December 30, 2004
-
Have you ever wondered where you would be if you were alive at the time of Jesus? Would you be a scribe, a Pharisee, would you be one of His sheep, would you be one of the sinner’s he hung out with, would you approach Him at all?
I have often thought about Jesus and how I would relate to Him. Back then I think I would have hung on the outer fringes of the crowd. My sins would have kept me from approaching Him. I would not want to draw attention to myself. I would probably be wondering if what He was doing was for show like the scribes and Pharisees. I would wonder if He would turn me away if I approached Him. Since Jesus seemed to hold stock with people having to believe to receive the healing, to reach out and touch, to ask, I would probably not have received the healing.
Only one got healed at the pools of Siloam – what happened to the other hopefuls. I would have been a left behind one there. Perhaps the one I would long to have been was the Woman at the Well. I could see doing something for Jesus, you know giving water or something, but probably I would have come at the wrong time.
His teachings would have intrigued me, and I think I would have wanted to hang around to learn, but my fear and hurt and anger at God would have put a great divide between Him and me.
Anger at God is probably one of the biggest stumbling blocks in my walk. Oh it is not as bad as it used to be. I remember sitting in the back of churches, arms crossed and a simple, (what others would hear as loving and encouraging) statement would raise my ire incredibly. I remember once hearing a sermon about “God is love.” And I remember fuming, ranting and raving, “Yeah sure, what kind of love? He abandoned me. He never helped me, His love is not for me. If the abuse I received is an example of His love, who needs Him,….” etc. etc. etc.
Once I went to see Steve Solomon (Praise in the Night) at a local church during the day. If you are angry at God, never go to a prophesy service on a work day as there are fewer people attending and you cannot hide in the fringe of the crowd. At the end of the service he called for anyone to come forward to the altar. Everyone came forward but one other person and me. Steve went to pray over the other person, and I thought Oh, sh.., and sure enough he came to me and prayed. He told me that God told him he was going to remove the tares from my mind.
Talk about fuming, I thought what an insipid prophesy, God put the tares there Himself, now he is going to tear them out… Truth be told, this is happening, the tares being removed, and sometimes it is painful, sometimes not – it is a slow process though.
Then in my Bible reading (and I have read through the Bible several times) the book of Job raises my hackles. How could a loving God point out Job to satan just to win a bet, prove a point. And God took away the hedge of protection, Job’s children were killed and many others. For what. God could have told satan to take a hike, He did not have to prove anything to satan. Job held his faith. I would have failed. I am afraid I would have cursed God and died.
My anger has abated somewhat since I got saved, and I remember apologizing to God. I did get a distinct impression that God was glad I was fuming at Him during the time I was, because at least I was talking with Him, something I hadn’t done for many years.
I still have anger arise at times. Often I apologize about it later, but the anger is still there.
Today, I am not sure I would approach God any closer than I would have back when He was on earth. As a child survival meant not being noticed. I think I still carry the need for survival into God’s kingdom.
People have told me to crawl into Jesus’ lap. I cry when I see the drawing of the woman sobbing into Christ’s lap, and any song that talks about closeness with God is listened to by me with whistfulness. It is something I don’t think I will ever attain. Something so distant and removed from any aspect of me.
When it comes to God’s kingdom, I feel like a starving child with her nose pressed up against the bakery shop window, looking at the goodies but knowing I have no way to get them, and I should just go away and starve.
Does relationship with God ever get any easier?
Heather
Comments (6)
Thank you. Indeed, they do. “Survival is the best revenge” heh.
) Thanks. ::hugs;:
<3
Yes… I should write about that. Thank you.
) My friends don’t really know much about any of my SD tendencies, so they should probably learn a little more about them first. Remember not to generalize and ask me how I feel or why I do it. That sort of a thing.
I agree… those are quite awful statements! Good grief. They want to say comforting thing but they never stop and think about just what they’re saying.
“I think a great series of books to be written would be things NOT to say to people in crisis or hurting. Our what is proper to say.”
I agree. And yes, it makes a lot of sense.
Hehe, Jewish mom type.
)
<3
It’s okay. It’s a good point you brought up and I’d like to address it. I’m just tired right now.
Thank you. It’s nice to know there are others who have been through and survived it. Though I wish there weren’t millions like that. Yeah, writing is a great way of expressing. Especially for me. I write easier about these things than I talk.
I’m glad to hear you know how to deal with it. ::hugs::
<3
Heather,
Because I know God and His love, for me and for you, and because I care and am constrained by His love – I am going to take one more shot at this, then shut up and go away. Either I am being ineffective or you are not interested in hearing the truth – only in getting the answers you want to hear, because you will only be satisfied by them. I am sorry as this will likely be painful, as it is brief and to the point as I can make it, not “couched” to soften or coddle. I do not mean to aggravate your pain or struggle, only to communicate the truth as effectively and accurately as possible because that is the most loving thing I can do. (Please be sure to a least read number 13 before quitting, if you are termpted to do so. Thank you.):
1. God isn’t about “satisfying your desires.” (Though He can and will meet the needs He knows you have, in His time and way.) He is about demonstrating His power through us by doing what is right and best for all of creation, on His terms, not ours. Just because we percieve it as unloving does not mean it is.
2. God does not create, generate, author nor “allow” evil. It comes of its own accord from its original source – Satan. You need to separate the evil as you perceive it from God as a father figure and source. He has and is protecting you from the worst of it, even as bad as it seems to you. You have, can and will continue to survive in spite of it. And - as you rely upon His strength, are sanctified, and once in heaven – you will flourish in spite of it.
3. “I would probably not have received the healing” – No one comes to God except God draws them. Be thankful you were drawn at all. Your life would be a lot worse if you hadn’t been. (I think you know/have already expressed this truth, but it bears repeating.)
4. God choices and timing are perfect, regardless of how we feel about it. Our feelings do not alter the truth. Only our perception of it.
5. The divide is of your own making not God’s, as you allow your emotions to control you and not the truth you know in your head. You are, thereby, rejecting His efforts to minister to and heal your pain. You fail to take hold of the power to overcome. He does not withhold it from you.
6. God’s love, and ours for Him, is defined in 2 John 6: “And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love.” Anyone who is not in obedience to God’s word is not loving others as God directs. Their choice, not His.
7. Prophesying in today’s world is an abuse of the bible. A sham. It is unbiblical and therefore, fallible. Do not buy it just because it sounds true. Either it comes from the bible and is God’s word or it is man’s attempt to usurp God’s authority. Read His word, it is the only source of infallible truth.
8. I had said once already – the abuse is not an example of His love. It is an example of Satan twisting people’s minds and lives. You apparently have no concept of the pain and tears God shed over it, over you - nor of the full significance of the price paid on the cross because of it. Christ died for all sinners - you and your abuser included! You need to take hold of enough of God’s love to enable you to forgive yourself, God and your abuser so you can put it behind you. God has much more worthwhile and important purpose, issues and goals for your life than to continue to spend it on this.
9. If Hitler received salvation just before dying, would God have forgiven him and received him into heaven? What makes you believe you deserve heaven any more than any other repentent sinner? Isn’t hell sufficient penalty for those who are not repentent – including Hitler and your abuser – and you if you hadn’t already repented?
10. God did not put the tares there – Satan did. You really need to get to the point where you accept that.
11. God had/has something to prove to Satan and all mankind. That if Job could endure what he did, any of us can endure what we have to and continue to trust, worship and praise Him just as Job did. That our faith is that valuable and effective. That God’s power is that great. That we can’t go it alone, get it done by ourselves. Etc.
12. You would only have cursed God and died if you made that choice. He offers you the same ability to endure that Job had.
13. You need to realize, grasp hold of and live the fact that your survival as a member of God’s family is not dependent upon not being noticed – it is completely dependent upon your closeness to God. As long as you allow your hurt, your wrong negative feelings and ideas about God, to keep you at a distance, you are at risk of more and worse than you would be by drawing as close as possible to Him!
14. Only you and God can know for sure, 1 John 5:11-13, but if you can’t get the goodies, you may not really be saved yet. Evidenced by “is listened to by me with whistfulness. It is something I don’t think I will ever attain. Something so distant and removed from any aspect of me” You may need to admit to yourself that you do not yet have the real thing? Also will be evidenced by the way you choose to response to the truths I have shared in this post . . .
15. Finally, “Yes! Absolutely!” The closer one draws to God, the better one gets to know Him, the more fully one obeys His word . . . the easier it gets! The easier to endure with an unshakeable joy in the heart even when there are tears streaming from the eyes, from our pain or the pain of others.
That’s it. The best I have to offer. Sorry it is so long, but felt the need to cover the bases thoroughly.
Happy to deal with additional issues and questions if they are designed to help you make progress towards Godliness. But not if they tend to reinforce the continuing struggle. Hope you appreciate the time and effort I put into this even if you do not like what I am sharing. Believe it is purely motivated out of a godly love for Him, and and therefore for you. And only because of the greatness of His love for me. Otherwise, I would not have bothered.
Lots of good books out there (and bad ones) to help you as well.
May God’s riches blessings and all His comfort be yours in the years ahead.
Heather…first of all, I would probably be like Nicodemus. I would begin to question what I had been taught and what I believed, but I wouldn’t do it so that anyone noticed or saw. I would question what Jesus taught and the love He talked of, but I would be curious enough to want to know more.
Next, anger at God can be something very difficult to get past. As humans, it is difficult for us because God doesn’t always give us answers or explanations for what He allows to occur in this world. And that is what makes faith hard, to be honest. That is where, once again, we have to pray like the father in Mark 9:24 “Lord, I believe, help my unbelief.”
You mentioned Job. I’m going to give you my opinion of the book of Job. Many people diagree with me. I believe that God pointed out Job to Satan for 2 main reasons: 1) God knew Job could handle it. God knew how strong Job and his faith were and what Job could handle. Othewise, He never would have done it. 2) I think God wanted Job to realize how strong his own faith was. Satan asked the question: Does Job fear God for nothing? Job had been prosperous his entire life. He had no reason to ever question God, had never been through a difficult time to test his faith.
Something else to note about the story of Job: at the end of the story God revealed himself to Job. He responded to Job’s questions, but then He showed Himself to Job. One of Job’s final statements was “I have heard you with my ears, now I have seen you with my eyes.” Job saw God and learned more of who He was because of the trial he faced. I know this doesn’t help when you are going through tough times, but I hope it encourages you.
I won’t lie to you; for some people a relationship with God is difficult. One thing to remember is that you can pray that God helps you trust Him, that He helps you develop this relationship. You are not in it alone. You don’t have to do everything on your own. God understands your questions, your anger, everything. He knows your heart, Heather. HE LOVES YOU!! I know that can be hard to accept given what you have been through. But it is the truth.
You will constantly be in my thoughts and prayers. Call if you need me, please.
Allie
Dear Allie, thanks. You are right, I keep searching because I want to know more.
What you said brought something to mind that my pastor once told me. At times he has wanted to have a more tangible sense of God, but then he realizes that if he did, then it would not be as much by faith. That God wants faith.
Faith is hard. Perhaps it is because I am still rather new to this, and maybe relationship takes time. I haven’t given up, but am not holding my breath either.
I have liked Nicodemus, and he did do a daring thing at the end by helping to bury Jesus’ body.
Take care of yourself and have a happy new year.
Heather