December 22, 2004
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Just finished the Beth Moore Bible Study THE BELOVED DISCIPLE, about John. It was an intense study from a perspective I had not studied before.I hadn’t thought about switching the focus of how you look at the Gospels through the various disciple’s perspectives before. And it was interesting to see John grow up from a teen to become a mature believer. The study of Revelation was thought provoking. Looking at the seven churches and how all but a few of them got both commendations and then critiques. I often wonder where I stand in the churches, would I be lukewarm? Have I purged out much of the false teachings I used to subscribe to (Jezebel)? At times I am more passionate about God, at other times very distant, so have I forgotten my first love?
At the start of the 10 weeks of study, Beth Moore suggested writing a letter to Jesus answering His question, “What do you want?” and then see how he answers it over the 10 weeks.
Sorry to say, that my main questions remain unanswered, which can be summed up in where was God when I was a kid.What was the real purpose behind what went on? (some recruiting system, many say that the past is God’s way of preparing us for our ministry) Do not mean to be disrespectful, but sometimes I wish my ministry was a simpler one. I wanted to know how much God allowed, how much was my father’s going beyond God’s wishes? I want to know why God hated me so.
Well, God has not deigned to answer these questions. And I know some would say that I am overstepping my boundaries in wanting answers from God. That I should just blindly trust, not question but believe that God would work everything out for my own good. I almost feel like an experiment – how much can be put on a person and them not crack.
There are times like today when I see that my past does have some good. I was in the middle school working with kids as a volunteer, and some of them are hurting so much. To be able to recognize their actions for the hurt that it is and speak a good word is a good thing. But at what price.
People also point out that Jesus suffered for me, for us, and that he suffered more than what we suffer on earth. I will give them that, but Jesus did volunteer for the job, he could have chosen at any point to not go through what he did. Not everyone is given a choice.
Then I asked if there was something inately wrong with me that caused my parents to do what they did, and not love me. So why should I expect love from God? Perhaps the crumbs of the table, but not direct love.
Perhaps God just wants us to work through this stuff on our own, and that is why His silence. Who knows. So many questions, so few answers.
Heather
Comments (2)
Many years ago, I was speaking with my mission pastor who was severely abused as a kid. He said he spent many years processing the pain and abuse, probably asking many of your same questions. He said he found great comfort in knowing God was there during all the times of pain and hurt. He would purposely look back to those memories and look for Jesus in those memories. Where was He in those moments because He was there. Was he holding your hand? Was He crying for you? It may be true that these moments make you who you are but it doesn’t mean you were alone. I saw that this post was many years ago and I don’t know where you are now. I am not sure what I wrote fully portrays what I am trying to say either. I just pray that God is your comfort and strength. He can handle our questions and pain.
Many years ago, I was speaking with my mission pastor who was severely abused as a kid. He said he spent many years processing the pain and abuse, probably asking many of your same questions. He said he found great comfort in knowing God was there during all the times of pain and hurt. He would purposely look back to those memories and look for Jesus in those memories. Where was He in those moments because He was there. Was he holding your hand? Was He crying for you? It may be true that these moments make you who you are but it doesn’t mean you were alone. I saw that this post was many years ago and I don’t know where you are now. I am not sure what I wrote fully portrays what I am trying to say either. I just pray that God is your comfort and strength. He can handle our questions and pain.