December 29, 2004
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I am looking at the incredible horror of what has been going on because of the tsunami. I have been reading posts of others who have been hurt so badly by others, by ones that they should be able to trust. Oh where is the love that we are supposed to show to each other? Why is there so much hurt?
It is easy to say that this is the province of satan. That he is the author of all this evil. God, according to the Bible, will come and rectify things in the end. But why is he waiting so long? I couldn’t sit back and watch so many people hurting and do nothing? I would have to intervene.
Someone mentioned that when they are hurting, they tend to withdraw from others, and even from God. Lately I have been running from God. Running scared.
Spiritual autism is sort of what I feel when it comes to God. Perhaps I am so far gone that God can not reach me. The yearning is there, but fear is much greater.
I can’t wait until I can push the memories down deep again. Then maybe the depression and hurt will ease. Right now a look, an expression, the brush of a hand, or a word can bring back a visceral memory.
I walk around feeling dirty, and unable to get clean. People talk about feeling washed from their sins, I feel like I end up falling back into the muck. Is what people do, forcibly putting things aside and pretending that they are not there? Are they really healed from the hurt? Sometimes I feel so condemned that unbidden the memories return over and over to haunt. I don’t seek them out.
Heather
Comments (6)
Hi Heather, thank’s for your comment and stopping by. I am not feeling much better, but I know I will soon. The bible verses you used on linda’s site were very good. I am a firm believer in our God and have read the bible a few times, but as far as remembering where I read a verse, I am no good. I am so very sorry your childhood was taken away from you. It was taken and you had nothing to do with it. The beatings and rape by your biological father was because he was a very sick man. Not because you were bad. God does Love each of us and sometimes it is so very unimaginable to us. Why would He love Us? I have thought that too. He created Us,, so we would CHOOSE to have a relationship with Him. We can have a good one or a bad one. It is our choose. I used to tell my children, when they HAD to have my attention at an inopertune time, “O’kay, I know you want attention, but, you can have good attention or bad attention. You choose which one you want.” They then, always chose the good attention. We get to do that with God. He is a far better Father, than any of us can ever imagine. Go to Him and He will give you comfort. I get sad sometimes, because I don’t have any close friends to talk to, but God is using that, because I go to Him. He does know what is best for us. I cry out to Him when I am happy, sad and even when I am angry. I will pray that you will soon find the closeness you need with Him. As to why He lets bad things happen? I think He uses those bad things to help us become closer to Him and to help others. How else would any of us ever be able to relate to others? God will find you and bring you back to Him. Please never lose hope. Well, I wrote another book, Sorry. come by again sometime. I would really like to continue to talk. Sandy
I’ve enjoyed your posts to my site. I was raised a preacher’s kid by loving parents, and I’ve known the Bible since I was a small child. My closest friend in CA has been raped and was systematically, cruelly beaten her entire life. She is also a Christian and like yourself, came to it late in life. Knowing her makes it easier for me to try to relate to people whose lives have been so devastatingly different from mine. I’ve had my share of pain and tragedy, yes, but I think the thing I identify with you about is the struggle.
No, lives don’t heal all at once. That would be too traumatic for many of us. Relationships don’t come easy to those of us who were never properly kids, a problem I share with you for very different reasons. Intimacy is threatening, and the longer I live around those who don’t sweat out the troubles, the more I’m tempted toward bitterness. I exhort your earnestness and your honesty, and encourage you to hang on tightly to those as you journey on faith’s road.
it can be extremely difficult to trust anyone when trust has been broken. God is not like your earthly father – though our earthly father often fashions what we think God is like. there are no easy answers as to why some things happen, that is something i’ve wrestled with as well. we’re not alone with those questions, just look in a bookstore sometime to see how many books have been written trying to answer the questions of why there is pain, if God is a loving God why do good people suffer, etc.
thank you for the encouraging comment on my site. perhaps now it is i who can encourage you. from personal experience, though my story is not anywhere near as severe as what you’ve experienced, don’t try to shove the memories aside or bury them again. the hurt needs to heal from the inside out – like a deep wound . do you have someone to talk to about what’s happened and what’s going on now? i’ve found that a personal journal is a good place to talk to God, to write out prayers, to express the variety of emotions/thoughts/feelings that i need an outlet for. the handwritten journal i have is just a simple notebook where i write, sometimes cry while i write, but it gives a safe place to talk about those things and allow God to begin the healing process. God loves you so much, He longs for a intimate relationship with you. you’ve begun the process - easy to say, but hard to do- give the relationship time to develop and grow, it will. He is faithful….
((((Hug))))) I have no words to ease your pain, my heart goes out to you.
Hey Heather…wow you seem to really have been through some tough and painful times. I have not had a chance yet to read back through your posts, but that is on my agenda to do now.
I will be back…:)
Marlene
Sandy, thanks for writing. I think you are right about the choice. I did choose to try and find God, even though he is elusive. I do talk with Him, but in all honesty, lately I have been running away, backing up, going more inward. I am not sure I can yet deal with a Father God, that would be way too scary, and how would one deal with a father anyway? I wouldn’t know where to begin. Perhaps this is wrong, but even the love of Jesus scares me. One day I was thinking about where would I have been if I were on the earth at the time of Jesus. I suspect I would be hiding in the outskirts of the crowd. I don’t know if I would dare approach Jesus for a healing or even to touch the hem of his garment.
It is probably because of what the Bible says about God seeking us, not we seeking Him that I am saved, because I think I would have kept running if it wouldn’t have been for a pastor who spent two years talking with me until I was able to dare to say the sinner’s prayer. I was even afraid to approach the altar, you know the lightning bolt striking one dead, or being told to back off and go away.
I tiptoe into the kingdom, on the fringes. If God noticed me, I don’t know what He would do or if I would just run away in fear.
I guess some would say my salvation is in question because of those fears. I do not have that perfect salvation experience where everything is wonderful afterwards, and it is really grain of sand by grain of sand how my faith grows. I guess if you were to give an award it would be perservence in the face of little progress award. There are so many obstacles that need overcoming. Sometimes I wonder if this was not really a mistake.
That is a good point, Zebbie, that maybe a quick healing might be too traumatic. I once asked my pastor about why things were so tough for me, and so slow was my growth. He told me that the Holy Spirit would work in me in the best way. I expressed fear about the changes and how He would deal with me. My pastor pointed out that much had already been changed and I was not hurting, maybe the other changes would also be at a pace that was not so scary for me.
Bek, thanks for the idea. I hadn’t thought about a journal to pray to God. To sort out issues. I guess you are right, the wounds are deep and the healing is happening underneath. I know that I am a different person from whom I was then. There are things I wouldn’t dream of doing now that before I thought nothing about. As far as pain and hurt, I think that when a person experiences hurt it is hurt, just plain hurt. You cannot say that one person’s hurt is any more or less intense than another. We all handle hurt differently and what might seem like a slight hurt to one might be very major to another. Pain is pain.
Thanks to all for your kindness. It has taken a lot of couage to write some of the things I have written here, and I am grateful for the support that I have received.
Heather