them. The actions have been held off until the Gospel is preached around the world, and now that is happening.

When events happen, especially those listed in Revelation, to think that people will see them occur, could use their eyes and read the prophesy, and still not repent of their murders, sorceries, immorality. That they cannot read the writing on the wall and realize their ultimate end, astounds me. It saddens me. Oh, I pray that people make the right choice.

Now I still have a long way to go in building my relationship with God, but it is hard to doubt what is written in the Bible. And all the prophets that prophesized in the Bible faced a major penalty if they gave a prophesy not from God, stoning to death. I think they chose their words carefully. Wish some of today’s so-called prophets did the same. But given the severe penalty of false prophesy in Biblical times, I sure wish people would pay more attention to what the prophets said, and act on it. Myself included.

Heather

 

Am reading THE MAN WHO WAS THURSDAY by G.K Chesterton

Besides the Bible, am curious what books have helped you sort out God issues. Please feel free to share. I always look for books to help.

************

Today at Mass (my husband is Catholic and we attend mass on Sundays as a family), the priest talked about a show about whales. Thinking it was a whaling show, he was surprised that it had nothing to do with anything nautical. Apparently the term is a slang for big gamblers in Las Vegas. The little gamblers are minnows, and then there are sharks for medium gamblers. They profiled a few of the whales. One was a woman who lost a million dollars. The casino wanted to keep her happy so they asked what they could do to help. She asked to meet a few minnows. She met a nice family, had lunch with them, talked with them, then went out and bought them a car as a gift. That was what helped ease the pain of her loss.

The other whale they talked about was a man who lost 5 million dollars. When asked what would ease the pain of his loss, he named a bottle of rare wine. The butler assigned to him spent a whole day trying to locate the $30,000 bottle of wine, and the cassino agreed to pay for the wine. When he received the bottle of wine, the man took it to the bathroom, dropped it into the tub and broke the bottle letting the wine go down the drain, then told the butler to clean up the glass.

Two people faced losses, one gave out, and the other just destroyed and not only still felt bad, but also wasted a whole day of the butler’s to destroy something so expensive.

He then turned this story back to the scripture, which was John pointing out that Jesus was the Son of God, and said that in all his dealings with people Jesus gave out, he did not take, did not abuse did not hurt, but tried to help. That people were attracted to him because of that attribute. Then the Priest said that he hopes that as we walk through our lives we are like the first whale, generous.

****

I was thinking a lot of roots of bitterness today. I know that there are still a lot of them inside of me. It is kind of like a dandelion, that you unearth some of the root, but if you leave even a piece of it inside, it grows back again. Sometimes with the hurt and the pain I feel like I am in a sinkhole, and even though I try to climb out, I keep sinking down. Is there no end?

Had a re-run of a dream last night. Imagined I was being crushed under a large stone, and could not breath, but was being hurt at the same time. Could not yell out for help, could not move, could not stop the hurt. I woke up in a cold sweat. This dream keeps plaguing me.

I know what it alludes to, and I have to say, that if Jesus can really heal the hurts inside, I wish he would make haste and do it. I do not like being toyed with. And it seems that pretty much all my life I have been a pawn in the hands of some force or another. Where is the beauty for ashes that is promised. Perhaps the promises are not for us all.

Sorry this is so scattered, my mind is going a million miles a second right now.

Please take care of yourselves and enjoy tomorrow if you have tomorrow off (or for that matter, even if you don’t have tomorrow off).

Heather

Remembered a part of a poem I wrote when I was a teen (or as the adults would have said) a troubled teen. Remember, at that time I was rather suicidal, did not care what happened to me, and felt like a freak, odd and unusual. I knew that most kids around me were not abused, so I felt like dirt. At the time this poem was written, my father had died and the courts moved me back to my mom’s house. My mom was an alcoholic, so often I would come home and find her passed out on the floor, once she burnt a hole in the arm of a chair. She also blamed me for my father’s death because I embarassed them by letting my sister know my father was abusing me too. Here is the poem, it is not as deep as many of the poets on the Xanga site, but I was in a rhyming mode:

In a corner,

All alone,

I sit and bemoan

All the evils of society

I see so clearly inside of me.

But it is hopeless and of no avail

For any attempt at solution will fail.

Race riots, robberies, killings, elections,

Lead me to many strange reflections

Of societies crumbling and governments tumbling

But it is hopeless and of no avail

For any attempt at solution will fail

 

That is all I remember of the poem. It was written around the time of desegregation and when the first black child came into my school. The parents were up in arms, I was surprised that people were so cruel. Of course I was an outcast at the time, so was friends with all the other outcasts. I suppose they would be called geeks today. But there was so much hate, and I guess I realized that I too had a lot of hate inside for those who had hurt me so much.

What touched me in remembering this poem is the line: It is hopeless and of no avail for any attempt at solution will fail. I am a bit beyond that now, but not that much beyond. It is better, there are lights at the end of the tunnel and when I sink into depression it is never so deep as before. And I know that it will pass if I just exist day to day.

I also know that I do take tiny steps to help others, perhaps it is a drop in the bucket, but enough drops in a bucket will create a lot good. But I still am a bit hopeless of things improving.

I still feel God as rather distant. But then I want Him distant. Up close and personal would be too frightening. But I wonder how much God wants us close anyway.

Thanks for not laughing at my poem.

Heather

Bible study today was more on Revelation.

My Pastor seems to feel that the 7th seal and revelation 6:12 occur simultaneously. I am not sure of that. I have to think about that because there seems to be an orderly progression of the events.

He also talked about the Glory of God, which shows up in Revelation, and said that some of the precursers were the burning bush of Moses, Moses’ face, Elijah’s chariot, the Mt. Of Transfiguration, Jesus brought up into the clouds. Are precursers.

I am still sorting out the timetable of Revelation.

 

Want to talk about putting God in a box.I think that often I do put God into a box. I know that we do not know the height, depth, breadth, etc. of God’s love. That we are limited in our understanding of God, that we only see things darkly, etc.

I think I put God into more of a box than most because I am afraid to lean on or trust God.

In my private studying I was reading Joshua. One concept that amazed me is that 2 1/2 tribes refused to enter the promised land, they wanted to stay where they were on the opposite bank of the Jordan. These people ultimately ended up not tending sheep and cattle, but farming pigs, and it was where Jesus healed a man possessed of many demons. I think that I sometimes would tend not to want to cross over the Jordan in some areas of my life, the fear of taking that next step terrifies me.

Then Joshua had that wonderful victory in Jerico, where he followed God’s instructions and the walls came tumbling down. This was followed by a severe defeat in Ai. Joshua assumed that it was a small battle, acted on his own without consulting God, and got seriously traunced. He found out that Achan had sinned against God’s instructions, and hoarded some treasure.Had Achan waited, he would have had treasure beyond measure, but instead he got greedy. Following God’s instructions Ai was defeated easily.

This one speaks to me so much. I tend to act on my own a lot, not waiting to ask God. Partly from fear of not receiving an answer, partly because I have been so used to depending on myself and haven’t learned fully to depend on God. I know that a relationship will build with God as I spend more time getting to know Him, but it is so easy to figure that I know what is the best way to act.

Some things I find it hard to let go of, the Promised Land is there waiting for me to reach out and claim it, but sometimes I hold onto things of the past and don’t let go. Tried and true behaviors that work, but maybe they are not God’s best for me.

How easy it is to see this in the abstract, but applying it is much harder.

Still battling depression, and a headache. I want to run and hide, so I know stuff is coming hard when I want to hide so much. I wish God never gave us feelings.

Heather

 

Reading: The Secret Life of Bees (needed a bit of fiction) but still doing the Kay Arthur Revelation Study as well.

 

How does one find out where God was in your past? I search so hard for a hint of God’s presence. Is God in the nots? I did not get pregnant. I did not get killed. I did not get a STD from my father even though he was sleeping around with other women. I did not go insane?

I wanted to have God present. To feel his presence. On one of the Xanga sites I checked out today there was a picture of Jesus with a child on his lap. I almost cried. How I would have loved, as a child, to have been held on his lap.

Sometimes people say that the “footprints” poem is where God was. Perhaps I am an oddity, but that poem is like fingernails on a blackboard to me. I do not find comfort in that.

I am poised for running away right now. I don’t know what is going on, but emotional rollercoaster is a good description of where I am. Just riding it out. But wanting to numb out somehow.

If you had trouble finding God in your past, please share how you found out where He was.

Someone on an Xanga site said that God’s eye view sees all of our lives. We can see the past and the present, but the future is blocked from our eyesight. I don’t clearly see the past either. Kind of feel like a butterfly pinned on a speciman board.

Thanks,

Heather

Bible study tonight was on Revelation. There were some awesome things covered. I will share to the best of my ability some of them. If there are errors, assume it is my error, not my pastor’s.

After a description of the prophesy in Daniel regarding the weeks and the days, our pastor spoke about the various periods of time, the 7 days or 7,000 years.

Day 1 – Adam; Day 2, Abraham, Day 3 Moses and the 10 commandments, Day 4: Jesus, Day 5 and 6 the church age, Day 7 is the days to come including 2nd coming of Christ.

God mentions the days of man in Genesis being 120, and if you take into account the Jubilee, (every 50 years) 120 times 50 equals 6,000.

He covered the prophesies of Matt 24, 1 Thes 5, , Daniel 12, Mark 4:11 and Isaiah 13, Isaiah 41:21-22, Isaiah 46: 9 – 10, 2 peter 2:3,

Etc.

Then he did something extraordinary, he went through the creation in Genesis 1 and showed how it fit into the various days.

Day l, 2, and 3 show Light coming into the world, the firmament and dividing of eveing and morning is the beginning of good and evil, Abraham got his righteousness by faith, 3rd day, he gathered all the waters together in one place and dry land (this could correspond to gathering of saints, and the revelation of the antichrist)

4th day – Jesus  lights, signs and seasons, light of world, sun, moon and stars. the greater light to rule, etc.

Day 5 – water creatures and birds (angels in heaven and the church if you consider the water of the word, the church spreading the word)

Day 6 – men and animals, with men to have dominion – zeal for missionary work.

Because the six days (6000 years) is done in threes – it leads to some interesting analogies.

The church age is two days (2000 years)

Some interesting two’s in the new Testament.

John 11 – Lazarus, when he was told that Lazarus was sick, Jesus waited 2 days before coming to raise Lazarus from the dead (the church is in many ways sick according to the prophesies in Revelation and Jesus waited, and will come back and raise them up).

Luke 2:41 when Jesus was teaching in the temple, his parents went a day’s journey before realizing he was not with them, so then they came back a days journey to find him (2 days), find him on the third day teaching in the temple. Jesus will return in the second cycle of three days. end of day 6 and the church age.

One of the coolest ones was Mark 13:32 which states that no one knows the day or the hour.

In Israel on Rosh Hoshana (sorry about spelling) it occurs during the new moon. The priest goes into a tower and blows the shofar at the time when he figures the new moon begins. To be absolutely certain that he is correct the holiday lasts 2 days because in those days they did not know exactly when the new moon arrived.

Matt. 25 – when Jesus comes for the bride of Christ. The marriage ceremony, the bride does not know when the groom will come. The Father sets the time based upon when the groom provides a place for the bride for the wedding.

I wish I could be more eloquent about this, there was so much and my notes are a bit scribbled, but they were interesting. I hope I expressed it clearly enough with enough references to make clear where it came from.

Heather

Finished Yancey’s book.

Figure that one thing I am very grateful for is my salvation. I was hurt badly as a child, but what I did in retaliation certainly did not merit much praise. In fact I count my blessings that God would even consider forgiving me.

As you know, I spent most of my teenage years trying to kill myself. At 17, still counting the hours, minutes and seconds until my 18th birthday I stumbled upon a group of pagans. These pagans showed me something that no Christian had showed me, love.

I started going to their meetings, lying to my mom that it was national honor society meetings. They, I found out later, took turns sitting by me, just making sure I wasn’t alone. I was really messed up emotionally. I would stand in corners, arms crossed in front of me, not looking at anyone. At one point, I felt apologetic when I decided to live. I was sure they would lambast me for changing my mind, and be disappointed. The reverse was true.

This group held the hippie free love values of the day, and spent much of their meetings in states of undress, free love was rampat, as were drugs and alcohol. I started experimenting with all of these. It was then that I discovered just how far my father went (I had repressed all but the pain). Figuring I wasn’t a virgin, I decided what did it matter. I used to brag that if there was a notch on my bedpost for every person I had sex with, there would be no bedpost left. I just didn’t care. Nor did I care what pills went into my mouth, as long as they altered my mood. Alcohol helped the pills to get stronger. I realize now that I had a death wish, and if you were looking for God’s presence you would find it here. I did not get pregnant, a disease, kill myself with pills or alchohol, and finally decided not to take pills at all.

At 18 I married. My reasons were pretty bad. I did not love the man, but he loved me. I figured no one would ever love me, so I might as well marry. I did grow to love him, but we had an open relationship. And at one point a group marriage. I was finally receiving therapy, and realized that I married a man that was the spitting image of my father in appearance, but not in behavior. I could not deal with sex, as everything was very charged emotionally. The only way I could deal with sex was when it didn’t matter, wasn’t an emotional tie, and was pretty plastered. A look, a cough, a caress, a word or expression would bring back memories with a vengence. I was a walking landmine.

I was taking anti-depressent medicine, and had an allergic reaction. So I stopped taking the pills and squirrelled them away. It was only after I got saved that I was able to throw away my suicide stash. I was so hurting and needy, and immature. None of the behaviors I was doing produced any relief, but I found myself compelled to live the lifestyle. But I was so withdrawn emotionally that my behavior and feelings were very distant. I just did what I thought would get people to like me, and it didn’t matter if it also meant that I was hurting myself. I felt I deserved to be hurt because I was unlovable.

I discovered more facets of the occult and threw myself full tilt into them. In fact I felt I had a natural bent for this, and studied hard. I was at one point priestess of 150 witches in a coven. I studied many forms of the occult. But it left me strangly vacant. It seemed that no where that I searched, father god, mother god, gaia, mother earth, krishna, huna, voodoo, magic,whatever produced what I was longing for. I kept searching and realized that all the religions seemed to have much in common. The gods all addressed various aspects of needs of humans. I thought it did not matter what religion a person accepted, all roads led to the same end, kind of like the rays of the sun. Christianity was just another path to the same source, the light, the sun.

I ended up divorcing my husband after 3 years. We were both pretty messed up. He has since died, and he died before I married my current husband. I kept seeking various spiritual paths looking for something, but not finding anything of value. Oh there are truths in all the religions, there are good deeds and actions. I used to think I did well because I never cursed anyone, only healed and helped. Most religions do have elements of the truth in them because they have to, people are not stupid. If there was no truth, then people would go into other directions. The way it works is that things vary from the truth slightly.

I met and married my husband. We dated and spent time together for 10 years before we finally tied the knot. When my first son was born, my husband decided that we go to the Catholic church because we have to raise our children Catholic. I think pretty much you know the rest from previous posts.

I sure wish I could have altered my rebellion to the past. I wish I had never had the abortion I had before I married my husband because that is one sin that is hard to forgive myself for.

Please know, that given what I have done in the past, it was very difficult to take a moral position that my parents were so horrible and I was so innocent. I was as a child more innocent, but I sure made up for it in my young adult life.

How I wish I had made wiser choies through my hurt. But because of these choices, I know that I am more tolerant of others and their difficulties. Harder to judge others, and I have to give the grace and compassion I was shown to others. So I guess there is a good side to this, but I sure hope others do not do the same kinds of mistakes I did.

More later, my sons have their concert tonight. My daughter on Thursday. I will write later when I get back. I thank you for sharing in this journey of mine. I am hoping that what I have shared does not drive others away or make them hate me, but I really felt it necessary to share the not so nice parts of my personality.

Heather

Note from 7/18/07 God has been answering my points in this letter, one by one .

Finished the Beth Moore Bible study a few weeks ago called Beloved Disciple. In her first video, Beth talked about how Jesus went up to a blind man and asked him “What do you want?” She asked us to write a letter asking Jesus what we wanted. And then to put it in an envelope and open it up at the end of the Bible study. Here is the letter I wrote, dated 9/28/04. It was written late at night after a tough day with teens. Teens and their attitudes, anger and hormones had worn me down. My middle son was caught making prank calls at a neighbors with her son. As it is today, I am not popular – I made my son do his homework, sigh.

This is the letter I wrote, I just recently got the nerve to open it up. There is more peace in our house, the questions are the same, but perhaps one answer is from here at Xanga, the kindness shown to me here is helping me sort out the issues that seem never to go away.

 

Dear Jesus,

What do you want? Beth says to write you a letter detailing what I want to you. I guess the first thing I want to know is if that is the truth, that you desire to give each and everyone our wants. I could see you giving us our needs, but we as humans seem to be insatiable in our wants. Would that not spoil us as children?

I want a loving family. The teenage years are shaking that veneer of love. My two sons are like boxers in a ring, hating each other, trying to provoke the other one in anger. I am constantly trying to sort things out. Every now and then they do something foolish and I have to deal with it with my friends and acquaintances. At times it just isn’t fun to be a mother. And Jim, at times, does not take the role of responsible father, so I am always coming across as the heavy, hated by all for doing what a loving parent has to do. Just once I would like peace to reign in our house for a season. A calm between the storms. I want them to recognize that I act out of love and bend over backwards to give them the loving home I never had.

I want to know the real purpose behind the past that I had. How much did you allow and why? I really resent having so much pain and hurt. Why couldn’t I have been brought up in a loving Godly home? Did you hate me so very much? Why didn’t you answer my first real despairing prayer to you? How could you not stop him from hurting me? It is well and good that this wretched past is put to good use, and I see that people like Beth Moore used their painful pasts to help others but there is a little girl inside of me that wants to ask you, “Don’t you love me?” Because frankly, if you really loved me you would have stopped them from hurting me so badly.

I want to see just where you were in my past. I truthfully cannot find you there. Of course, I shut you out from the age of eight on because you didn’t take care of me. But you are supposedly an all-powerful God. Didn’t you care that the walls were really being built up so high? It would have been easier to tear them down early on. It is hard to see that there seems to be a pattern of abuse and neglect by even one I am supposed to call abba Father. What kind of father abandons a child he loves? Who doesn’t stand up and protect her? What kind of God?

I wish I could get over this anger at you but there is a sense of betrayal. I see so many hurts from the sins I committed that trace their origins to this betrayal. Oh , I can’t excuse my actions and choices by pinning them on my past, but when my innocence was destroyed it made me wonder if there was any good in me at all.

I want to know why my parents did not love me. Was it something in me that is innately unlovable? So if they couldn’t love me, how can I even believe you could love me? Maybe you could muster up some pity and affection for a freak, but do I deserve real love from you or anyone?

God, you have given me life. I exist because of you, but I do not live life to its fullest. Life is something I never embraced. I went through life trying not to be noticed, hiding, and quite frankly a good portion of my life I spent trying not to live, to kill myself. Even to this day I see life as existence, not something to be fully embraced and enjoyed. Is there meant to be joy for me in this life?

I look at so many around me who seem to have genuine relationships with you. Who bask in the glow of your love, claim to freely go to you with problems. See you as so real and vital to their lives. I see myself as spiritually autistic. I do not fully reach out to you. I am afraid of you, yet long for your love. Your abandonment of me as a child (or at least my perception of your abandonment) makes me doubt my relationship with you. I don’t know if you will really be there if I reach out to you. I am afraid to test you to see if you will be there. I am paralyzed with fear.

Inside me is a little child that never had a chance to live. A part of me wants you to come and nurture that child, grow her up, give her security and peace. But frankly, I fight to keep her safe. To reach out to you and have you not answer would kill that child. Would you answer if I reached out? I want to know for sure.

Please know that I am being honest. I mean you no disrespect, but am honestly sharing my fears. A relationship has to be based on honesty. I do respect you and am so thankful that you saved me from my sins. I guess I want more though. Oh how I long to feel the realness of your presence, a sense that you would be there for me, on my side, fighting my battles.

I also want to know what you want me to do with the rest of my life. I feel so much was squandered by my rebellion and the 40 years in the wilderness. Do you hate me for all that rebellion? Can it be put to use?

Dear Jesus, I guess this all could be summed up in the word love. I want to learn to love you, and to feel that you love me. I need to have the damage repaired inside to make this even remotely feasible. And from a childish point of view, I want to know, do you love me? can you love me? I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t see anything worth loving and I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t love me. I sure spent many years hating you. Jesus, please just let me now where I stand with you. If there is any hope or should I cash my chips in now.

I am hurting right now. Maybe this is not the time to write this letter. No matter what, I have grown to learn to love you and I pray that you love me.

Heather

 

Reading onward in Yancey’s Where Is God When It Hurts?

P. 146 “Self-sufficiency, which first reared its head in the Garden of Eden is the most fatal sin because it pulls us as if by a magnet away from God. The suffering and the poor have the advantage that their lack of self-sufficiency is obvious to them every day. They must turn somewhere for strength, and sometimes they turn to God. People who are rich, successfully, and beautiful may go through life relying on their natural gifts. But there’s a chance, just a chance, that people who lack such natural advantages may cry out to God in their time of need.  …unless we learn dependence we will never experience grace.”

 

I keep thinking that this might be part of my problem. As a child the only way I survived was by pure self-sufficiency and control. I had to learn to control everything from facial expressions to reactions. One time my father slammed a plate of spaghetti on the table in front of me so hard that the objects on the table jumped, but I continued eating as if nothing happened. Had I jumped, pulled back I would have been beaten. I had to learn to control the number of tears I cried, too many got a beating for overreacting, too few got a beating for underreacting. If I looked scared, a beating, etc.

In school, due to the bullies, I had to imitate normal, I had to try and blend in all the while knowing I was an outcast. And the kids let me know I was an outcast, but I couldn’t let the teachers know or a letter would go home to my parents and another beating.

There was no safe place but to pull inside, bottle up the emotions, and put up the shields and armor to protect myself. I didn’t even dare cry a tear when I was alone for fear that if I cried then, I may not have the necessary control around them.

All this has led to feeling that it was up to me whether I survived my childhood. My reactions could mean the difference between life and death (and this was very realistic, my father shot a gun at me, the hole was in the wall for years as a reminder, my mom threw a knife and my father choked me until I passed out). I had no illusions that they wouldn’t kill me if I was out of control.

Then I controlled my sanity by death, knowing that I had a way out. And thus lost a fear of death that most people had. Death was my friend, my companion. I still berate myself because I never did myself in back then, then I would have been out of that situation. Perhaps God had a hand in that.

That control is not easy to lose. I don’t think I ever react naturally. Oh, I am better after years and years of therapy, but never once did I fully trust a therapist or any other person or God. I tend to walk through life as though it is tenuous, as if things could be taken away forever, so might as well keep some control.

You know the cartoons with the little angel and devil on a person’s shoulders making conflicting comments. I have a little censor on my shoulder commenting about my actions, telling me if I fit in or not, am I in enough control, not to let go, not to feel safe.

Some say it is a deliberate decision to trust and rely on God, If that were so, I would do it. I pray about it, today I was literally on my face about things with God. I do not like this conflict. Oh for a simple trust, a basic trust, a peace that passes all understanding. As it is we are circling each other. Remember the movie, 2001 A Space Odyssey, with the first scene the monolith, and the creatures reached out and touched it, backed off, etc. I am kind of like that with God, one baby step forward, 100 giant steps back. Afraid to reach out and grasp. Afraid that if I reach out, He won’t be there.

I think Yancey is right that suffering either drives a person away or if the person is luck drives them to God. It drove me away for many years, and only recently have I started trying to deal with God. I guess I am weaker than most mentioned in Yancey’s book.

Heather

 

Reading: Where is God when it Hurts? by Yancey.

Oh, I have finally reached the point where I drop kicked the book across the room the last time I tried to read it. The chapter on Job. Half way through it and I am beginning to see some red.

Previous chapter dealt with Jesus answering the Israelites about the death of those building the temple and who is guilty the blind man or his parents. The conclusion Yancey reaches is that “Suffering offers a general message of warning to all humanity that something is wrong with this planet, and that we need radical intervention (“Unless you repent…”}. But you cannot argue backward and link someone’s specific pain to a direct act of God.” p 84

I have a problem with the book of Job. I can see that God wants our love, and that the love is freely given.

p. 89 “Satan’s accusation that Job loved God only because ‘ you have put a hedge around him,’ stands as an attack on God’s character. It implies that God is not worthy of love in himelf; faithful people like Job follow him only because they are ‘bribed’ to do so. Job’s response when all the props of faith were removed would prove or disprove Satan’s challenge.”

Why must God remove a hedge of protection around Job just to defend his character to the fallen angel satan. And I have no problem with God letting property be destroyed, but the lives, the children. Come on, how much does it matter what satan thinks. Isn’t God big enough to not have to prove something to satan?

I also know that freely given love is important to God. No problem with that. Yacey’s contention is that with a world that is more fair, where people were more directed to interact with each other in a fair and equitable way because of God’s intervention is that, then love would not be freely given. My feeling is that Adam and Eve had a paradise and they chose to disobey God. Seems to me that God could have it both ways if he wanted to.

This is where I am, I am promising myself to read at least to the end of the chapter before drop kicking the book again.

Granted there is the passage in the Bible about the potter and the clay, and how the clay has no right to tell God what to do with the clay. If God wants to make a spitoon or a spiritual vessel, his choice. No problem with that. It is his clay after all.

In that vein, if God wanted to create me and subject me to a crappy life, fine. No problem with that. But then don’t tell me about free will, and how God wants to give me choice. Can’t have it both ways. We are either the clay or the game piece in God’s hands or we have free will to choose to be the clay or game piece. Either way, we are part of a game. I am tired of this game of life. Today I do not value life very highly, too much hurt, too much pain.

But when people tell me of God’s great love for me, when they say that God is in control, when they say that God cares about what happens to me, I wonder.

Yes, we turned the world over to satan. And satan does stuff, but God LETS  him. God, if he is in control does not have to LET satan do anything. God could stop it if he wanted to. Some say that God made the Adamic covenent and after he gave the earth to Adam, then God could not take back control from satan when Adam gave it over to him. God is in control, God could have taken it back from satan, slapped satan’s hand and given it back to Adam for another try. A loving parent would have protected his children. Sometimes I think there are mixed messages about God, and maybe I am not getting it.

I am going to resolve this somehow, not sure how, but I keep searching. Some things just do not make logical sense. Please do not be irate, I mean God no disrespect, but in order to have a relationship with God I really need to understand exactly where things stand.

Heather